The Me I Used to Be

by Jennifer Ryan

  “I’m fine.” She hugged him hard. “I’m better than fine when I’m with you.”

  “Then you should spend all your time with me.”

  Before she could say anything, a gust of hot wind and caustic smoke blew through the orchard, making her cough.

  Chris took her hand and led her back to where all the emergency personnel were gathered. Sirens sounded in the distance, closing in on the fire, which had already demolished two-thirds of the building and spread out behind it, glowing an eerie black and orange up the dry hills. The drought had turned the entire area, and most of the state, into a tinderbox of dried grass and brush. An endless expanse of fuel for the fire.

  She squeezed Chris’s hand. “That doesn’t look good.”

  “Let’s hope they can contain it before it turns into something worse.”

  She added her hopes and prayers to Chris’s sentiment.

  Chris settled her on the back of an ambulance, where an officer with terrible burns on his leg was swearing and being tended, and stood back without letting go of her hand while one of the paramedics checked her out.

  No surprise, her blood pressure and heart rate were elevated, but otherwise she’d only suffered some bumps and bruises, most of which didn’t really hurt now, but probably would later.

  She held an ice pack to her swollen face and stared up at Chris. “I can’t believe it’s over. He’s going to jail.”

  “If I have anything to say about it, he’ll stay there a long time. They tried to kill those cops waiting out back.”

  She had no doubt Chris would speak to the DA to ensure that Darren was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

  Chris stepped away to give his statement to the officer in charge. The number of emergency vehicles and the building burning to the ground forewarned of a long night and early morning for the first responders.

  Hours after arriving with Darren, giving her statement, and waiting for Chris while he and the others coordinated with the fire department for evacuations in the area, Chris walked her over to one of the sheriff’s vehicles, where a buddy of his waited to drive her home.

  He brushed his fingers over her face. “How are you doing?”

  “I don’t know. My mind is spinning. I’m so tired, but I know I won’t sleep. My body just feels numb.”

  “Believe me, it will wear off when you’re home and feel safe again.” He pulled her into a hug. Having his arms around her settled her heart and mind.

  She leaned back and stared up at him. “How are you? You shot Tom, that’s gotta be weighing on you.”

  “I’m more concerned about the investigation and that he and Darren get what’s coming to them. Tom’ll live. That’s a relief, but mostly because I want him to answer for what he’s done.” Chris lightly traced the back of his finger over her bruised cheek. He shook his head. “This could have gone any number of terrible ways. No matter what comes next, I’m so glad you’re okay.” He stared down at her. “I want to be with you, but I need to stay and help. Go home. Try to rest. I’ll be in touch as soon as I can.”

  She glanced over at the fire, which had already consumed the nearby hills, the glow of embers and hot spots spreading over the rise, beyond which the destruction continued.

  Amid the organized chaos of the first responders, the noise of helicopters dropping water on the hills, and the constant buzz of the officers’ radios, she found calm in Chris’s arms.

  “An officer took my phone for evidence. I’ll get a new one tomorrow. Call the house, or I’ll call you.” She kissed him again, needing the contact despite the sting to her lip, and tried to let him know how much she needed him.

  Chris cupped her face and kissed her softly several times. “I don’t want to let you go.”

  “If I could, I’d stay with you.” She meant it.

  Reluctantly he opened the car door and waited for her to get settled inside before glancing past her to his friend. “Make sure she gets home safe.”

  “You got it.”

  Chris put his hand on her knee, kissed her one last time, then closed the door and stepped back, watching her as the car rolled down the lane. She could only watch him in the passenger-side mirror until they turned a corner and she lost sight of him.

  A hollow feeling in her chest intensified the farther away she got from him. She wanted to believe that now that Darren had been taken down she and Chris would get a chance to explore their newfound connection, but she feared that without their shared pursuit of Darren they’d have little to keep them together. A cop and an ex-con. Him solidly rooted in work, successful, independent, confident, and knowing exactly what he wanted.

  She lived at home with her mother, barely had a job, and although she had plans, accomplishing them seemed just out of reach. She knew in an abstract way what she wanted for her future, but getting there seemed like a daunting task.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Evangeline barely slept, her mind replaying the events from last night. Tom smacking her in the face. Darren’s anger. The boom of a gunshot. Tom being shot. Blood blooming high on his chest. The gas-can bomb exploding in a fireball. That poor officer on fire, flailing his legs, trying to put out the flames, his screams echoing in her ears. Darren, his face contorted with rage, death blazing in his eyes as he tried to come after her. Those moments of terror replaying in her mind, making her heart thrash and sleep impossible when all she wanted to do was run.

  But she couldn’t escape the nightmares.

  All the fear that had been masked in the moment by adrenaline came back in a rush that woke her several times in the night in a cold sweat with a scream stuck in her throat.

  She gave up her quest for sleep predawn and went to the TV to check out the early morning news, but all it did was stop her heart and make her sad to see that the out-of-control fire had spread to nearly eleven thousand acres. Nearly four hundred homes had been evacuated overnight. Six others hadn’t been so lucky and burned to the ground.

  Those poor families lost everything.

  She knew what it was like to have everything taken from you. The heavy feeling it left in your chest. The uncertainty that spun questions with no answers in your mind. The fear that you’d never get your life back.

  The sheer amount of work, strength, and perseverance it would take to rebuild.

  She knew that feeling all too well.

  The phone rang just as she reached for the coffeepot and the second cup she desperately needed.

  “Hello.”

  “Are you okay?” Chris never failed to be concerned about her.

  “Is that always going to be the first thing you say to me?”

  “Only when you’re not with me.”

  And just like that a smile tilted her lips and the heaviness in her heart lightened. “I’m better now that I’ve heard your voice. Did you get some sleep?”

  “None.” The all-business tone came back, alerting her that he was still in the thick of things. “I’ve been helping all night with the evacuations. I’m over at Hilltop Ranch. The fire is closing in.” He coughed a couple times, and she imagined the smoke close enough to choke him. It amped her worry even more. “We’re running out of time. I need to relocate six horses and a whole bunch of milk cows. The owner is trailering them now but he doesn’t have a place to take them.”

  She didn’t hesitate, but jumped in to offer help. “Send them over. I’ll head down to the stables and get Charlie, Joey, and the crew here ready to help when they arrive. Tell whoever is in charge at fire and rescue that anyone with animals can contact us if they need a place to keep them until the fire is contained.”

  Chris sighed with relief. “Thanks. I knew I could count on you. We’re expecting high winds and low humidity today. At this point, we’re scrambling to get people out of harm’s way.”

  “Spread the word, we’re here to help the other ranchers in the area. As soon as I get my new phone, I’ll text you. When are you off?”

  “It’s all hands on deck. A
fter a shooting, I’d normally be put on leave, but right now we need all the help we can get.”

  “Be careful. Be safe. You’ve got to be exhausted. You need to sleep.” She wanted him out of harm’s way.

  “I’ll catch an hour or two when I get the next batch of evacuees to the high school, where they’ve set up to take in and feed those displaced. Talking to you, hearing your voice . . . Are you really doing okay after last night?” The concern in his voice touched her deeply.

  She blinked away tears and swallowed the need to ask him to come here because she needed to see him. “Stop worrying about me and take care of yourself.”

  “That’s like asking me to stop breathing. You’re all I think about. Now that Darren is locked up, I hope we can put the investigation behind us, spend time together without sneaking around, and take this thing between us and . . . I don’t know, turn it into what I think we both want.”

  Her heart melted at those sincere words and what felt like him laying his heart on the line. But it also seemed too good to be true. And she feared losing him before they ever really got this thing going. Why? She didn’t really know. But she’d had everything taken from her once, and had a hard time believing she was this lucky to have a man like him in her life.

  “You know where to find me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not allowed to, remember?” She teased, because until her record was cleared, she remained on parole.

  “Once this emergency is handled, I’ll work on that. With what you recorded and Darren admitting everything he did, it should be easy to overturn your conviction. You far exceeded my expectations and the requirements to take him down. I’m still chilled by the risks you took, but you did it, Evangeline. Even though you took ten years off my life last night, I’m proud of you and the way you handled Darren and Tom. I wish I could make this right immediately. Unfortunately, it’s going to take some time to complete the process.”

  She appreciated his praise and the promise that he’d get her what was owed, but the wildfire and lives at risk took precedence. “Focus on what you’re doing now, we’ll figure that out later.”

  “You put your life on the line to get your record expunged. It matters. It’s okay to take care of yourself after what happened last night, and to want what’s coming to you to be done now, not later.”

  “That sounds good, but right now I’ve got to get ready to stable six horses and possibly milk a bunch of cows when they get here.”

  He said something under his breath that sounded very much like “Stubborn.”

  As much as she’d like a day to do nothing, she had things to do and people depending on her. But Chris’s concern and thoughtfulness meant a lot to her. “Chris.”

  “Yeah.” All his weariness filled that one little word.

  “Thank you for saving me last night.”

  “I told you I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.” He sighed. “I tried, but you still got hurt. How’s the lip and your cheek?”

  She didn’t tell him that she’d burned the cut on her lip when she took her first sip of coffee this morning. Only half awake, she’d forgotten about it. Her lip stung and her cheek still throbbed, but not as badly as last night.

  “I barely noticed them this morning.”

  “Uh-huh. Right.” It didn’t take much of an imagination to picture his eye roll.

  “We got him. That’s all that matters.”

  “You got him. I was just backup.”

  She appreciated the credit and the faith he had in her. “I’d take you as my partner any day.”

  The line went quiet for a long five seconds. “Do you mean that?”

  This moment could change everything.

  Play it safe, or put her heart on the line?

  Keep things light, or live with meaning and purpose?

  Bold. Strong. Direct. That’s how she thought of Chris. And herself.

  So she told the truth and went with what was in her heart. “You’re the kind of man I always wanted in my life.” A man who told the hard truths, backed her up, and made her feel like she mattered.

  “I’ve been waiting for you.”

  She wished she’d seen that sooner. Maybe things would have been different. Or not. Time—that bitch—made her wait. But in that waiting, she’d discovered what really mattered to her and what she wanted in her life. And then Chris arrived when she needed him most. When she was ready for him in her life.

  “I just wish that for once there wasn’t something else taking the focus and us away from each other.”

  Chris sighed. “I know what you mean.” Some commotion in the background made her strain to hear what Chris said to someone else, but she couldn’t make out his words. He came back on the line and explained, “Looks like you’re getting two goats, eight chickens, and a pig with an amazing sixteen piglets.”

  “Sounds like I need to put up a temporary pen for her and the litter.”

  “Do it quick. They’re on their way now. I gotta go to the next ranch and make sure they get out in time.”

  “Be careful.”

  “Always am. I hope I see you sooner rather than later.” He coughed hard for several seconds, making her remember the thick smoke she’d seen on the news drifting in a dark cloud on the wind. The thought of him in the fire’s path stopped her heart.

  “Me, too. Please be careful.”

  “I will. I can’t wait to kiss you again, sweetheart.” He hung up, leaving her worried about him and the job he faced.

  She hoped he didn’t get hurt, or worse.

  If they really made a go of this thing between them, she’d have to face the reality of his dangerous job and that worrying about him would be a part of their life. Would she carry this pit of doom in her gut every day?

  She’d seen him in action last night. Calm. Controlled. He could have shot Darren when he came after her, but he’d used only necessary force, taking him down with the Taser instead.

  He worked hard. He knew his job. He’d been trained for situations like that and much worse. She’d have to trust in him and his ability.

  And have faith that he’d do everything possible to remain safe and come back to her.

  That sounded better than she expected.

  And made waiting to see him again even harder.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Evangeline found Charlie and Joey in the stables arguing.

  Joey pointed his thumb into his chest. “I can order the supplies.”

  “I need you to feed the cattle in the north pasture.”

  Joey threw up his hands. “Why can’t you let me make some of the decisions and do the management stuff instead of always giving me the manual labor?”

  “As manager of the ranch, I’m using you and the crew where you have the strongest ability.”

  Joey held his hand out and widened his eyes. “Are you saying I’m too stupid to order the supplies and keep up the accounts?”

  Would they ever get along and work together in harmony?

  Before this turned into a brawl, she stepped between them. Harmony would not be achieved today. “Hold up, guys. We’ve got company coming.”

  Charlie and Joey both stared at her.

  “What company?” Charlie asked first.

  “The wildfire has displaced a lot of folks in the area. Chris just evacuated a ranch. The owner needs our help and a place to keep his animals.” She turned to Joey. “I need you to get six stalls ready for the horses.” She turned to Charlie. “We’ve got milk cows coming, so we’ll need a pasture for them. I doubt they’ve been milked this morning, so we’re going to need a few hands to help with that. We’ll need feed and water.”

  “While we’re doing all this extra work, what the hell will you be doing?” Joey still hadn’t lost his anger.

  “I’ll be building a temporary pen for the pig and her litter of sixteen. The goats can probably stay with the milk cows. We may need to turn one of the stalls into a makeshift chicken coop.” She looked around, trying to figure out wh
at else they’d need if more local ranchers needed their help. “This might not be the only ranch evacuated and bringing their animals here. You guys might want to call those you know who are located in the evacuation areas. Let them know we can help. Right now we’re not in the path of the fire, but that could change with the high winds coming.”

  Charlie and Joey glanced at each other and nodded. Maybe they liked to fight and bicker, but when the work needed to get done, they found a way to set their personal squabbles aside and do the job.

  She needed to find a way to give them both equal responsibility without making Charlie feel like she was taking away his deserved top spot at the ranch.

  A problem for another day. Right now a pig and her babes needed a pen. She clapped her hands together. “Come on. Let’s get it done.”

  Charlie and Joey jumped to it, both of them pulling their phones out to call those they knew who might need help. She grabbed a short roll of metal fencing and the toolbox and headed out the back of the stables into the paddock they used to wash down the horses. She tossed the bundle onto the ground and surveyed the large space, wondering how big a pen the pig would need and if she had enough material to work with to make it secure.

  She headed back into the barn and grabbed six thick fence posts. Three under each arm, she hauled them out to the pasture, went back for a shovel, and then got to work.

  They didn’t have near enough time to get the job done before the trucks and trailers started pulling into the driveway. Charlie opened the gate into the nearest pasture and directed the trailers of cows. The two trucks with horse trailers pulled up in front of the stables, along with the trailer that had the pigs, goats, and chickens.

  The man who drove that truck leapt out, climbed over the paddock fence, and grabbed the shovel from her. “Thank you for getting started.”

  She’d gotten four of the six posts dug and set.

  “If you’ll help with the horses, I’ll finish this. The pigs won’t mind being in the trailer awhile, but those horses are spooked after smelling the smoke and need to be let out.”