Sweet Tea and Sass

by Tegan Maher

  "How's she doin'?" Bob asked, dumping freshly cut limes and lemons into the garnish caddy.

  Mila was typically the easy-going one out of all of us, but the last couple times I'd visited her, she'd acted weird. Stressed and jumpy.

  "I haven't really talked to her," I replied. "I've called her a couple of times, but we didn't really talk. Both times, she cut it short. Said she was busy."

  "Well, it's the Christmas season,” he said as he pulled his drawer and sat down next to me to count it. “I'm sure she's as rushed as we are, trying to stay ahead of all the orders. Her items do make great gifts."

  "Yeah," I said, recounting my cash for a second time because I couldn't focus. "I guess. Hopefully she'll come around once things slow down."

  We finished up just as Colin and Tempest showed up. My little fox was grinning to beat the band and the fur on her face was sticky.

  "Please tell me you didn't sugar her up," I said, and guilt flashed across his face.

  "She may have had some cotton candy,” he said, not meeting my eyes. He knew how she got, but he still couldn’t manage to tell her no. “And a candy bar or two."

  "And maybe just a sip of soda," she added.

  Great. She was energetic enough without any sweets. Carbs were like rocket fuel to her; add caffeine, and I was gonna have to tie a rope to her leg to keep her from blasting off.

  "You're dealing with her then," I said, giving them the palm. "Your monkey, your circus."

  We wrapped things up and headed to my place. As much as I wanted to teleport, I didn't, because I was the only one of the three of us who could. Even if they'd been witches, the whole resort was enchanted to prevent it. I'd gotten clearance back when I was managing the tiki after the guy who was running it, a fallen angel named Cass, up and got himself murdered. Blake had let me keep the privilege since it often came in handy when we needed change or whatnot for the bar.

  Jolene met us at my place with a fresh change of clothes for Bob. A sweaty Bigfoot did not make for the best smelling company. While he cleaned up, I took a potion and propped my feet up for a bit. By the time Bob was ready, Mila's magical cure-all had kicked in and some of Tempest's sugar rush had worn off.

  We headed to the closest portal to my house, which was only about a five-minute walk, then made our way through it one at a time. The smells of Italian food wafting from a restaurant across the street mingled with those of cotton candy and smoked sausages coming from the street vendors who'd rented space for the holiday crowd.

  The atmosphere should have been festive, but it felt a little off. Even though Christmas lights twinkled along the street, wreaths hung from the light posts and shop doors, and canned carols poured from the loudspeakers lining the streets, people were frowning and most of the stores were empty.

  "Watch where you're going," a woman snapped at me as she nearly ran me over. I ground my teeth and sucked in a deep breath; it was never good to pick a fight in the Gate because you rarely knew who—or more accurately, what—you were messing with.

  "What's goin' on?" Jolene asked, a puzzled expression on her face. Since she'd been mostly stuck at home for the last couple of days, she hadn't witnessed the decline in Christmas spirit yet. I explained it to her, and her face creased in thought.

  "Maybe Santa needs to come here," she said. "Get a firsthand view of what's going on."

  I shook my head. "He's been seeing it all on the news for the last couple of days. He's viewing it backwards—rather than getting that it's because he's lost faith, he thinks it's just another sign that he's making the right decision."

  Her mouth formed a little O. "That's not good."

  Since the statement was rhetorical, I just nodded. "But we still have the spirit,” I said, looping my arm through hers. “Let's do some Christmas shopping."

  We spent the next couple of hours visiting toy stores and the chocolate shop—Tempest's chocolate-dipped bacon went straight into my bottomless bag—then went to the Cracked Cauldron. We were halfway through our burgers when both my phone and Bob's dinged with incoming texts.

  When I checked, it was from Blake.

  911. I need you both back at the resort ASAP. Teleport.

  I glanced at Bob, who looked as befuddled as I felt. Blake was a powerful wizard and Dimitri was no slouch, either, though as a faerie, he had his limits when it came to what he could do offensively without getting into trouble. He was a lover, not a fighter. And Lola barely had any powers at all even though she was a witch.

  "We better get back," I said. "If he says to teleport, there must be something big going down." I took another big bite of my burger, then signaled to Shane, the giant bear shifter tending bar, for the check.

  He waved me off. "It's on the house. Merry Christmas, guys," he said. Shane was good friends with my brother and had taken me under his wing.

  "Thanks, man," Colin called as we rose to leave.

  I waved a hand and stacked all the dishes for him. Unlike Jolene and me, Colin and Bob had wolfed down the rest of their burgers. I took one last huge bite, then motioned for Tempest to jump on my shoulder. We all clasped hands and I closed my eyes, focusing on the office in the tiki. Two seconds later, the sound of raucous partying and breaking dishes clattered us, and we dashed to bar to see what was the matter.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The bar was absolute chaos. Dozens of elves in various states of undress and inebriation had taken over the place. Two were drinking straight from the taps while three more were swinging from the ceiling fans. Dimitri was slinging spells as quickly as he could, knocking one off the bar and zapping a bottle of peppermint schnapps from another.

  Blake was doing his best, too, but there were just too many of them. Poor Lola was huddled under the bar, her arms covering her head.

  "Stop!" I yelled, and blasted the whole room with magic. Everything froze in place, and it was then that I noticed Kris standing by the bar with his hands out like he was trying to help, panic etched across his face.

  His martini glass hovered midair, a lone olive suspended above it. I touched Colin, Bob, and Jolene, unfreezing them. Since Tempest was sort of an extension of me, she hadn't frozen when everybody else did.

  I picked my way around suspended food, liquor bottles, and articles of clothing to first Dimitri, then Blake.

  "What in the name of blue blazes is going on here?" I demanded as soon as I touched Blake. He about fell over when I unfroze him. "What's up with all the elves?"

  "They got here about two hours ago," Dimitri said, breathing hard. "Everything was fine for half an hour or so, but then they started doing shots of peppermint schnapps and chocolate liqueur. Things got out of hand before I realized they were lightweights. One threw a candy cane at another, and that was all she wrote—all hell broke loose."

  "Who are they?" Bob asked, plucking beer glasses from the air so they wouldn’t crash to the ground when I unfroze everybody.

  "The EOS party you told me about," the green-haired faerie replied. "Elves on Shelves."

  "Oh, no," I said, tapping Lola on the shoulder to unfreeze her. "That can't be good."

  Since I'd always found the whole elf-on-a-shelf thing a little creepy, I'd never gotten into it, but I understood the gist. Still, I couldn't understand why our bar looked like a set for an episode of "Elves Gone Wild."

  Blake glanced around at all the elves hovering in various forms of obnoxiousness. "Wow, why didn't I think to do that?" he asked, and I shrugged. He did tend to be a bit myopic, so I wasn't surprised that he’d tried to deal with them one on one rather than as a whole.

  Bob narrowed his eyes at Kris. "Unfreeze him, and he better have a danged good explanation for all this." He waved a hand toward the hot mess that was our bar.

  "What about him?" Lola asked, pointing to one lone, miserable-looking elf who was sitting at a table near the back of the bar, a cup of cocoa in front of him.

  "Good catch," I said, heading toward him. I touched him on the shoulder, and he startled when he unfroze
.

  I held out my hands, palms open. "It's okay. My name's Destiny. I work here. What's your name?"

  "P-Pepper," he stuttered. "Pepper Minstyx. I'm supposed to be in charge here." His little apple cheeks pinked and the bell on top of his standard-issue elf hat tinkled as he shook his head. "As you can see, I've failed spectacularly."

  "Don't beat yourself up," I said, feeling sorry for him. The hangdog look on his face expressed his remorse way better than words ever could. "The most powerful wizard and faerie on the resort couldn't even get a handle on it, and that's sayin' something."

  "Still," he said. "Can you wake Santa up? I need to talk to him. I tried several times before all snowballs broke loose, but he wouldn't listen."

  "Sure," I said. "Though I have to say, I've been trying for days to get through to him."

  He pressed his lips together. "Trust me—what I have to say will change things, now that I'll have his undivided attention."

  Pepper followed me over to Santa, and I reached up and pulled the martini glass out of the air before I touched Kris on the shoulder. I let the olive pop him on the nose—I figured he had that coming.

  He was wild-eyed for a second before he realized what was going on. "I'm so sorry, Destiny, Bob," he said. "I-I didn't know they'd get like this."

  "Explain," Blake snapped. "And don't give us any of that this is just another sign crap, either. These are your boys. Why couldn't you control them?"

  His forehead creased in chagrin and he sighed. "Pepper over there designed the Elf on a Shelf program to help me out. I was having a hard time keeping an eye on everybody, so he figured that having elves strategically placed throughout the world would give me extra eyes."

  "Yeah," Pepper said, "but the concept was flawed. Most elves were happy making toys, and answering mail, and carrying out the duties they'd been assigned for eons. Some of the old-timers were happy to take the job. It's an easy gig, and they're getting too old to keep up with the demands of everyday life as a working elf."

  He drew in a deep breath and blew it out through his cheeks. "That was the problem, though. It's easy. The younger elves who don't like to work were drawn to the positions, too. Plus we had some that were on probation, and this was sort of a time out for them."

  "Wait," Bob said, "Aside from the fact that it’s creepy that you planted spies in people’s houses, you're telling me that y'all placed troubled elves in homes with kids?"

  Pepper waved him off. "Yeah, but it's not like you think. Even trouble-making elves can't do harm. It's magically forbidden. They'd be zapped back to the North Pole the instant they got out of line." He beamed with pride. "That was one of my more clever pieces of spellwork, if I do say so myself."

  "So what's with all this?" Jolene asked, motioning around the room. "They sure look like they're doing harm to me."

  Pepper hung his head, but then he glowered at Kris. "No offense, sir, but this is all your fault. They got word that you'd abandoned ship, so they started pushing the limits. Eating the kids' candy, unwrapping gifts ... some even wrote naughty things in the fake snow humans spray on their windows! Anyway, they all got zapped home, just like the spell intended. But when they got there, there wasn't enough magic to hold them because you weren't there. They decided to run amok, and here they are, half naked and throwing food at each other in between shots of peppermint schnapps!"

  "Okay," Kris said, taking a deep breath and looking around. "Where's Winter? He's the worst of the lot, so I assume he's the one behind this?"

  "Winter?" Colin asked.

  "Yeah," Pepper replied, still glowering at Kris. "Winter Knite. He's a rare example of a truly bad elf. I told Santa he wasn't good for the program, but he insisted that if he had a purpose, he'd come around."

  "So," Kris said, looking around, "I was obviously wrong. Where is he? If we bring him to heel, the rest will follow."

  "Had you bothered to answer your phone," Pepper said, his arms crossed, "you'd know that he’s made a bid for your spot. It’s a great gig, knowing where everybody’s at every second of the day. He's got Mrs. Claus locked in the kitchen, and the worst of the elves from the Shelf program are assisting. The reindeer and the other elves are trying, but their magic is tied to Christmas spirit. In case you haven't been watching the news, that's not exactly at an all-time high right now."

  "But Carol is as powerful as I am. She couldn't stop this?"

  "You're exactly right," Pepper said. "She's as powerful as you. Have you tried using your magic since you got here?"

  "Okay," I said, my temper snapping. I jabbed a finger at Kris. "One, shame on you for trying to shovel this off on her. And two, you had to know how the magic worked. What did you think would happen?"

  "Wait," Tempest said, "How is this Winter dude using so much magic if elf magic is tied to Christmas spirit?"

  Pepper tilted his head and raised his brows. "Care to explain that one, Santa?"

  Kris heaved a resigned sigh. "Winter's mother was a bit ... high strung when she was young. She got in with a bad crowd and caught Frost's eye. He's Winter's father."

  "Frost, as in your arch-nemesis?" Tempest asked, disbelief tinting her voice. "The one who almost killed you and took over the world? You put Frost's son in a position of power?"

  Kris waved a hand. "I wasn't going to hold his lineage against him. Plus, the EOS program is rigorously controlled. There is no power."

  "Obviously," Bob said, sarcasm lacing his tone.

  "I admit it! I screwed up," Kris exclaimed, pushing to his feet. "But that's water under the bridge. We have to go save Carol and the others."

  "That's the first rational statement you've made all week," I said. "Let's go."

  "But what about them?" Pepper asked, motioning toward the frozen elves.

  "Leave 'em," Blake said, shaking his head. "The last thing we need is them coming in and flanking us. I'll put the emergency plan in place and quarantine the whole bar area. Nobody comes or goes."

  "I have to get home to the kids," Jolene said, and Bob worried his lip, indecision scrawled across his features.

  "You stay here," I told him. "In case something happens and the security breaks, they'll need you. The whole resort will, especially since you'll be the only person who knows what's going on."

  “Okay,” he said. “As long as you’ll be all right without me.”

  "We’ll be fine,” I said, impatient. I turned to the others. “Let's go. We don't know how bad it is, and we don't have time to stand around wondering. We have Christmas to save." I cast a pointed look at Kris. "Right?"

  "Right," he said, though he didn't sound as sure as I would have liked.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  "Gather around me," Kris said to Colin, Dimitri, and me, determination in his voice. "Only elves can access the North Pole without assistance. Everybody touch me. I'll take us straight to my office."

  Doubt crossed Pepper's face. "Maybe it's not such a great idea to land right at ground zero," he said. "Maybe we should go somewhere else, the stables maybe, and get a feel for what we're walking into."

  Kris gave a sharp nod. "The stables it is, then. Ready?"

  We all gathered round and laid a hand on him, even Tempest. I wasn't sure his magic would translate to her, and I didn't want her to be left behind. She was a resourceful little thing and would be useful to have around. People—or elves—would stand out like a sore thumb, but a cute little black-and-white fox would be able to get in anywhere.

  I closed my eyes and tried to prepare myself. Sometimes when I teleported with other people at the wheel, I got woozy. When several seconds ticked by with nothing happening, I peeped an eye open. Kris looked frantic, and a tad bit constipated. His face was screwed up and red with effort.

  "What's going on?" I asked. "Why are we still here?"

  "I can't seem to access my magic."

  "What do you mean you can't access it?" Tempest snapped. "Just let warm, fuzzy visions of sugarplum faeries dance through your head or something."


  Kris scowled at her. "I tried. I can feel it, but it's weak."

  "It's because you've lost your Christmas spirit," I said.

  Jolene stepped forward. "I'm not magic, but maybe this will help."

  She hummed a couple bars of "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas," then broke into the first line of lyrics. Lola and Dimitri joined, then the rest of us did. Shivers raced down my spine as I felt a trickle of power start to flow from Kris. It wasn't much though. Not nearly enough. "Sing!" I barked at Kris. "From your heart. The magic's there. Do it for Carol. Do it for all the elves in your care. Do it for people everywhere!"

  He pulled in a deep breath and joined in. "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, soooon the bells will start. And the thing that will make them ring, is the carol that you sing, right withiiiin your heart!"

  Warmth flowed through me, followed by a rush of peppermint-scented magic that nearly sent me to my knees. I closed my eyes, recognizing the feeling that accompanied impending teleportation. In an instant, the temperature dropped from the balmy summer weather to a cold that sent a chill clear to my bones. I shivered and opened my eyes to find I was sitting in a stall and there was a big-eyed reindeer staring down at me, hay hanging from either side of his mouth.

  I crab-crawled backward until I hit a wall, then jumped to my feet.

  The reindeer gave me the hairy eyeball, then sidestepped to the opposite side of the stall and gave a couple good chews on his hay.

  Kris laughed from outside the stall. "It's okay, Blitzen. She's with me."

  I stepped into the aisle of a giant barn and caught motion from the corner of my eye. Three sets of eyes peered at me from around a corner, but shot back out of sight when I made eye contact.

  Kris, whose beard had already grown a good three inches, gave a belly laugh. It wasn't quite a ho-ho-ho, but it was getting there. "Jingle, Snow, Candy, come on out. These are friends of mine, come to help."

  I've not made any secret about being a huge Christmas fan, and I run into movie stars and famous people all the time at the resort, but when three honest-to-Christmas elves shuffled from their hiding spot and stared shyly up at me, their arms tucked behind their backs, I was star struck.