“It’s beautiful, Pet,” she offered in an even voice. “I never knew you were such a talented artist.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
“It’s a pity it will all be washed away after the ceremony tomorrow,” she said, sounding pensive.
“It was always intended to be temporary,” I pointed out, controlling myself to maintain my distance from her, and stealing a glance, but other than that, avoiding eye contact.
“Maybe that’s one of the reasons it’s so beautiful,” Lia observed, her voice wistful, or brooding even. “You invested your heart and soul, knowing it was only intended for a moment’s pleasure. It’s like our time together at Saranedam, more exquisite for the transience.” Her words struck home, as I read the meaning in them. She was telling me our moment was up, her attachment to me a beautiful, yet fleeting one. I clenched my fists, trying not to react.
“All right, Lia,” I replied, forcing my voice to remain calm. “It’s always been your choice, not mine. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need some air.”
I turned away from her, needing to flee that eloquent dismissal. I walked through the ballroom quickly, wanting more than anything to escape my own skin. I wished I’d kept her in Saranedam, away from sobering reality, and refused to attend this ridiculous joining. I decided to leave as soon as possible, just after the ceremony if I could manage it. I was very nearly running by the time I reached the back garden. I stopped at the periphery and gulped at the sea air blowing across the headlands, desperate to keep from losing my composure. Of course Lia had followed me, curious to watch me unravel.
“What are you doing, Pet?” Lia asked, gripping my shoulder firmly before turning me around. When I faced her, I saw she was upset, angry even. “I’m not through talking to you. Why did you walk away from me like that?”
“You’ve said enough,” I explained in a sharp tone. “Can’t you give me a moment of peace to react? Are you really so unfeeling?”
“So you argued with Mamma,” Lia said calmly. “I argue with her all the time. Besides, she was right for once. You’re obviously avoiding us. Why is that?”
“Why do you think?” I asked, struggling to remain calm. “Listen, Lia, I’m doing the best I can with what is, for me at least, a very painful situation,” I said evenly. “And if you’re planning to shout at me, as your mother just did, I might not react the way you want,” I warned. “I’m not extremely pleased with the way this week has gone. I’m focusing all of my strength to hold myself together just now. Please, show a little compassion and leave me to it?”
“Why would I shout at you? I just want you to talk with Ania this afternoon,” she said, ignoring my plea. “She might listen to you.”
“I’m sorry but that won’t be possible, my darling,” I replied sharply. “The ballroom has to be completed by tomorrow. Lore has just commanded my appearance for the evening meal, and as it stands I’ll be up all night arranging flowers and finishing the arbor in the garden. In addition to all of that, I need to find some time to fall apart, because the woman I love with my entire being has decided transience is beauty. So, you’ll forgive me, Lia, if I want a moment alone. Please. Leave me to tend my wounds.”
“What? I don’t understand you. Are you punishing me?” she almost whispered.
“Punishing you?” I asked, stunned. “I’d never willingly cause you pain, Lia.”
“Then why are you being so tetchy this morning?” she asked. “It’s not like you. I’m asking for your help. Ania’s scared,” Lia said, willfully ignoring my obvious vulnerability. “She doesn’t love Fen’Tun. I’ve been trying to persuade her to follow her instincts and back out. I think she might if she thought there was a way to save face. I keep telling her it doesn’t matter what people think, that she has to make herself happy,” she explained.
“I’m truly sorry for her,” I said, thinking about Ania rather than myself for a moment. I’d made countless mistakes in my life, but joining with someone I didn’t love wasn’t one of them.
“Then talk to her,” Lia pressed on.
“I’m in no shape to help anyone right now, Lia,” I replied. “Can’t you see that?”
“But she respects you. And you don’t think the way Mamma and Mata do. You can talk her through it,” Lia continued despite my refusal. “I already told her you wanted to spend some time with her. Come for a ride with us. Talk to her.”
“No,” I refused flatly.
“Why are you being so callous with me?” she asked. “Do you think I haven’t wanted you because I’ve been spending time with my sister? I’ve wanted you constantly, Pet. You must realize that.”
Her assertion stilled the spinning in my head. I surveyed the area around us, making certain no one was watching. Satisfied that those I saw were too distant for eavesdropping, I reached out to grip Lia’s shoulder where her birthmark was, guiding her back behind the hedge, away from inquisitive eyes. Before I could caution her, she stepped forward, wrapping her arms around me, melting into my arms.
“Lia, my darling, this isn’t a good idea. We might be observed,” I whispered, as her lips moved over my neck, her teeth nibbling my earlobe gently. When I took a sharp breath, her hand trailed down between my thighs. The light pressure of her hand outside my trousers roused my passionate need for her.
“Come riding with us, Pet,” she whispered next to my ear. “Not just for Ania, but for me. Don’t you want to be with me?”
“Yes, more than anything,” I admitted immediately, my heart hammering my chest, my body screaming for her. “I’ll do anything you want, Lia, anything.”
Lia’s hand dropped away as she stepped back from me, smiling, a slight blush spreading across her cheeks. When she raised her eyes, I read a promise in them.
“I’ll expect you after midday,” she offered before turning away from me.
Paralyzed by desire, I watched her walking back toward the palace. When I felt in control of my emotions again, I returned to the ballroom. I continued working, but with less focus, for the remainder of the morning. I called my helpers to me in the early afternoon, and did as Lore had suggested, delegating the bulk of the work remaining between them. I no longer cared whether or not the task was completed properly at that point. Apparently, Ania didn’t actually want a joining ceremony, and no one else was excited about the impending event. I decided I’d devoted enough energy to the ill-fated ordeal and went to dress for our ride.
Inside my bedchamber, I found Lia already naked and in my bed. We made love quickly and quite passionately, as Ania was expecting us in the stable soon. Afterward, I lay with my arms around Lia, wondering when the disaster would strike, when she would finally pull away from me. I’d felt the start of it, I thought. Shoving that threat out of my mind, I kissed her soundly, and then rose to dress.
When we reached the stable, Lia headed directly for Khol. I collected my tack, depositing it beside the empty crossties, and went to collect Fiora. Smiling, I realized it had been a while since I’d ridden my own horse. Ania came up to me as I was haltering Fiora.
“Why does Lia always ride Khol now?” Ania asked. “Have you traded horses?”
“No. Lia enjoys riding him, though. I don’t mind,” I said, noticing the skepticism in Ania’s gaze. “She’s an excellent rider,” I added.
“Are you in love with my sister?” Ania asked bluntly.
“Ania, are you trying to shock me?” I asked, forcing a smile as I deflected her question.
“No. I’m serious, cousin. There’s something about the way you smell just now,” Ania said. “There’s soap, and that lemony sort of scent you’ve always worn. What’s strange is that you smell a little like Lia too. And you have to admit, Lia’s different now. She’s more confident, and she speaks Old Noge as if it’s her first language. None of her tutors could ever get results like that. Mamma thinks you’ve worked a miracle,” Ania observed, a wry smile spreading across her features. “I think maybe you found a more appealing reward system. Is that it?”<
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“Lia’s good with languages,” I replied evenly, as I led Fiora past Ania and lined her up in the crossties.
Thankfully, Lia came over to help me tack Fiora, and Ania backed off. When we set out from the stable, Lia was speaking excitedly with her sister about the solstice celebration at Saranedam Palace. They were making plans for Ania to come visit the following summer. I noticed that the way Lia spoke was too obvious, but could do nothing to caution her without making the situation worse. She had invited Ania to stay with us, as if we were a joined couple. When she spoke of the entertainment, it was we who would host a summer solstice ball, and we who would take her to visit the torppine vineyards in Baneland. I glanced over at Lia, desperate to caution her. Ania caught the expression of concern on my face and smiled.
“So, when are you planning to tell our mothers that you’re in love with cousin Pet?” Ania asked Lia. Lia’s eyes darted over to me for an instant, her cheeks coloring. “Come on, Lia. It’s obvious,” Ania teased. “I already knew, anyway. I’ve known since the middle of the season last year, when Pet was all you could think of to talk about. I only needed confirmation. It’s you I can’t decide about, Pet,” Ania added, shifting her keen gaze to me. “Are you in love with my sister, or are you really that selfless? Or maybe you’re still in love with Mamma, and you’re only being kind to Lia for her sake,” she added.
“How do you like the decorations so far?” I asked in a cool tone, attempting to divert this pest of a girl from her intrusive scrutiny of Lia and me. “I’ve seen you walking through the ballroom, but you’ve never stopped to offer an opinion. You know, if you don’t like what I’m doing, my work has been for nothing.”
“No, Pet, don’t think that. I love what you’ve done. You’ve made the ballroom incredibly beautiful,” Ania said, smiling. “I only wish I actually liked Fen’Tun so well. Then it could be the legendary wedding you’ve decorated for,” Ania said, raising her dark eyebrows in annoyance. “I don’t know what I was thinking accepting him.” I glanced over at Lia, but she was still too startled by Ania’s profound insights into our relationship to meet my gaze.
“You’re not joined yet, Ania,” I said. “Call it off. Better yet, collect a few guards this evening and set off for Saranedam for a few weeks. The palace is empty. It would be the perfect place to sort out what you want. If you decide you do love Fen’Tun, join on the last day of the season. Every ball leading up to it could be a sort of trial ground for the two of you.”
“Mamma would kill you if I took your advice,” Ania observed with a smirk. “She’s ready to have me settled and out of her hair. She wants grandchildren, and to have Mata to herself again.”
“I doubt Lore would have you joined with someone you don’t love,” I replied. “She wants to see you happy, as does M’Tek. They might be irritated with the timing at first, but they’d get over it.”
“What about all of the preparations?” Ania asked. “You’ve been working on the ballroom for six straight days,” she added. “And all of these people are arriving from all over Faeland, and even Nogeland, just to see me joined.”
“The Fae season has been a tradition for over a thousand years. It will open one way or another,” I replied. “Either you’re the center of the first ball, or you miss it. It’s really your choice, though you need to decide quickly.”
“You don’t think it would be an enormous scandal if I backed out?” she asked, some of the light leaving her intense blue eyes.
“It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You should only join if you love Fen’Tun,” I replied, starting to notice vanity in Ania for the first time. “Nothing else should concern you at this moment,” I added.
“I agree,” Lia said, finally contributing to our conversation. “You shouldn’t join with Fen’Tun unless you truly love him.”
“What do you know about love, Lia?” Ania asked with a tense laugh. “All you’ve ever felt is this ridiculous crush on our cousin. That isn’t love,” Ania said, rolling her eyes derisively.
“Ania, I think you should be concentrating on your own happiness at the moment,” I said, working to keep my tone kind. “Truly, you are the most important person for us to be focusing on right now,” I said, forcing my features into an expression of concern. “I know it’s frustrating being confused about your future. Everyone wants your happiness, though. You must see that.”
“Thank you, Pet,” Ania said in a dramatic tone. “Well, maybe I do love Fen’Tun,” she added. “He’s been getting on my nerves lately, but he’s probably nervous, the same as I am.”
Lia stared at her sister, confusion obvious in her beautiful eyes. Ania kicked her horse into a gallop and headed for the cross-country course. I watched as she jumped the first fence smoothly, but cut too close and had a rough takeoff on the second.
“I can’t help her,” I confessed, turning to Lia. “She doesn’t know how she feels about anything. Not only that, I don’t think she trusts me enough to be able to hear what I’m saying.”
“But she doesn’t love him,” Lia said. “She’s showing off for you, trying to embarrass me, and make you uncomfortable. Really, she’s just scared.”
“I believe you, darling,” I said gently.
“She’s not like this when we’re alone together,” Lia added. “She tells me she’s only joining to escape the palace. Fen’Tun’s family lives on the southwestern coast of Faeland, as far from here as you can get.”
“I can’t reach her, Lia. I tried,” I said gently. “She may listen to you, later, when you’re alone.”
“No. You were my last hope,” Lia said, sounding defeated. “I know she seemed awful just now, and petty, but she’s not really like that.”
“I believe you, Lia,” I said, turning my attention back to her sister, watching as Ania took another fence in the distance.
My meal with ‘the family’ started out slightly better than I was expecting. Ania went on and on about the advice I had given her, and how she knew what she wanted after talking with me, that I helped her realize how deeply she felt for Fen’Tun. While both M’Tek and Lore appeared relieved, I felt ridiculous. I hadn’t helped Ania in the slightest. She was joining with a man she hardly knew, and who got on her nerves, simply to escape the pressure of the life of a princess in that palace. Still, I knew there was little I could do for her.
Lia appeared miserable. More than anything, I wanted to see her beautiful smile. My suffering was enhanced when Ania brought up Lia’s supposed obsession with me. I had to struggle to maintain my composure, while Lia turned red and wouldn’t even make eye contact with me for the remainder of our meal. I excused myself after dessert, explaining that I needed to finish with the decorations for the joining on the morrow.
I spent the remainder of the evening tying red tulips to tables and checking lighting. I then helped the staff with the arbor in the garden, covering it with thousands of narrow, slow-burning, candles that would take six helpers an hour to light, but would be remarkable during the ball after the ceremony. I touched up some of the chalk paintings, and made certain the tables were in precisely the right places. Then, I pronounced myself finished.
I fell into bed around an hour before dawn, and slept late into the morning. Around noon there was a knock at my door, and I opened it to find M’Tek in the hallway. She was dressed to ride, and looking uncharacteristically awkward.
“Do you mind visiting with me for a while, cousin?” M’Tek asked, offering an almost timid smile.
Stunned by her self-conscious manner, I stood aside, and she walked past me to sit in one of the chairs adjacent to the sofa. I excused myself and returned to my bedchamber to dress. I pulled on riding clothes, reasoning that a ride might be in order to escape the jittery atmosphere of the palace for the rest of the day. Preparations were in those tense final stages, and I truly believed I’d already put in enough work for the ill-conceived joining. M’Tek looked me over as I returned to the sitting room. I’d pulled my hair back in a loose br
aid, and washed my face.
“You really look amazing, Pet,” M’Tek observed. “Are you involved with anyone right now?” she asked. “You smell as though you’re in love.”
“That’s not really something I’m willing to discuss with you,” I said. “I mean no offence, but our history in those matters is not a good one.” M’Tek grinned.
“Lore has reformed me,” M’Tek assured me. “And you’re clearly no longer in love with her. The two of you are hardly speaking from what she’s told me.”
“Still,” I said, shaking my head to indicate my unwillingness to discuss it.
“Well, I came here to talk to you about my daughter,” she started. I nodded, subtly checking to see if she was armed. I was aware she always kept a knife in her boot, but I thought I might flee before she pulled it on me, if the conversation took a wrong turn.
“I’m listening,” I said, trying to appear calm.
“Ania’s all over the place about this joining,” M’Tek said. I took a deep breath; relieved we were to speak of Ania, rather than Lia. “I know she talked it over with you yesterday. Do you think we should stop her?”
“I truly don’t believe she loves him,” I observed. “But I’m not certain what stopping the joining would do, other than making her more miserable,” I said. “Only stop her if you have some way to make her life easier here. You’ll end up with a bigger mess otherwise.”
“You think she’s unhappy here?” M’Tek asked.
“I think Ania would do almost anything to escape her life in this palace,” I replied. “You have guards on her anytime she sets foot outside these walls, and staff watching her constantly. She’s ready to explode.”
“Maybe we’ve been a little overprotective,” M’Tek observed. “I don’t want anyone taking advantage of her. She’s to inherit Faeland.”
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