The Chalupa Conundrum

by Lyle Christie

  “I’m going to do a little exploring and might be gone for a minute,” I called out.

  Estelle, Alessandra, and Bachué all watched nervously, and, when I waved, all three waved back. It was actually kind of a high point in my life, and so I really hoped this wouldn’t be the last stupid thing I did on this earth. I took several deep breaths in rapid succession in order to hyperventilate myself in the event that I had to hold my breath longer than expected in order to reach an air pocket or another chamber. I was therefore feeling a little lightheaded as I dropped down into the cool water and swam with the current. The light was soon gone, and everything from here on out would have to be done by feel. About forty feet in I approached the surface hands first in order to keep from bumping my head, and I discovered I had enough room to take a breath. I stayed on my back and used my hands to pull myself along the rock ceiling and eventually reached a pitch black open chamber. I did a quick sound check by saying the word boobies aloud and realized by the echo it was a fairly large space. I swam around the border of the entire room then took a moment to float in the center to quietly listen, and I could hear the air whistling over my head. Shit—the air was traveling up and out through a different opening while the water was moving downward. Both would eventually make their way outside, but it was a shitty escape route and a highly dangerous place to drag my other eighteen fellow prisoners. It was therefore time to swim back and see if the passageway that brought air and water into the main chamber might offer a better escape route.

  Swimming back was going to be a bit harder, because I was going against the current, and it would take twice as much time and effort. But, luckily for me, I could swim like a fucking fish, and, as a matter of fact, one of my initial hurdles to becoming a PJ was having to swim underwater for the entire length of an Olympic sized pool. So, how hard could it be to swim forty feet upstream—in the dark—all by myself? I hyperventilated then dropped down and swam against the current, but it was hard to know my progress due to the lack of light. Just over thirty-seconds passed, and my lungs were starting to burn. It wasn’t an inordinately long time, but, combined with the heavy exertion of swimming, it quickly depleted the oxygen reserves in my blood, and, without oxygen, muscles didn’t work as well. At last, I rolled over and surfaced and was again careful to go hands first. I breached the surface with only an inch or two between my face and the rock ceiling, and I felt mildly claustrophobic as I breathed in fresh oxygen.

  Seconds passed, and, as my breathing returned to normal, I could hear voices echoing from just ahead. I listened closely, as I was worried something bad might be happening back in the main chamber, but, after a second, I realized it was my name they were calling out, and I had to smile. One moment I was the object of scorn and judgement, the next, their worry. At least it meant they missed me. I continued along on the surface and used my arms to pull my body along and nearly took my nose out on a number of low spots. Finally seeing light up ahead, I rolled over, swam down, and did the last few feet underwater before surfacing before the waiting crowd. All three of my girls smiled joyously, and I wished they would always be this happy to see me.

  “Oh my God, Tag! You had us worried!” Bachué said.

  “Yeah!” Estelle and Alessandra blurted out at the exact same time, which inspired both of them to look at each other, as I suspect they were a little embarrassed at their shared enthusiasm over my safe return.

  “What did you find?” Thomas asked, stepping down to offer me a hand as I climbed out of the water.

  “Well, it definitely reaches the surface somewhere along the line, but going out that way would be too dangerous, so let’s hope the inflow offers a better escape route.”

  Everyone walked to the other side of our little island, and in I went, only this time I had to swim the entire wall before finding the inlet in the corner near the main door.

  “OK, this trip should be the same as before, but at least if something awful happens and I pass out or die, I’ll float back down into this chamber. If I can’t be resuscitated, keep the ceremony simple, maybe a few stories and funny anecdotes then place my body on a Viking funeral pyre.”

  “That’s so not funny,” Estelle said.

  “It’s a little funny.”

  “No, it’s not even a little funny,” Alessandra interjected.

  “Yeah, it’s not even the least bit funny,” Bachué added.

  I took several deep breaths, then submerged and swam through the opening, all the while kicking hard as I worked my way against the current. Forty-five seconds later, I approached the surface and found myself in a large pitch black chamber similar to the one on the outflowing side. I swam along the outer wall and felt my way with my hands until passing over a shallow area before finding the passageway to the next chamber. This time, however, the ceiling was higher, and it allowed more clearance, which, in turn, meant I could swim with my head above water. Things were already looking better, and I continued on and soon found myself in a cavern where I did a little sonic exploring.

  “Boobies!” I called out, with the echo revealing the cavern was especially large.

  I swam to the left wall then made my way along until the water was shallow enough that I could walk. There, I felt my way along and was eventually able to leave the water and step up onto a raised path. Hot damn! I had found terra firma. I walked along in the dark but kept my left hand on the wall and my right in front of me to search for unseen obstacles. Soon, the sound of falling water came echoing from ahead, and each step was bringing me closer to the source. My right hand reached solid rock, and I stopped and could hear water cascading down an unseen wall just to my right, and, judging by the sound, I’d say it was about fifteen feet to the top. Wonderful. There was nothing quite as fun as climbing a wet slippery waterfall in complete darkness. I reached around, found a handhold, then lifted my body up and used my foot to feel for a small ridge, Finding one, I stepped up and repeated the process until finally hitting a section of wall that was just too smooth. Shit. That meant I needed to trek sideways out onto the waterfall. I reached out and slowly made my way to the right, and the falling water made the journey even more slippery, and in turn, hazardous. At least if I fell here, I’d end up in the water, which might be deep enough to break my fall rather than one of my major body parts. I found a decent area filled with crags, and I headed up but suddenly slipped and had to catch myself by one arm, which left me dangling precariously with nothing but my sense of touch to find new foot and hand holds. I managed to get all my appendages into or onto crevices then took a moment to catch my breath before starting anew. Three minutes later, I was on top of the waterfall and feeling pretty damn good about myself.

  This section, like the one below, had a walkway, which I used for another couple of minutes until reaching an area that had some ambient light spilling in from an opening up on the ceiling. Hallelujah! Hope at last. I had a quick look around and saw that there was a passageway heading off into the darkness, but, even better was that there was light spilling in from down below in the river, so it obviously headed out into the world. I had another look at the ceiling opening, and, while I was pretty sure I might be able to climb out that way, it would be a lot of work, and I was doubtful that all of the people back in the main chamber would be able to follow. That left going out through the water, and so I dove in, swam down and through an opening, then crossed under a rock arch before heading up and surfacing outside in a deep section of river where the current seemed to slow and swirl.

  “Fuck yeah,” I said, aloud, as I gazed up at the late afternoon sky.

  I swam to the edge and took a moment to appreciate the view and realized the outside world never looked more beautiful than it did right now. I picked three wild flowers growing on the edge of the river, tucked them into a pocket, then dove back down and reentered the cave, where I waited a minute while my eyes adjusted to the extremely low light. Somewhat acclimated, I made my way along the path then back to the waterfall, where I meticulously
climbed about halfway down then, in the interest of saving time, performed a rather risky maneuver. I jumped and fell through the darkness and instantly regretted my hasty decision, but I was soon rewarded with the feel of my feet hitting the surface of the water. My body followed, and I dropped into the all encompassing safety net that was the deep pool beneath the falls. Thank God for hydrodynamics and the powerful burrowing effect of running water that generally made the river deepest directly beneath the falls.

  I climbed up onto the side and made my way along until the chamber thinned, and I had to reenter the water. I swam into the next chamber, and it was all down stream from here on out. I took a deep breath and dropped into the cool water and swam gently and let the current take me along through the darkness. Ten seconds passed, and I surfaced in the main chamber to see everyone looking extremely relieved, and this time Estelle didn’t even bother to watch Alessandra’s reaction.

  “Finn! What the hell took you so long? You had us all worried as hell!” Estelle said.

  “Spelunking is not the kind of sport you can rush.”

  “Well, next time, do us all a favor and hurry the fuck up. The tension was killing us in here.”

  “Any luck? Or was it just another dead end?” Thomas asked.

  I swam to the edge then stepped out of the water and pulled out the three flowers I had picked.

  “Where do you think I found these?” I said, as I handed a flower to Estelle, Alessandra, and Bachué.

  “You certainly know how to make an entrance,” Alessandra said.

  “He certainly does,” Estelle added, raising an eyebrow as she scrutinized me.

  “Alrighty then, people. The first part is hard, but the rest is fairly easy. Now, can everyone swim?” I asked.

  About half were enthusiastic, while the remaining fifty percent were either borderline or straight up apprehensive. That wasn’t good news, as a rescue wasn’t a rescue if someone didn’t survive, and that meant I needed to come up with a way to make the first part of the journey easier.

  “OK, let me rephrase that. Are any of you really bad swimmers?”

  Oddly, Thomas raised his hand.

  “You can’t swim?” I asked.

  “I can, but I’m mostly a dog paddler. I didn’t grow up near water, so I didn’t learn to swim until high school.”

  “Do you have any rope here?”

  “No,” Thomas said.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, we did an inventory after we arrived in order to consider all of our escape options, and there definitely wasn’t any rope.”

  “Then we’re going to have to improvise,” I said.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  Flight of the Mole People

  WE OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T have a rope, but we would need one, and that required improvising. Our only materials were the clothes on our backs, and so that became the foundation of our rope. The time for modesty was over.

  “We’re going to have strip and use our clothes to fashion a rope.”

  “I assume you’re joking,” Estelle said.

  “Yeah, honestly, this sounds like a ploy,” Alessandra added.

  “It’s our only means of escape, and, if I’m willing to throw my own shirt into the mix then I can’t see why you won’t.”

  “We have breasts, you idiot,” Estelle said.

  “Yeah, and if you ever want them to see the light of day, you’ll strip down and give me your shirt.”

  Everyone looked at each other for confirmation, and oddly it was Thomas who became my unlikely cheerleader. He removed his shirt and handed it over.

  “I’m in,” he said.

  “Of course you are, you pig. You just want see some boobies like the other pig,” Estelle said.

  “It’s for the greater good. Come on, everyone. We don’t have a lot of time before our evening food delivery,” he said.

  Everyone came forward and delivered a piece of clothing, and soon the men were standing around bare chested while the women were down to their bras—well, everyone except the earthy woman who had tended to Bachué. She, unlike her peers, was straight up bare breasted and not looking the least bit uncomfortable.

  “I admire your spirit,“ I said.

  “Thank you, Tag, but I figure why not, as it’s for the greater good, and who would want to hide these away under clothes, anyway?”

  “Certainly not me,” I responded.

  “I’m Linda, by the way.”

  “Nice to meet you, Linda.”

  “You too, Tag.”

  I generally remembered faces better than names, but now that I had also seen Linda’s lovely breasts, I had a feeling I wouldn’t forget any of her details. At that point, I took the various clothing items and started creating our rope and quickly discovered we’d need even more clothes.

  “Sorry, folks, but we’re going to need another round of clothing items.”

  Alessandra and Estelle both glared at me, thinking it was yet another ploy.

  “I’m not kidding. Look, I’ll even throw in my own pants,” I said, slipping them off and tossing them down on the floor.

  “Come on. You heard the man,” Thomas said, following my lead and throwing his shorts onto the pile.

  The others followed suit, and soon we had a decent pile of clothing items and a room full of scantily dressed scientists. I was happy to see that both Alessandra and Estelle had similar taste in undergarments, as both were now only clad in thong underwear and a bra. Lovely! Sometimes, life threw you a bone when you least expected it—and now I was uncomfortably close to having an actual boner from that bone. We took the new items and wove them into our rope and were literally only about ten feet short of the estimated length I hoped to achieve.

  “We’re about ten feet short, but maybe we can make it work,” I said.

  Everyone looked at each other, as they weren’t quite sure how to proceed.

  “Fuck it,” Estelle said, unsnapping her bra and throwing it on the pile.

  “I suppose it’s for the greater good,” Alessandra said.

  “That’s the spirit, girls,” Linda said.

  The others threw in their remaining bras, and I was seriously contemplating how I was going to hide my boner. I glanced at Estelle and took a long look at her pert and particularly full bosoms and felt a brief pang of heartache as I thought about all the time I had spent wandering in those hills. She caught me looking and proceeded to cross her arms over her chest. Typical. My gaze then moved on to Alessandra, and the tingling in my pants continued to increase, as she, unlike Estelle, didn’t catch me looking, and my view remained unimpeded—that is, until Estelle boldly stepped in to create a visual block.

  “Excuse me. Shouldn’t we be adding on to your precious rope?” she asked.

  “The what?”

  “The rope, asshole. That is—if you’re not too busy enjoying the view.”

  “I was just making some last minute calculations for safety sake.”

  “Yeah,” I can tell she said, as she briefly felt my package and frowned.

  I wove the final pieces of fabric into the mix, and now we were almost at the perfect length, minus about three feet. I suppose we were just going to have to wing it—or so I thought until Bachué stepped forward, took off her robe, and proudly handed it to me.

  “This should make up any difference,” she said.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course, this is the body I was born with, so I have nothing to be ashamed of,” she said, boldly.

  “Indeed, you don’t,” I said, trying my best not to stare.

  I’d had a brief glance earlier, but now that I was seeing her standing there with her hands on her hips in the bold pose of a super heroine, I was truly in awe. She was a beautiful girl and would destroy many men’s hearts in her lifetime, with mine possibly being the first. Of course, she was a tad bit young for me, but I could certainly daydream about a different universe, one in which we might have met under different circumstances. I felt the rob
e and realized it was silk, which meant the fabric was particularly strong and would indeed complete our rope. I wove it into the end, and now we were ready to go.

  “Let’s do this, my half-naked friends! To freedom we swim!” I said, walking over to the water.

  “Oh, I have a waterproof LED penlight if you need it,” a guy whose name I didn’t know mumbled from off to the side.

  “A what?”

  “A waterproof LED penlight.”

  I looked over, and, standing amongst the crowd, was a twentysomething year old guy with scruffy facial hair and a Prince Valiant style haircut. I didn’t remember his name, but I was more than a little surprised to see that he was wearing Scooby Doo boxer shorts, and they had pictures of the entire Mystery Inc. gang. How the hell did I miss this guy?

  “Sorry, I forgot your name,” I said.

  “It’s Wayne.”

  “Well, Wayne, I could totally use it. In fact, I could have really used it when I was scaling a fucking waterfall in complete darkness.”

  “Oh, sorry. I kind of forgot about it until I took off my cargo shorts and found it in the pocket.”

  “Well, is there anything else you happened to find that you forget to mention? Like an air tank or a diving mask, perhaps?”

  “Afraid not,” he said, handing me the penlight.

  I slipped it into the waistband of my boxer briefs and looked around the room.

  “I guess we’re ready to go,” I said, wrapping the improvised rope over my shoulder and across my chest.

  Everyone followed me over to the water’s edge, and I gave some final words before embarking on the first stage of what I had nicknamed Operation Mole People.

  “I’m going to need the strongest swimmer to come with me to the next chamber, then we’ll unfurl the rope and hold it while everyone else uses it to pull themselves through. Any questions?”

  No one responded, so it was time to pick a swim buddy.

  “OK—who’s my swimmer?”