My name is Durex

by Umair Sheikh

  “There’s no work today.”

  “None?” Durex was in a daze, it was rare that the President would have a day he doesn’t work?

  As she was wondering, she saw the President signalling his fingers at her.

  Durex scuttled away, “President, what are your orders?”

  “There’s no work, but there’s something else you need to do.”

  “What’s is it?”

  “Fix my boredom.”

  “…” Durex was in silent for two seconds, “President, I’m an entertainer but I do not offer sexual services.”

  “Wages…”

  “Sell! I’ll sell everything!”

  So, during the seventh day of isolation, Durex who has been busy helping the President nearing to completion of the contract, also from a worker that didn’t offer sexual services transformed into a personal assistant that didn’t offer sexual services.

  A personal assistant’s first job was to accompany the President to play cards.

  “Can you be more serious?” Light Muller said very dissatisfied while holding the cards within his hands.

  President, injustice ah! Durex sounded like a tearful cattle, it’s not that she wasn’t playing cards seriously, it’s just that the President’s cards skills are too strong, winning every round, how can a mere shrimp like her endure this?

  “You can’t be like this.” Light Muller said, “How about this, if you win one round I’ll add one hundred dollars to your wage.”

  (* o *)

  Durex’s fatigue eyes suddenly shone brightly. Fortunately, she is not blinded by money, because very quickly she figured something was a miss from the President’s smiling eyes.

  “You wouldn’t deduce one hundred dollars if I lose one round, right?”

  “No.” Light Muller shook his head, “I will only deduct fifty.”

  “…. will it be all right if I don’t play?”

  “Of course you can, but since you’re absent from work, I’ll be deducting one thousand and five hundred dollars.”

  T^T

  Therefore, gambling can kill a person! With so much toil Durex worked hard for six days, to make the one thousand and five hundred dollars. After thirty rounds of card games, she unexpectedly came to a total lost, she almost even lost her underwear! Life’s ups and downs made Durex tried to weep, but failed to shed a tear.

  “President, you were just kidding right?” Durex asked energetically.

  “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

  It doesn’t appear so

  -_-|||

  “But.” Her pair of hands were rubbing on her clothing, “Didn’t you say that dreams are reversed? In fact, this morning, I dreamt you deduced my wages.”

  “You believed in these sort of lies used to trick children?”

  “……”

  It feels like that drinking a cup of milk power mixed with melamine, who would have thought she would end up drinking such a chilling drink.

  In fact, Durex wasn’t wrong for believing a child lie, she was just wrong in the believing that a capitalists would also have humanity, she should have known that a capitalist’s greatest pleasure was the toiling masses to drink one’s blood after eating their meat, before adding two kicks. and throwing you into the pit.

  At this time, Durex did not know whether to laugh or cry, at least the President didn’t take her underwear back.

  Suddenly, Light Muller’s mobile phone rang.

  “Hello?” He placed down the cards within his hand before standing up to answer the call, “The contract? Um, okay.”, “Tomorrow? No problem.”, “Is it? …”

  Looking at the President suddenly restored his boss’s dignity, holding the phone with a serious expression, Durex couldn’t help but feel extremely frustrated.

  Look! Look! What is a beast in human clothing? What is hypocritical? What is a refined rascal? There’s a living being standing before her!

  She bet the person who called him didn’t know that the President was a capitalists, in fact, that person is thinking of ways to drain the last drop of her blood! For crying out loud, she lay in the pit after being thrown into a toiling mass.

  Durex shook her head from side to side and whispered: “A pit of ten thousand corpses, a pit of ten thousand corpses…”

  “What were you saying?” She didn’t know when, but Light Muller has already stood before her, starting at her with interest.

  “Nothing!” Durex busily waved, having the ability to understand him, she suddenly came to her senses, one thousand and five hundred-dollar was shinning in the light, she has nothing to fear. So she simply stood up, placing her hands on her hips and patted her chest, saying: “I said you’re ruthless and greedy!”

  Regarding her sudden abnormality, Light Muller was a bit surprised, but his eyes immediately over came with another layer of meaning: “You’re saying this, but where have I’ve been ruthless and greedy?”

  Suffering his stares, Durex began to feel guilty, but once she thought of the millions of compatriots buried in a pit. She confidently said: “You knew I couldn’t play cards, yet you insisted on me playing, you also use the identity of the President to deduce my wages, you doing this is simply… being a bastard!”

  Bastard, bastard… son of a bitch!

  After repeating these two words in her mind, Durex began secretly scold herself: Durex you idiot! How dare you scold the President as a bastard, you really want to be scrambled like an egg?

  Sure enough, the President’s eyes cast a layer of shadow over her: “Say it again.”

  “I…” Durex tried to retreat backwards, her feet touched the sofa and her ass sat down on it.

  “How come you’re not saying it?” Light Muller leaned forward, his hands were on both sides of the sofa, her whole body was covered under his siege.

  Such a powerful aura, Durex huddled in the sofa, her mouth felt dry, her heart beat pumped rapidly before coming to a stop and she couldn’t move.

  “Say it?” He leaned towards her, breathing on her face and his sharp eyes were like two arrows blazing down, making one unconsciously hold onto their breath.

  Imminent in danger, just when Durex thought she wouldn’t escape death, the President’s leisurely voice came: “This asshole intended to give you a pay rise.”

  Chapter 28: The President is angry

  Increase! My! Wages!

  When Durex heard these three words, it was as if she’s been injected with a strong stimulus, she was extremely excited.

  Springing up from the sofa, her eyes shone with currencies, and instantly she started to flatter the certain someone: “Really? You want to give me a pay-rise? How much ah?”

  Just the mention of money, all her anger have been diminished, however her type of money hungry personality wasn’t one bit annoying in Light Muller’s eyes, instead he felt increasingly carefree, “How about I’ll add another zero at the end of the sum? What do you think?”

  Merely saying these words have shaken Durex to the core, after a very long she was trembling: “That… is there’s a decimal point in front of that zero ah?”

  “No.”

  “Then… there’s the RMB after the zero, right?” Please don’t say yen.

  “Yes.” Light Muller helplessly nodded.

  “Can you please pinch me?”

  Facing the mindless Durex, Light Muller felt somewhat helpless: “You don’t believe me?”

  Durex nodded and used her paws to clutch the President’s hand, then using it to mercilessly pinch her own face. When his hand touched her cheeks, she didn’t know why, unexpectedly her heart-felt some warmth.

  “Ouch!”

  After feeling the pain, Durex was happy.

  Hey! It’s not a dream!

  Why did the President want to increase her wage? In fact, the answer is within the phone call Jason made. A few minutes ago, Light Enterprise and Mou Kuai company have signed a cooperation agreement after negotiating f
or over three months. And this contract was the exact contract Durex helped adjusted a few days ago, the contract can be signed so quickly Durex also has merit. In Light Enterprise, their employees rewards and punishment system are always very clear, even temporary employees are entitled to these benefits.

  So from a poor person living on one pair of underwear whilst suffering many hardships, Durex have transformed into a millionaire. This feeling is like mixing a cup of melamine milk and transforming it to a mixed protein powder of melatonin, how can she not be happy and excited?

  “Linda, I want to invite you out to dinner!” Durex said with much excitement while dancing around.

  Linda was in the middle of playing games, when she suddenly received a phone call causing her to be distracted and giving the boss the chance to cut her into pieces, she was so angry that shouted into the phone: “Durex, you have gather money? If you have enough money, quickly repay me the soda money!”

  “You still thinking of that eight cent soda money? Don’t be so stingy!” Having money, her tone was certainly different, Durex lofty waved: “I’ll shout you to one hundred and eight barbecue buffet.”

  “Forget it! You don’t even have much family wealth, yet you still want to shout me one hundred and eight barbecue buffet? What about these eighteen pieces of optional hot and spicy soup that you promised to shout five months ago?” Linda angrily asked.

  “Linda, I’m not lying to you! I’ll invite you to dinner, you can even bring Xia Kun along.”

  “What? Condom, you have suddenly become rich?” Xia Kun’s voice came through the speakers.

  “You are a dead fox, you are condoms, you and your entire family are condoms” Durex angrily gnash her words, in this world only Zha Yao Fei that rascal can suppress Xia Kun the dead fox, this is the legend of one thing restraining another!

  Just as the two of them were quarrelling across the phone, the President suddenly came into the room, his eyebrows had a hint of dissatisfaction: “What are you arguing about?”

  Ever since this morning he mention giving her a pay rise, her mentality have been abnormal, even separated by a wall he could still hear her voice.

  On the side, Xia Kun heard Light Muller’s voice and playfully said: “Condom, why can I hear a man’s voice? Don’t tell me someone is finally willing to accept you the condom?”

  The more he spoke the more outrageous it got, Durex angrily shouted into the phone: “Xia fox, go die!” then she angrily hung up the phone.

  Light Muller witness the entire thing and quietly asked: “Who were you on the phone with before?”

  “A dead fox,” Durex said.

  “A fox?”

  “That’s right! Only a dead fox will show off one’s eloquence, once he sees me addresses me as condom, non-stop condom-ing. He doesn’t even think as a grown man appearing more beautiful than a woman is funky to death….” Because Durex was in a fit of anger, once she start complaining she didn’t know when to stop, when she finally realised that the President have witness how she acted the entire time, while Xia Kun at the other end of earth sneeze multiple times.

  “Excuse me, I was so angry that I feel dizzy.” Durex said as she poke out her tongue, thinking that the President must be reluctant to hear her talk about such matters.

  But Light Muller didn’t say much regarding the matter, he only casually asked: “Your friend is a man?”

  “Yes,” However, not only is Xia Fox appearance better than a woman, his mouth is also more poisonous than a woman!

  “You guys have a good relationship?”

  “Good my ass! Whoever wants to have a good relationship with him will have eight lifetimes of misfortune!” After Durex finished speaking, she glanced at the President, she felt that his expression seem slightly dark. Could it be she have spoken malicious remarks of others and form an impolite image of herself, thus degrading the President’s own image? It is no wonder a person such as the President who have since young received aristocratic education would certainly dislike a rogue female like her.

  Durex thought, and added: “In fact, although his mouth is poisonousness to a certain extend. However his heart is not bad. At least… at least his appearance is still passable…”

  Here, Durex racked her brains to think of Xia fox’s little bits of merits, she almost vomited blood. While on the other side, the President’s expression gradually became darker and darker as time passed.

  “Don’t say any more!” Saying these words, the person is already gone, leaving Durex alone in the room completely confused.

  The President is angry?

  It appears that the President is angry, this resulted in Durex to carefully and comprehensively to observe.

  Ever since Light Muller left with a dark face, he never uttered another word, he sat alone on the sofa while silently watched TV, even when she pretended to approach, he didn’t utter another sentence, completely ignoring her.

  This time, Durex was worried.

  This is all thanks to her complacency, thinking of her million dollar wages was still in the President’s hand, why did she betray herself?

  Once she thought of how she ill talk her friends in front of the President, she knew she completely disregard her image as the President’s wife, she completely exposed her ugly true side and dark mentality, Durex’s heart have much regret!

  Curse all of Xia Kun’s future opportunities, even so it’ll be difficult for her to earn back the fifteen thousand pieces of silver that have fallen into the ocean.

  Durex’s heart was anxious, this morning’s dream flashed before her eyes, countless of hundred-dollar bills that filled the sky was instantly turned into dancing one dollar notes. No! All those one hundred-dollar bills all turned into HD simulated counterfeit money!

  Durex was a froze into an ice spirit, from horror fantasy she returned to reality and the President sitting on the sofa, an antithetical couplet suddenly appeared in her mind——

  A: Train her mind to be thick-skinned

  B: Innumerable amount of money

  C: There’s also her wages!

  Inspired by the antithetical couplet, Durex regrouped her mentality and put on her thick skin before re-approaching: “President, are you thirsty?”

  “……”

  “If you’re not thirsty, then are you hungry?”

  “……”

  “If you’re not hungry… then how about I massage your shoulders for you?” After Durex said this, regardless of whether Light Muller replied or not. She took off her slippers and climbed onto the sofa, using both of her claws she kneaded the President’s shoulders.

  Her two claws knead knead, this skill was like wrapping dumplings, gentle and soft.

  Such soft movements was like Mars crossing over the grassland, whatever she touched a certain part of the body was ready to erupt.

  The President didn’t push her away, so there’s still hope of her receiving her wages, so Durex knead with more effort, while kneading she also asked: “Is it comfortable?”

  Her voice was like a breeze blowing over the surface of the lake, causing ripples making his fingers unconsciously move.

  “I also know how to unblock the gallbladder channels as well, would you like to try?” As she said this her two claws moved to Light Muller’s arms, “This is called the pericardium meridian, Qian Tianchi[1], Tianquan[2], Qu Ze[3], Neiguan[4], Laogong[5] and Zhongchong[6]

  point, it can supplement the blood flow.”

  [1] Tianchi is the meridian point right on the chest. Further info about the massage technique:

  [2] Tianquan is the meridian point right near the armpit. Further info about the massage technique:

  [3] Qu Ze is the meridian point on the inner elbow. Further info about the massage technique:

  [4] Neiguan is the meridian point above the wrist. It is the Luo-Connecting Point and main point for stopping vomiting and hiccup, and treating arrhythmia. Further info about the massage technique:


  [5] Laogong is the meridian point located at the region of the palm where the tip of the middle finger is reached with the fist clenched. Further info about the massage technique:

  [6] Zhongchong is the meridian point located in the centre of the tip of the middle finger. Further info about the massage technique:

  With her index finger kneading throughout his entire body, little sparks were seen spreading, it aroused the prairie fire.

  On the side, Durex continued to show off her knowledge of traditional Chinese medicine.

  “This is the Shenmen[7] located on the wrist side, if you massage it every few days, it can treat insomnia. Oh… why is your hand so hot ah?”

  [7] Shenmen is the meridian point located at the ulnar end of the transverse crease of the wrist. Further info about the massage technique:

  Suddenly, his hands twist her flexible palm and tightly wrapped her hand.

  Durex was startled: “President, you also want to try it? That… here is the Shenmen point. Why are you kneading my entire hand ah!”

  Her sentence wasn’t finished when Light Muller suddenly gently tug the defenseless Durex into his arms.

  “I want to give it a try.” His voice was hoarse, it wasn’t serious like the past, it has a unique charm, gently blowing down on her heart causing her entire ear to turn red.

  “What… are you saying…? This is not a meridian point!” The scorching hand within her clothing abruptly froze upon hearing her voice.

  This time, Durex with such low EQ also know what will happen next, his lips have been affixed to her neck, gently stroking it bit by bit.

  In an instant, an electric current passes through her body.

  “Wait a minute!”

  “What?” Light Muller stopped appearing very unhappy.

  “I…” Her eyes were twinkling, “I haven’t had a bath…” My God! Even this does not happen during a TV drama.

  “What are you shivering?” Light Muller raised his eyebrows, “I’ll accompany you to wash….”

  “No need!”

  “Then let’s grasp on the time.”

  The two buttons on her chest were unbuttoned.

  “Wait a minute!”