Pulse

by Amity Cross

  “Hey.”

  I glanced up at Violet as she hovered in the doorway to the kitchen.

  “Things aren’t going too good?” she asked.

  I grimaced. “I needed a time out.”

  “Sometimes I wish I could punch him out, but the best way to get through my brother’s thick skull is to slap him around with words.”

  “Yeah, I’m just having a hard time figuring out the right ones.”

  She slid into a chair opposite. “Maybe you should start at the beginning.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked with a frown.

  “Put aside all the things you can’t agree on and get to know one another. You know, for who you are underneath the surface and all that.”

  I raised my eyebrows in genuine surprise. “How do you know this stuff? Are you a shrink in training?”

  “I don’t talk to many people,” she said with a laugh. “But I read a lot of romance novels.”

  I felt a smile crack the surface and I laughed despite the ache I felt in my soul. I liked Violet Fuller. A lot.

  “You know,” I said. “I think you’re right. There are so many things he never told me… I guess we were too into each other to bother. Do you think he’ll go for it?”

  Violet winked like she knew something that I didn’t. “I know he will.”

  I’d decided I was in this for the long haul the moment I gave up my placing in the AUFC, so there was no doubt that I was going upstairs to try again. Violet’s suggestion had just cut out the middle man. The ‘middle man’ being lots of arguing.

  “Thanks,” I said, pushing the chair back.

  “You’ve got guts,” she said as I rose to my feet. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For sticking around. For trying to help him.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know about helping him. It feels a little more selfish than that.”

  Violet smiled, looking pleased with herself. “You’re honest,” she said.

  “Is that a good thing?”

  “It’s a very good thing. Ash needs someone to be brutally honest and you’re the perfect person.”

  I backed away, making for the stairs. “Well, we’ll see how that goes.”

  People said that honesty was the best policy, but sometimes it was too brutal to vocalize. Maybe that’s the only way Ash could understand things. He was brutal when he fought, so perhaps ripping it off like a band-aid might do the trick. Sighing as I climbed the stairs, I liked Violet’s other approach much better. Go back to the beginning and get to know him again.

  Yeah, that sounded just about right. The band-aid ripping could come later.

  I eased open the bedroom door and peered inside. Ash was sitting on the end of the bed, elbows on his knees, head bowed.

  “Ash?”

  He glanced up, his gaze fixing on me. “You’re still here.”

  “I said I needed a time out, not that I was leaving.” I crossed the room and sat on the opposite side of the bed. “It was either cool off or let things descend into a slanging match.”

  He grunted, casting his gaze back out the window.

  “We need to start from the beginning,” I said. “I think somehow we met somewhere in the middle.”

  “The middle of what?”

  “You know; the bits after people learn about all the mundane things.”

  “Like their favorite color?” Ash snorted.

  “You scoff at me now, but everything’s important.”

  I wasn’t sure what to follow that up with so I fell back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. A moment later Ash lay back next to me. He was close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from his body, but not close enough to touch. The chemistry was still there between us and it was hotter than ever, but we’d just implode if we couldn’t get our heads on the same wavelength. If we gave in, we’d be over before we even started.

  “It was my birthday the other day,” I said, not knowing why I cared to tell him.

  “It was?”

  I nodded, closing my eyes.

  Ash snorted. “I didn’t know.”

  “It was the second since my mum died.” I felt his fingertips graze the back of my hand and I stiffened. “It was always just me and her,” I said awkwardly. “I didn’t want to be reminded.” Pulling my hand away, I sat up, trying to distance myself from him.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, sitting beside me.

  “For what?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

  I glanced around the room, studying every nook and cranny I could see from my perch on the bed. I could feel Ash’s gaze fixed on me, but I didn’t have the courage to stare back.

  “Where are your parents?” I asked.

  Ash grimaced and cast his gaze onto his hands.

  “Did I ask the wrong thing?”

  “No, it’s just… They gave up on me the moment I was sent to prison. I haven’t spoken to them in five years and I don’t expect to start any time soon.”

  “They never came to visit you?”

  He shook his head.

  “Violet?”

  “She sided with me and was put into the same pot.” He began worrying the hem of his shorts. “It’s just her and me.”

  “They just abandoned you?” I tried not to let my jaw drop, but this was the one thing I knew all about. Parents who were meant to be there but weren’t through their own choice.

  “I wasn’t a good kid Ren. I fought kids twice my size just for kicks, I was constantly getting suspended from school. I got expelled three times. My parents put up with me until they saw an opportunity to get rid of me for good. It was like they were biding their time until I was old enough to go out on my own.” He ran his hand over his face, obviously uncomfortable with the subject matter. “It wasn’t until I found Beat that I felt like I belonged somewhere. It… Fuck.”

  I’d always thought we were alike and now I knew it. “You could’ve told me.”

  “You don’t need more shit to deal with. You’ve got your fair share and then some.”

  “You thought I’d be burdened?” I asked. “Shit, if anything, I burdened you. You’ve got just as much shit to deal with as I do.”

  “Like you had a choice Ren. Your history with your dad is common knowledge. What was I supposed to say? Your dad abandoned you when you were most vulnerable…hey, mine too.”

  I wanted to lean forward and slap my hand over his mouth to stop him from saying all the stupid things that were breaking my heart over and over. For such a powerful man, he sure didn’t have a lot of confidence in other people. He respected my dad as his coach; he loved his sister and me? I wasn’t quite sure, but I wondered if all I ever caused him was turmoil. A shitstorm of wild emotions he couldn’t tame, right along with his anger.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I always tried to understand you, but I didn’t get it.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I was the one who kept it from you.”

  Turning so I could face him, I reached out and traced the edge of his T-shirt. I let my fingers press against the parts of his tattoo that were visible and he flinched slightly as our skin connected.

  Letting my hand drop, I asked, “What does it mean?”

  Ash reached behind and fisted his hand into the material of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. My gaze dropped to his chest, taking in the tattoo that covered his entire front. It moved with every muscle and every curve of his impressive body and I couldn’t help reaching out again. I let my fingers trace each star across his collarbone before dropping to do the same with the words I’d wondered about since the first time I saw him.

  Ash watched me as I touched him, letting me explore. His entire body seemed to be coiled, restrained from pouncing, flinching or pulling away…who knew which. Dropping my hand back into my lap, I glanced up at his twisted expression, silently begging him to tell me.

  “Rage,” he said, pointing to the first word that was etched across his right pec. �
��You know what that one’s about.”

  “Do I ever,” I said absently. That was something I’d witnessed over and over.

  “Heart.” He pointed to the word over his sternum, right in the middle of his chest. He shrugged, giving away that he was having a hard time vocalizing his thoughts again.

  He pointed to the last one. “Rebirth.” He grimaced. “I’m still working on that one.”

  I stared at him, my heart swelling with pride. It was hard for him but he was trying a little bit at a time and I sighed. Not with frustration, with content.

  “What?” he asked, frowning at my reaction.

  “Progress,” I breathed.

  “Progress,” he echoed.

  Finally we were getting somewhere, reaching common ground.

  Ash reached behind him and held up the magazine. “Wanna show me your new moves?”

  Smiling up at him, I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, that would be great.”

  Chapter 15

  Ash

  That first day, we fooled around in the downstairs gym and I couldn’t believe how far Ren’d come in six months.

  She was always a fast teach, but she’d changed into something else entirely. A force of fucking nature.

  There were two places we’d always connected. Those midnight training sessions at Beat and when we were naked and fucking. The second wasn’t an option…yet…but the first we could do something about.

  She came back every day for an entire week after that and we trained together like old times. I helped her prepare a regime that would see her through the beginning of the AUFC season and tried not to think about when she’d fly to Sydney. She hadn’t mentioned it and I hadn’t asked.

  We got to know stupid little details about one another in endless games of twenty questions. She liked plain food, no spice. She liked the color red. She liked carnations because they reminded her of her mum. She didn’t like coffee and preferred hot chocolate. She didn’t like wearing makeup, but she didn’t need it. She liked rock music and hated the crap they played on commercial radio.

  She asked me what I liked the most about training and the only answer I could think of was her. So I told her as much and she heaved a medicine ball right into my guts. Apparently that was cheating, but it was the truth, no matter how soppy that shit was.

  Whenever Ren came back, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I was convinced if I glanced away for one second she’d disappear and I’d wake up and realize it was all a dream.

  We fought, but she came back.

  Why couldn’t I just fucking tell her how I felt? For a lot of reasons, the worst one would be scaring her away for good. What if she wasn’t ready to hear it? Shit, I wasn’t sure I was ready for it. Everything had happened so fast between us, whiplash had nothing on it.

  We were in the gym taking a breather after a three hour session rotating through the weights when I caught that look in her eye. The one that said she was stewing over something she wanted to ask. We hadn’t tackled any of the big questions yet and with Ren it was only a matter of time before her curiosity won through.

  “You’ve got that look on your face,” I said before taking a mouthful of water from my drink bottle.

  Her pretty doe eyes widened. “What look?”

  “What do you want to ask me?”

  “I haven’t seen you take your medication,” she said uncertainly.

  “I stopped.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t like the person I am on them.” I shrugged. “I don’t need them. I don’t want them.”

  “What did the doctor say?”

  Annoyance began to stir in my guts. “Fuck the doctor.”

  “Ash.”

  “The medicine wasn’t helping Ren,” I argued. “It just made me into a fucking zombie. I’ve made more progress in the last week than I have in my entire life. It’s you-” I hesitated. “You…” I grunted in frustration. “I have a hard time with this.” I waved my hands around.

  “Talking?” she asked, stepping towards me.

  I sighed. “Yeah. But it’s easier with you.”

  “We’ve been doing okay this past week right?”

  “Yeah.” I resisted the urge to touch her, knowing if I did, I wouldn’t be able to control what happened next.

  She picked up her water bottle and began worrying the lid, her eyes downcast.

  I could see something was bothering her, so I asked, “What?”

  “What happened after…you know…?”

  “After what?” I asked, knowing full well what she was trying to work out of me.

  “When Ha-”

  “Don’t fucking say his name Ren,” I spat.

  Ren narrowed her eyes and popped the cap back onto her water bottle. Then with one fluid motion, she sent it hurtling towards my head and it was only sheer luck that I caught it before it connected with my temple.

  I stared at her in surprise, but all she did was glare. “One step forward and ten steps back?” she asked, her voice wavering.

  I knew I had to tell her eventually. I knew I had to relive the whole fucking thing again if we were ever going to get over this, but I wasn’t sure I could handle it. Fuck, I wasn’t sure I could handle it ever.

  “Don’t you get that this is hard for me?” I asked, digging my hole even deeper.

  “And it’s not for me?” she cried. “I had to deal with the fallout the same as you.”

  I sucked in a breath, my hands starting to shake. ”When I sent you away, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I wanted to kill him, Ren. I couldn’t let you see that…”

  Some people were rotten to the core and Hammer was the worst of the lot. The only things that drove him were money and power and you were fucked if you got in the way. I got in the way and everything I held dear was going to be destroyed if I didn’t do something about it. I never knew how far I’d go to protect the people I loved from scum like him, but I’d soon found out it was pretty fucking far. I’d been prepared to take it to the darkest place of them all…but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t cross that line and I guess that was the thing that separated me from Hammer.

  “Ash…”

  “He took Violet’s life away from her and he was going to take yours. He was going to cripple you Ren. He-” I clamped my mouth shut as my anger threatened to overwhelm everything. What did that shrink tell me? Deep breaths, count to ten...

  She shifted closer and it was the one time I wished she’d stay as far away as she could.

  “After…I didn’t…” I curled my hands into tight fists to try and stop them shaking.

  “But Beat was all smashed up… It wasn’t like that when I left,” she whispered.

  I turned away so she couldn’t see the shame that was breaking my resolve. “While I hesitated, he regained consciousness. We fought some… I got the upper hand.”

  “Then what-”

  “I tied him up and stuffed him in the boot of my car and drove him out of the city.” An image flashed in my mind’s eye of wrenching open the boot and staring down at Hammer’s ugly as fuck unconscious body.

  Ren started to tremble, her eyes wide.

  “Are you sure you want to hear this?” I murmured.

  She nodded. “Then what did you do?”

  There was no nice way of telling her what I’d planned to do next, so I just said it in the simplest way possible. “I dragged him out into a patch of bush and was going to cave his skull in with a tire iron.” She let out a low hiss. “But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t-” I flinched as she placed her hand on my hip. “I left him there and the next day I was arrested.” Arrested with no way to prove what Hammer was going to do to my Ren. “You know the rest.”

  “Ash, I…”

  For once in her life, Ren was lost for words. I wasn’t fucking surprised. How should anyone react to that? I could’ve been slapped with an attempted murder charge. They’d tried, but couldn’t pin the charge. I could be inside for life right now and the fact that I’d only gotten a
year in my own home was a fucking miracle. Bribing anyone and everyone had drained most of my finances, but it was better than being back in the slammer.

  I was broke in more ways than one and despite my longing for Ren, it was probably better for her if she split right now. What future could I offer her when I couldn’t even offer myself anything? I may as well cut off my cock and balls now.

  “I’m going to have a shower,” I muttered, jerking away, the alarm strapped to my ankle suddenly feeling like it weighed a million tons.

  She let me go, not even calling out after me as I strode from the gym and thumped up the stairs to the bathroom. I needed to be alone; I didn’t want to see her leave when she inevitably realized how much of a fuck up I really was. I didn’t want to see her pity, her anger or her fucking disappointment in the man who was supposed to be there for her no matter what.

  What I wanted was to go back to the day she pressed me about The Underground and put a stop to it once and for all. I should never have taken her there. That was the day that it all went wrong. If it’d never happened, then she’d be preparing for the AUFC in Sydney right now with me by her side as her partner and her biggest fucking supporter…not in my homestay prison training with a washed up cage fighter. She deserved the best.

  I turned the shower on as hot as it would go and stripped, dumping my clothes on the floor. As the room filled with steam, I dunked my head under the searing water, but all it did was bring back all my fears and shortcomings with crystal clarity. Motherfucker...

  Letting the water pound into my skin, I pressed my forehead against the tiles, wishing that the memories of that night at Beat would just circle down the drain and be forgotten forever. All I felt was shame. Shame for what I let myself do, shame for what I did afterward and shame for letting it come to that at all.

  Closing my eyes, all I could see were the images I’d tried to forget but couldn’t. That was another reason I’d stopped taking the meds that the doctor gave me. They made me dream something fierce. Dreams of blood, dreams coated with all things red...