“Damn it. We will be doing the move within the next few weeks but I have trips planned for the next couple of months for the expansion. How am I supposed to leave her alone if he is out on the streets?” I asked Jason, hoping his experience would give me guidance.
“You hire an assistant to go get the contracts signed, and when you can’t, you take her with you. Plan your trips around her class schedule and make sure you are home with her at night. The building is secure and there are layers of protection around her, but you are the closest to her and I assume you will be getting closer as time goes on.” I nodded my head. “Then it’s settled. You go on with the plans for the moves and rearrange your trips out of town. I trust you, Josh, and if you need anything at all—time off, another assistant, whatever—you call me day or night. You and Emily are family to me and I take care of my own,” he replied as we stood from the table and made our way outside into the sunny and cool fall day.
“I’ll kill him before I let him get to her again. You understand that don’t you, Jason?” I tried, and failed, to keep the anger from my voice.
That sick bastard was trying to get out of jail and I’ll be damned if he ever gets to hurt Emily again.
“I know you will but, hopefully, it won’t come to that. Keep in close contact with me, Josh. I’ll let you know as soon as I know anything.”
He shook my hand and made his way toward his car as I sat at one of the tables on the sidewalk and thought of how hard this was going to be on Emily. I needed some perspective on how to handle this. Sending a text to my parents who have always given me the best advice, I let them know I was on my way back home with breakfast.
After speaking with my parents, we agree to say nothing to anyone until there is something to tell them. Giving them the possibilities without knowing the exact details can and will cause undue stress and hardship on the new families and Emily doesn’t need to look over her shoulder every time she leaves the apartment. She is just starting to open up to people and I’d do anything to keep her outlook positive and her life full of joy.
Even if I must keep secrets from her after I promised not to.
Josh and I had begun to spend more time together as he packed up his house, deciding what to bring and what to store. It was hard going through my parents’ stuff but Andrew and I decided to store some of the items until a final decision can be made and split the stuff we wanted between us. Some of their furniture was handed down through the family and Andrew wanted to give me time to decide if I wanted any of it or not.
Moving between Josh’s house, putting mine and Andrew’s stuff in storage, and Caroline’s items from the apartment to the house took a little over a week to finish. The moving company had to pick up from one location and take to another, grab furniture, and bring it back. It was quite a feat and I’m glad that it’s over.
Josh and I’d been roommates for a little over a month and so far, it had been wonderful. Jake is a bonus that I had always wanted. Being the child of an active duty soldier meant we could PCS often. My parents said owning a dog and not being able to find a place that we could live if we had to move would be harder than not owning one to begin with. I cried many tears over wanting a pet and not being able to have one.
Jake loved to cuddle on the couch, his soft fur like a blanket over my legs when he laid down with us while we watched TV. I found myself relaxing while I scratched his furry head and we got lost in our own little world. Every night since move-in day, Josh and I ate dinner and cuddled on the couch with Jake, our evenings always ending with a kiss before bed. We have yet to do anything more than kiss and my previously dormant libido was starting to wake up and take notice.
I wanted to take the next step. Not sex, but I was definitely ready for some petting and rubbing. I was unsure on how to initiate the actions. I knew Josh desired me, I could see the evidence each night before we went to bed. I could feel his hardness against my stomach as he kissed me goodnight.
Sometimes the kisses were sweet and sometimes they were aggressive, ending with our foreheads connected and harsh breaths being shared between us. Never once had he tried to touch me more than a kiss and I’d begun to wonder if we would ever get passed the stage of kissing standing up. He wouldn’t even touch me when we were on the couch, even though I gave him plenty of opportunities.
He always walked me to my bedroom door and, for a few brief moments, he held me in his arms and made me feel like everything is right with the world. His touch obliterated the harshness of my past and made me yearn for a future with him. A future where I’m able to give him the one part of myself I’ve never willingly shared with another person.
I was meeting with Dr. Sawyer today and I was anxious to discuss my fledgling desires with her. The therapeutic techniques and coping mechanisms that she had taught me to help me deal with my lingering issues have really changed the way I feel from day to day. I have reduced my anxiety meds and began a yoga class in the same gym Josh used.
For the first time in a long time, I feel like the old me. The outgoing young girl who was ready to tackle the world and change it for the better. I knew a part of me would always be broken but, for Josh, I wanted to try and put some of the pieces back together. To be stronger. To be the person he said he saw when he looked at me, not the fragile girl I’ve felt like for the last few years.
Dr. Sawyer came into her office and sat down, pulling out her leather notebook as she smiled at me. I stopped sitting on the couch after the first session, preferring to sit in the oversized leather chair she had across from her desk. I tended to start out the sessions guarded and after our hour ended, I always felt better. I cried every visit, not just about my issues, but things that I find happy and beautiful. I was always one of those girls that cried at the romance movies and sappy holiday commercials and she had grown to understand, from me, not all tears are sad ones.
“You look good, Emily. How was your weekend? I’m sorry I had to cancel your Thursday appointment. My little one had the flu and is just now able to go back to daycare.” She explained with a look of remorse on her face.
“I had a great weekend. Josh and I took Jake up to North Georgia and hiked on Saturday then spent the night at his parent’s house before we came home yesterday.” I smiled back at her, remembering how Jake had jumped into the river and decided to run up and shake all over us, spraying us with cold water droplets as he panted his happiness.
“It is so good to see you smiling. How are things going with Josh?”
“Really good. Perfect, in fact. There’s just something that I’m struggling with. I was hoping to talk to you about that.”
“This is your safe space. You know that. So, let’s hear what has your mind spinning a hundred miles an hour.” Her expression turned serious as she picked up her pen and leaned into her chair to get comfortable.
“Well, you remember how I told you about what guidelines we set up for our ‘relationship’?”
“Has something changed in that department? Has he done something to pressure you into something you aren’t ready for?”
“No. Everything is the same and that’s the problem.” I grumbled, crossing my arms in front of me and pulling my short legs into the chair to settle in for the conversation ahead. “Every night, he walks me to my room and kisses me goodnight. Never anything more than me being in his arms and him kissing me. I think I may be ready for more and don’t know how to tell him, or even show him, how I feel when he’s pressed up against me. I’m struggling with my desire for him and my fear of what’s next.” Tears leaked out from my eyes at the frustration I was feeling.
“This is perfectly natural and to be expected. Josh has given you the space to decide what comes next. Have you talked to him about how you are feeling?”
“What do I say, Dr. Sawyer? ‘Hey, Josh. Tonight, instead of us kissing before bed, how about you touch me and let me rub against you?’ Exactly how well do you think that will go over?”
“I don’t know what his exact t
houghts are, but in my opinion, he knows you were a virgin before your rape and he doesn’t want to push you. He’s giving you exactly what you need and if you need more, you will have to either speak with him or give him some hints on what you want. I don’t think being so direct is the best idea. Maybe you need to guide him into what you desire”
“I don’t know how to do that. I hadn’t even begun to really experiment with myself before the rape and I’m afraid I will freeze at the wrong time or do something to push him away. What if I ask for more and then I can’t continue? Or I freak out? I don’t want to hurt him or drive him away with my issues.” More tears flowing down my face as I reached and grabbed the tissue off her desk and wiped my eyes.
“From what you told me, Josh is okay with never having that kind of a relationship, is that correct?” I nodded my head to affirm so she continued, “Then you set the pace, Emily. If you are ready for the next level of intimacy, then be brave and give in to your instincts. Mother nature gave you everything you need to relay what you want from him. Go slow. You don’t have to jump into bed with him tonight. It may take a while before you are ready for that but if you need more from him, show him. Be the first to kiss him, gently place his hand where you want it and be ready to say stop if you need to. He knows and will understand if you have a problem. Trust him. Trust yourself.”
Inhaling a deep breath and blowing out, I let the words sink into me. I control the situation. I had the ability to show him what I need and I can stop him if it gets too much.
“You’re right. I do have the power to make what I want happen. I can say stop and I know he will. I feel silly talking about this to Maddie and Caroline and I have worried myself about this since our first kiss.” I said, my hands fidgeting in my lap, my thoughts running crazy through my head.
“Can I ask you something personal?” Dr. Sawyer’s voice breaking through the thoughts I’d allowed to overtake my head and brought me back to the present.
I shrugged my shoulders as a response as she looks across her wide desk at me. “Have you touched yourself since the rape?” her voice strong yet gentle.
It took me a moment to gather my thoughts, thinking to the times I tried and failed to get myself off. “I tried a few times without a lot of success. I think I get lost in bad memories and it shuts down my desire.” I explained, trying not to feel like a freak at 20 years old and never having had a real orgasm.
“Have you tried it thinking of Josh and only Josh? You have only negative things to associate with sex and self-exploration. Give yourself the chance to fantasize about him. What you find attractive, what your body feels when you kiss him, what you desire from him. See if you’re able to achieve the release you need to help unblock your fears. Experience the pleasure you get from masturbation and it may make your advances toward him easier. Knowing the good that can come from intimate encounters may make opening up to him, even if just a little, more comfortable.”
“I never thought about it that way but your right. Before my rape, I had kissed two boys. One in sixth grade and my boyfriend up until the start of summer that year, Brian. He and I had gotten to first base before he found a girl who was willing to go much faster than I was ready for. Thinking back on it, what we had wasn’t even close to what Josh and I have.” A smile breaking out across my face. That silly relationship I’d had in high school had progressed farther than Josh and I had, but I still felt like I had experienced more with him already than I had the entirety of my time with Brian.
“It is so good to see you happy, Emily. The fact that you are thinking about an intimate relationship, in my professional opinion, means you are getting better. How are the nightmares and anxiety attacks? Have you been doing the techniques we practiced when you are starting to feel the irritation rise?” Jotting down notes into her leather book, her eyes glanced back up at mine before she set her pen down and gave me her full attention.
“The anxiety attacks are significantly less than a few months ago, although they still happen from time to time. I’ve enjoyed taking Jake for walks around the neighborhood and have even ventured into Centennial Park so he could enjoy some off-leash time. The nightmares still happen occasionally, only they seem less… I don’t know… real anymore.” I answered with a shrug, not knowing to how to put my feelings into words.
“That makes sense. You are moving past the trauma and into happier memories, therefore, your dreams don’t have as strong a hold on your subconscious anymore. That’s amazing, Emily. Your hard work is paying off. How do you feel about going to once a week session and I’d still be on call for you if you need me? I think you will do better with spending that extra hour a week taking Jake out and enjoying the fresh air than being cooped up in here, rehashing things you are handling with grace and strength.” Dr. Sawyer smiled at me, knowing I have wanted to reduce my therapy visits for a while now.
“I like the sound of that. Jake and I could use the extra walk time!” I smiled back, looking at the clock that showed my hour was up.
“Is there anything else you want to talk about before we say goodbye until next week?” she asked, closing her leather book, folding her hands into her lap, and taking a relaxed pose.
“I just wanted to say thank you. I feel so much better since I started coming to you. Dr. Lee helped so much with my social issues and desire to hide from the world, and I am forever grateful for everything he did for Andrew and I after our parents died. I finally feel comfortable enough to tell someone what happened and feel like I am actually healing the wounds instead of tearing the scabs off each visit.” I say, my throat was thick with emotion and tears streaming down my face.
I felt like I owed my new-found lease on life to the two doctors and the idea that I had been kicking around for the last six months started to make more sense to me with each passing second.
“There is something I have thought about in passing but is starting to make more sense to me. Can I bounce something off you before I think about talking to my brother about it?”
She made the gesture to continue so I just blurted it out, “I don’t want to go to law school. The more pre-law classes I take, the more I hate the legal system.”
“Did you lose faith in the legal system or have you finally decided what you want to do with your life? Every time we meet, you speak about how your parents were so supportive of your decision to go to law school. Did you go because that’s what they would have wanted or what you want to do with your life? Think hard about that answer and remember, there are no judgments here.”
I gave myself time to really think about that answer.
Was I trying to fulfill a childhood promise to my parents?
Did I see myself arguing in a courtroom or is there something else I am passionate about?
“I guess, if I am completely honest with you, I think I enrolled in law school because I had bragged about how much I wanted to be a lawyer to my parents. It was the one thing that I thought stayed the same after they died, but I stopped wanting to be a lawyer when the drunk who killed my parents got off with two years for taking two lives. His slick lawyer pulled out a lot of legalese and he has been walking free for the last few months. I made a vow to them to get my license and make sure that people like that paid their debt to society. Truth be told, I never want to see the inside of a courtroom again.” The words fell out and the weight lifted off my shoulders.
She stood up and walked around the desk to embrace me. After pulling back from the comforting hug, she looked down at me, “Tell Andrew before you register for next semester if that’s what you’ve decided to do. You have time and options, Emily. If you want to take some time off from school and give life a chance to catch up, then do that. Always remember, your brother and all the family you have surrounded yourself with want you to be happy. Nothing more, so give yourself a break and figure out who Emily is and what she wants from life. After you have decided, go get it. Fight for what you want in this life and what’s the motto?” she asked as she ope
ned the door to an empty waiting room.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff!” I responded as I made my way to my car and headed toward the apartment. I wanted to take Jake for a walk before Josh got home and I planned to attempt to make dinner for us tonight.
I hope all those YouTube videos pay off. I would hate to ruin dinner when I hope dessert may be a little more than a kiss.
I had the garlic bread in the oven on warm and just had to boil the noodles. I was proud of the dinner I had made, using fresh herbs, tomatoes, garlic, and onions to build the sauce from scratch. I could have bought a jar but after studying videos, I felt like I could handle the basics of a spaghetti sauce. I wanted this dinner to be special and I also had wanted to start eating more at home instead of ordering out or Josh cooking for us.
The sound of his keys in the lock had Jake jumping up and running for the door to meet Josh and welcome him home. No matter how bad a day you have, the love of a dog when you return home is second to none. My heartrate began to increase the closer Josh got into the apartment, butterflies taking flight in my stomach.
“Something smells good,” Josh said as he comes into the kitchen and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek before he peeked into the simmering pot of sauce. “Is this homemade spaghetti sauce?”
The Soul That Redeems Me (The Forever Mine Series Book 3) Page 7