Surrendered

by Monica James

  We stop walking and I’m practically dancing on the spot, waiting for this damn blindfold to come off.

  “Surprise,” Jasper whispers, removing the bandana.

  It takes a few moments for my eyes to adjust to the light, but luckily it’s not bright, it’s simply perfect.

  “Do you like it?” Jasper says into my ear, still standing behind me.

  I can’t speak as my eyes scan over everything before me.

  There are twinkling fairy lights dangling from a large oak tree, and underneath the tree sits an elegant, candlelit table set for two. My eyes dart to the center of the table, and I find out the source of that delicious smell. There are takeaway containers with the words, ‘Fork You’ printed on the side, waiting for us to dig into.

  Sally.

  Does she know about my disaster of a day?

  “What is all this?” I ask in awe of the beautiful setting.

  “It’s all for you,” Jasper replies, kissing my cheek.

  I turn to face him.

  “But why? I don’t understand.”

  Jasper reaches forward, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

  “Sometimes life is about not understanding and just going with it.”

  I feel my eyes well with tears, but I brush them away, as they will have no part in tonight’s proceedings.

  “Thank you,” I whisper. “It’s beautiful.”

  “No, that would be you,” Jasper says, reaching for both of my palms, pulling me toward him so we’re standing inches apart.

  He searches my face and I search back, and this moment is one I will remember forever. The silence is not uncomfortable, like it has been of late, it’s tranquil and reflective.

  The slight breeze whips Jasper’s long locks over his brow, but he doesn’t brush it out of his eyes. He stands completely still, staring at me, like he has only just seen me for the first time.

  “Ava…” Jasper says, rubbing my cheek with his thumb. “I know our life has been crazy, but I wanted to give you this. One night where it’s just Jasper and Ava, and the rest of the world can just disappear, and so can our worries. Just for one night.”

  Jasper feels it, too. The weight of our situation falls on both of our shoulders heavily. But I can do this. I can forget for one night.

  “Sounds good to me,” I whisper. “Just as long as you’re by my side, I can do anything.”

  After three courses, I am about to pop.

  It’s so worth it though, as I never could say no to Sally’s Mushroom Risotto.

  Jasper is sitting across the table from me, his lips twitching as I’m all but licking my plate clean.

  “What?” I ask innocently, while scraping any remaining sauce from my plate.

  “Nothing,” he replies, sipping his beer with a smirk.

  This is so… nice.

  We haven’t done something like this in, well… I can’t remember when. The night is simply perfect, and I can almost forget the drama that is my life.

  Well, almost.

  Jasper’s phone rings and he exhales in annoyance. “Sorry, baby.”

  Giving him a small smile, I sip on my sparkling mineral water while he takes the call.

  “Hello. Oh hey, Mom, how are you?”

  As soon as I hear it’s Danielle on the other end, my troubles seem to creep back in.

  “That’s great, Mom. Uh-ha… no, not yet. I haven’t had a chance to sign the paperwork.”

  Paperwork?

  “Okay, no worries, I’ll do it tonight. See you tomorrow, Mom. Love you.”

  He hangs up, putting his phone on mute before slipping it back into his jacket pocket.

  “How’s your mom?” I ask, genuinely concerned.

  “She’s good. The doctors said she’ll be able to go home in a couple of days,” he replies, stretching his hands above his head and yawning.

  Jasper has been at the hospital every day, pretty much day and night, keeping his mom company. He looks beat.

  “That’s great news,” I reply, as this means he’s finally able to stop running himself into the ground.

  “Sure is. Once she’s back home, life can go back to normal. I am so over the drama,” Jasper confesses.

  I bite my lip guiltily. How can I tell him that the drama is far from over?

  “Hey, what’s the matter?” he asks, when I avert my gaze from his wise eyes.

  Oh, you know, just the usual. You know the baby we are meant to be having, well about that, there’s actually no baby. Surprise!

  Ugh, even thinking the words sends me into a cold sweat.

  I know I have to tell him. But here? Now?

  I just can’t.

  Not yet. Not when tonight we’re meant to be, ‘just going with it.’

  Tomorrow I will.

  “Nothing,” I reply, hoping he believes me.

  To change the subject I ask, “What paperwork does your mom want you to sign?”

  Jasper takes a long sip of beer and looks uncomfortable, gauging how to answer me. “Mom asked me to sign some paperwork from the insurance companies. In relation to my dad’s death.”

  I scrunch up my brow, as this is the first time he’s ever mentioned any paperwork. I’m not sure if I should pursue the subject, as I know Jasper’s dad is a touchy topic. I decide to leave it, as tonight is meant to be drama free. It’s funny how every time his mom is involved, drama just seems to follow in hot pursuit.

  “So, where’s dessert?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

  I look around as if my dessert is hiding under a shrub to my left.

  Jasper chuckles and it’s nice seeing him so carefree and relaxed.

  “Well, about that…” he replies, peeling the label off his beer.

  I am about ready to leap over the table and demand he tell me. No one messes with my dessert!

  “I thought we could be each other’s dessert,” he replies, and the look in his eyes reveals he is dead serious.

  Usually, I would be jumping up and down at the idea of being Jasper’s meal, but now, thanks to my little friend, that’s impossible.

  Jasper senses my apprehension and reaches for my hand, which I have unintentionally turned into a tight fist. His warm palm comforts me and I know I should tell him.

  I have to tell him. I can’t lie to him. Not again. I know we’re meant to be having a drama free night, but not telling him this is eating me up inside.

  He squeezes my hand lightly and gives me a crooked smile, his eyes shimmering under the fairy lights and a slither of the moon.

  “Ava, whatever you have to tell me, it can wait.”

  “No, it really can’t,” I mumble to myself.

  I shake my head, taking a deep breath before I confess my sins. “Jasper… I…”

  But as I meet his peaceful stare, I don’t want to be the cause of that tranquility turning into pain.

  He shakes his head. “Tell me tomorrow.”

  I bite my lip and nod, feeling like a total asshole for not telling him what he needs to know.

  “I…” he says softly, but doesn’t finish.

  “You what?” I ask curiously when he runs a hand through his hair.

  He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a familiar box, and just like when I first saw it, my heart begins beating wildly.

  He places it onto the white tablecloth and slides it towards me with two fingers.

  As I stare at it, my throat closes over. What does he want me to do with it?

  Shuffling in my seat, I clear my throat.

  “I know you said no to me, and I agree with you. How I proposed to you, it fucking sucked. But the offer still stands. It always will. I want you to be my wife, Ava, and not just because you are carrying my child. I love you regardless. I want to marry you, regardless. I just wanted you to know that,” he says with conviction. “That’s what my answer should have been in Seattle,” he adds softly.

  I continue staring at the box, not able to meet Jasper’s eyes because once I do, he’l
l know that I’m carrying nothing of his.

  All I’m carrying is this feeling of guilt.

  I nod, and being the chicken I am, I give him a small smile.

  “I know, and I love you so much. But let’s talk about it tomorrow, because now, now I feel like dessert,” I whisper, reaching over the table, yanking on his shirt and smashing his lips to mine.

  So for tonight, I will just pretend, pretend like everything is okay, because I know when tomorrow comes, there will be no more pretending.

  I am going to spend the day with Jasper.

  And his mom.

  The doctors are quite confident that Danielle will be released in two days’ time, believing that she’s on the mend.

  Here’s hoping they’re right, as this past week has been a nightmare.

  Parking my car in the underground car park, I ride the elevator to Danielle’s floor.

  I’ve decided that I’ll tell Jasper my news once she’s home. Focusing on his mom is the most important thing at the moment, and my news can wait another day.

  I head straight for Danielle’s room, trying to bypass the nurses and doctors who are attempting to contain a screaming girl, writhing on the floor.

  I don’t know how Jasper spends every day cooped up behind these sterile, white walls.

  As I reach Danielle’s room, I see Jasper standing down the hallway, pointing animatedly to a middle-aged doctor in a white lab coat. He-s holding a clipboard towards his chest, using it as a barrier against an irate Jasper.

  I can tell by Jasper’s clenched jaw and slanted eyes that something’s wrong.

  My sneakers squeak on the floor with each frantic step I take, as I sprint towards him, anxious to discover what’s going on. I reach Jasper’s side within seconds and hear the doctor talking to him in a hushed tone.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. White, but this is hospital policy. We really need that information,” he says, looking mighty uncomfortable when Jasper pinches the bridge of his nose, looking as if he’s about to explode.

  “What’s going on?” I ask, hooking my arm through Jasper’s and kissing him on the cheek.

  Jasper turns to me and gives me a small smile. “Hey, baby.”

  “Hey yourself. What’s up?”

  Jasper turns to stare at the doctor, and I feel sorry for the poor guy.

  “Doctor Fitzgerald is giving me a hard time, that’s what’s up,” he replies while glaring at the man.

  Doctor Fitzgerald clears his throat. “I’m sorry, but this is out of my hands. We need your mother’s paperwork to be able to dismiss her. We didn’t obtain these documents right away, as we knew what a trying time it was for your family. But we have asked for this paperwork for a couple of days now.”

  “What paperwork?” I ask, looking up at Jasper.

  “Her I.D., Social Security, Medicare, fucking high school diploma, I don’t know,” he replies, raising his voice.

  Both the doctor and I squirm because Jasper is really pissed.

  “Jasper, calm down,” I whisper, tugging lightly on his arm to get his attention, and to stop him from glaring daggers at the doctor.

  Thankfully, he does.

  He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. When he reopens them, he looks a little less murderous.

  “Sorry, Doc, I just want to get her out of here.”

  The doctor nods, pushing his glasses up his nose. “That’s okay, Mr. White, I understand, and she will be, once we get her documentation sorted. We need to ensure all medical expenses are covered by her health insurance before we can release her, and we need her admission letter. We don’t usually accept patients without it, but your mother needed our help, so we made an exception,” he says kindly.

  Jasper looks down at me with tired, weary eyes and sighs. “I’ll get the paperwork to you this afternoon.”

  “Thank you, I really appreciate it.”

  With that, Doctor Fitzgerald scurries off down the hall, away from the incensed crazy person that is my boyfriend.

  “Hey, why so agro?” I ask, turning to face him, searching his face.

  Jasper blows out a loud breath. “I’m just tired, Ava,” he admits, scrubbing his hands down his face.

  “Tell me what I can do,” I reply quickly, latching onto his hands that are interlaced over his mouth.

  “I need to get this paperwork organized, but in about half an hour, Mom is having her psych assessments and meeting with the social worker. I really want to be there for that. I’m going to have to blow off band practice so I can sneak in five minutes of sleep before I leave for work. I’m just so exhausted, and all this running around is killing me.”

  “Then I’ll go,” I say.

  Jasper shakes his head. “No, it’s okay, this isn’t your problem. I’m just being a little bitch,” he says with a smirk, but I can tell he’s running on empty.

  “Your problems are mine. Let me go. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll be back within an hour with everything. This way you can stay with your mom. I’m sure she would like that.”

  I give him a small smile, as I know how Danielle loves spending time with Jasper, especially when I’m not around.

  “You sure?” he asks.

  “Yeah, of course.” I nod happily.

  “Thank you, baby. Fuck, I love you.” And he pulls me into a tight embrace, resting his cheek atop the crest of my head.

  I nestle into his arms, surrounded by everything that I love.

  “It’s okay,” I mumble against his chest. “It’s no trouble at all.”

  In hindsight, I wish I knew how wrong I was.

  Danielle is a slob or a damn hoarder!

  I’ve watched those shows where people’s houses are filled to the brim with shit. Well, Danielle’s home could definitely be the star of one of those shows.

  Jasper said all of Danielle’s paperwork is in a white filing cabinet in her study.

  Check.

  He also told me it is listed alphabetically.

  Not check.

  It looks as if she’s filed her paperwork with her eyes shut.

  There is crap everywhere!

  There’s no way I’m finding anything in this mess. Her desk looks as if an explosion of stationary has detonated, and the flying debris is lining every corner of it. There are papers upon papers strewn everywhere and anywhere.

  I look at the clock, which tells me I’ve been gone for forty-five minutes, and I’m still no closer in finding what I’m looking for.

  Where would I be if I was her paperwork?

  I tap my foot, hands on hips, looking around her study, hoping that something, anything will lead me to the documents I seek.

  Sadly, it’s going to take more than hope to find the floor in this chaos.

  After ransacking the filing cabinet, which looks no different than when I first started, I slump into her study chair and roll forward, determined to fight this mess and win.

  I push aside junk mail, catalogues and a used tissue—gross.

  Still nothing.

  Just as I’m about to give up, my eyes drop to the desk drawer.

  Bingo.

  I pull on the handle, but it’s locked. Why would someone, who has every document she owns thrown around the room, need a locked drawer?

  I look at it and suddenly I need that drawer open, like pronto.

  Hmm, key. I need a key.

  My eyes scan the desk and I see a letter opener.

  Surely it can’t be that hard, can it? I mean, they do it in the movies all the time.

  I reach for it instantly.

  As I jam the blade into the drawer, jiggling it around, I tell myself this is technically not breaking into Danielle’s personal information, as I have permission to be here.

  Who am I kidding? Even if I didn’t, I would still be all over this drawer like a rash.

  After fruitless attempts to jar it open, I give up.

  I throw the letter opener onto the desk, frustrated, and it slides off onto the carpet, the momentum pushing mo
st of the documents off the desk and onto the floor.

  Great.

  Pushing back from the leather chair, I drop to my knees to gather all the paperwork, which looks like confetti scattered all over the floor.

  I am blindly collecting the papers, but for some reason, one document catches my eye.

  I hold it out and scan over the contents quickly. The paper drops from my hand, as I have thrown it to the ground like it has just bitten me, and its venom has begun spreading through my veins.

  My hands fly to my mouth as I go into shock.

  This can’t be. This can’t be.

  I tell myself to breathe and snap out of it, because I need to ensure what I just read is really true. After I have collected myself, I eye the paper like it’s a landmine, and it will ignite if I go anywhere near it.

  But I need to.

  I have no choice.

  I gingerly reach for the piece of paper, my hand shaking uncontrollably. As I slide it towards me and reread it, my stomach flips. I’m afraid I’m going to be sick. I shove that feeling aside and jump up at lightning speed, pushing the leather chair out of my way as I slam to my knees and frantically begin jamming the letter opener into the locked drawer.

  I need what’s inside to make sense of what I have just read.

  I’m like a madwoman, stabbing viciously at the drawer, attempting to jar it open. Only when it clicks, do I take a breath.

  I stare at the drawer and begin breathing hysterically. Please be wrong. Please be wrong.

  With shaky fingers, I yank open the drawer and throw everything out, tossing lie after lie over my shoulder.

  When I find what I am looking for, my heart stops.

  A tear rolls down my cheek and more follow as I look at an aged photo, a photo taken twenty-six years ago.

  It’s a photo of Jasper when he was just a baby.

  A photo of Jasper in the arms of a man holding him lovingly.

  As I flip the snapshot over, it reads, ‘Jasper and Jeremy.’

  There’s no mistake that the cerulean eyes staring down at Jasper belong to his father.

  But the problem is, Jasper’s dad… the man he knew to be his father, the man who abused him every day of his young life… is not the man in the picture.