Toxic

by A. C. Bextor

  -Albert Camus

  The day after her seventeenth birthday, I remember walking around the damn department store, trying to find her something I thought she’d like. I was late with her gift that year because Hem and I were out with Doc on a ride that week, and had gotten back later than expected. I never liked missing birthdays, and if it could be prevented it was.

  I’ve always given her gifts that I thought would mean something to her. She tells me she keeps all the gifts I’ve ever gotten her in a box under her bed. Her favorite, so far, is the doll I gave her for her eighth birthday.

  I had picked Mace up from the school, where she had spent the evening with friends enjoying the football game. She looked happy to see me; she knew I had a present for her.

  ~~~~~

  “You ready?”

  She gives me a knowing smile. The little brat is eager for her gift. “Yep. Where are we goin'?”

  I can play with her for a while though; it’s my given right, after all the shit she’s put me through the last few years. “Thought I should just take you home. It’s a school night, and it’s already dark, babe. You need to study.”

  “Why do I need to study? ‘Cause Sadey and I are destined to have to pay for your care when you’re too old and feeble to take care of yourself? Are you hoping I can find you a nice expensive nursing home that you can live out your older years in?”

  “Shut your mouth, brat.”

  “Touchy? They say that feelings are the first…”

  I reach over the seat and cover her mouth with my hand. “Shut … up…”

  Letting out a jagged huff aimed to make me feel bad, she continues her whining. “So, you miss my birthday, and now you’re just gonna take me home to study? That’s boring! Mom and dad are out tonight; I don’t want to sit at home alone. You should buy me a beer.”

  What the fuck?

  When I move my eyes to hers, I find her smiling. Lil’ shit is fuckin’ with me good now. “No, Mace Ellen Cash, I’m not buying you beer.”

  “Whatever. Where’s my present? I know you have one for me.” She’s bouncing up and down in my truck seat.

  “Calm down and give me a few minutes.”

  I stop at the gas station for beer; mine not hers – may as well rub some salt in those young wounds. I get her a pop and some candy, and explain that I’m giving her an hour before taking her home to study. She’s not ecstatic about that, but she’s accepting.

  As I’m parking the truck in an empty parking lot, I notice her shivering. It's pitch dark outside, and I can hear her teeth chatter - and by the inside light of the truck I can visibly see that she’s cold.

  “Come out.”

  I’m putting the truck’s bed down, and before I finish she’s already hopping up inside and laying down in it. Thoughts of how grown up she looked in that dress, the night of Prom, are creeping back into my head, and I need to batten that shit down if I have any hope of remaining sane for the next … thirty-nine minutes.

  “Where the fuck is your coat? You sat outside the whole time for the game without anything on? What’s wrong with you?” I throw mine at her, giving her a look to ensure she puts the damn thing on.

  She rolls her eyes at me as she takes the jacket I hand to her. “Sorry, daddy.”

  Fuck. My dick just twitched hearing her call me that. I am a sick, sick man, but now I’m a sick man gripped with a semi hard-on.

  “Wow, it’s so pretty out here.” She’s looking up at the stars, and as I move myself to lay beside her, not touching her, I can faintly see the evening’s chill coming from her mouth as she speaks.

  I light my cigarette, enjoying the first hit as the nicotine hits my bloodstream. “Suppose it is.”

  “I’m prettier though, right?”

  Suddenly, I’m choking on said first hit. “What?”

  She’s beautiful, but I can’t just say that to her without giving my damn demented self away.

  “I’m much prettier than this night, aren’t I?” She moves to lay on her side, her hand propped up, holding her head.

  “Ummm?” is the only response I can muster.

  “Shame! Say it. Say ‘Mace, you’re pretty’, or you’re going to hurt my feelings.”

  “Mace…”

  “I’m hot. Some boys, they even say I’m hot.”

  “Shut up.” I don't want to hear this shit. No punk ass will get close to her as long as I’m around, and hearing her tell me how they reference her makes me want to punch someone.

  “Okay.”

  I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, but fuck if I don’t want to just tell her how fuckin’ beautiful she is, inside and out. The moonlight is casting a glow on her face, and she looks angelic to me. Her innocence surrounds us, and in a sense, her pure, makes me pure.

  Rolling my eyes, I agree. “Mace, yeah alright? You’re a beautiful, young, teenage girl.” There, that’s safe. Boring, but safe.

  She smiles at me, then, of course, she ruins it. “Shame, how old were you when you had your first kiss, and where was it?”

  “I’m not talking about this with you.”

  She punches my chest as she tries to get me to consider this question. “I want to know.”

  I pop the top off my beer and take a long drink in order to stall my answer. She doesn’t want to have this conversation with me; fuck, I don’t want to have this conversation period.

  “I can’t remember.”

  “Liar.”

  I mildly choke on my beer at her rebuttal. The fuckin’ water tower comes to mind, and all I can visualize now is killing a man with my bare hands for touching Mace the way I touched that cougar.

  “Library.” I hear the weak tone in my voice as I answer, but can’t think of anything else to say that would be a clean enough answer to give my little friend.

  “Have you ever been in a library? I can’t imagine you have. Unless you were behind the old collections gettin’ ‘busy’ with your hottie.”

  Holy fuck; she’s out of character today.

  “Mace, you’re wearing me out with these questions. Can we have a subject change, please? Maybe something that doesn’t revolve around you and boys?”

  “Psh, that’s all it’s about at school. Kissing, making out … the bases.”

  Stop the madness … stop the madness…

  “Sweetheart, how about I just give you your present?”

  Eagerly, my girl sits up, rubbing her hands together while crossing her legs. I hand her the box and watch her inspect the paper, but then tear through it, like she does every year.

  “Oh my … Shame … they are…”

  The clerk at the store said there wasn’t a teenager alive that didn’t love diamond earrings. It was more than I could probably afford, but I didn’t care, because they were for her, and she would love them. They didn’t look like much to me, but she would make them look beautiful.

  She doesn’t look at me for a few seconds as she examines the gift. “They’re perfect, thank you.”

  “Welcome.”

  She leans towards me, offering the box. “Put them on me.”

  I lean away as if she were on fire. “No.”

  Touching her, fuck no.

  “God, you’re such a man.”

  Truer words have never been spoken.

  After she puts them on she turns to me, and I can see her wide smile. I was right; she makes them beautiful. Before I can move, she jumps on top of me and smothers me playfully with small kisses all over my face. I hold her still long enough for her to settle, and once she stops squirming she lays her head on my chest. My arms are around her and God, she feels so perfect, just not perfect for me … yet.

  For the next hour, we lay in the truck's bed, looking at the stars. She talks about her future; going to college, getting married, and having kids. I’m thinking of my future; wondering, if she has all these plans that can’t ever include me, how I can keep her in it.

  ~~~~~

  It wouldn’t be until one year later that I faced
my feelings head-on, out loud, to another person. Hem didn’t take the news well, and I knew he was reciting a rehearsed lecture, when he was so angry with me.

  Apparently, he had seen this coming before I did. Thanks for the warning, you asshat.

  Fuck, he was pissed.

  ~~~~~

  “Hem, you ready for the girls to go?”

  Hem and I are moving boxes out of Sadey’s house. Her parents decided to go away for the weekend instead of seeing Sadey off. Sadey told us it was because they didn’t care, but I don’t totally believe this. She’s an only child, and her mother is a nervous wreck about her going away and never coming back. I assume her father caught onto this, and made arrangements for the weekend that didn’t include Mrs. Lyons sniveling her way into changing Sadey’s mind about leaving.

  “No. Too many fuckin’ idiots out there. Sadey is a God damn magnet for idiots. Mace, she’ll be alright I think. She doesn’t take anyone’s shit.”

  “No, that she doesn’t.”

  He adds another box to the pile in my arms, and as I walk it across the street I see Mace is pushing a box into the back of her car with her leg. Jesus, could they get more shit in there?

  “Mace … what the fuck are you doin’? Just wait.”

  She’s stressed. She lets out a heavy breath and mutters. “It won’t close.”

  “Ya think? You need to organize this shit or get rid of it. You don’t need half this stuff, damn it. You have a room at your mom’s. Hell, you’re not moving away forever, are you?”

  She rolls her eyes at me as she ignores my question and starts to unpack the boxes from the car, fixing the dents her foot has caused as she goes along.

  Women.

  Walking back into the house to get more boxes, I hear Sadey and Hem in her room. Standing in the doorway I can see and hear Sadey, but can only hear Hem. She’s upset, and Hem is stuttering as he tries to calm her. He doesn’t like to see Sadey cry, fuck, no one does, it’s a mess, but Hem really can’t handle her emotional tears; it guts him.

  “Sugar, would you just relax? I told you it was fine, and it’s fine. This isn’t the end of the fuckin’ world. You’re not going to be alone, and I’m going to see you in a month. If you don’t come back here for a visit, then Shame and I will come to you. Now, time is moving, and we’re losing daylight. Get your shit together and just stay with Mace tonight. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “H-H-H-em, I’m scared.” She’s hiccupping; it’s how she cries. Fluids should start flyin’ at Hem soon.

  He holds his arms out for her to walk into them. “C’mere, Sadey.”

  She grabs him, pulling at the back of his shirt, holding on for life. “I’m not leaving. I’ve changed my mind. I can work at the gas station - they need help. I saw a sign in the window yesterday. I’m not going, so stop packing me up.”

  Hem laughs quietly while she holds him around his waist in an effort to calm herself with his touch. “Sadey girl, you are going. Everything is ready, and you leave tomorrow morning.”

  Another hiccup, but this one is followed by a loud sob.

  I walk further into the room and find Hem has his face buried in her hair, with his arms tightly wrapped around her body. I don’t say anything for a few seconds, because I don’t want to startle her or embarrass him. He looks content and calm as he holds her close against his chest.

  A few more sobs and he pulls her away, at the same time spotting me leaning against the door. When he catches my eye, his face changes. He looks pissed that I interrupted his time alone with her.

  “Shame, what are you standing around for? You gonna help, or stand there and stare?”

  Angrily, he walks past Sadey and me, leaving her contemplating in confusion. I’m not touching this one. No idea what the hell else I missed, but I think I’m glad I missed it.

  Finding Hem outside on the porch, I know this time is as good as any. “Hem, I need to talk to you.”

  “Right now? We’re kinda in the middle of something here, aren’t we?”

  “Now.”

  He puts down the bags he had in his hand and stands up. I’m taller than he is by a few inches, so I straighten my back to try to look certain.

  “Well, talk, damn it. We don’t have all damn day.”

  “Hem, I think … I think … fuck, maybe…” I stop my stutter because I catch a glimpse of Mace across the street, still arguing with those boxes, and I have to smile. The words I can make out of her sweet mouth is what makes me start to laugh out loud. She doesn’t curse often. She doesn’t like to anyway, but she’s filling up the air with words I use daily, and I fuckin’ love it.

  Hem follows my line of sight, and his face goes from confused to livid … in a hurry. “No. Fuckin. Way. Stop lookin' at my sister like that. What the hell is wrong with you? She’s a kid!”

  I move my eyes from her to him in defeat, but my tone drips sarcasm. “Yeah, a kid. Alright.”

  “Shame, I swear to everything I have, stop thinking what you’re thinking, or I will put you down. You could go to hell for even entertaining that show in your head right now.”

  I rearrange my feet, trying to distract myself from his stare. He’s right, I know he’s right. Fuck, if he knew how I’ve felt for the last two years, since Prom, he would gut me and have every right to scatter my body parts throughout the state.

  There is a point to be made in my defense though, whether he wants to hear it or not. “You get she’s eighteen now, right? She’s going to college, for fuck sake. I didn’t say I wanted to marry her, Hem. You’re acting like I just asked you for her fuckin’ hand.”

  He rubs his head with his hand before starting in again. “Christ, this is not happening. This is not fuckin’ happening! We aren’t having this conversation. You are the last person I want to see with my sister. I love you like a brother, but you are not what I want for Mace. Sure, she’s eighteen. That’s all well and good, but you are light years away from her, and I’m not talking about age here. You’ve not lived a good life, and she’s not strong enough to handle you, or a past like yours. You have to see that.”

  I nod. I do see this, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about having her as mine for as long as she wants me.

  I wipe my face with my hands, trying to clear my head. “Maybe I’m just having a hard time because they’re leaving. The girls won’t know anyone. No one will be there if they need us. It’s two hours from here and … fuck I just hate this. It’s ridiculous to be upset. Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m acting like a woman.”

  “Yeah, brother, you are. We’re not having this conversation about my sister again, we good?”

  “Good.” Not good, but he’s right.

  ~~~~~

  If she were my sister, I would’ve had the same response for him. It wasn’t right. Hem was right on point when he reminded me about my past. My past that started with a fucked up childhood, my parents’ deaths, and most of all, my need for crass control.

  I’ll never forget the look in Hem’s eyes as he explained all this to me. Looking back, I think it hurt him just as much as it had hurt me, to know that by me being with Mace, I would only cause her pain.

  You can’t choose who you love though. This was a lesson that life was still teaching me today.

  Chapter Seventeen

  "But, it's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. While we loved each other, we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. But people don't love forever. A time came when I should have found the words to keep her with me, only I couldn't."

  -Albert Camus

  I knew the time was coming, but I couldn’t do anything to stop the clock. It isn’t often I surrender to a feeling of helplessness, but I had succumbed to it without realizing how much this was going to hurt.

  Mace and Sadey were leaving town and headed off to college. Truth is, I wanted to tell her she couldn’t leave. I needed her here. Promises of seeing the girls on the first weekend of every month felt meaningless. Their lives were going to chang
e. Life was going to open up for each of them, and Hem and I were powerless to stop it.

  We had lived to protect them, and by doing so, we kept them close; protected in an iron bubble that no one could break. The ironic thing about it was – the girls were the ones breaking it now, spreading their wings and leaving the nest.

  ~~~~~

  Lynda is nervous about letting her daughter go today. Even though she loves Mace from a distance, it doesn’t mean she wants her to leave. “You girls need to call when you get there so I won’t worry.”

  “Mom, it’s not that far. Would you just relax already? Hem has checked the car, and we’re riding together. We’ll be fine.”

  “Mace, stop. I don’t want to talk about that now. Please, just promise your mother you won’t talk to strangers at any stops, and you two stay together.”

  Lynda and Warren hardly speak anymore. He’s been so caught up at work that he doesn’t really acknowledge his marriage, or his daughter for that matter. She’s a lonely person that no one can reach anymore.

  “Sister, c’mere.” I can hear Hem’s voice cracking. This will suck for him too.

  Hem has Mace held tight to him, and he gives her words of advice on how best to hurt any man that enters her space. Sadey makes her way to me first, before going to Hem, and in her way, she tries to make me uncomfortable with this situation. “Shame, take care of Hem. You guys don’t be sleeping your way through too many women. I would hate to come back and see you with cooties.” She’s so juvenile.

  Hugging her, I squeeze her much tighter than needed and she gasps. “Sadey, we don’t ‘sleep’ with anyone. We fu..”

  She pulls from my chest, using her hands to brace me away from her body. “You’re sick.” She knows I’m fuckin’ with her, but Hem still hates when I do it.