Toxic

by A. C. Bextor

  Finally after his breathing becomes labored he mumbles. “I’m sixteen.”

  I stop, gather my breath, because I know if I don’t then his lifeless body will litter the grounds of this yard. I look around to see how many spectators I’ve gained with my muscle show. Thankfully, no one has caught on to our exchange. Either they are ignoring my display or they already know ‘Michael’ and are glad to see he’s getting a dose of what he deserves.

  “Don’t talk anymore, son. The more you talk, move, or breathe, the more pissed off I get. Stay away from Sadey and Mace. You’re too fuckin’ old to be hanging around a Junior high school for fuck’s sake. If I see you here again, I’ll risk the jail time. Do you understand my words or you want me to demonstrate?”

  I drop my hold on his shirt and wait for his reaction, silently wishing he would take a swing at me.

  “Got it, man. Damn, is she your daughter or something? She never mentioned she had a family in anger management.”

  “Yeah, motherfucker, or something. We good?”

  He straightens his shirt and grabs his hat that flew off his head that had hit the ground when I grabbed him. Yankees fan - go figure. Finally he answers. “Yeah.”

  Son of a bitch, if these girls create this kind of attention now then I’m in for a long line of babysitting duty for the next few years.

  Walking back to the truck, I catch a glimpse of a wide eyed Sadey in the backseat. She’s talking to Mace, but Mace keeps her head hung low. I’m glad to see she’s upset, cause right now, so am I.

  As I get into the cab, I slam the door to release some of my anger. I’ve just let a sixteen year old get under my skin. This concludes, once again, the idea that if I ever meet someone and reproduce there will be no fuckin’ girls. No way.

  “Mace.”

  Tears are falling on her book bag as it sits in her lap, and it’s then I realize I probably could have handled that a little better - at least in front of her anyway. “No. Don’t talk to me. I hate you.”

  I reach over to grab her arm and she jerks it from my hand, trying to get space from me. “Mace, don’t ever say that to me. You don’t hate me. You’re pissed as hell, I get that, but you don’t hate me.”

  “Shame, maybe you should…” Sadey speaks from the backseat, where she should be minding her own business.

  “Not right now, Sadey. Sit back and buckle your belt.”

  “Well, alright, but…”

  I turn my body to her, sending her a look that would frighten anyone else, but unfortunately for me, my anger never phases her in the slightest. “Sadey, I just said not right now. Jesus, what does that mean to you?”

  “It means…”

  God, I am losing patience. “Fuckin’ Christ, Sadey. Shut it!”

  “Okay, geez, all you had to do was say so.” She throws her body against my backseat, buckles her seat belt and continues to talk about me under her breath. As long as it keeps her quiet, she could be talking to the fuckin’ pope, I don’t care.

  “Mace, sweetheart, look at me.”

  “I said no, Shame. I want to go home. Take me home or I’m going to get out and walk.”

  She doesn’t say anything else to me as we leave the school’s parking lot. She wants to go home, but my instructions were specific in that I’m supposed to feed them so they don’t get a sugar overdose from cake and ice cream.

  The present I picked up for her is in my pocket. I hate that I’ll be giving it to her when she’s this pissed at me, but I don’t have a choice and I’m not changing tradition.

  “Mace, we’re goin’ to dinner. What are you hungry for?”

  Outside her truck window, she’s studying the passing houses and trees, never looking in my direction. Every now and then I see her wipe her face clean of tears.

  “Did you hear me?”

  “Yeah.”

  “If you don’t tell me where we’re going, sweetheart, I’m going to pick where we go and you hate what I eat.”

  In a low and controlled voice she repeats her feeling for me. “I hate you.”

  Ouch. That still fuckin’ hurts. Before I get too pissed I pull into to the sub shop that I know is her favorite in attempts to lighten her mood and ask for forgiveness.

  “Sadey, go save us a table by the window right there.” I point so that Sadey knows exactly where I’m telling her to go. I need to watch her in case Mace takes a while to get un-mad.

  Surprisingly, Sadey is even quiet as she makes her move to do what I asked. A person knows they’re a fuck up if even Sadey Lyons has nothing to say in their defense. She would defend a criminal if she believed they committed the crime born from a good intention.

  After she slams the door and heads into the shop, I turn to Mace, who continues to ignore me by looking out the window. I move to touch her arm, but think better of it since she’s still seething in anger at me. We sit in silence until she breaks it, along with my heart.

  “You can’t act like that. You humiliated me. Michael is my friend, Shame. He likes me and now you’ve scared him away. I like it when boys look at me and he looks at me. He’s really nice. He thinks I’m cute and no one ever thinks I’m cute. They all look at Sadey, not me.”

  “Baby, you’re just twelve. There should never be anyone touching you the way he was. I’m not sayin’ boys can’t look, but touching is out. Do you understand what I’m sayin’ to you here? No touching.”

  “Shame! All the other girls in my class let boys touch them. Sometimes they even hold hands. I don’t ever see some crazy-big-brother-biker showing up and acting the way you did. It’s alright to have friends that are boys, right? I mean it isn’t like we’re going to….”

  Fuck! I cut her off. “You’re God damn right about that, Mace.”

  She sighs heavy, rolling her head back so it hits the headrest and closes her eyes before talking. “If you plan to ever do this again, you can tell me now so I can start sneaking around. It would be less mortifying to get grounded for something than to have you act like that again.”

  “Bullshit. That will never fuckin’ happen. You can’t and won’t hide from me. Ever. Are we clear?”

  She sniffs, and once again wipes the tears that I’ve caused her on her birthday. We won’t settle this her way. She won’t win and I refuse to give in. I will make the same decision to handle it as I did, again and again, until she’s old enough to know what teenage boys and men alike are capable of.

  Now I sigh, running my hands through my hair, then killin’ the engine to my truck. “Can we go eat? Sadey’s inside waiting for us. Can you just be mad at me later? Maybe after I give you your birthday present?”

  She looks up and shows a mild glance of excitement in typical female form. Mention a gift and all is put aside, but never fuckin’ forgotten. “Yeah, I’m going to let you buy me a B.L.T. while you think about what all you just did.”

  “Deal. I’ll think about all I just did just as long as you think about why I did it.”

  She rolls her eyes and opens the door to hop down from the truck. Brat.

  We make our way inside, we order, and walk to sit with Sadey, who is lost in another song that I know I’ve heard but can’t place. Name that tune is pretty much Sadey’s theme. She can’t carry the fuckin’ note, so it makes it tough to know what exactly she’s singing. As long as the girl steers clear from the classics I don’t care what she’s singing, but no one can justify tainting the good stuff. I’m dreading the day the girl finds refuge in AC/DC, Lynyrd Skynyrd, or Iron Maiden, because then we’re going to have words, and if she doesn’t agree she could be sporting a gag in my presence until she learns which rock lords to steer clear of. Luckily, I’m sweet enough on her that I would find a pink one that suited her.

  Mace and Sadey must have some sort of pact between them to kill me, because every single God damn teenage boy that enters through the fuckin’ door stops to stare at one or both of my girls. That is until their stare reaches mine, and then they quickly turn away leaving the girls to scowl at me
as if I did something wrong.

  What?

  Mace senses I’m winning this nonverbal debate and gives up, changing her thought to her present, which she knows I still have stashed in my pocket.

  “Well, since it’s my birthday and all, I think I’m entitled now.”

  I stop chewing long enough to look up and find she and Sadey perched on the edge of their seats waiting for my big delivery. “Entitled?”

  “Uhhh, yeah. It’s my day and you have my present, I know you do.”

  “You want it now? Even when you’re mad at me?”

  “Uhhhh, yeah, I do. I don’t have to be happy with you to open a present.”

  I no longer have the energy for either one of them. This is going to be short and fuckin’ sweet so I can get myself an adult beverage.

  My hands move to my vest and Sadey snickers because she already knows what it is, she’s the one that helped me pick it out this year, swearing, ‘Mace is gonna flip out when she gets this. Shame, she’s gonna cry. Cool!’

  Setting the box down on the table, I wait for Mace to grab it. When she doesn’t, I look directly at her and find her staring at me with a questionable look.

  “What’s wrong now? You don’t even want the present?”

  She crosses her arms in front of her chest and of course as backup, Sadey does the same so they are both staring me down. “I don’t want it when I know you’re pissed at me ‘cause I said I hated you earlier, but you made me so damn mad!”

  “Don’t use those words with me, Mace. I was mad, not pissed. We’ve talked about it. I’m not mad anymore, neither are you. It’s done, so bury it.”

  I move the gift towards her, willing her to open it. She hesitates then looks to Sadey for confirmation that it’s alright. Once she grabs it, like any other fuckin’ woman, she shakes it knowing already it’s some form of jewelry.

  With a smile on her face she pulls the bow, which Sadey made for her, off with one pull and opens it. Fuckin’ finally. Mace Cash is the only female I know that seriously takes forever to open a damn present.

  After she’s opened the box, I see her face go blush. Sadey starts bouncing in her seat and as excited as she is, a person would believe it was for her, not Mace.

  “Flip it over, Mace. Hurry up, look at it!”

  Mace snaps at Sadey for ruining her moment. “I am, Sadey, hold on.”

  Mace catches my eyes and smiles that smile that is only for me in these moments. She knows I always take my time getting her the perfect present and although I fucked up her day earlier at the school, I know by the look on her face I’ve made up for my overbearing and asshole ways – until next time.

  Holding the chain and heart pendant to the light she reads the inscription out loud to all of us sitting at the table. “I love your face.”

  Of course, Sadey just gives her one quiet moment to enjoy before delving in with needless words. “Don’t you love it? It goes around your ankle; it’s an anklet. Pretty clever, huh?” Her eyebrows can’t help but go up and down to show her excitement.

  Mace stands up, walks over to me and wraps her small arms around my neck, squeezing me tight and kisses my cheek. She does this every single year and I never tire of it. Before setting me free she whispers softly in my ear. “Thank you, I love it and I love you for buying it.”

  I pat her on the back, trying to avoid turning this heartfelt thanks into a puddle of tears at a sandwich shop, and let her go to finish her meal. The rest of dinner she stares at the box that carried her gift.

  ~~~~~

  Once we are back at the house, I see Hem outside with the helium balloons trying to tame them before hanging them on the mailbox. They appear to be kickin’ his ass due to the wind. He’s cussing deliberately and I can see he’s had about enough. He looks ridiculous, and I can hear Sadey’s snickers in the backseat as she catches sight of him.

  She pops out of the back and runs directly to him so she can help. She calms him immediately as she takes them from his grasp and starts to hand the offending balloons back to him one at a time, in colored order of course. He’s still grunting obscenities, but already, in her presence, he’s able to relax.

  Turning my focus back to Mace, I know it’s time to suck it up and deliver my apology. “Alright, Mace, I’m sorry I acted like that today, but you have years to go before you are allowed a boyfriend, and if it kills me I’m going to run off every little bastard until I know you can handle them on your own.”

  She looks at me and her eyes lock to mine. She’s not angry anymore, she’s hurt. “I need friends. I have Sadey, but you and Hem never have any time for us anymore. You’re never around. You’re always on your bike ridin’ or you’re tired or ya know … with your girls…”

  “My girls?” I don’t realize what she means by this until it’s too late to take back my question. Damn it.

  She looks up at me with those brown eyes, willing me to drop it, thank fuck. I’m not telling her about ‘my girls’.

  “Alright. You’re right. I’m sorry, okay? Are you…”

  “Am … I … what?”

  I hate that I’ve hurt her. The thought makes me sad because she’s a sweet girl and didn’t deserve my anger. I stare at her, looking at her face and waiting for a reaction.

  “I’m fine, is that what’s bothering you? I’m fine, I guess. Can you just not act like that again, please?”

  “Yeah, Mace. I can try.”

  She shakes her head at me the same way Hem and I do when they start to get on our nerves. “Shame, you just wear me out.” She laughs out loud for the first time today then starts to hop out of the truck.

  I swing around to her and we walk to the back of the house together. Her party is starting. Her family is here, Warren included, and some members from Peril. She’s smiling as she sees the piñata hung from the oak tree that holds the treehouse.

  In an attempt to make sure we’re okay again, I nudge her, knowing I’m about to lose her attention once the party starts. “You learn anything at school today?”

  She stops our walk, giggles, and looks at me before she tries to ruin my damn day. “You mean did I learn about the birds and bees today?”

  My eyes grow wide, causing a slight shift in pain behind them. “Fuck no, I didn’t ask that!” I hesitate before asking what I know is going to hurt my chest. “You haven’t learned anything about them yet … have you?”

  She laughs at me. She may as well just rip my heart out and stomp on it because she’s scaring the fuck out of me right now. “Did you think I’d never learn about you and your ‘special friends?’ Because now I know better.”

  Pushing her away from me, prepping myself mentally for her smart mouth. “What are you talking about, Mace?”

  “Let’s just say I know now that you don’t wrestle with your ‘friends’ the way you wrestle with me. That’s what I learned today.”

  I think I’m blushing. Fuck, I hate blushing, especially when it’s a tiny person making me uncomfortable. “You done? You done trying to mortify me? Let’s get cake please. If you’re eatin’ you aren’t talking and fuck I love your face, darlin’, but please stop talking.”

  She runs from me towards Sadey and her dad, who are in the backyard arguing over what ethnic background the piñata came from.

  No, Sadey, it’s not the Italians.

  Mace and Sadey are twelve this year, how’s that even possible?

  ~~~~~

  That was not the first time I went into angry brother mode when a boy tried to touch either Sadey or Mace. As ever though, I didn’t care how anyone felt about it as long as I handled the situation the way I felt it needed to be handled.

  I’d been battling some depression the last couple of years, since my parent’s death. No idea why I cared so much when they were dead because I hated them when they were living, but I did. It ate at me, like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

  During that depression though, it was Mace and Sadey that kept me grounded with their innocence and willingness
to love others without regard. I’m thankful their lives weren’t like mine.

  I think those around me, who knew me best, knew I was spiraling out of control and using sex as a means to work through my feelings. It’s not healthy, but it’s how I’d learned to deal with it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him”

  -Albert Camus

  “Hi, sweetheart.”

  “Shame, where are you?”

  Mace called as I pulled into a filling station for gas, aspirin, and smokes. I need all three if I’m going to finish this day the way I know I should. My head is killing me after reliving the start to teenage Mace. I’m out of smokes, and the gas in my tank isn’t enough to get me where else I still need to be.

  “I’m gettin’ some smokes, babe, you all right?”

  She’s trying to be calm and collected, but the undertone in her voice is evident. She’s scared. Fuck, all day I assumed I was the only person re-thinking this decision, and I gave no thought that Mace may be having her own second thoughts about spending forever with my inner demons.

  “No, Shame, I’m not asking where you are, as in location. I’m asking where your head is at. I talked to Hem, who is livid, by the way, he told me you were acting odd.”

  “Odd?”

  Hem, you nosey fuckin’ bastard.

  “Please. Talk to me. Are you coming to the church? It’s three o’clock.”

  “Babe, I’m okay. Let me finish up here, and I will see you soon, all right? The boys will get everything ready. There’s no reason you want me to stand in a church for four hours just waiting for you, for fuck sake.”

  She smiles into the phone, and I know she’s imagining me waiting for her, for four hours, in a suit … with a hard-on. My woman can read my fuckin’ mind that it’s a turn on to take my girl, bend her over, and watch her let loose in a house of God.

  I’m going to hell.

  “Alright, I love you.”