Rainy Days

by Victoria Zagar

  Michael’s dad put his hand on Michael’s shoulder. “Look at me.” Michael looked up, expecting to see judgment in his dad’s eyes but instead found only acceptance.

  “I already knew. Your mom found some adult gay magazines under your bed when you were a teenager. When you settled down and started a family, we figured that maybe it was just a phase, but I think deep down I always knew that those were your true feelings. I was just too stubborn and prejudiced to understand it. It wasn’t something you just accepted back then. Not like nowadays.”

  “I like women as well,” Michael said. “I’m bisexual. I loved Michelle at first. I didn’t marry her under false pretenses. I really did care for her, but years of her selfish ways have worn me down. I can’t take it. I know I don’t love her any more. I’ve stayed with her so long because of Taryn.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I’m going to leave Michelle. After Taryn’s birthday. I want to spend one last happy day with my daughter before Michelle refuses to let me see her again.”

  Michael’s dad grabbed another beer and opened it, the air escaping with a hiss. “It won’t be easy for you, living in this city. People will judge you for leaving your family. Especially for another man. You could easily lose your job. You’re choosing a hard life, fraught with danger and prejudice.”

  “I know all that,” Michael said. “I would take Ash and leave town, but I want to stay and fight for Taryn. She’s my daughter and I want to see her, at least on the weekends.”

  “How does Ash feel about that?”

  “He adores Taryn. He saved her life when we visited the zoo. He saved my life, too, just a few weeks ago. He’s a good man, Dad.”

  “You know, I never really liked Michelle. I thought it might come to an end, someday. Still, I never imagined this.” He sat down on a lawn chair and sighed, emptying the can of beer. “Michael, I want you to be happy. I support you leaving Michelle, if that’s what you want. Just do the best you can to make sure Taryn doesn’t get hurt. She doesn’t deserve to be a pawn in a lengthy divorce battle. She’s a good kid.”

  “I know,” Michael said. “I’ve thought about staying with Michelle until Taryn grows up, but I can’t do it, Dad. Maybe I’m just selfish and I should let these feelings go. I know that’s what a lot of people would say.”

  “They’ll say worse. I’ll support you, though. I’ve watched the strain on your face grow and grow. Others might not see it but a father can always tell when the world is weighing his son’s shoulders down. Besides, part of this is my fault.”

  “Your fault?”

  “Yeah, my fault. I should have talked to you sooner, instead of letting you torture yourself with your secrets. I shouldn’t have instilled in you this need to please everybody, either. I thought I was teaching you family values but apparently I just taught you how to hate yourself.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Dad,” Michael said. “It’s my fault for not telling the truth. For worrying too much about what other people think. I should have been honest with everybody a long time ago. Things never should have reached this point. That’s why I have to make it right. I have to tell the truth for once in my life. Maybe it won’t work out. Maybe I’ll lose Taryn and Ash. There’s always that possibility. But I know if I don’t tell the truth soon, I’ll be lying for the rest of my life, always too afraid to shatter people’s perceptions of me.”

  “I want to meet this Ash,” Michael’s father said. “I want to see the man who’s made my son feel this way.”

  “You will, Dad. Soon.”

  “Michael. I want you to know that I love you.”

  “I love you too, Dad. Thanks for this talk. You don’t know how much it means to me to know someone’s on my side. I’ve been alone with this for so long.” Michael shook his head.

  “I’ll break the news to your mother.”

  “I’d rather you not. Not yet. Wait until after Taryn’s party, okay? I don’t need anything getting back to Michelle. I have to be the one to tell her. I started this. It’s my responsibility to end it.”

  Michael’s dad nodded. “Okay, I’ll abide by your wishes. You seem to know what you’re doing. Just make sure you do it, okay? I don’t want to hear a year from now that you’re still stringing along a boyfriend and a wife. That I won’t abide by.”

  “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m going to take care of it. Thanks for the talk. I should get going before Michelle wonders where I am. I still have to pick some things up from the house.” He left his parents’ house, getting into his car with a sigh.

  I can’t believe I just had that conversation with my dad. I can’t believe he was so accepting. If he can accept my sexuality, perhaps everybody else can as well, given time. He drove to Ash’s apartment with a hopeful feeling. Ash sensed his mood at once as he opened the door.

  “You seem happy for a guy who just moved into a trailer,” Ash said, greeting Michael with a kiss. “What happened?”

  “My dad just confronted me about having an affair. I told him everything. I can’t believe how accepting he was. My own dad! I can’t believe it.”

  “That’s good to hear,” Ash said, smiling. “Sometimes people can surprise you.”

  “Yeah, really. I told him to keep it a secret until after Taryn’s party, but then there’s going to be no more secrets, Ash. It’s time to tell the truth and face the consequences.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Last Birthday

  Michael pressed a small envelope into Ash’s hand as he entered his apartment on the day of the party. Ash opened it and laughed as he pulled out the small birthday invitation.

  “You want me to come to Taryn’s party? Do you think that’s such a good idea?”

  “Taryn loves the man who saved her life,” Michael said. “She’s been asking me all week if Mr. Ash was coming. So I hope you have some time this afternoon.”

  “Yeah, course I do. Still, it’s going to be uncomfortable.”

  “Yeah, well, soon everybody’s going to know,” Michael said. “Everything’s going to change.” Ash’s hands were on his shoulders and Michael leaned into him. “I’m scared, Ash. It’s not easy to hurt people.”

  “I know. Don’t worry about it right now, Michael. Concentrate on having a good day with your daughter. Taryn deserves to have your full attention. You can worry about everything else later on.”

  “That’s true,” Michael sighed. Ash stroked his hair and drew him into a deep, loving kiss. Michael let his tension go in Ash’s arms. This is the place where I belong. Once it’s all over, we’ll be better off. I’ll be happier. It’s a brutal thing that I have to do, but it must be done.

  “I have to get going,” Michael said. “I have a lot of work to do for the party.”

  “Of course. Go see Taryn, Michael. We’ll have all the time we need soon enough.”

  “Yeah,” Michael said, kissing Ash again. “I’ll see you at the party, okay?”

  “Absolutely. I won’t let Taryn down.”

  “Thanks,” Michael left reluctantly, heading down the hallway to the elevator with a sigh. He stepped in as the elevator reached his floor and leaned on the railing as it descended. The moment of truth is fast approaching. I can’t forget it, Ash. The fear is all I can think about.

  He reached the parking garage and left the stuffy elevator, heading to Michelle’s car and driving home. He chain-smoked on the way, trying to ease his nerves. I’ve got to think about the party. This could be the last good moment I spend with my daughter. I have to make it count. He closed his eyes, feeling a sudden wave of sorrow overcome him, and was snapped back to reality by an oncoming car honking its horn to inform him he was drifting into the opposite lane. He pulled the car back into his lane with a jolt of fear.

  He pulled into the trailer park. Michelle was hanging decorations around the trailer and setting up outdoor tables. He stepped out of the car and Michelle hurried over to him.

  “Michael, did you get the cake?”

 
; “Damn, I forgot.”

  Michelle sighed. “Michael, I asked you to do one thing. Aren’t you even capable of that?”

  “I’m sorry,. It just slipped my mind.”

  “Well, you’d better hurry. The guests will be arriving soon, and we still have to pick Taryn up. I don’t want her to see that cake, either. It was expensive and it’s going to be a surprise!”

  “Don’t worry,” Michael said. “I’ll go get the cake, come back here and then go and get Taryn, okay?”

  “Things were easier when we had two cars.”

  “Well, it was an accident,” Michael said. “Be grateful I’m still alive. If I hadn’t given Ash a ride to work, I would be dead by now.”

  “True enough. Is Ash coming to the party? Taryn won’t shut up about him.”

  “Yeah, he said he would come. Well, I’d better go. I’ll be back soon, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Michael raced around and soon enough was driving back to the trailer park with Taryn in the back of the car. Taryn was excitable and bubbly.

  “I can’t wait for the party, Daddy!” Taryn said, swinging her legs and shifting in her seat.

  “I know, honey. Don’t be sad if some of your friends can’t make it, though.”

  “What about Mr. Ash? Is he coming?”

  Michael laughed. “Yeah, Mr. Ash said he would come.”

  “Yay!” Taryn cheered as they pulled into the trailer park. Decorations were hung all over the trailer, with plastic tables set outside. The sun was shining and children were running around. Michael stopped the car and Taryn climbed out, running to her mother. Michelle took her hand and guided her into the throng of children, who started to clap and sing “Happy Birthday”.

  Michael looked around for Ash but didn’t see him. Maybe he had second thoughts. I wouldn’t blame him. It was a lot to ask, expecting him to watch me play house with my wife and daughter.

  Just as he thought that, he heard the roar of Ash’s motorcycle and looked out at the road, where Ash was rising along with a throng of helium filled balloons tied to the back of the bike. He pulled into the parking lot of the park to cheers, while Michael burst out laughing. He looks so ridiculous dressed in that leather jacket carrying all those balloons. Ash smiled a winning smile and climbed off the bike, where he was surrounded by children wanting balloons. He handed them all out until there was only one left, a special foil balloon. He took it over to Taryn and knelt down, handing it to her.

  “Happy birthday, Taryn,” Ash said. “Sorry I’m late.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Ash,” Taryn said. One of the kids let go of their balloon and it floated away.

  “You’ve got to hold on tightly to that,” Ash said to Taryn.

  “Why does it fly?”

  “Well, you see, it’s filled with a gas called helium, which makes it lighter then air. It also gives you a funny voice.” He grabbed a balloon that was tied to a post and untied it, breathing in some of the helium. “See, like this,” he said in a squeaky voice. Taryn laughed and so did Michael.

  “Do it again!” Taryn said.

  “I would like to wish Taryn a happy birthday!” Ash said in a high-pitched tone. Taryn laughed, along with Michelle and the rest of the kids. Michael’s laugh was bittersweet, joy and fear mingling in his gut as they enjoyed the perfect moment. Ash ruffled Taryn’s hair and stood up. Michelle led her away to the table.

  “Quite an entrance.” Michael said. “I didn’t know I could hire you for parties.”

  Ash shot him a sad smile. “Yeah, well. Only this one. Do you have any beer?”

  “Sure, right this way,” Michael said, leading Ash into the trailer.

  “It wasn’t too much, was it?”

  “Ash, you were great. Thank you so much. Taryn’s so happy.” He looked out of the window to see her dancing around, the silver balloon tugging on its cord. Ash saw the look of sadness and longing there and looked down at the floor.

  Michael tore himself away and fumbled in the fridge for a beer. Ash opened it right away and guzzled it, trying to ignore the pained look in Michael’s eyes. I’m doing this to him, Ash realized. I’m tearing him apart. Ash finished his drink and they headed back outside wordlessly.

  Michelle lit the candles on the cake and called everybody over. Ash stood at the back, watching Taryn blow out the candles and make a wish. I wonder what your wish is, kiddo? I know what mine is. To be with your dad. But that can’t happen, can it? He looked at Michael hugging Taryn as Michelle cut the cake, a smile on her face. Taryn laughed as Michael daubed some of the cream icing on her nose and cheeks.

  This is what I’m going to destroy, Ash realized, his guilt rising to the surface. I’m taking a man from his wife and daughter. This isn’t right. I can’t let him do it. I never should have asked him to make a choice like this. He backed away slowly, slipping away. Michael didn’t even realize that he was leaving until he heard the motorcycle start up with a roar and pull out onto the main road. Michael caught a glimpse of his pained expression and wanted to chase him down, but he knew he couldn’t.

  “Where’s Ash going?” Michelle asked.

  “Oh, he got a phone call,” Michael said. “He had to go. One of his relatives is in the hospital.”

  “Oh, what a shame. Well, I guess we should wrap this thing up soon anyway. It’s getting dark.” Taryn opened her presents and the parents arrived to pick up their children. Michael looked for a chance to get away but there was none, and he resigned himself to cleaning up paper plates while Michelle put Taryn down to sleep.

  Ash reached his apartment and grabbed an empty backpack from the coat hook behind the door, rushing into the bedroom and stuffing clothes into it. I have to get out of here. I have to get as far away from Michael as possible, before he makes the biggest mistake of his life. I can’t believe I’ve been this selfish. Tearing a family apart to get what I want... I’m messed up beyond belief.

  He looked at the DVD shelf and shook his head. Michael can keep it all or sell it. It’s just stuff. I don’t have time to be sentimental about it. He found a notepad and scribbled a note, crossing out words that didn’t fit and rewriting it twice, throwing the failed attempts into a trashcan. Sorry, Michael, but it’ll have to do. I could never stand to say goodbye to your face.

  He looked behind him at the sofa and thought about all the memories they had shared. It was good, the best thing that I’ve ever had, but I knew the rules. You’re married. It could never be a permanent thing. I can’t change the way things are, not without breaking Taryn’s little heart, and I won’t do that. He let out a long sigh and closed his apartment door for the final time. heading down the hallway and out to his bike. He put the backpack on his back and sped away into the night. I’ll go to California, I’ll clear the way for you. It was the only way this could ever end, wasn’t it? I get it now. I wish you all the best, Michael, and I’ll always love you.

  “I’ve got to go to the store,” Michael said, once the party was cleaned up and packed away. “I’m out of smokes.”

  “Can’t it wait until morning?” Michelle asked. “I’m tired.”

  “So don’t wait up for me. I’ll be back in a bit.” Michael grabbed his jacket and headed out to Michelle’s car, starting it up and pulling out onto the main road. He sped into the city as fast as he could, half expecting to see the flashing lights of a cop car behind him. He reached Tower Heights and pulled the car into a space badly, slamming the door and heading upstairs.

  He knocked on Ash’s door, nearly beating it down before he tried the handle and found it open. He went inside to find a mess, clothes on the floor, drawers open in the bedroom. A sinking feeling gripped him as he saw the note on the counter.

  Michael,

  I have to leave. Seeing little Taryn so happy made me realize that she needs you more than I do. She deserves to have the perfect childhood that we never did. I won’t get in the way of that for my own selfish desires.

  Michael, I love you more than I can explain. I wanted
to spend my life with you, but I understand that it’s just not possible. You belong with Taryn, and maybe without me you can make it work with Michelle for Taryn’s sake. I asked you to make an impossible choice, something that I never should have done. I’m so sorry, Michael. I hope you can accept my apology, and that you’ll understand why I did what I had to do. Don’t try to find me.

  Love, Ash.

  P.S. You can have my stuff. Do what you like with it.

  Michael put the paper down on the counter, stunned. He backed up until he fell onto the sofa, a million emotions rolling over him like a powerful wave. He put his head in his hands and let it all out in a great sob. Ash. We were going to build a life together. I was going to leave them. I’d made up my mind. Why did you have to change yours?

  Thunder rolled and lightning flashed as Ash sped along winding back roads on his motorcycle, thrashing the bike to get away before he could change his mind. The road was deserted but wet, a steady rain hitting his face. Ash was soaked through, the discomfort on the outside matching the feeling inside. I’ve drowned my heart, he thought. I did what I had to do, Michael. I did it for Taryn. I did it for you. You would never be happy without her. She’s the center of your world.

  Tired and distracted, he never noticed the railway crossing sign blinking at him, or the oncoming train until it was too late. He drove across and the train plowed into him, his motorcycle twisting and bending as he was thrown from it, his bones snapping in what felt like a hundred places.

  Michael... was Ash’s last thought as he lie on the railway tracks, broken and bloody.