“I didn’t expect to see you looking as worried as me,” Olivia said, moving to stand beside him.
Caleb laughed bitterly. “I couldn’t let you be miserable by yourself,” he said.
“What are you miserable about? Your hot boyfriend was all over you when you came down here. Now he’s over there being perfect fatherhood material.” She waved to where Ethan was letting himself be pinned down by two girls under five.
“Exactly. This is just until we go home. And then… I’m scared about what happens after that, because I’m pretty sure it won’t end in happily ever after.”
“Ah.” Olivia sighed. “So we’re both screw-ups. At least I never have to wonder if I’m adopted.”
“Oh, you are adopted. Mom and Dad told me we were going to get a puppy, and I’ve never been more disappointed in my life.” Caleb grinned. Olivia slapped his arm, which he felt he deserved.
“So I’m thinking I don’t want to go through with this,” she said after another moment. “I mean, I feel guilty as hell for dragging everyone out here only to get cold feet, but…”
“It’s the rest of your life. Anyone who doesn’t understand that isn’t your friend.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re not about to piss them all off.” Olivia drew her bare toes through the sand in front of her, drawing a deep line.
“You’re not getting cold feet about getting cold feet, are you?” Caleb raised an eyebrow.
“No.” Olivia sighed again. “Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve made so many mistakes.”
Caleb swallowed. “The baby?”
“I’m not sure if that’s a mistake. I’m not… totally sure what I want, but I guess I gotta figure that out soon, too.”
“Well…” Caleb hesitated. He knew what he wanted to say, but was afraid he’d sway his sister’s decision by saying it. “Obviously, you should do whatever feels right to you with your own body, but I’d take it. If you didn’t want to raise it. Or even just part time, if you wanted.”
Olivia turned to look at him. “You’d voluntarily take on a baby?”
“Your baby.” Caleb shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe I’d be a terrible dad and maybe I’m just really lonely. But you’re one of two people in the world who I really, truly love. The baby could be number three. Not that I’d judge you if you didn’t want to go through a whole pregnancy. I understand they suck.”
“You have no idea,” Olivia said. “But I think I’d like a baby. I think that’s why I figured getting married was the best option, you know? I know I don’t really seem the type either.”
“You’ll make a great mom,” Caleb said, sure it was true. Olivia would do her best for any child, and her best was amazing.
“Well, for what it’s worth, you’d make a great dad, too. So would he.” Olivia nodded to Ethan. “He’s the other person, isn’t he?”
“Yes.” Caleb looked down at his feet. “And I hate myself for ruining everything with him by bringing him here. I should have manned up and come on my own. I just didn’t want everyone looking at me like I was pathetic. I wanted to have a good boyfriend for once.”
“Is there some reason he can’t be your boyfriend?” Olivia asked. “Because he seems to be into the idea.”
“He’s finding himself. Experimenting. I’m safe to do that with, and that’s the only reason he’s interested. Once we’re home, I’ll get to watch him screw his way through Baltimore and I’ll smile at all his date stories and die inside a little more every time.”
“That’s grim, Cay.”
“Grim is actually my middle name.”
“Your middle name is Michael,” Olivia said.
“No, I had it changed. Kind of reverse nominative determinism.”
“Nominative determinism?” Olivia raised an eyebrow.
“It’s like when a guy whose last name is Cook becomes a chef.”
Olivia snorted. “I know what it means. I just didn’t know you felt this sorry for yourself.”
“I didn’t actually change my name,” Caleb defended.
“I know. I just… think you’re giving up too easy. Maybe I’m not in the best place right now and maybe I’ve got no business commenting on relationships, but if someone was looking at me the way Ethan looks at you? I’d be running away with them. Just saying.”
Caleb looked over at Ethan again, waving when he caught his eye. Ethan made him smile involuntarily whenever he saw him. In a way, he hated himself for being so stupid about him. The rest of the time, he just wanted to feel as though maybe there was a chance.
There was a whole world of difference between wanting something to be true and it actually being true, though. Caleb knew that. He just wished his heart knew it as well.
“So when are you going to tell Payton it’s all over?”
“Nice subject change.” Olivia sipped the glass of orange juice she was holding. “I don’t know yet. I don’t wanna leave him at the altar or anything, but I also don’t want to break his heart.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?” Caleb offered. He wouldn’t have any trouble telling Payton his sister wasn’t interested, especially since he didn’t like him in the first place.
Olivia shook her head. “No. I have to do this myself. I just need a little more time.”
“Well, I don’t mean to rush you or anything, but you are getting married tomorrow. You’re kind of running out of time.”
“I know. I know, okay? You’re not the only one who’s scared about the future right now. I’ll figure something out. And you’re not gonna say anything to anyone, right?”
“Right,” Caleb agreed, deciding not to mention that he’d already told Ethan about it. Ethan wasn’t going to tell a soul. He understood the concept of a secret, even if he hadn’t been directly told it was a secret.
Olivia leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thank you. For taking me aside when you did and for encouraging me to do this. I will do it. Promise.”
“I want you to be happy. That’s all,” Caleb said. “One of us ought to be.”
“Both of us ought to be,” Olivia corrected. “You should talk to Ethan. Seriously. At least be sure what you both want before deciding for him.”
“Maybe,” Caleb agreed, fully intending to ignore his sister’s advice. One problem at a time was more than enough to solve, and Ethan was definitely a more complex problem than one talk could solve.
Once Olivia was okay and they were back home, then maybe Caleb could worry about what he really wanted from Ethan, and whether there was even the slimmest chance Ethan would want the same from him.
For the time being, he could watch Ethan enjoying himself and pretend the little fantasy they were living right now was real. Maybe that would be enough for him when Ethan inevitably moved on.
Chapter Fifteen
“Nice night, huh?” Ethan sat down next to Caleb, handing him a beer. They’d spent most of the night apart, and that was Ethan’s doing. Not because he was having second thoughts or didn’t want to be close to Caleb, but because he was worried that Caleb would need some space.
Judging by the way Caleb lit up when he saw him, though, he might have given him a little too much space. This was all new to him, all way harder than he’d imagined it would be. Not because Caleb was a man, necessarily—that part had come easily enough, much to Ethan’s surprise—but because Caleb was his friend.
A friend he wouldn’t have traded for anything in the world. Ethan was afraid that despite Caleb’s constant, enthusiastic reassurance that everything was okay and that this was no big deal, he was risking screwing things up between them.
But then Caleb kept smiling at him like he was the most important person in the world, and he couldn’t bring himself to call an end to it. They only had two days left after tonight, but Ethan wanted this to stretch on forever.
Or at least, he thought that was what he wanted. Actually knowing would have made things a whole lot easier. Too easy, he supposed. Life was meant to be hard.
“It’s b
eautiful.” Caleb took the beer from him and cracked it open. “I see why they call this paradise.”
Ethan laughed at that. “Yeah, well. Maybe we can come back sometime. Or go somewhere else like this.”
“Maybe,” Caleb agreed. “So I’m not the worst vacation companion ever?”
Ethan shook his head, sipping his beer. “Not even close to the worst. I’ve had a great time, man. Glad I volunteered to come.”
Caleb sighed and shuffled a little closer, resting his head on Ethan’s shoulder. “I’m glad you did, too. This has been a much better experience than it might have been because of you. When we get back, I owe you a million dinners.”
“Well, considering what you’ve done for me, I think we’re pretty even.” Ethan hesitated for a moment, then gave in to the urge to put his arm around Caleb’s shoulder. Caleb sighed another tiny, content sigh that made Ethan’s heart swell in his chest.
“Olivia isn’t going through with the wedding,” Caleb said after a moment. “Which is a secret, but I think you know that. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s keeping the baby.”
“So you’re about to be an uncle?” Ethan asked. It wasn’t hard to imagine Caleb stepping into that role. He’d be the cool uncle who bought you beer and told your mom that you were definitely studying at his house while you were actually at a party.
“I guess. Which is kind of exciting. I don’t know if I want my own kids, but I would like to babysit Olivia’s.”
“Yeah, well, count me in for helping out with that. I like kids.”
“I noticed.” Caleb laughed. “You were very cute playing with them earlier. Even Olivia was swooning at the sight.”
Ethan blushed, looking down at his knees. “I just figured they usually get left out. And I’m an outsider too, so…”
“You’re not an outsider,” Caleb said. “There are two people on this whole island I’d deliberately choose to spend time with, and you’re one of them.”
“And Olivia is the other?”
Caleb nodded. “I know I don’t see her much, but I wish I did. I have this fantasy that she’ll move closer and we can all go for walks in the park on weekends. I’d like to actually have a family, y’know? And that doesn’t mean two-point-five kids and a picket fence and a husband who works in accounting or something. I just want to have a few people I can count on.”
“I…” Ethan swallowed. “I’d like to be one of those people.”
His heart pounded in his chest as he got the words out, panic that he’d given too much away threatening to overwhelm him. His and Caleb’s arrangement had been very clear—this was until they stepped on the plane home, and it wouldn’t go any further. He didn’t want to break that, and he didn’t even really know if he wanted to break that. All Ethan really knew, right now, was that he wanted Caleb in his life.
What he was starting to suspect was that he wanted Caleb in his life as his partner, not just his friend. The whole thing was confusing, and Ethan had no way of knowing what it all meant. He’d never felt like this before.
He was starting to think that this was what love felt like.
That was a scary thought, so he was pointedly ignoring it. He couldn’t ignore it forever, though.
Caleb laughed, the sound ringing out louder than Ethan had expected. “You already are one of those people. You’re already family to me. I thought you knew that.”
“Uh. I guess not.” Ethan couldn’t stop himself from smiling a tiny, shy smile. “But I’m honored. And I guess you’re family to me, too.”
“Good, because that would have been really embarrassing otherwise.” Caleb grinned, draining the last of his beer and then setting the bottle aside.
Ethan looked out at the ocean for a few moments, listening to the waves crash on the shore and the bursts of laughter coming from the remains of the party. Everyone with kids had already gone home, leaving a much smaller, younger crowd behind. It was nice. He got why Caleb didn’t like family gatherings, but his family knew how to plan a fun gathering. Or at least, his sister did.
“Would it be weird if I kissed you?” Ethan asked after a minute or so of silence.
“Let’s not deal in weird and not weird,” Caleb said. “I’m not going to push you away, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I guess that’s what I’m asking.” Ethan reached out to turn Caleb’s face toward him, leaning in close and pausing, just for a heartbeat, before touching their lips together. He couldn’t help the tiny, satisfied sigh that broke free from deep in his chest, or the smile that spread across his face as he backed away again.
At least Caleb was smiling, too.
“I like the way you kiss,” Caleb said. “You’re very gentle.”
“I like the way you kiss, too,” Ethan said. Caleb was cautious one moment and demanding the next, but he did like that. He liked feeling desirable, and that was exactly how Caleb made him feel.
Caleb rubbed his cheek against Ethan’s shoulder and settled in again. Ethan was tempted to ask him if he wanted to go back to their room, but there was plenty of time for that. If they were getting up at three in the morning anyway, they might as well stay up all night and nap before the wedding.
If there was going to be a wedding, which Caleb seemed to think there wasn’t. Whatever Olivia was going to do, she’d need to do it soon.
In any case, this was nice. The sex was great and all, and Ethan definitely wanted to try that again before they went home, if Caleb was interested, but just sitting on the beach next to him was good, too. Better than good.
It was stupid to think that Caleb might fall for someone like him, but Ethan was just about ready to admit that he wished he would. He’d take care of Caleb. He’d look after him and treat him right and remember his birthday and not end up in bed with someone else.
“Do you want to sleep before we have to be up in four hours, or are you okay?” Caleb asked after a few minutes of silence.
“I kinda like it here,” Ethan said. “We can sleep when we’re dead.”
“I was thinking we could sleep after the disaster the wedding is definitely going to be, at this rate. I don’t know if I can keep my eyes open until I’m dead.”
“That sounds good, too.”
“Then let’s sit here a little longer and head back later. I would like to shower before I have to be around people again.”
“I could help with that,” Ethan said, grinning. If he couldn’t have Caleb after this was over, he meant to make the most of it while they were here.
Caleb chuckled, shifting just a little closer to Ethan’s body. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
Chapter Sixteen
Ethan jumped on him the moment they were behind closed doors, and Caleb couldn’t bring himself to object. The sensible part of him knew that he should be trying to gently wind down their arrangement, but the part of him that just wanted to be loved clung to Ethan’s shoulders as he pressed Caleb up against the wall.
This was too good to give up ahead of time, and Caleb wasn’t going to do it.
Ethan kissed him hard this time, gentle teasing gone and pure lust in its place. That felt so good. Having Ethan, of all people, lusting after him was everything Caleb had ever wanted.
Caleb moaned eagerly into Ethan’s mouth, happy to go along with whatever he wanted. He could feel himself getting hard as Ethan pinned him in place, reveling in the heat and weight of Ethan’s body against his own.
“Is this okay?” Ethan asked between kisses. Caleb loved that about him. He loved that Ethan was always checking, always careful to make sure they were both still having fun. In someone else it might have been frustrating, but Caleb understood that it was just the way Ethan was. Considerate down to his bones.
Ethan had probably never hurt anyone in his life. Certainly not on purpose.
“This is great,” Caleb murmured. “What can I do for you?”
Ethan smiled shyly. “Actually, I wanted to do something for you.” He glanced down, though Caleb wasn’
t sure whether he was looking away, or looking at something.
“You really don’t have to.”
Ethan looked up again. “But I want to.”
Then, suddenly, he fell to his knees. Caleb looked down at him, swallowing thickly. The position, combined with the way Ethan was looking up at him, was unmistakable.
“Oh.” Caleb licked his lips. “I… that’s really not something you need to do for me.”
“But you’d like it if I did, right?”
“Yes,” Caleb admitted. He felt guilty even saying it, but Ethan was looking at him with his stupid puppy eyes, and he couldn’t lie to him. He wasn’t in the habit of asking for what he wanted, but Ethan had asked. Besides, this was something he’d almost certainly never done before, and that was supposed to be the point of their arrangement.
Ethan’s whole face lit up with a smile. “Good. You’re gonna have to direct me a little, here.”
“You might wanna start with my pants,” Caleb said.
Ethan laughed. “Yeah, about that,” he began as he pushed Caleb’s t-shirt up. “You’re the only person I’ve ever met who owns shorts that have a zip fly. What’s wrong with elastic waists?”
“A little tailoring does wonders for the way your ass looks. I have to make the most of everything I’ve got,” Caleb explained, trying to distract himself from the way Ethan’s fingertips were tickling the skin of his belly. He gasped as Ethan flicked open the button of his fly, holding his breath while he lowered the zip and tugged so that his shorts fell to his ankles.
“I’m not qualified to make comments on asses, but I think you’re cute all the time,” Ethan said.
Caleb grabbed hold of that particular quote and immediately locked it away in his heart, where he could revisit it later when he felt like crap about this whole thing. Ethan thought he was cute. All the time.
It didn’t have to mean anything, but Caleb was desperate enough to let it mean the world to him. Maybe there was more to this than Caleb being a convenient, safe male body.
The Wedding Date Page 9