The Chalupa Conundrum

by Lyle Christie

  Everyone quietly waited for a volunteer until Estelle stepped forward. I knew she was good swimmer and certified open water diving instructor, so it made sense that she should be part of the advance team. She kissed Thomas, probably just to annoy me, then we waded into the water and swam over to the edge of the opening. After taking a series of breaths to hyperventilate, we dove down and began swimming upstream into the darkness. Thirty-seconds in, I reached over and felt Estelle at my side, swimming like a fish, and keeping perfect pace with me. Fifteen more seconds passed, and we were surfacing in the next chamber.

  “Holy shit is it dark and spooky! I can’t believe you did this alone,” she said.

  “Yeah, and that was the easy part.”

  We swam to the edge, found an area that was just shallow enough to stand, then unfurled the rope and let the current carry it back to the main room. We waited in the darkness, and our bodies inadvertently touched as we braced ourselves to hold the rope. Estelle adjusted slightly, and I felt her nipple graze my chest, and it set off fireworks in my balls.

  “It’s cold in here—isn’t it,” I said.

  “Fuck off, man-whore.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I said fuck off. I know when you’re trying to be cute, and I’m not getting sucked in by your charms—least of all after you’ve bedded every woman you’ve met in Costa Rica.”

  “Wow—for someone who’s apparently moving happily on with her life, you sure sound bitter—and, for the record, I have not bedded every woman in Costa Rica”

  “OK, let’s settle on half.”

  “Half? Come on! Even I couldn’t do that in a week.”

  “I saw the way Alessandra worried about you, so whatever happened between you two wasn’t just because of some drug.”

  “Objection! That’s speculation,” I countered.

  “Yeah, well, be happy I’m not even starting into the whole Bachué thing.”

  “Face it, Estelle, Alessandra has a boyfriend, and, as I already said, absolutely nothing happened with Bachué.”

  “Yeah, but you still fucked one of them, and would have likely done so whether or not you were under the influence of the drug—and, as for Bachué, you probably would have fucked her too given the opportunity.”

  “Seriously now, the Bachué thing is a non-entity, and the effects of the drug were real.”

  “Well, if you remember correctly, you explained that Sexstasy reduces inhibition while enhancing your feelings, and that means the spark of attraction was already there, and Sexstasy just fanned the flames.”

  “So, you seriously think Hot Sauce has the legitimate hots for me?”

  “Obviously, and, as you’re a man-whore, you most certainly have the hots for her.”

  “I’ll admit that she’s attractive, but I wouldn’t say I have the hots for her.”

  “You’re so full of shit.”

  We stood there quietly in the darkness, with Estelle stewing and me feeling unfairly persecuted.

  “Honestly, I don’t understand where all this anger is coming from when you’re the one who left me. Someone that angry obviously still has serious feelings,” I said.

  “Of course, I still have feelings.”

  “Then why are you marrying another guy?”

  “Because I love him, and he’s good for me.”

  “Good, then I hope you two are happy together.”

  I could feel the heat of Estelle’s body as she stood beside me, and the mere smell of her hair was enough to make my heart ache ever so slightly and bring on the beginnings of an olfactory case of blue balls. She adjusted ever so slightly, and her breasts pressed against me and made my heart race with libidinous thoughts. Meanwhile, someone took hold of the rope on the other end, and we had to adjust, but our new position placed us face to face, and blood started to fill my gentleman region. Still, I did my best to remain strong in the face of adversity, and, oddly, I was almost sure I could feel Estelle deliberately pressing her hips against me, but it was most likely my imagination.

  “Finn?”

  “What?”

  “What are you thinking right now?”

  “I’d rather not say.”

  “Tell me.”

  “No, it’s not a good idea.”

  “Let me be the judge.”

  I felt my heart starting to beat ever faster as I contemplated my next words.

  “Fine, I was thinking about kissing you.”

  “Why don’t you stop thinking about it and do it?”

  “Because you’re engaged.”

  “Fuck that—kiss me!”

  She pressed her hips more firmly against mine, and I could feel the heat of her womanly treasure rubbing against my ever hardening manhood.

  “Leave me alone. I don’t like fast women,” I said, quoting Indiana Jones’s line from the Last Crusade’s Venice love scene.

  “Since when?”

  “Since you broke my heart and gave me this raging fucking boner.”

  She reached down and felt my manhood pressing angrily against my pants.

  “Nice to know I still have this effect on you.”

  “Maybe, but it’s not so nice for m…”

  That was as far as I got before she leaned over and planted her lips on mine. I’m not even sure how she found them in the darkness, but apparently she had heat seeking lips. I was instantly flooded with emotion as my mind tried to catch up to my body, which was already fully engaged in the moment. A second passed, and I felt her tongue reaching for mine, and it was warm, familiar, and duly missed. I wanted to let go of the rope and take her in both of my arms, but we were responsible for the safety of the person making his or her way into this chamber. Instead, I reached out with my free hand and pulled her body into mine, which inadvertently pressed my manhood between her legs. I knew that with every second, the person on the other end of the rope was drawing closer, and that meant our time was running out, and we’d have to stop. Still, I continued to run my tongue over hers and feel the months of longing for her be rewarded by her physical presence. Suddenly, there was a grunt followed by a pained exhale.

  “Ahh—I made it!” the person said.

  Shit. It was Thomas, and I instantly felt like an asshole. The truth was that he was a nice guy and was probably good for Estelle, so I quickly took my arm off her back and reached out towards Thomas’s voice and eventually managed to grab his hand and pull him up onto the shallow section where we were standing.

  “How’s it going in here?” he asked.

  “Good!” Estelle and I said, at exactly the same time.

  “Why aren’t you using the light?” he asked.

  That was a good question, and now that I was sporting a massive boner, I needed to come up with a creative and compelling answer.

  “I’m saving the battery for the really hard part.”

  “Oh, good thinking.”

  I could sense him move closer to Estelle, and I imagined he was probably now holding her hand. Sweet fucking lord of spelunking idiots. This rescue mission was starting to feel like both a physical and emotional roller coaster, and I realized that the sooner we got out of these close quarters the better off everyone would be. Apparently, Professor Alessandra Freud had indeed diagnosed me correctly when she suspected that I was still pining for Estelle. How annoying.

  Thomas joined us in holding the rope, and the next to come through was Alessandra, followed by Bachué and then the others. Once we had a proper head count, we made our way to the opening to the next chamber, and everyone swam along quietly, with our breathing the only noise aside from the occasional nervous comment. Water was spooky in the dark, and swimming through an underground cave made it that much spookier, so it really became quite a test of will to just keep moving and not panic.

  “You’ll all be happy to know that we’re about to reach a path, and then we’ll get a little break from the water,” I said, hoping to put the group more at ease.

  There were several sighs of relief as we hit t
he shallows and climbed up onto the path. At that point, we formed a human chain by having everyone hold hands, and, oddly, Estelle ended up between Thomas and me, which seemed like an adequate physical representation of our current emotional state. The sound of the waterfall grew ever louder, and soon we were literally facing the hardest part of our journey, and it was time to turn on the light. I pulled out the penlight, clicked it on, and shined it up onto the waterfall, and everyone gasped.

  “How in the hell did you climb that in the dark?” Wayne asked.

  “Not sure, but as you can now see, your penlight would have been a real big help.”

  “So, how the hell are we all going to get past this spot?” Thomas asked, pointing up at the wall.

  “The same way we got past the last obstacle. Teamwork and the rope, but this time, I need a good climber to follow me to the top. Together, we can make a decent anchor and help bring the rest of you up.”

  “I’ll do it,” Alessandra said.

  “Do you climb?”

  “Every week. In fact, I belong to a climbing gym, so I can stay in practice when I don’t have time to get out on some actual rock.”

  “I figured there had to be some logical explanation for your ridiculously toned physique and powerful thighs and buttocks.”

  I handed the penlight back to Wayne and told him to keep it shined up onto the waterfall so that we could see where we were stepping. Next, I hoisted the coil of makeshift rope over my shoulder and, unfortunately, realized it was going to make the climb a lot harder due to the extra weight. It hadn’t been very heavy when it was dry, but now that it was wet, it was like carrying a firehose. Wonderful. I started making my way up, but, due to the fact that the extra forty pounds of wet rope was making every step that much harder, I had to take it slow and always maintain the requisite three points of contact. When I reached the smooth section, I traversed sideways out over the water and made the final ascent to the top of the falls then turned and tossed the end of the rope down to Alessandra.

  She bypassed the safety line and headed straight up the wall and moved with the practiced efficiency of a mountain goat. She had excellent technique and conserved her energy by making efficient use of her entire body and especially her legs. She was indeed an excellent climber and put on one hell of a show, though her excellent technique was but a small perk compared to the fact that she was practically naked, and every movement was showing off her excellent muscle tone. It’s funny, I’ve never been a fan of strip clubs and always hated the idea of slipping five dollar bills into a woman’s g-string while she danced, but I definitely never had a problem watching a woman exercise. Thus, my view from atop the waterfall was pretty damn good, but I could only imagine the show from below was even better, as her round, muscular buttocks would surely be a thing to behold. In a little over a minute she was beside me, and I was feeling the onset of a very solid semi after watching her unintended erotic performance.

  “That was fun,” she said.

  “Yeah, and you weren’t kidding when you said you could climb.”

  “No, I wasn’t, and apparently you enjoyed watching—a lot,” she said, as she gazed down and saw that I was sporting a very obvious semi.

  Annoyingly, we had just enough ambient light for her to see my lack of penile control.

  “Sometimes, it’s embarrassing being a man.”

  “Well, it’s not the worst compliment I’ve ever been given.”

  “At least non-verbally, I imagine.”

  We shared a little laugh then looked for good places to sit down and anchor our bodies. There was a little indentation a short distance from the top, and we settled into it in order to properly share the load while the others made their way up the waterfall. As had been the case with Estelle during the tunnel swim, Hot Sauce and I were physically entwined, and I wasn’t sure if it was just me, but there seemed to be some sexual tension—least of all because she was cradled within my arms as we held the makeshift rope, and my semi-hard penis was resting against her backside.

  “Just so you know—I’m sorry about the boner,” I said.

  “I’m not.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Well, I’m not sure if it’s residual Sexstasy or the fact that the last twenty-four hours have been a little insane, but I’m feeling oddly attracted to you right now.”

  “Interesting.”

  We had a few moments of awkward silence until Hot Sauce broke the tension and spoke.

  “So—um—how is it seeing Estelle?” she asked, perhaps hoping to change subjects and deescalate the growing sexual tension.

  “Nice segue,” I said.

  “Thanks, now answer the question.”

  “Well, it’s fine—I guess—for two people who are no longer together but are trapped together in an underground cave system.”

  “Well, regardless of all that, I can see the attraction between you two by the way you look at each other, and I also saw how worried she got every time you went into the water on one of your recon missions.”

  “Funny—she said the same thing about you.”

  “Well, of course I was worried. Your safety is my responsibility, and, regardless how much we tend to bicker, we definitely have developed a very real connection.”

  “True, and I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and by that I mean all of it—the talking, the adventure, the—um…”

  “Awesome sex?”

  “Yeah, the awesome sex.”

  “Shit—where does that all leave us right now?”

  “Sitting here holding a makeshift rope in an underground cave feeling mildly sexually frustrated.”

  We shared a little laugh, then heard someone approaching the top, and, a second later, Estelle popped her head up over the edge of the waterfall.

  “What are you guys laughing about?” she asked.

  “Oh—nothing really—we were just talking about the adventures we’ve had over the last couple of days,” I responded.

  Estelle came up along side us and managed to see my partial erection.

  “Must have been pretty exciting,” she said, as she gave me a look.

  “This is just from friction,” I responded.

  “Yeah, the friction of your eyes being unable to blink while you watched Alessandra climb the waterfall in her skivvies.”

  Estelle was correct, and, while bringing it out into the open was fairly awkward, I decided to just roll with the punches.

  “Guilty as charged, though there is a lot of supple flesh all round at the moment, and, as I’m a world class man-whore, I’m easily aroused.”

  “Isn’t that the truth,” she said.

  “Um—I would leave you two alone to talk right now, but I’m not sure where I’d go,” Alessandra said.

  “No, it’s OK, I suspect that I’m the intruder here,” Estelle said.

  “No, you’re not, believe me,” Alessandra responded.

  “Let’s face it—no one is an intruder, but the stress of being trapped underground is probably getting to us and making it all a little weird.”

  “Yeah, that’s probably it,” Estelle said, as she joined us and took up residence directly behind me.

  She wrapped her legs around my body, and, as she moved into position to become our third anchor, she reached her hands around my waist, but made a detour and took hold of Tag Junior and gave him a firm and purposeful squeeze.

  “I get the feeling you’ve had quite a week,” she said.

  Sweet mother of goats. How was it that I had managed to wander into the most unusual non-love triangle of all time. Both Estelle and Alessandra were otherwise involved, yet I still managed to become entangled with them in these ridiculous moments of pseudo sexual tension and somewhat unrequited boners. Clearly, confinement drove people to madness, but, luckily, our awkward threesome was soon a foursome, and, within ten minutes it included all the members of our party. We rolled up the rope and walked along the rock path that skirted the river and soon reached the end of the
cave, where the small opening in the ceiling above was sending down a sliver of daylight onto the rock floor. Everyone smiled as they craned their necks to look up at the first piece of real sky they had seen in a week.

  “So, are we climbing out?” Thomas asked.

  “No, nor are we taking that rather dark and ominous passage.”

  “So, what’s the deal, Finn?” Estelle asked.

  I pointed at the water, and everyone looked over and saw the light shining in through the opening down at the bottom.

  “All we have to do is to swim down through that opening and surface on the other side, and we’re all free,” I said.

  Everyone cheered, and we had a rather joyous moment as everyone started to dive in and swim down and through the opening.

  “Are you going to be able to make it through this last hurdle, Thomas?” I asked.

  “I think so.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll go with you just to be safe,” Estelle said.

  The two dove in and headed out, and, after everyone else had passed through, Alessandra and I were the last two people in the chamber.

  “Freedom awaits! Are you ready, Professor Hot Sauce?” I asked.

  “Yeah, but hold on just a second.”

  “What is it?”

  “Well, when we go back out there, we return to real world, and so this is very likely the last opportunity to do this,” she said, as she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me.

  I was more than a little surprised and could only imagine it was a good luck kind of thing—until her tongue arrived, and we shared what was, as far as I could tell, our second non-drug induced kiss—with the first being when we made our heroic swinging escape from the balcony in the pyramid. This kiss, like that one, was highly unexpected yet totally welcomed, and I happily entwined my tongue with hers until my confusion overrode my desire, and I broke free of her lips.

  “So, what exactly was that kiss all about?” I asked.

  “It was a prelude to something I want to do.”

  “Which is?” I asked a little nervously.

  “To make love to you.”

  “Now?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m sorry, but I’m a little confused.”

  “I understand, but all I can say is that in spite of all that has happened, I do have real feelings for you, and so I want to take this final moment to explore those feelings—and I want to do so without the influence of drugs or the people we are involved with in the outside world.”