Rainy Days

by Victoria Zagar

  “Not at all,” Michael said. “I want a copy of that, though. Signed by the star.”

  “Seriously, though,” Ash’s voice took on a different tone, his eyes, searching Michael’s expression for hints of disgust, for the loss of respect he had been expecting. “I’m a different person now. I don’t want casual sex any more. I’m looking for a life partner.”

  “I know.” Michael took Ash’s hands in his and leaned in for a kiss. The taste of his seed adorned Ash’s lips and it only made him kiss deeper, reaching his tongue into Ash’s mouth and finding himself there.

  Ash parted the kiss, smiling. “Thank you. I was worried that you wouldn’t look at me the same way again.”

  “You’re the man who saved my daughter’s life. You’re also ridiculously hot, sexy and loving. What’s not to love?” Michael yawned. “I’m tired. Perhaps we should call it a night.”

  “Okay.”

  Michael helped Ash to his feet and they wandered into the bedroom. Michael protectively curled his arm around Ash as they lie in bed, the rain clattering against the windows. Ash fell asleep first, his hair falling across his face as he lay on his side, his cast awkwardly resting on the pillow.

  Michael watched him for a while. I love you so much, Ash. I never expected to fall so hard for you. I know this can only get messed up from here. Such a high only comes before the fall. He had to fight the urge to wake Ash and kiss him all over. While we still have time. Before the real world comes to tear us apart. He let out a long sigh and settled into sleep.

  Chapter Ten

  Jealous Words

  Michael reluctantly left before Ash awoke. His cellphone wouldn’t stop ringing and he was ready to throw it against the wall. I know I have to go home and patch things up with Michelle, for Taryn’s sake. I wish I could stay, but I have to go. He closed the apartment door and headed down the hall, steeling himself for the argument he knew was waiting for him when he got home.

  Michelle was sitting on the sofa, crying as he opened the door and looked in. She made a show of reaching for another tissue as he stepped in. “Where have you been? I was worried sick!”

  “You told me to get out of your sight,” Michael said. “so I spent the night in a motel room. I don’t want to fight with you, Michelle.”

  “I don’t want to fight either. I don’t know what’s happening to us. We used to be so happy. I thought having another baby would help us, but that’s not happening...” Michelle put her head in her hands.

  Michael felt guilt rising in him. Look what I’ve done to her. My lack of honesty is destroying all of us. “Michelle, I...” I’m having an affair with another man? I’m cheating on you? There’s no way I can tell her that.

  “I’ve been sitting here, thinking,” Michelle said. “I think we should see a marriage counselor.”

  “Don’t be silly,” Michael felt the knot of fear tighten again. “Do you know how much those guys cost? We don’t have the money to pay somebody else to listen to our problems.” A marriage counselor would figure out I’m cheating. I can’t go.

  “We have to do something! I called a therapist from the phone book to find out how much it would cost. It’s actually not that bad. They even have a payment plan. So I booked us in for Tuesday.”

  “Well, cancel it!” Michael said. “I don’t want to tell some nosy stranger about our problems! We should have talked about this first! This is the problem with you, Michelle; you always go ahead and do exactly what you want!”

  Michelle threw the box of tissues at him. “You have no interest in saving our marriage, do you? Are you having an affair? Some dumb bitch from work keeping your dick warm at night?”

  “No!” Not a dumb bitch. The love of my fucking life. I should tell you right now and leave. He opened his mouth to spill it all out when Taryn entered the room, dressed in her nightclothes.

  “Mommy, Daddy, why are you shouting?” Taryn said, in her innocent voice. She was crying, and Michael rushed over and scooped her up.

  “It’s okay, honey, we were just talking, okay? I’m sorry I woke you.” The words melted in his mouth, his honest confession slipping away as he laid eyes on his daughter. Confessing the truth means losing her. I can’t do that.

  “Mommy, please don’t cry,” Taryn said. Michael put her down and she ran to her mother, hugging her legs. Michelle stroked her hair and hugged her.

  “We’ll talk about this later on,” Michael said. “I have to get to work.” He went upstairs and took a quick shower, throwing on his work clothes and leaving in a hurry. He kissed Taryn goodbye, but not Michelle. He slammed the car door and started the engine, speeding away from the prison that was his marriage as fast as he could.

  Ash woke and reached for Michael to find an empty spot in his bed. He sighed and opened his eyes, looking at the clock. Eight sharp. I guess he had to get to work. Still, it would have been nice to wake up next to him, just once. To have Michael here with me in the morning, not skulking away like a one-night stand. He sighed and got up, washing awkwardly as he held his cast outside the shower.

  He dressed with difficulty, taking twice as long as usual. I could have used you here this morning, Michael. He sighed as he walked into the kitchen. He fixed himself a sandwich and sat down on the sofa. Guess I’ll watch some movies to pass the time. Soon he was smoking and looking at his phone, firing off a quick text to Michael.

  “Hope 2 C U later.”

  He sat back and let out a long smoky breath as the movie played. The gangster shot his rival and the girl cried, torn between her love for both men. Ash snuffed out his cigarette and sighed as the credits rolled, watching the clock. Only eleven. He won’t be out of work for hours. He shook his head. This is why I get so scared. I spend so much time thinking about him, but what if I’m not on his mind? What if I am just his lover, always the one that will come in second place? He may never leave Michelle. Even in twenty years he might find an excuse to still live with her, and what will I be, then? Too old to find anybody else. I’ll grow old and die alone, waiting for him the rest of my life, and he’ll always have a new excuse every time I ask him to commit. I’ve seen it before. Fools hanging on every word their lover says. Am I a fool?

  Ash put the next disc in and started to watch. Two lovers, erasing their memories time and again as they screwed up their relationship, then meeting and falling in love again. Maybe love can never work. Perhaps we’re all just fools for believing in it. He sighed. Two in the afternoon. Still too much time on my hands.

  He paced the apartment for a while, washing the dishes and cleaning up. Finally it was four, and his phone buzzed. He ran for it like a teenaged girl, scooping up his cheap handset and reading the message.

  “OK 2 come over?”

  “U don’t have 2 ask,” Ash typed back. He waited with baited breath for Michael to show up, and within half an hour he heard shuffling outside. He opened it at once to see Michael standing in the hallway, ready to knock. A smile crossed Ash’s face and he invited Michael in, closing the door behind them. He pulled Michael close with his good arm and kissed him deeply before he could even take his jacket off.

  “Miss me?”

  “Sorry. It’s been pretty boring here,” Ash said. “Just the movies and me.”

  “Sorry I left so early this morning. I didn’t mean to fuck and run, I just needed to patch things up with Michelle before work. Last time she called the plant and got me in trouble.”

  “Don’t worry about it. How did it go?”

  Michael blew out a breath and shook his head. “She wants to go to marriage counseling. She even booked an appointment.”

  “That’s not a good idea,” Ash said. “She might be oblivious, but any trained professional is sure to figure out you’re having an affair.”

  “I know that,” Michael snapped, a little more harshly than he’d intended. “I’m not going, don’t worry. I felt bad that she was crying, but telling some stranger our problems isn’t going to fix what was broken from the start.”
<
br />   “Good,” Ash said, fiddling with his cast. “Just don’t let her manipulate you into going.”

  “Not planning on it. You seem almost jealous, Ash.” Michael’s joke fell flat in the tense atmosphere and they stood in silence for a moment.

  “So sue me,” Ash said, averting his gaze to the floor. “I’m not exactly rooting for you to fix your marriage and live happily ever after with Michelle.”

  “I guess not,” Michael said. “You know why I have to stay, though. A part of me did consider the counseling, if only for Taryn’s sake. She walks in on all our arguments. It’s not good for her.”

  “No, I guess not,” Ash leaned against the counter and opened a beer. He downed a large gulp, savoring the familiar burn in his throat. It dulled the pain in his chest where he felt his ribs constricting.

  “I have something for you,” Michael said, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a small stack of twenty dollar bills and handed it to Ash.

  “What’s this for?”

  “I said I’d help you out.”

  Ash pressed the money back into his hand. “I don’t want it. I have enough money from selling the truck.”

  “No, you don’t. They gave you what, a couple of hundred at most for that rust-bucket? That’s not enough to pay rent or anything else.”

  “I’m not going to take money from Taryn’s pocket. I’m not your fucking rent boy. You don’t pay me.” Ash looked at Michael with a fire in his eyes he’d never seen before, fear, hurt and anger mingled into one.

  “Jesus.” Michael sighed. “Sorry I tried to do you a favor. I guess I’ll just let Michelle use the money for marriage counseling then.”

  “You do that,” Ash said, his tension uncoiling like a spring. “Go live happily ever after while I sit here alone. Go tell the counselor you’re having problems with your marriage because you like to take it in the ass. Let me know how that goes.”

  “Forget it,” Michael said. “I shouldn’t have come over. Seems like you’re in a bad mood. I’ll see you some other time.” He grabbed his coat and put it on, slamming the door behind him.

  Ash shakily reached for a cigarette, lighting it up and inhaling deeply. I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m jealous, proud and selfish. I let myself sit here all day working up my fears and took them out on him. He thought about going after Michael but his legs wouldn’t move. Even now I have too much pride to beg. Let him work things out. If he wants me enough, he’ll be back.

  Michael drove home, the rain pelting down on the car’s windshield. He smoked as he drove, his hand hanging out of the window at the traffic light. I always screw things up somehow. Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut? I always have to push my luck. He turned up his street and parked the car, slamming the door to ease his frustration. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Michelle will no doubt be waiting with arguments ready to go. He let out a long breath and entered the house. The delicious aroma of food met his nose and he walked into the kitchen to see Michelle dishing up lasagna.

  “Oh, my favorite,” Michael said, taking off his jacket. He hugged Taryn and took his seat at the table.

  “I thought about what you said. I figured it works both ways. I have to try harder at our marriage too. It’s not just about you.”

  Michael nodded, relieved to be freed from a fight. Ash’s words still stung and he pushed them away. “Thank you. I appreciate this.”

  “You’re welcome,” Michelle said, smiling. “So, did you give any more thought to the marriage counseling idea?”

  “Just don’t let her manipulate you into going.” Ash’s words rang in his head and he sighed inwardly. That’s what this is. A manipulation. Yet if life was like this every day, it would be manageable. Perhaps she’s right. Perhaps we should try to make this better. I’ve been putting all of my effort into Ash and none into my family.

  “Yeah,” Michael said. “I’ve been thinking a lot about it, actually. I think we should go.” He patted Taryn on the head and she chuckled. I’m sorry, Ash, he thought. I can’t go on like this, the constant arguments, the sleepless nights. I have to try and work this out.

  Chapter Eleven

  Burning Down Love

  Michael sat in the counselor’s office, twiddling his fingers. They had spoken to the counselor together and now he was waiting for an individual session. He reached for his smokes before seeing the no smoking sign on the wall and putting them away. His mind drifted to Ash and he sighed. I wonder if it’s over between us. He hasn’t texted me at all, and I don’t dare show up at his door.

  The door opened and the counselor walked in, sitting down in a high-backed green leather chair behind a thick oaken desk.

  “I usually start all single sessions by asking each spouse if he or she has had an affair,” the counselor said. “Affairs are the biggest reason for marital discord, even if the discord started before the affair. It’s simply not possible to put enough energy into a family and a lover.”

  “Are you accusing me?”

  “I’m simply asking,” the counselor said. “I don’t know anything yet. That’s why I’m asking you, so I can figure out what we need to work on in our sessions. Whatever you tell me here is confidential; I can’t make you tell your wife, though I will encourage honesty.”

  “Yeah.” Michael twiddled his fingers, looking down at his lap. “Yeah, I had an affair. I think it’s over, though. Maybe that’s for the best.”

  “Okay, now that I know, I need to ask you the reasons. What did you see in this woman; was it looks, personality, or something else?” The counselor asked.

  Michael swallowed. “I had an affair with a man,” he said, almost in a whisper. His stomach was tight, twisted in knots. He plucked a lighter from his pocket and turned it over in his fingers, needing a distraction.

  “Oh.” The counselor struggled to get his surprise under control, but Michael could see his disgust as his poker face was compromised for a second.

  Yeah. Michael thought. You go ahead and judge me. “It wasn’t about the sex, if that’s what you’re thinking,” he said. “Well, maybe it was at first. We were both lonely, and hadn’t had any meaningful sex in a long time. But it became something more. Something loving.”

  “What did you see in him?”

  “He’s really attractive and he wants to see the real me. He has a whole collection of movies. He showed me what it felt like to have interests again, to be a person in my own right and not just an extension of a family.” Michael sighed.

  “You say this affair is over, but you don’t seem sure about that.”

  “We had a fight,” Michael said. “He was injured saving my daughter’s life. I tried to give him money to help him while he couldn’t work. He took it the wrong way. I guess I injured his pride. We haven’t talked since.”

  “Michael.” The counselor looked him in the eye. “I’m not here to help you with your affair. In fact, to continue with the counseling, the affair must end. I can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves. If you truly want to have a shot at saving your family, you need to focus all your energy and love on your wife and daughter.”

  “You don’t understand,” Michael said. “I was gonna leave her for him. If it wasn’t for Taryn...”

  “Michael, from my experience these things rarely end well. Affairs represent an escape from real life. Once that affair becomes real life, the cracks begin to show. If you want to be with your daughter, you need to save your family unit, not focus on a fantasy. Affairs can be intense and come with powerful feelings, but ultimately, they are not real.”

  Not real. Everything I feel for Ash is just a fantasy? Perhaps that’s true. I did come to him to escape from my life. “So you want me to end it. What if I don’t?”

  “Then I will no longer be able to treat you,” the counselor said. “That’s your homework for this week. Make a clean break. Next week we’ll work on dealing with residual feelings and falling back in love with your wife.”

  Michael left, pay
ing the receptionist. A sick feeling rose up in him as he met Michelle outside and they walked to the car in silence.

  “Did he ask you about having an affair?” Michelle was indignant. “I can’t believe he asked that.”

  “Me neither,” Michael said. “I guess it’s just standard stuff. They have to find out what’s wrong.” He fought his nausea as they drove home. Break up with Ash. I can’t stand the thought, but if I don’t, the counselor’s going to discharge us. Michelle’s not completely stupid. She’ll know why. I never should have told him about Ash. What was I thinking?

  He dropped Michelle off at home. “I need to get gas,” Michael said. “I’ll be back in a bit.” He drove away as Michelle let herself in to the house.

  His stomach tightened as he drove to Ash’s place. Soon he was standing in the elevator as it slowly rose to the forty-eighth floor. The physical pain was intense, a crushing weight bearing down on his chest. I just have to say a few words. I just have to hold off these feelings long enough to end it. It’s what I have to do to save my marriage. I have to do it for Taryn.

  The elevator door opened and Michael raced down the hallway. Ash opened the apartment door almost instantly when Michael knocked, standing in the doorway with a look of surprise and joy in his twinkling eyes. Michael’s gaze fell to the floor, knowing that if he looked at Ash he would be lost.

  “Come in,” Ash said, but Michael stayed at the door.

  “I can’t do this any more,” Michael said. “This has to end.”

  Ash pulled him into the apartment with surprising strength for a one-armed man and slammed the door, pinning Michael up against the wall. “This is that marriage counselor’s doing, isn’t it?”

  “I have to save my family. This is just a fantasy. An illusion that’s taking all my energy away from my home life.”

  “Do you really believe that crap?” Ash asked, taking a step back and beginning to pace. “That’s why I didn’t want you to do this. I knew a counselor would fill your head with bullshit about saving your family. Your marriage was already in the toilet, Michael, or you never would have sought me out.”