“Don’t talk to me,” I say, breaking the silence. He shrugs his hands into his trouser pockets. “I can’t listen to you lie to me anymore.”
“Please. I have to talk to you about this before it kills me, Ella.” I look up to meet his eyes and he squats to my level. “The meeting isn’t for another thirty minutes, okay? I needed this time to fix this.”
“So nobody’s coming for thirty minutes?”
“Right.” His thumb rubs a small circle on my knee.
I stand up. “I can’t. I can’t do this to myself anymore. Do you get that? I can’t be hurt by you anymore.” I swallow back my emotions, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. Reopening my eyes, I see he’s walked to the end of the room. He runs his hands through his hair and lets out a groan.
“I get that. I’m so sorry this has happened. It shouldn’t have. I never should’ve pursued you. I’m engaged to be married. Leona… I mean, she’s…” He catches my eyes. “She’s perfect. She’s beautiful. She’s the woman everyone would expect me to marry.”
That’s it.
That killed me.
The tears I beckoned away fall carelessly from my eyes. “I get that. I just wish you hadn’t have given me that connection, Luke. That connection I’ve craved for years. That connection I couldn’t live without. You and I, we had the greatest summer. I prayed and prayed to be yours, y’know? I wished for you. You didn’t want me then. You were already with her.” I swipe my hand under my eyes and push my tears away.
He looks at me, confused. “What? When did you see me with her?”
“At Princeton,” I whisper.
“You came to me?”
I laugh a loud, hard laugh. It drowns in tears and I look back at him. “Of course I did. I came to you five weeks after you left me. Five weeks. You cut off all connection with me when you wouldn’t text me anymore. You know what your last text said, Luke? It said, ‘I’m sorry. This was never Always and Forever.’ You broke my heart all over again. The best part was going to your damn frat house, dressed up like a fucking idiot, and seeing her astride you, grinding against you whilst you kissed her. You held her so close to you. That was the real reason my heart broke. That was the reason I let you go.”
“Oh God, Ella. I’m so sorry.” He takes a step toward me and I move back.
“What’s funny is that I thoroughly hated my college life. It was the worst time of my life. Nothing else mattered at all. The depression I felt during high school, the pain of that was absolutely nothing compared to seeing you loving someone else. My dad lent me the money to go see you. He paid the airfare. He said you were worth it. You weren’t worth it then, and you aren’t worth it now.” I swallow, angry with myself for letting him see me this way. He sits down at the table and I sit opposite him. “What happened next even shocked me. I got into drugs at college.”
He snaps his head up and his eyes search mine. “What? What fucking drugs?”
I smile. “Cocaine, weed. It was my escape. But I got over that hurdle. I started sleeping around. I slept with so many people. I always wanted to find someone to love me. To love me for who I was, and tell me I was beautiful. But the people I slept with just wanted me for my pussy, not for my head. I broke my own promise. I promised myself I wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t love. I broke my own damn promise.” I drop my head into my hands as the memories flood my thoughts. The countless, pointless men I slept with. The cocaine I snorted off some girl’s body. I gag at what I did and stand abruptly. “I was a fucking mess. But it doesn’t matter now. What matters is what happens today. The past is there for a reason. It’s useless thinking about it now.”
“I’m so- I’m just sorry, Ella. I know you won’t believe me, but there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of you.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you thought of me when that bitch was riding your dick.”
“That’s enough!” He growls. “How does that even matter now?”
“Because you slept with me! You fucked me and left! How fucking little do you think I feel? Have you thought about what you’ve done? You’ve seduced me, had your fill, and probably fucked your wife in the same day.”
“She’s not my wife.”
“Again, not the point, is it, Luke?”
“I’m unhappy, Ella. I don’t know what I want.”
I scoff. “Well, you’d better get deciding. I won’t wait around forever.”
“Fuck!” he yells, and stands from his chair. “I can’t believe what I’m doing! This is your fault. You’ve ruined my life. From that stupid bump in the corridor, you ruined my life! I was fine until you came back. I was doing fine. Then you walked into my office, fucking broken, and black and blue. I had to fix you. It’s always supposed to be me fixing you.” He runs his hands through his hair hard. “You should go.”
I stand from my seat. “I’m sorry I broke us,” I say as I put my hand on the door handle.
“Wait! Just wait a goddamn second.”
I turn back to look into his eyes. “I can’t do this again.”
“We have to.” I breathe through my tears. This is goodbye forever.
“No, we don’t.” His arms wrap around me, snaking around my waist and holding me tight. I don’t hold him back. My arms hang as dead weights beside me.
“Please hold me. I can’t even begin to explain how much this is killing me.”
“It’s killing me too,” I whisper, lifting one arm and resting it on his back. “I’m sorry I slept with you. I just made it worse by saying yes to you.”
“It was the best feeling I’ve ever felt. It was perfect. Don’t be sorry for being perfect with me.”
I close my eyes at his words. “The presentation-”
“Taken care of. I want you to open the building and start to manage it. The purchase has been made. But the contractors can’t work until after Christmas.” He lets me go. “Shit, Christmas. Are we still going together?”
“That might be the worst idea you’ve ever had.” I giggle, and he laughs softly with me.
“You might be right, but we can fly home in my jet. It’ll only be a few hours. You can cope with me for that long, right?”
“Your jet? Wow.” I bite my lip. “We should be fine. Just text me the details. When are you heading back?”
“Christmas Eve.”
“Christmas Eve it is, then.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
The days are dragging. I feel like giving up completely. Daisy has left me and gone back to her parents. I’m so mad at myself. It took me years to try hide all my pain, to try and build a wall. For days I’ve wanted to slice into my arm, to reopen the wounds I so desperately tried to hide. I’ve walked up to that bathroom cabinet and opened and closed it too often. I just want to take every damn pill, maybe then I can fly away, forget all this shit. All that’s keeping me going is the fact that I have a pretty decent job, my own place, and a girl to rely on.
My cell keeps vibrating in my pocket but I ignore it.
Jesse McCartney is playing loudly on the sound system; it’s probably because of that. Some damn neighbour wants to complain.
I pull my cell out when it just won’t stop vibrating.
Fuck.
It’s Jade.
I swipe the green bar at the bottom and her voice fills my ears.
“You are the hardest motherfucker to get in touch with. You know that?” She’s so mad.
“Hello to you too!” I laugh, and turn down my stereo.
“Shit, what’s the matter? You only put Jesse on when you’re sad. What’s happened?”
I smile because this girl knows me far too well. “Two words. Luke. James.”
“Errr, what? Luke James, as in, high school Luke?”
“That’s the one.”
“What the fuck, Ella? Why have you got in touch with that dick?”
I cringe at her tone. “I didn’t get in touch with him, he’s my CEO and I only found out around four months ago.” I stand from the couch and head
for the kitchen.
“Shit, Ella. That sucks. Please tell me nothing happened.”
“Something happened.”
“What the fuck? Did you learn nothing from what happened before? Y’know when he broke your heart into a gazillion pieces and I was left to fix you?”
“He’s kind of all sorts of beautiful.”
“He was ‘kind of all sorts of beautiful’ in high school, Ella! He left you. He has no right to even approach you.”
I sigh. “I get that, Jade, okay? But seeing him again, I just wanted to feel that connection, that connection I’ve missed. You can’t help who you fall in love with. But it’s done now. Over. He’s engaged, and I’ve royally fucked up.” My tears fall at the reality of the situation. I sob into the phone. “I’ve really got myself hurt again. I don’t know if my heart can be fixed this time.”
“Oh, baby. I’m in the city. Can I come over?”
“Of course. But tomorrow I’m heading back to Charlotte.”
“Text me your address. I’ll bring Chinese and wine. And maybe Channing Tatum.”
I laugh. “Shut up! You’re bringing Channing?”
“No, not today. He is married y’know? A girl can’t just steal him from set and bring him over to look after you.”
“A girl can dream, baby.” I smile.
“I’ll be there in thirty.”
****
New York is cold and filled with bodies finishing their last minute shopping for Christmas.
Tyler has asked me to go into the office to finalize some of the move to the new building. I called Jade and cancelled, and told her answer machine that I’ll catch up with her in Charlotte.
I just want to bury myself in work, to forget all these stupid emotions. I wrap my arms tighter around myself and weave in and around people. I have no idea why I’m walking to my office. I could easily get a cab or the subway. But I feel compelled to walk. I miss the fresh air of Charlotte, the long roads with no people, just my feelings and me. Something cold hits my cheek and I stop to look up at the sky. It’s snowing. Wow. I smile, and it makes me feel all kinds of good. Nature really is beautiful sometimes. When I look ahead of me, I see an all too familiar face.
Leona.
I know it’s her. Her blonde hair is in ringlets and falls down her back. She’s in the arms of a man but it’s definitely not Luke.
Fuck.
Fucking fuck!
Why did I have to see this?
He has her pressed up to the wall opposite the James building. I pull my hood up over my head to hide myself. I cross the street quickly and watch from the front doors. They are in a passionate embrace. Why would she do it right outside Luke’s office though? Why would she be that stupid? They stop and I move backwards, worried they might see me. He pulls on her hand, drags her into a parked car, and they drive off. And now I’ve got a secret.
And I don’t like it.
I walk through the lobby and make my way to the elevators. I press for floor ten, the doors close, and I wait to ascend. But it doesn’t happen. I press the number again, but no light comes on behind it. I curse at the mechanics of this stupid thing. The elevator starts to rise and I start to panic. I’ve never been great with small spaces. It’s late, I’m here in the building, and nobody knows except Tyler. I breathe in deeply and wait for the elevator to stop. It’s taking so long. Why is it taking so damn long? I pull out my cell, ready to call Tyler, when it comes to an abrupt halt.
The doors open.
The light is soft. I step out and onto a soft cream carpet.
I’m in someone’s house?
What?
I step back again, and into the elevator. My heart pounds in my chest. I press the lobby button, but it won’t move.
“You’re okay.” Luke steps into my vision and takes my hand in his. “Please, come in.”
“I…” I look down at his hand and swallow back a cry. “I can’t be here with you. Looking at you now, it’s just… I can’t, Luke.”
“Come with me. Talk with me, please. We haven’t spoken, not properly. Please. I’m begging you to spend some time with me.” I swallow and take his hand. He pulls me from the elevator and I fall into his arms. “I’ve broken all my promises to you,” he whispers into my ear, and I let him hold me tight, just for a second. I clench my eyes shut and bite the inside of my mouth to stop the emotion.
I should know this isn’t real.
It’s not real.
I pull away, and his soft brown hair catches my attention. He looks so young, not like a businessman at all. I itch to run my fingers through his hair. I clench my hands and he smiles down at me.
“You look tired.” He traces his finger under one of my eyes.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re far from fine and so am I. Are you hungry?”
“Shit. Ty!”
Luke looks at me, surprised. “Tyler Green? He’s not here, he went home. I said I’d deal with the finishing touches for Full Stop. Great name, by the way.” He winks at me and I try to force a smile. “Come. Let’s eat, talk, and forget, hey?”
“I… I don’t know if I should, Luke.” I fiddle with a button on my jacket.
His hand grabs mine and he lets his fingers twist through mine, locking them together. He pulls me to the sofa in what looks like a penthouse, and sits me down. I feel cold as his fingers leave mine.
He sits next to me and uses his index finger to turn my chin towards him. “Listen to all I have to say, Ellie, okay?” I nod, and swim in his eyes. “Five years ago, I lost someone who was the most important part of my life. She lit up the dark room I had locked myself in, and just walked in and took it over. She picked me up from the floor and helped me dust myself off and become the man I truly wanted to be. I know you say I helped you. I helped you overcome a battle you needed to feel disconnected from, from pain you no longer wanted to feel. That’s exactly how it was for me. Losing my mom, I lost all sense of life. I felt like I couldn’t breathe when she died. I felt like I’d lost the biggest part of me. I couldn’t do anything for her. I was powerless. I watched my dad go through all of that too. He drank himself into oblivion, leaving me to look after Izzy, and to take care of almost everything. You saved me just as much as I saved you. We saved each other, and nothing could ever beat that.”
I take his hand in mine. He’s being truly honest with me. I have to tell him about what I saw outside, but I don’t know if this is the time. That loud voice in the back of my mind needs me to tell him.
He swallows and smiles down at our interlocked hands. “You always fitted my hand so perfectly.” His thumb strokes over my skin. I let out a small sigh and he shakes his head as if to release some tension. “You changed the way I saw everything. You helped me fall from that stupid group of friends and become a real person with real feelings. When we first met, I felt all kinds of weird stuff for you. Like, I became so obsessed with when I would see you again. I had to see you again, so I forced it upon myself to come visit you at home and make you come on a date with me. And I was lucky because you said yes.”
I stare at him. His face is absolutely perfect. His cheekbones are square with stubble lightly coating them. His eyes are almond shaped, and such a deep emerald green. His lips are full, perfect for kissing. I let this man go, or he let me go… I can’t keep up with it anymore.
“We were young, Luke. Just starting out in the adult world. You helped me and I helped you. We can’t help each other anymore. You’re marrying the love of your life.” I put my hand on his cheek. “You are marrying, Leona. Not me.” It’s not my place to tell the truth.
He leans his cheek into my hand and closes his eyes briefly. When he reopens them, something possesses them. It’s raw, carnal. “We both know that’s not the truth.”
I stand, anger on my mind. He can’t keep doing this. “The hell it is! We can’t be together. You made that perfectly clear! Stop playing me goddamn it!”
I’m sick of his shit now. I need a real answer.
Something that will give me hope.
“I’m not playing you, Ellie!” He stands too, our eyes in a battle to ignore our connection.
“Then prove it!”
He stares at me, possessing me, remembering me. He grabs me and pushes me up against a wall. His fingers pull hard on my hair and his lips crash to mine, marking me. “We’re supposed to be together. You know it, I know it. Why hide it anymore? Why hide what we are?” His forehead is resting on mine, our breaths hot and heavy. “I need to stop denying this. We are one. We are us. I choose you.”
“What…?” I breathe.
“I. Choose. You.” His lips touch mine again, except this time they are soft and gentle. He licks the seam of my lips and I open gently to him. Our tongues clash and lick, desperate for each other’s taste. I twist my fingers in his hair, pulling harshly. He growls and lifts me. I wrap my legs around his hips and groan as his lips hit my skin under my ear. He kisses across my collarbone and back up to my lips.
“I missed these lips.” He kisses my lips. “I missed these eyes.” I close my eyes as he kisses each of my eyelids gently. “I missed this nose.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “But most of all, baby, I missed what’s in here.” He kisses my forehead and I groan under his lips. His fingers dance up my ribs, teasing my skin. “I won’t let you go again, not ever.”
“Please don’t hurt me again. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you again,” I whisper against his mouth.
“Never. This is us, and we are forever, Ella. We promised forever.”
He presses his lips against mine once more, and I don’t give in. “Leona,” I breathe, and he pulls away.
“I know. God, I know! I’ve fucked up! I’ve cheated on her with you. I just… I don’t know how I’m going to do this without hurting someone.” He backs off from me some more.
“Are you sure you choose me, Luke? I don’t want to be that girl, y’know? I don’t want to be the reason you leave behind a great girl for a pretty damn fucked up one.” I pull my elastic from my wrist and tie my hair up. My hair is annoying me. I sit on the couch and he sits next to me. His fingers dance up my thigh.
Always and Forever (Always #2) Page 6