Rainy Days

by Victoria Zagar

  The elevator door opened and he ran down the hallway, past doctors and nurses. The heat was oppressive and the rain beat down on the roof, an audible white noise above the sound of monitors and voices.

  Two doctors stood outside Michelle’s room. They turned to Michael with grim expressions and Michael felt like someone had thrust a dagger into his windpipe.

  “Are you Mr. Williams?” One of the doctors approached Michael.

  “Yes... Michael. The baby... what about the baby...?”

  “Your wife lost the baby. I’m sorry. She will be fine, but we recommend against having any more children. She lost a lot of blood, but you can see her now if you want.”

  Your wife lost the baby. The emotions seemed too much to bear and a numbness settled over him. He felt like a zombie as he wandered into the hospital room.

  “You got what you wanted.” A bitter voice attacked him as he walked in, and Michelle looked up at him from the bed. “I know it was a huge burden on you. Well, be happy. You got what you wished for.”

  “That’s not...” Michael slumped down in the chair. “Michelle, that was our child!”

  “A child you never wanted. All you did was complain ever since I told you I was pregnant. Well, we’re done having children, did they tell you that? Are you happy now, you asshole?” She grabbed a glass from the side of the bed and threw it at him. Michael dodged and it hit the wall.

  I get what I deserve. The taste of Ash was bitter on his tongue as the glass shattered into a million pieces. The doctors raced in and surrounded the bed as Michelle screamed at Michael.

  “It’s all your fault!” Michelle cried. “It’s all your fucking fault...” She started to cry and the doctors sedated her. An orderly came in to clean up the glass and Michael was surrounded by a million bodies. His heart beat up in his throat, hammering like it might choke him and the world started to spin. He gasped for breath and fled the hospital room, running as fast as he could, needing to get away from everything. He sat in his car, the rain beating down on the windshield and his head hit the steering wheel. It is all my fault. I didn’t want this baby. I did this. All I can feel is relief. Who the hell feels relieved at a time like this? There’s something wrong with me.

  The phone rang and he picked it up. “Yeah.”

  “It’s Ash. Is everything okay?”

  “I... I can’t...” Michael’s throat tightened further like he was going to suffocate.

  “Michael. Calm down and drive over here. I’m here for you, okay?”

  Michael hung up, tossing the phone into the passenger seat. He felt like he was going to burst, a mixture of vomit and tears and shit all at once. He hit the steering wheel, the stinging pain in his palms a welcome relief. I have nowhere else to go. I have to talk to Ash. He’s all I have. He’s the only one who can understand.

  He raced to Ash’s apartment, racing down the highway as though he might explode if he didn’t reach Ash in time. He pulled into a parking space badly and paced as he waited for the elevator to reach Ash’s floor. He ran down the hallway and knocked on Ash’s door. Ash opened it, drawing him inside.

  “Tell me what happened,” Ash said. “Slowly and calmly.”

  Michael nodded and slumped down on the sofa, his head in his hands. “She lost the baby,” he whispered. He stood up suddenly and rushed to the bathroom. He vomited in the sink until his stomach was empty. Ash stood behind him, putting his hand on Michael’s back.

  “I’m sorry.”

  Michael looked at himself in the mirror. “I’m a sick man. I felt relief when they told me. Relief. What kind of a man feels relief at losing his child? Michelle shouted at me. She told me it was all my fault. It is all my fault. I did this. I never wanted this baby and now it’s gone.”

  Ash put a hand on Michael’s shoulder. “It’s not your fault,” he said firmly. “She can say what she wants in her grief, but it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask for this to happen.”

  “I called fatherhood a prison sentence. I deserve what I get.”

  “That’s not true. You can still be chained to someone you love. You think no other parents out there despise the time, energy and money their children take from them? It doesn’t mean they don’t love them. It’s just the way it is. The same way you can be relieved and grieve as well. It’s not so great a conflict as you think.”

  “I don’t feel grief. I don’t feel anything. I feel relieved, and the rest is just numb.”

  “For now. It hasn’t sunk in yet.” Ash turned on the faucet and washed the sink. Michael washed his mouth and gargled mouthwash from the cabinet.

  “Come on. Come and sit down.” He led Michael to the living room and sat him down, slipping an arm around him and drawing him close. He stroked Michael’s hair with his free hand. “It’s not your fault,” Ash whispered. “I won’t let you believe that.”

  Ash’s touch and tender words made Michael come undone and he started to sob uncontrollably, giant ugly sobs that racked his whole body. Ash held him close, stroking his back as he cried. “It’s all right, Michael. Let it out.”

  They held on for a long while like that, Ash comforting Michael with infinite patience and Michael letting loose emotions he hadn’t felt in years, trusting all his feelings to Ash, who in return offered no judgement, only comfort. He eventually stopped crying and let go. Ash picked up a box of tissues from the coffee table and offered them to Michael.

  “I’m sorry,” Michael said. “This is so embarrassing. I don’t normally cry about anything.” He wiped his eyes and blew his nose.

  “Don’t worry about it. I think you’re allowed a few tears at times like these.”

  “I guess I was looking forward to having another child, in a way. Once I got used to the idea, it wasn’t so bad. It was the circumstances surrounding it, the fact that I was manipulated that annoyed me.”

  “Do you think she’ll want to have another?”

  “The doctors said she can’t. She’s got some illness that makes it likely she’ll miscarry or something. I won’t let her try. I’m not going through this again.” Michael shook his head. “She threw a glass at me. She hates me. That I deserve, at least. A piece of me hates her too.” He picked up his phone. “I should call my mom and get her to pick up Taryn at the bus stop.”

  Ash sat silently as Michael conducted the call. “Yeah, Mom. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Michael said, hanging up. “I’m going to have to explain this to Taryn, somehow.”

  “Just worry about yourself right now. You can’t help Taryn if you can’t keep your head straight.”

  “That’s true. Ash, I’m so sorry. Bringing all my family problems to you.”

  “Your problems are my problems now. I want to be a part of your life.” Ash kissed Michael’s face, down to his lips which he kissed tenderly. “Someone has to be there for you. Michelle certainly isn’t.”

  “Thanks. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  Ash stroked Michael’s puffy, tear-stained face. “Well, the day didn’t go exactly as I imagined,” he sighed. “Here was me thinking we’d watch movies and fuck like rabbits.” He smiled playfully.

  “I’ll make it up to you.”

  “I’m only kidding. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” He pulled Michael into another kiss.

  Michael woke to find his head on Ash’s lap. Ash was stroking his hair while watching a movie.

  “What time is it?”

  “It’s only four in the afternoon. Relax.”

  “I should go to my mom’s,” Michael said, sitting up. “I have to pick Taryn up, and then I guess I’ll go and try to see Michelle again. She won’t throw things at me if Taryn’s in the room.”

  “Text me if you need anything. Any time of the day or night.”

  “Thanks. You’ve been so good to me.”

  Ash smiled. “I’m selfish too. I like to see you smile.”

  Michael smiled. “There. Well, I should be on my way.” He reluctantly made his way to the door.
>
  Ash watched him go with a heavy heart. I’ll comfort you and shield you from all the pains your married life brings you. The life you choose to continue living every day. It makes no sense, but I’ll do it anyway. I’ll do it because I’ve fallen in love with you.

  Michael made his way out into the rainy day, driving to his parents’ house. Ash is so good to me. I don’t know what I would have done today without him. My lover comforts me over my wife’s miscarriage. We’ve entered a fucked up world that I couldn’t have even imagined when this thing began. Maybe Ash is right. Maybe we’ll both get hurt, but I can’t imagine my life without him now.

  He pulled into his parents’ driveway and got out of the car. Taryn rushed out into the yard as his mom opened the front door. Michael scooped her up and held her tightly. You don’t know the sacrifices I make for you, honey. He set her down and held her hand as they walked into the house.

  “How’s Michelle doing?” Michael’s mom asked.

  “She threw a glass at me,” Michael said. “She told me it was all my fault.”

  “Well, it is an emotional time for her,” Michael’s mom said. “You’ll have to forgive her.”

  “It’s an emotional time for me as well.”

  “Well, yes, but it’s not the same for you,” Michael’s mom said. “Your job is to stay strong and keep the family together.”

  Stay strong. It’s like Ash is the only one who understands that I have feelings. I’m tired of staying strong. Today was the first time I was able to let the facade go and be weak. In Ash’s arms there’s no judgement or expectations.

  Taryn ran to her grandmother’s arms and they sat at the table to eat dinner. Michael looked at them as he walked over to join them at the table. They would never understand. They would rain so much scorn upon me if they found out about Ash. They don’t know that I need him, that I love him. He’s my escape from this mess I’ve made, from the part I’m playing on a permanent basis. I’m trapped on the stage in this play that never ends, and the worst part is, I’m the one who put myself in this spotlight.

  Chapter Six

  Doubts and Fears

  Michael unlocked the door and entered his empty house. His parents had offered to take Taryn for the night and he hadn’t argued. He sat down on the sofa and turned on the TV. The news talked about the rain flooding some low-lying areas but he was unable to concentrate and turned it off.

  He sat in the silence. Taryn’s toys were strewn across the floor and he picked them up, looking at them as he packed them away. Family. The thing I was told was the answer, the whole reason we exist. Looking at Taryn, I can almost believe it. It’s when I look at Michelle that I feel my doubts rising. Do I love her? Did I ever love her?

  Michelle had been kinder when he had dropped by with Taryn and his parents. They had sat at her bedside while she cried and Michael’s mom shot him a look as if he’d been lying when he’d told her about the glass.

  Michael held his phone in his hand, turning it over. I don’t want to be alone tonight, but I can’t leave. The phone could ring at any time, and I’m all out of excuses. His cellphone buzzed to inform him of an incoming text message/

  “How are you doing?” It was Ash’s number, and Michael couldn’t help but smile at his concern.

  “I’m OK. Lonely here. Taryn’s with my parents.”

  “Want 2 come over?” Ash texted back.

  “Can’t. Phone could ring.” Michael texted back, then furiously typed out another. “U could come over. 21 Broad St.”

  “U OK with that?” Ash typed back.

  “Sure.”

  “I’ll walk. B there soon.” Ash typed, and the stream of messages stopped.

  Michael sighed and lit a cigarette. Shouldn’t be smoking in the house. I’ll catch hell if Michelle smells it. He stood up and opened the door, walking out onto the front porch. The rain had subsided and Michael smoked his cigarette as the smell of drying rain met his nose. I can’t believe I invited him here. Panic rose inside him as he realized what he had done. This is Michelle’s home. Taryn’s home. I can’t bring him here. He reached for his phone to cancel but hesitated. I don’t want to be alone tonight. He let his phone slip back into his pocket and smoked another cigarette as he waited for Ash to arrive.

  Ash walked down the street, looking for the house number. Michael waved to him and he crossed the street, smiling. “Thanks,” he said, as he climbed the steps and took off his jacket. Michael held the door open for him and they went inside.

  “Nice place,” Ash said. “Um, where should I put this?”

  “Just leave it where you like,” Michael said. Ash tossed it on the back of the sofa.

  “It feels weird being here. I feel like I’m intruding.”

  “You’re not. “I invited you.”

  Ash relaxed then, slipping his arms around Michael and drawing him into a deep kiss. Michael’s hands roamed up his shirt and he eased it off, kissing down the toned chest as Ash sighed contentedly.

  “I need you tonight.” Michael said, suddenly feeling vulnerable. Ash pulled him into another kiss, slow and loving.

  “I’m all yours.”

  “Come on,” Michael took Ash’s hand and led him upstairs. They entered the master bedroom, where Michael stripped off his shirt and threw it in the hamper.

  “Here?” Ash said, his eyes wide. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. This is Michelle’s--” Michael cut him off with a kiss and eased him back onto the bed, unfastening his belt buckle.

  “You said you were mine,” Michael said. “So do it for me. I want to think of us when I sleep in this bed. I want to remember how you cried out my name and came right here.” He pulled Ash’s jeans off and tossed them onto the floor, then pulled his own off and started to kiss up Ash’s lean body. Ash moaned as Michael gave his cock a teasing lick.

  “I hope you brought lube.”

  “I’m not an idiot,” Ash grinned. “It’s in the pocket of my jeans. I didn’t have time to get it before you stripped me.”

  Michael reached down and grabbed Ash’s jeans, feeling inside the pocket. Sure enough, lube and condoms were there and Michael pulled them out, setting them on the bed. He started to kiss up Ash’s body again, slowly working his way up the legs, tenderly working up his chest to his mouth, which he claimed in a mixture of tenderness and need.

  Ash looked into Michael’s eyes and saw his vulnerability. He needs to be loved tonight. He needs me. I won’t let him down. He ground his hips up into Michael’s and they gasped as their cocks ground together.

  “Ash...” Michael started, but stopped.

  “What is it?” Ash asked, touching Michael’s face and moving the hair from his eyes. “What do you need from me?”

  “I want... I want you on top.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah,”

  “Okay,” Ash smiled. “No problem.” He rolled on top of Michael, taking control. He kissed down Michael’s chest, through the soft sandy fur and down his stomach to his cock, teasing it with kisses. Michael gasped, his head sinking back into the pillows as Ash savored his reaction. Sending he was ready, Ash reached for the lube and a condom, preparing himself and Michael.

  We’re really going to fuck here. On his marriage bed. Ash tried to push his fears away, but they lingered at the corner of his desire soaked mind. I shouldn’t be here. This is wrong in so many ways, but I can’t help it. I want to be with him, and if that means fucking on Michelle’s bed, so be it.

  Focusing back to the task at hand, he positioned himself and gently pushed into Michael’s ass. “Shit,” he whispered at the sensation. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. That’s good.”

  Ash smiled, leaning down to kiss his lover before pulling himself almost all the way out and slowly moving back in. They built a rhythm that grew faster and more needy as they built towards orgasm. Ash came first, trying to stifle his cry so the neighbors wouldn’t hear. Michael came soon after, his seed spilling onto his chest a
s he bit his lip, Ash’s name escaping his lips despite his efforts.

  They curled up together on the bed, Ash’s arm wrapped around Michael, holding him close as their racing heartbeats leveled out. Ash kissed his back as they lay there together.

  “I love you.” The words slipped from Ash’s mouth in a barely audible whisper. Damn it, Ash. Bad idea.

  “I love you too.” Michael rolled over and looked up into Ash’s eyes, his conviction showing.

  “What do we do now?” Ash said. “Assuming we both mean what we just said, and I know I did - where do we go from here?”

  “I don’t know,” Michael suddenly looked tired beyond his years, the long day setting into his features. “I honestly don’t know.”

  “Me neither. I guess we just wait and see.” He leaned in and kissed Michael and then rested his head on the pillow beside him, letting himself doze.

  Ash woke to the morning light streaming in. The phone was ringing, and Michael was racing around the room, picking things up. He grabbed the phone. “Hello? Yeah, I’m coming to take Taryn to the bus stop. I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay?” He slammed the phone back on the receiver and shook Ash awake. “You’re late for work, Ash.”

  “Shit.” Ash climbed off the bed, looking at the clock. “You going?”

  “Not today. I can give you a ride in if you like.”

  “No, it’s okay,” Ash said. “You need to get Taryn to school. It’s ok, I can walk.” He pulled his jeans on, wishing for a shower but knowing he didn’t have time. Besides, leaving long black hairs in the shower drain would be a dead giveaway.

  “Don’t forget your stuff.” Michael gestured to the lube and remaining condoms. Ash threw them in his pocket and was herded out of the door by Michael. The rain was pouring down as Ash headed out into the street, but Michael didn’t reiterate his offer of a ride and Ash didn’t ask. He pulled his leather jacket tightly around him and started to walk.