Appetites

by Ily Goyanes

  I’m also pretty sure that not a lot of people want to go back to that ex. Like, not even for all the money and three times your body weight in chocolate or whatever. But that was the thing about her: she didn’t need to offer me anything. She was tempting enough on her own. My ex and the one mistake I kept making over and over again: Kira Dawson.

  And what a delicious mistake she was. Was...

  Running back into her arms was a habit I seemingly could not break. She was the cigarette, the bottle of beer, and the candy cane rolled into one. None of my friends understood why; Kira had not just broken, but stamped on my heart many times over. Still, I kept running back. It seemed like I’d always run, never walk, back to Kira and the pain she caused.

  It was more complicated than it seemed, though; not just a case of me being a foolish twat over and over again. Well, maybe a little bit...but Kira meant something to me. I’d had the odd fling with a couple of girls back home, but never anything serious. When I moved to the States and met Kira...well, she was the one that blew my sexuality right open. And I loved her for that. My world shifted thanks to her.

  Then she started breaking my heart. Right in front of me, lying and cheating on me until I walked out on her. And back in on her. It was the start of a painful, long, and dragging cycle, which always ended with regret.

  And, of course, the walk of shame back home from her apartment. This morning, I’d woken up in Kira’s bed, in her place in Lower Manhattan, to find her not in bed with me. There was a note on her pillow though. How caring of her…

  Tamsin,

  Drinks in the fridge.

  Nice to see you again.

  As if I didn’t spend the night licking her out. Begging her to fuck me with that big black strap-on dildo. As if she wasn’t screaming my name loud enough for most of the building to hear. Nope. “Drinks in the fridge” and “nice to see you again”. Nothing more, nothing less.

  Kira had always been distant, but in the last few weeks it was like she wasn’t even around anymore. She floated in and out of my life, never failing to leave her mark, whether with her words on my heart or with her whip on my willing ass.

  Leaving her apartment, I took a deep breath. New York in early springtime on a Monday morning—the watery sun had come out of hiding. There were blooms on the trees, slowly opening up. Somewhere in the familiar smell of diesel and hot dog carts was a stirring of spring. It was a nice thing to hold on to in the commuter rush to the office.

  Being in the office was a relief of some sort. It’s bad when your office becomes your sort of safe haven, but that’s what it was. As I put my bag down and turned on my laptop, my best friend and co-worker Frankie bounded through the door.

  “You’ve been at Kira’s, haven’t you?” she said, brushing her hand through her pixie cut. “I tried to call you! You never take your phone with you when you go over to her place!”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to stave off a headache. “If this is the Monday where we stop saying ‘hello, how are you?’ to each other, then forgive me for missing the office memo.”

  “See, I knew it! You always sound posher when you’ve been with her. Like your accent is masking your guilt,” said Frankie, handing me a coffee and sitting down at my desk.

  “I don’t feel...Well, yes, I do feel a bit guilty. But how would you feel if you hadn’t seen your girlfriend in three weeks?”

  “Tam, my girlfriend’s been in Canada for three months now. I’m so horny, I could hump a tree right now. Also, when the hell did she get back her girlfriend card? And three weeks? Where has she been?”

  “Right, okay, can we not have this discussion right now? You said you tried to call me. Any news from London?”

  “Yes, they said we’re okay to email the pitch to the guy who was the head of the UK campaign, and he’d get back to us by the end of the day. If he approves, I think we’re in the clear to do our presentation.”

  I breathed a massive sigh of relief. For the past five months, Frankie and I had been working our asses off on the US launch of a sportswear brand called Cambridge Athletics. If the pitch for the ad campaign went as planned, our little company wouldn’t be so little anymore.

  “Okay. That coffee better be on tap because we’re going to need it.”

  As Frankie went to get her stuff from her desk, my heart skipped a beat. We were on the brink of something huge. No room for errors. When my phone rang, I decided to ignore and press on. I knew it was her, and she could stand to wait.

  Unfortunately, Kira didn’t quite know how to...

  ***

  “Don’t answer it.”

  This time, Frankie didn’t even look up from her keyboard. I couldn’t blame her. Six missed calls in the space of two hours. When the ringing stopped, Frankie sighed, leaning back in her chair.

  “Can’t you turn your phone off? I’m sure she'll get the hint.”

  “I can’t. I’m waiting for a call.”

  “Are you really waiting for a call? Who from?”

  I scrambled to think of anyone who could call me. “The...the guy coming to fix my…my radiator, yes. I’m waiting to hear from the radiator fixer guy.”

  Now it was Frankie’s turn to pinch the bridge of her nose. I couldn’t blame her. It was a terrible excuse.

  “Sure, Tam, the radiator fixer guy. Now, if you can look at this paragraph for a minute. I’m not sure about the phrasing of—oh, for fuck’s sake!”

  My phone rang again. I checked it, as if the sounds of the “She Is a Devil Woman” ringtone didn’t completely give me away. “Oh, it’s him. I need to—”

  Frankie waved her hand as I bolted out of the room. Not one of my proudest moments.

  “Kira, I’m at work. What do you want?” I snipped, sitting down on a stair in the hallway.

  “You. On your knees in my bedroom. Your cunt, wet for me.”

  I tried to ignore the flush warming my face. “I’m at work. I’m trying to finish a huge project.”

  “Come over tonight. I’ve been missing you.”

  “You saw me last night, remember?”

  “I know. I can still taste you on my tongue. Come and refresh my memory, my girl.”

  “What, before you bolt off again for another three weeks?”

  There was a sudden, uncomfortable silence on the other end of the line. For a moment I thought she’d hung up on me in a fit of pique.

  “Kira? I mean, right, what time?”

  A few minutes later, I walked back into my office, unable to face Frankie.

  “Getting your pipes seen to then?” she said, not looking up from her screen. She didn’t have to. I knew what she was thinking. Kira Dawson is bad for you. Deep down in my gut, I’ve known that for an eternity.

  But still, try and stop an addict in their habits...

  ***

  “On your knees.”

  From the devilish look in her eyes, she wasn’t kidding around. The hardwood floor in Kira’s flat was always a bastard to kneel on, but I’d become so used to the pain that I no longer cared. I just anticipated, slowly slipping into that deep space of play.

  “Hands behind your back and look up at me. That’s a good girl. You’ve got such beautiful eyes.”

  “Thank you, Mistress.”

  “And you obey so well. Are you going to make your Mistress proud, my girl?”

  “Anything for you, Mistress.”

  “Good. Hold still while I get the ropes. Tell me how your day was.”

  I blinked. Kira rarely ever asked me about my day, even when we were in play mode.

  “Tell me how your day was,” she repeated, while uncoiling a knot of rope lying on her kitchen counter. “You said you’d been busy with an account.”

  “Er, yes, Mistress. Frankie and I been trying to launch Cambridge Athletics in the US. It’s been going really well.”

  “Hands up.”

  Kira tied my wrists together behind my back as I continued filling her in on the Cambridge Athletics account. I wasn�
��t sure if she’d ever asked me about work, but a part of me felt pleased she was now.

  “Now, because you’ve been such a busy girl, I’m going to reward you.” Kira unzipped her trousers and revealed a strapped-on black dildo, thick and inviting. “Mistress is going to let you suck her cock. You like that, don’t you, sucking my gorgeous cock?”

  “Yes, Mistress, I do like sucking your gorgeous cock.”

  “Good girl. While you please me, I’ll have a long and hard think about what I want to do to you next. And if you’re a good girl, you may even get to pick how I fuck you tonight. But only if you’re a good girl. And you know who decides that?”

  “You do, Mistress.”

  “I do indeed. Such a clever one, you are. Now, open up.”

  Kira’s fingers caressed my cheek as I opened my mouth. It was her way of reassuring me that everything was going to be fine, just before we start playing. Then, she pushed the tip of her dildo in my mouth.

  “Suck.”

  And my god, did I ever suck with everything I had in me. I always did. I wanted to be a good girl for her. When Kira was in Mistress Mode, she was caring and loving and had only the best in mind for me. But maybe that was because she knew that I’d in turn have only the best in mind for her...

  “Oh, you’ve got such a good mouth, my girl. Keep sucking.”

  Although I wasn’t allowed, I chanced it and took a glance at Kira’s face. Usually she kept a steady eye on me, making sure I was obeying and not looking back at her. But tonight, that wasn’t the case. Tonight, Kira seemed lost in her own pleasure, too busy moaning and twisting her fingers in my hair. Suck it, she cried, over and over again like a mantra.

  Eventually, she retreated. “Good girl,” she said, stroking my hair. “Would you like me to fuck you hard and make you come?”

  “Yes, please, Mistress.”

  We went through the same steps we’d danced a thousand times before. It was a well-practised routine in which Kira untied me, undressed me, and lay me face down on the bed.

  “Put your ass in the air.” she ordered, before her hand wreaked smacks upon my bum cheeks. She wouldn’t be happy until she’d achieved the right shade of rosy red. I willed myself to stay still. Every time she uttered the words “my good girl,” it made me want to go longer, press harder, get wetter, and get ready for my reward.

  The thrum of my clit, in tune with her hand, became almost unbearable. In my head, I begged her to just take me and give me some relief from this sweet agony.

  “Such a gorgeous shade of red. Can you feel it? My sting?”

  “Yes, Mistress. Thank you, Mistress.”

  When she finally entered me, filling me up with the thick dildo, it was a kind of sweet relief. No matter the intensity of our playing, it always felt like weight falling off my shoulders. The feel of her, the sound of her, the smell of our sex in the air. It was intoxicating.

  Afterwards, she held me in her arms and told me how good I was and how much she loved me. And always for a moment, I believed her. I believed that everything was alright. And I cherished those moments. At least I would have something to remind me that it wasn’t always painful.

  Sometimes, it was even beautiful.

  ***

  “Yes, Duncan, I’ve been tying up everything with the office. I should be good to go in a couple of days.”

  At first I didn’t remember where I was. My eyes had a hard time focusing in the early morning light. The sounds weren’t helping either, and for a moment I thought Mrs. Collins from next door was having another argument with her cat.

  “You are asking a lot from me, but I know it’s worth it.”

  That couldn’t be right. No note from Kira on the bed. Instead, there was Kira in the doorway of her bedroom, on the phone to god-knows-who. I tried not to make a sound as I watched her gesticulating to her phone.

  “Jesus, Duncan. I’ve got to go. I’ll talk to you when I get to the office.”

  She hung up the phone, sighing and bracing herself against the doorpost. She shook her head and whispered something that sounded like ‘God, I haven’t got any time...’

  Then she clocked me.

  “Tamsin. Hi. Did I wake you up?”

  “Yeah, you kind of did. But that’s okay. I need to be up anyway,” I said, sitting up and stretching. “How come you’re not at work?”

  Kira sat down on the bed. “I was on my way out when I got a phone call. Work-related. I can take care of it when I get there, don’t worry.”

  There was a silence in the air, as I shifted next to her and took her hand. “You’re not in trouble, are you? You know you can tell me, right?”

  It was a bit of a futile attempt. Kira rarely talked about her job, even when we were a couple. All I knew was that she had a high-powered position and she was damn good at it—or so she claimed.

  “I’m okay, don’t worry. Get yourself dressed, my girl. I wouldn’t want you to be late for work. Not with all that important stuff going on right now. Do you want some coffee?”

  “No, I’m fine. I’ll have some at work... which I am now running twenty minutes late for. Shit! Goddammit, Kira! You could have just woke me up, you know!”

  She muttered a quiet sorry, looking on in mild shock as I raged through her room, getting dressed. I pinched my eyes closed, trying to will time to go back an hour, but that wouldn’t ever work. Twenty minutes late for work, half an hour of a commute still to go. And, knowing Frankie, several pissed voice mail messages.

  ***

  It turned out pissed didn’t even begin to cover it. As soon as I set foot into the small office, Frankie was on me like a bear on its prey.

  “Had fun with the radiator repair man?” she snapped, making sure she closed the door to my office before she did so. “He must have been busy to keep you from coming into work on time this morning!”

  “Frankie, calm down!”

  “You know, Tam, I would have thought this whole thing was a bit more important to you than just another go on Kira’s Black Dildo Fun Ride. But apparently, Dildo Dawson comes before the five months of late nights and hard work we’ve put in! Fucking hell, Tam!”

  Frankie sat herself down in her chair, sighing. She collected herself, before continuing. “Jack Monroe, the head of the UK campaign, emailed us back. We’re good to go, this Friday at 10 a.m.”

  It took a few seconds before her words properly sank in. “Wow,” I said. “That’s, that’s freaking huge.”

  “I know. Jack is even flying over from the UK to sit in. He says he wants to personally congratulate us when we sign the contract.”

  “Jack’s coming?”

  “He’s taking the red eye from London to be here on time. Do you realize what this means, Tamsin?”

  I realized all too well what that meant. Jack Monroe never took a red eye flight anywhere. No matter the reason. I’d heard he’d once declined flying to meet Donald Trump because it wasn’t worth getting up at four in the morning on a Sunday for.

  “We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

  “Exactly. So don’t go running off to Kira whenever she beckons you.”

  The words had barely left Frankie’s mouth before that ringtone started playing again. There was a moment of tension, in which a world of thoughts sped through my mind. I could just tell her I’m busy. She’d understand, right? She said she cared, didn't she?

  Then again, she’d let me be late for work this morning. With a pleased nod from Frankie, I declined the call and switched off my phone. It felt like a small victory.

  ***

  “We’ve rehearsed it, tweaked it, and practically ingested it. It’s safe to say we’re ready.”

  Frankie sighed with relief. It was one day before our presentation, and to celebrate that we’d finished working our asses off, we’d gone for coffee and cakes. And air, because the office was getting mighty stifling.

  “So, how’s your phone been? Flooded with lusty messages, I’m assuming?”

  “Don’t get me started,
” I said, pricking my fork into a slice of red velvet cake.

  “Fifteen missed calls when I turned it on last night. And that was just yesterday.”

  “Well, maybe it’s good for her to learn a lesson. You’re not always ready and willing to cater to her needs. She needs to accept that.”

  “Maybe it’s the nature of our relationship,” I started, before trailing off. I’d spotted someone familiar near the counter. An imposing figure, bald and extremely broad shouldered.

  “Don’t we know him?” I said to Frankie, pointing him out. “You wouldn’t forget a face like that really.”

  “Then I’m surprised you did,” she said, waving at him. The man nodded in recognition and walked over.

  “You remember Duncan from Wheeler-Grantham, right? We went to that fundraiser for their apprentice lawyer scheme last year.”

  “And what a night it was!” said Duncan. “We had a pretty good crop. We’ve actually just said goodbye to our most successful one.”

  “It’s always a shame when someone you’ve nurtured moves on,” I said.

  “Yes, but I wish her all the best. Very brave, moving to Brussels and all that. I’m sure Ms. Dawson will do a bang-up job there.”

  A sudden and unsettling feeling crept up on me, like some horribly big insect in the desert. What was the guy’s name, the one she was talking to on the phone? It couldn’t have been this Duncan, surely.

  “Ms. Dawson?” I said, my voice uneven. Frankie caught the look of dread in my eye, her mouth forming a perfect O.

  “Yes, Kira’s our star. Now she’s going all the way across the— Have I said something wrong?”

  I was already up from my seat, jacket in hand. I could just about hear Frankie calling out, “Tamsin, don’t!”

  But I had to go. I owed it to myself to see if this was for real.

  ***