Rainy Days

by Victoria Zagar

  “I know,” Michael said. “It’s all my fault, though. I did let her down. If he’s an ass to her, it’s my fault.”

  “No, it’s not. She’s a woman with free will of her own. Nobody told her to start dating. With her job and the child support checks you’ve been sending her, she should have had enough money to pay the bills without him. You’re not responsible for her decisions any more, Michael. She’s your ex-wife now, or at least, she will be soon.”

  “Yeah, that’s true. I’m sorry, Ash. I know this is tough for you. I brought all this baggage along with me.”

  “Well, that’s relationships for you. I was the one who ignored my better judgement and got involved with a married man. Kinda comes with the territory.” Ash smiled. “Besides, it’s not like I’m baggage free. It’s my porn video that got you into this mess. So I owe you.”

  “No, we’re even,” Michael leaned in to kiss Ash, a long, slow kiss to start the morning. “Now, I should shower and get dressed. Lord knows it takes me half an hour to get into that damn suit.”

  The courthouse loomed before them, fifty or more steps leading up to the colossal building. Michael stubbed out his last cigarette and helped Ash slowly climb with his crutches.

  “I feel so out of place,” Ash said. “I should be wearing a suit or something.”

  “Do you even own one?” A smile crossed Michael’s lips.

  “Nope. Why are you smiling?”

  “The thought of you in a suit. I just can’t imagine it.”

  “I guess it is a funny thought,” Ash said, looking down at his worn leather jacket, t-shirt and jeans. “I just hope I don’t let you down by looking like a slob.”

  “Look, if all goes to plan, we won’t even be sitting in the courtroom today. If it doesn’t, the clothes you’re wearing aren’t going to affect the outcome. So don’t worry about it.”

  Ash reached the final step and sighed with relief. “I should have brought the wheelchair. I just can’t stand the thought of getting in that thing again.”

  “Don’t overdo it,” Michael said. “You can just sit this one out if you like.”

  “Are you kidding? I want to be there when you make Michelle back down. I’ve watched her make you suffer for so long that I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

  “I don’t exactly feel good about it. This isn’t how I wanted to settle things.”

  “She only has herself to blame,” Ash said. “You weren’t being greedy. You didn’t ask for anything excessive. She just wouldn’t listen to reason.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” They passed through the glass doors and the metal detectors, Ash leaning on Michael to stay upright as his crutches passed through the scanner.

  “Ok, you’re clear,” the security guard said, and they met Michael’s lawyer in the hallway.

  “I’ve been waiting for you,” Michael’s lawyer said. “Michelle’s lawyers didn’t know about the boyfriend. They’re sticking it to her now.”

  “Hey, that was supposed to be my job,” Ash said.

  “They’ve set up a meeting in the judge’s office,” the lawyer said. “In ten minutes. I think we can settle this once and for all.”

  “I hope so,” Michael said.

  “Good job finding out about the boyfriend. Honestly, I didn’t hold out a lot of hope for this trial.”

  “We haven’t won yet,” Michael said. “Let’s not count our chickens before they hatch.”

  “True enough,” the lawyer said. A door opened and Michelle stormed out, looking visibly upset as she stalked down the hallway to the judge’s office.

  “I think that’s a good sign,” Ash said.

  “Come on, that’s our cue.” The lawyer ushered them down the hallway and knocked on the door to the judge’s office. An assistant opened the door and let them in.

  “Okay,” the judge said. “You’re all here. Good. I’d like to get this settled here and now, if we can.”

  Michelle looked down at the floor, then at Michael and Ash. Michael found Ash a chair and helped him to sit down.

  “Your Honor,” Michelle said. “I want to... I want to agree on shared custody. They can have the weekends. Also... I don’t want alimony.” She looked down at her feet as Michael smiled. Ash reached up and took his hand, squeezing it tightly.

  “Since there was no contest on any of the other issues in this divorce, I’m going to go ahead and grant it,” the judge said. The lawyers poured out of the room, followed by the judge, until only Michelle, Michael and Ash remained.

  “You win,” Michelle said, turning to Ash with blazing eyes. “But if I ever hear of Taryn being mistreated or exposed to adult--”

  “Never,” Ash said. “I won’t let her anywhere near my adult videos. I swear it. I’ll never let her come to harm, either. She’s Michael’s daughter, so she’s my daughter too, as far as I’m concerned.”

  Michelle let out a derisive sound. “I hope you know you didn’t defeat me. I made a mistake and I backed down rather than go to jail on perjury charges and leave her with you full-time.”

  “Ash, could you wait outside a second?” Michael asked.

  “Sure,” Ash got to his feet, leaning on the crutches and slowly making his way to the door. They stood in silence until Ash left.

  “I wanted to say I’m sorry, Michelle. I never wanted you to get hurt.” Michael looked down at his feet.

  “It doesn’t matter if you meant it or not. I still did.” Michelle shook her head. “I’ve been going through my memories, trying to find out where I went wrong with you. I guess I was greedy and vain, I’ll admit that. When you live with someone for so long, you start to take them for granted. It’ll happen to you and Ash too, at some point.”

  “I don’t believe that,” Michael said. “We’ve been through too much together.”

  “I guess we’ll see, won’t we?”

  “What about your man? Does he treat you well?”

  “We get by. It’s no great love story, but he’s good to me.”

  “I guess I should go,” Michael said. “Ash is waiting for me.” He made his way to the door and out his hand on the handle when Michelle stopped him.

  “Michael, why did you never tell me? About being gay, or bisexual, or whatever.”

  “I knew you’d never accept it.”

  “I guess that’s true,” Michelle said. “I honestly wonder, are there any couples who are completely honest with each other in this world? Everybody has secrets. The little ones, like the fact you hate your partner’s cooking, to the big ones, like sexuality. Nobody tells the complete truth.”

  “Maybe that’s okay,” Michael said. “Maybe everybody needs that little private space in their mind to keep their own personal thoughts. Not everything is meant to be shared.”

  “I wonder if Ash would agree.”

  “I think he would. That’s the thing about Ash. He understands me like nobody else in this world. That’s why I fell in love with him, Michelle. It wasn’t that you were wrong. It was that he was right.” Michael opened the office door and stepped out into the hallway without saying another word.

  “You okay?” Ash said. He was leaning up against the wall, looking visibly tired.

  “Yeah. Sorry I kept you waiting.”

  They left the courthouse. Michael helped Ash down the steps with loving care and back to the car, where he helped him sit in the passenger seat.

  “You’re not going to ask what Michelle and I talked about?”

  “Nope,” Ash said. “It’s none of my business, really.”

  Not everything is meant to be shared. You understand that. You understand me. Michael closed the car door and walked around to his side, getting into the driver’s seat. He put his hand over Ash’s, taking it and squeezing it tightly.

  “Thank you for everything,” Michael said. “You’ve been there for me though all this, even though you had problems of your own.”

  “Thank you. You’ve taken care of me for all this time. You never left my sid
e, even when it would have been easier to do so.”

  They leaned in close and kissed. Michael found his hands in Ash’s hair, and Ash’s tongue reached in to stroke his. Just like the old days, Michael thought. We haven’t changed at all.

  “Mmm,” Ash moaned, breaking the kiss. He let his hand roam down to the bulge in Michael’s pants and Michael gasped as Ash stroked him through his pants.

  “I gotta say, you look sexy in a suit. How about we go home and take it all off?”

  Michael grinned. “Okay, but then we have work to do. Tomorrow’s Saturday, or did you forget? We have to clear away anything unsuitable before Taryn comes over.”

  “All the more reason to spend today in bed together.” Ash smiled, and Michael felt his pulse speed up as he caught the devious twinkle in Ash’s eyes and the promise of all the things that were in store for him.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Good Times

  “All right,” Ash said. “The porn’s all in the closet under lock and key, and all the R-rated movies are on the top shelves. Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?” He sat down on the sofa, his crutches at his side while Michael knelt down by a stack of DVDs.

  “The knives in the kitchen are out of reach... honestly I can’t think of anything else. Sure you’re not just nervous?”

  “Of course I’m nervous. We fought so hard to get Taryn. I don’t want her to go home with horror stories, or we could lose her again.”

  “It’s gonna be okay,” Michael said. “Taryn’s a smart kid. She won’t hurt herself.”

  “Tell that to the zoo. Michael, I can’t protect her right now. I don’t know what I would do if she got hurt on my watch.”

  Michael laughed. “Anybody would think that you were her father. She’s really got you charmed, huh?” He stood up and grabbed his jacket. “Well, I’d better go and get her before Michelle decides I’m not coming.” He left the apartment, leaving Ash sitting alone on the couch.

  Ash looked around him at the neat apartment. I remember when this was my bachelor pad, with nothing in the fridge except beer and snacks. How times change. Now it’s a family home, two men and a little girl on the weekends. It’s sanitized, safe and clean. It’s easy to forget that this all started with road head and a one night stand. He chuckled to himself. I never imagined we’d get here from where we were.

  He dozed for a while until the door opened and Taryn rushed in. Ash opened his eyes in time to catch her excitement.

  “Mr. Ash!” Taryn jumped up on the sofa next to him, making his back jolt with pain.

  “Hey, Taryn,” Ash said, gritting his teeth at the pain. “How are you doing?”

  “Good!” She jumped off of the sofa and rushed back to her father’s side. Michael picked her up.

  “So, where do you want to go today?” Michael asked.

  “I want to stay here. I like this house!” Taryn ran into the bedroom and bathroom, exploring the apartment.

  Ash got to his feet and stood beside Michael, watching Taryn climb under the bed with laughter.

  “I hope you got everything,” Ash whispered in Michael’s ear.

  “I think so.” Taryn rushed in and almost knocked Ash off his feet.

  “Taryn!” Michael yelled as Ash fought to keep his balance. Michael supported him. “What did I tell you about being careful? Ash could get hurt if he falls!”

  Taryn bust into tears. “I’m sorry, Mr. Ash!”

  “Hey, hey, it’s okay. No harm was done. It’s all right.”

  Taryn’s tears dried as quickly as they came and soon she was back to exploring the apartment.

  “I guess being stuck in that trailer all the time makes this place seem luxurious,” Ash said.

  “The house should be repaired soon. The insurance money came through and contractors are working on it.”

  You say it like it’s still yours, Ash thought, but he said nothing.

  Taryn soon tired herself out and Michael set her on the couch to sleep. He watched over her sleeping form with a sad smile.

  “Don’t look so sad,” Ash whispered. “We won. She’s right here.”

  “I missed months of her life. I almost feel like a stranger. It’s like I don’t remember how to be her father.”

  “It’ll all come back to you. Just give it time.” Ash headed into the kitchen to get a drink and Michael followed. He grabbed Ash and pulled him into a deep kiss, unaware that Taryn had woken and was now standing at the doorway.

  “Daddy, why are you kissing Mr. Ash?”

  Michael pulled away from the kiss at once. “Taryn, I...” He looked to Ash for help.

  “Just be honest. She was bound to find out sooner or later.”

  “Michelle’s gonna flip out!”

  “So let her flip out. She can’t do anything about it.”

  “Taryn, go sit in the other room, okay? I’ll be right in,” Michael said. Taryn left, and Michael shut the door.

  “I’m not sure we’re ready to have this conversation. She’s too young! She’s not ready! I’m not ready!”

  “Michael, listen to me. You can’t lie to your daughter. It’s out. She knows. You have to explain it to her before she makes up her own theories.”

  “I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Michael said. “Damn it! I thought I had it all under control.”

  “What, your feelings? How long did you expect Taryn to go on believing we were just housemates? Were you planning on keeping to yourself for every weekend for the next ten years? Why? Because you’re ashamed of who you are?”

  Michael leaned up against the fridge. “I’m not ashamed. I’m just...”

  “You’re just what? There’s no reason not to explain it to her. You don’t tell her what we do in private. Just that we love each other, like Mommy and Daddy once did. How is she too young for that, Michael?”

  “I’m just scared! It’s hard enough having not seen her for so long, and she was asking all kinds of questions in the car about whether I still loved her mom. Now this! If I tell her that I love you, Ash... what if she hates me?”

  “You’re scared of being judged by an eight year old.” Ash shook his head and laughed. “Michael, she’s just a kid. I don’t think she even knows how to hate. Yeah, it’s gonna be confusing for her. It’s a lot to take in. But she’s already confused. We have to be honest with her and make this as non-threatening as possible. I swear to God she’s still going to love you, Michael. You’re her dad.”

  “You think so?”

  “I know so. Come on. She’s probably out there scared stiff listening to us yell and thinking we’re angry at her. Let’s do this right, Michael.”

  “Okay.” Michael opened the door and they headed into the bedroom where Taryn was sitting on the edge of the bed, nervously swinging her legs.

  “Come on, sweetheart,” Michael said. “Let’s have a talk, okay?”

  “Okay.” They led Taryn into the living room and sat her down. Ash sat next to her, while Michael stood pacing. Michael was craving a cigarette but he let out a long breath instead.

  “You know how I used to love Mommy?” Michael asked. Taryn nodded, a captive audience.

  “I told you in the car that I left Mommy because I didn’t feel that way any more.” Taryn nodded again. “Well, I’ve found somebody new that I love.”

  “Mr. Ash?” Taryn asked.

  “Yeah. Mr. Ash.”

  “But I thought only boys and girls fall in love?” Taryn looked confused.

  “That’s not true,” Ash said. “Men can fall in love with men, and women with women. Do you understand?”

  “So, you were kissing Daddy in the kitchen because you love him?”

  “Yep,” Ash smiled. “I love him very much.”

  “Are you gonna get married and have babies?”

  Michael exploded with laughter, and Ash followed, unable to keep it in. Taryn’s innocent expression only made it worse and Michael doubled over, gasping for breath.

  “What’s so funny?” Taryn asked.


  “I’m sorry,” Ash said. “Two men can’t have babies. We’re not allowed to get married, either, but maybe someday that’ll change.”

  Michael recovered from laughing. “Taryn, do you have any questions?”

  “Yeah. What should I call Mr. Ash? Is he my Dad now?”

  “Ah, semantics,” Ash said. “I guess we could go with Uncle Ash. I’m not really your dad, see. He’s your dad. I’m just... his boyfriend.”

  “Uncle Ash works,” Michael said.

  “Okay,” Taryn said. “Thanks, Uncle Ash.”

  “Any more questions?” Michael asked.

  Taryn shook her head vigorously. “Can we go get ice cream?”

  “Sounds good. How about you, Ash?”

  “Sure thing,” Ash said. Taryn rushed off to get her things.

  “I could use a smoke,” Michael said. “Did I do okay?”

  “You were great. Ditto on that smoke, but ice cream comes first.”

  Taryn rushed to the swing set as the sun beat down on them at the ice cream stand. She tripped and her ice cream slipped from the cone, splattering on the ground. She started to cry. Michael swooped in and held her tightly.

  “Don’t cry, honey, I’ll get you another one, okay?” Ash saw the look in his eyes, as if he was about to cry too, and smiled.

  “I’ll get it,” Ash limped over to the stand.

  “You go help Uncle Ash, okay?” Michael said. “He can’t carry the ice cream, so you need to take it.”

  “Okay,” Taryn rushed towards the ice cream stand and took the ice cream that the lady handed to her. Ash awkwardly struggled with his money but managed to pay, limping back over with Taryn in tow.

  “Eat your ice cream first, then we can play on the swings,” Michael said. They sat down on a bench, giving Ash a moment to rest. Soon, Taryn finished her ice cream and was on her feet again. Ash stayed seated and watched Michael push Taryn on the swing set, smiles on both their faces as a warm feeling filled him up inside. This is my family, he thought. I’d do anything to protect them, to preserve those smiles as they are now.