My name is Durex

by Umair Sheikh

  “Yes, I’m willing.”

  Light Anna pulled herself together and summon up her courage, finally began revealing to her son the buried heart aches of her past decade…..

  Let us put aside the exchanges of the mother and son for the moment, first look at one of two mouses at the wall outside the study door.

  “Young Madame, can you hear anything?” Aunty Wu asked very seriously while poking Durex with her fingers.

  Durex turned her head and asked with a face of frustration. “Aunty Wu, why is the sound proof in this study so good?”

  Aunty Wu: “Well….. this is a mansion, of course there can not be bean curd residue engineering, right?”

  “But isn’t this quality also a little too good?” Durex complained, she have tried to eavesdrop for so long, her waist is almost broken and even a fart couldn’t be heard, she even suspected whether the President is actually in the room.

  “Young Madame, don’t get discouraged, where there is a will,there is a way, I believe you will certainly be able to eavesdrop!” Aunty Wu cheered for her on the side.

  “……”

  Seeing Durex’s dejected face, Aunty Wu suddenly had a brilLightt idea, “Young Madame, why don’t I go to get you a stethoscope?”

  Durex was embarrassed, Aunty Wu, do you think I’m 007?

  While the two were discussing about the most convenient way to eavesdrop, Lightg Lightg’s very loud voice sounded: “Grandma! What are you doing here?”

  Durex was startled by Lightg Lightg, since her body was leaning forward, it accurately hit the study room’s door.

  After the loud bang, Durex, Aunty Wu, Lightg Lightg, including the two people in the study, were all shocked.

  Chapter 46: D, let’s elope?

  In Durex’s 20 years of living, she never have enthusiastically came in contact with the door, it was so painful that she felt numb, her entire body felt like it was floating in the air, in her head there appeared to be stars in the spinning continuously.

  When she regain her sense, the study door have been opened, a pair of black high heels came into her vision.

  Durex felt that something was amiss, she hurriedly turn around to look for Aunty Wu, however behind her was empty without a person insight, Aunty Wu have taken Lightg Lightg and ran to the unknown.

  Aunty Wu, you are so heartless! TAT

  Durex can only scratch her dandruff to turn things around, she stared at Light Anna with a guilty smile, “Madame……”

  Light Anna paid her no attention, only coldly asked: “What are you doing here?”

  Durex thought of Aunty Wu’s advice and hastily said: “I happened to pass by.”

  “Is it?” Light Anna faintly said, her tone clearly said she did not trust what Durex said.

  Aunty Wu! You liar, such lies who would believe! Durex felt very distress, she didn’t know what to say next to coax the iceberg face, she can only put on a pair of puppy eyes and start her flattering skills.

  “Madame, you look so beautiful today!”

  Light Anna raised her eyebrows: “Was I not beautiful yesterday?”

  “No, that’s not it!” Durex hurriedly waved, “You were beautiful yesterday, but you’re also more beautiful today than yesterday!”

  “So you’re saying I wasn’t as beautiful yesterday?”

  “I don’t mean that!” Suffering from Light Anna’s questioning, Durex was terribly frightened, she quickly added, “You are beautiful today, yesterday, last year, ten years ago, the moment you were born you were beautiful, when you were a fertilized egg you were also thousand fold more beautiful than others! Your beauty will last for thousands of years, dominating the world!”

  After she finished speaking, Light Anna appeared slightly choked.

  Unexpectedly her mother-in-law didn’t refute her, it appears her flattery skills is comprehensive! Durex was particularly proud of herself and continued to boast: “Madame, not only do you look beautiful, your sense of fashion is very tasteful! Just looking at this dress, the cuts are appropriately done, the texture is top-notch, especially the collar band’s camellia embroidery, the color is elegant, while the size is moderate, even the petals are right on point……”

  “……this is a peony.”

  “Peony? Well….. it just shows that the dress is exquisitely embroidered, it even integrated Western abstract art, from afar it looks like a peony, while up close it looks like a camellia, from the left looks like a Phoenix, on a closure look it appears like a Kirin, the piece of clothing you brought actually have the charm of four pieces put together, really not simple ah, not simple at all……”

  The more Durex tried to flatter, the more outrageous it sound, Light Anna who was listening, her mouth constantly twitched, even Light Muller who was in the study couldn’t bear to listen further.

  “D, come over.” He finally spoke and gave a smile.

  “Wait a minute, I’m not finished yet!” Durex hastily waved her hands, “you see this pair of high-heeled shoes, the workmanship is superb, coriaceous softness, simple design, the height of the heels is on point……”

  Light Anna: -_-|||

  “Also Madame, the necklace on her neck at one glance you can tell its genuine diamond from South Africa! The perfect cutting, plus the collocation of gold and silver….. Alas! You don’t pull me ah!”

  Being carried like a chicken, the President carried Durex inside, however it still didn’t reduced her enthusiasm to continue flattering: “Why are you pulling me away ah? I haven’t finished flattering yet, I haven’t flattered her hair, your hair is really black, translucent and smooth without any split ends……oh……”

  She haven’t finished her sentence when a kissed came. President, can’t you be a little more creative and use a different method to block other people’s mouth?

  Although Light Muller’a method is indeed not creative, however it’s very effective, Durex’s talkative mouth immediately shut up and lowered her head with a bashful face.

  “Don’t do this, your mother is watching.” She gave a furtive glance, as if there’s someone at the door even though the doors are closed.

  It’s finished! Her mother-in-law must have left filled with anger!

  Durex felt like she was strike by lightning, she felt very depressed.

  “What’s wrong?” Light Muller contentedly licked his lips and asked.

  Durex appeared very sad as she looked up: “It’s all your fault, you have angered your mother!”

  Light Muller maintain his composure while asking: “Are you sure it was I who angered her?”

  It’s wasn’t you, then was it me? Durex snappily gave him a look.

  He wasn’t angry, he appeared to be talking to himself: “If I was my mother, seeing a secretive rat at the doorway not knowing what they were doing, I also wouldn’t be pleased……”

  “I wasn’t eavesdropping!” Durex blurted out.

  “I know you weren’t eavesdropping, you unintentionally heard it, right?”

  President, why can’t you be more tactful? Durex had to confess: “Okay…… I admit that I had the intentions to hear a little……”

  “What did you hear?”

  “The sound proof is too good, how could I hear anything ah……” Durex muttered and then suddenly cried out “oh!”

  Because the President’s hand bumped onto her forehead.

  “Alas, painfully!” Durex cried out.

  “Now you know pain, your reflex arc is really slow……” He shook his head helplessly, his heart ached dearly for her.

  However Durex didn’t pay attention to his meaningful glance, she only gave Light Muller a plaintive expression, painfully clutching her own forehead, while her mind silently scold a sentence: President! You are so poisonous!

  After she finished scolding him, Light Muller suddenly reached out and gently removed her hands from her forehead.

  “What… what are you doing?” Durex was surprised by his s
udden movements, she discovered the look in his eyes was amiss, she wanted to say something, however it was already too late.

  Light Muller came to kiss on her forehead and kissed it.

  At that moment, time suddenly stood still, his dark soft beaming eyes, appearing as if he could swallow her whole.

  Not long after, he whispered: “Does it still hurt?”

  Durex shook her head, sigh with emotions: “Fortunately it wasn’t my butt that hit the door……”

  Several days after the eavesdropping incident, Durex has been preoccupied by some troubles, because she found out that her mother-in-law seems to be very dissatisfied with her.

  Using analogy, she used her flattery skills to flatter Light Anna from the tip of her hair to the tips of her toes, she even flattered the poor little capillaries, yet Light Anna unexpectedly was indifferent towards it!

  Wasn’t there a saying that woman like to listen to praises? Why is that using praises on the President mother’s body didn’t work?? Durex was troubled by this issue, thus made a conclusion—— Her mother-in-law must have some misunderstanding over the eavesdropping incident which explains why she’s so cold towards her.

  So Durex decided to find a way to make Light Anna love her.

  Durex hurriedly went on the internet, and under the guidance of BaiDGod, she learnt that the recipe tricks of a harmonious relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

  Trick one: Inquire after one’s well-being!

  Using this trick method: You must let your mother-in-law know you cared about her. If she’s tired, you massage her shoulders. If she’s thirsty, you pour her a cup of water. If she’s hungry, you cook her dinner….. Remember! The more you’re concerned, the closer your relationship would be!

  How effective was this method?

  Please look at VCR replay>>>

  In the morning when Light Anna came out of her room, she was startled upon opening the door.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Durex fawn a smile: “Mother, are you tired? How about I give you a back massage?”

  “……”

  Massaging plan failed!

  After breakfast, Light Anna was sitting on the sofa reading a newspaper, Durex walked over holding a cup of water.

  “Mother, drink some water.”

  Light Anna took a sip and placed it besides her.

  Ten minutes later, Durex spoke again: “Mother, drink some more water.”

  “En.”

  Another ten minutes.

  “Mother! Are you thirsty?”

  “……”

  Water plan failed!

  During lunch time, Light Anna sat at the dinning table, Durex hurriedly snatched the bowl from Aunty Wu’s hands: “Mother, I’ll scoop you some rice!”

  Light Anna nodded.

  Ten minutes later.

  Light Anna: “What is this?”

  Durex: “Rice!”

  “I asked what’s that you used to hold the rice?”

  “Pot……”

  Scooping rice plan failed!

  Trick one: Completely failure!

  Trick two: Cater to the need of others.

  Looks like she has to use the secret trick instead: Regardless of what your mother-in-law likes, one must never oppose her!

  The result of this method? Please continue to watching the VCR replay>>>

  After lunch, Light Anna turned on the TV to watch the dance competition, Light Anna was very found of the program.

  Suddenly, the sound of applause came from behind: “Good!”

  Light Anna was surprised, her heart beat several times faster.

  “What are you saying?”

  Durex wagged her doggy tail over and praised: “The Tango dance was superbly ah, it made a person appear so beauty ah, the music is also very bold ah.”

  “…… that’s a Paso doble dance.”

  Durex: “……”

  Trick two: Failed!

  In the end, Durex’s wasn’t successful in flattering, Light Anna already couldn’t bear it.

  “Tomorrow, I’ll go to your aunt’s house for two days.”

  Light Muller asked: “Why? Are you not used to living at home?”

  “Nothing really,” Light Anna replied shaking her head. “I just think what you said was right. Your wife cannot be derailed.”

  Light Muller: “What makes you think so?”

  Light Anna: “……climbing to the top of the wall, yet nobody dare to take her.”

  “You are wrong, with that IQ of hers she will not reach to the top of the wall.”

  ……

  “You should continue to living at home.”

  “Why?”

  The corners of her lips evoke a hint of a slightly cunning smile: “We’ll go outside to live.”

  That evening, when Light Muller enter the room, Durex have already taken a bath, she was sitting on the bed in a daze.

  “What’s wrong?” Light Muller asked.

  Durex gave him a plaintive glance, what else could it be? Of course it’s because your mom!

  Regarding the situation, Durex just made a phone call to Linda.

  Durex said, “Linda, my mother-in-law doesn’t seem to like me very much.”

  Linda: “There’s bound to always be conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, what are you anxious about?”

  Durex: “No, whenever I speak to her she always seemed indifferent.”

  Linda: “Indifferent is indifferent, it’s better than she forcing a divorce, right?”

  Divorce? Durex’s head was hit with a bomb: “Are… are you saying my mother-in-law will force us to divorce?”

  “Did you hear what I said ah? Who said she will force you to divorce? Do you think you’re acting in a TV dramas, the mother-in-law threat to the son if he doesn’t get a divorce, she’ll disown him? Please, it’s the 21st century…..BLABLABLA” The next set of words went in one ear and out the other, Durex didn’t listen to a word Linda said, in her mind there was only the divorce word lingering!

  She’s finished, the situation can’t really be that serious, right?

  Durex weakly asked: “Could it be your mother doesn’t like me very much?”

  Light Muller silently looked at her, did not answer.

  Seeing the President like this, it appears he is silently agreeing. Durex’s moos was depressed: “Then would she force us to get a…… divorce?”

  Light Muller continued to remain silent.

  “She wouldn’t say such words as…… if we don’t agree to the divorce she will not acknowledge you as her son, right?” Closing in the distance from her and the President, this time Durex didn’t blush nor did her heart beat fast, she felt that if she could no longer see his face, her nose could feel sour and had the unexpected impulse to shed some tears.

  “In fact, there is a way.” Light Muller suddenly spoke.

  What? There’s hope? Durex’s eyes shone brightly, she eagerly stared at the President.

  “It is……” He purposely paused for a moment and stared at Durex before slowly speaking each word, “D, let’s elope?”

  Chapter 47: Madame, you are a married woman now.

  Since ancient times such words as “Elopement” couldn’t come to light, however it was used confidently by the President.

  So Durex also took the word “Elopement” that said Light Muller as a joke, however she didn’t expect the next day he would urgently take her to get a passport. After signing the passport paperwork, they hurriedly pack their luggage, they were extremely busy.

  This made Durex wonder whether the President is actually going to elope with her and run away? It was entirely like a honeymoon!

  Honeymoon?

  These words flashed in Durex’s mind, this idea shocked her. The President wouldn’t use elopement as an excuse to take her on a honeymoon, right? Thinking to this point, her heart couldn’t help but develop some ner
vousness and excitement.

  You cab’t blame Durex to have such a reaction, ever since she married the President, the steps they have taken haven’t been many, although they did the steps in reverse order accordance with marriage, dating, confession, but at least they didn’t miss any, right? However regarding the honeymoon thing. She really haven’t thought about it before.

  Which girl didn’t like to daydream? When Durex finished school and started working, she would also fantasized about the day she would get married, and go on sightseeing tour with her husband. Her request is not high, being able to go to Guilin‘s Pan River, or go see Xilin Gol‘s grassland is sufficient enough. Who would have thought a few years later a day like this would come, her daydream turned into reality, and they were going to a much bigger slice of the continent —— they’re going to Italy!

  Once thinking about it, Durex couldn’t help but sigh: The President’s decision is indeed not a simple ah, she haven’t even taken a stroll around the country, yet she directly followed the President out of the country to explore the world! This feeling is simply too cool!

  Before departure, Durex made a phone call to report to her mother.

  “Mom, tomorrow I’m going to Italy with the President!”

  “What President, he is your husband!” Dmama couldn’t help but feel sorrow for her daughter who lack sex appeal.

  “Oh, tomorrow I’m going to Italy with my husband.” Why does it sound so strange?

  “What are you going to do in Italy?”

  “Elopement,”

  “What?”

  “No, I said we’re going on a holiday……” It’s all the President’s fault, he can even say such an old word such elopement using her to be infected as well.

  ╮(╯▽╰)╭

  “Going on a holiday is good ah! Ever since your wedding, you still haven’t been on your honeymoon? Take advantage of this opportunity to enhance your feelings for each other, that way I can have my grandson as soon as possible, go with the wind…… Blah blah……”

  “Mom!” Durex’s head had three black lines, she fears that if her mother continue to say the plan how to make grandson and buy the soy sauce, “Since I’m going to Italy, do you have anything you would like to me to buy?”