Myth-Nomers & Im-Pervections

by Robert Asprin

  The Djin leaned back and cocked an eyebrow at me.

  "Well, your mood seems to have improved, I was under the impression you might want to talk about the Butterfly's advice this afternoon."

  As soon as he spoke, my current bubble of levity popped and my earlier depression slammed into me like a fist. Without thinking I drained half the contents of my glass.

  "I don't know, Kalvin. I've got a lot of respect for the Butterfly, and I'm sure he meant well, but what he said has raised a lot of questions in my mind...questions I've never really asked myself before."

  I topped off my glass casually, hoping the Djin wouldn't notice how fast I was drinking the stuff.

  "Questions like...?"

  "Well, like...What are friends...really? On the rare occasions the subject comes up, all people seem to talk about is the need to be needed. All of a sudden I'm not sure I know what that means."

  Somehow, my glass had gotten empty again. I refilled it as I continued.

  "The more I look at it, the more I think that if you really need your friends, it's either a sign of weakness or laziness. You either need or want people to do your thinking for you, or your fighting for you, or whatever. Things that by rights you should be able to do for yourself. By rights, that makes you a parasite, existing by leeching off other people's strength and generosity."

  I started to take a drink and realized I was empty. I suspected there was a leak in the glass, but set it aside, resolving to let it sit there for a while before I tried refilling it again.

  "On the other hand, if you don't need your friends, what good are they? Friends take up a big hunk of your time and cause a lot of heartache, so if you don't really need them, why should you bother? In a sense, if they need you, then you're encouraging them into being parasites instead of developing strength on their own. I don't know. What do you think, Kalvin?"

  I gestured at him with my glass, and realized it was full again. So much for my resolve. I also realized the pitcher was almost empty.

  "That's a rough one, Skeeve," the Djin was saying, and I tried to focus on his words. "I think everybody has to reach their own answer, though it's a rare person who even thinks to ask the question. I will say it's an over-simplification to try to equate caring about someone with weakness, just as I think it's wrong to assume that if we can learn from our friends, they're actually controlling our thinking."

  He stopped and stared at my hand. I followed his gaze and realized I was trying to fill my empty glass from an empty pitcher.

  "I also think," he sighed, "that we should definitely head back to the hotel now. Have you paid the tab? Are we square here?"

  "Thass another thing," I said, fighting to get the words out past my tongue, which suddenly seemed to have a mind of its own. "What he said about money. I haven't been using my money right."

  "For cryin' out loud, Skeeve! Lower your voice!"

  "No, really! I've got all thissh money..."

  I fumbled my moneybelt out and emptied the gold onto the table.

  "...And has it made ME happy? Has it made ANYBODY happy?"

  When no answer came, I blinked my eyes, trying to get Kalvin back into focus. When he finally spoke, he seemed to be very tense, though his voice was very quiet.

  "I think you may have just made someone happy, but I don't think it'll be you."

  That's when I noticed the whole bar was silent. Looking around, I was surprised to see how many people had come in while we were talking. It was an ugly-looking crowd, but no one seemed to be talking to each other or doing anything. They just stood there looking at me...or to be more exact, looking at the table covered with my money.

  Chapter Twelve

  "HOLY BATSHIT, FATMAN! I mean..."

  -Robin

  "I...THINK I'VE made a tactic...tad...an error," I whispered with as much dignity as I could muster.

  "You can say that again," Kalvin shot back mercilessly. "You forgot the first rule of survival: Don't tease the animals. Look, Skeeve, do you want to get out of here, or do you want to get out with your money?"

  "Want...my money." I wasn't that drunk...or maybe I was.

  The Djin rolled his eyes in exasperation.

  "I was afraid of that. That's going to be a little rougher. Okay, the first thing you do is get that gold out of sight. I don't think they'll try anything in here. There are too many witnesses, which means too many ways to split the loot."

  I obediently began to pick up the coins. My hands seemed to lack the dexterity necessary to lead them back into my moneybelt, so I settled for shoving them into my pockets as best I could.

  The bar was no longer silent. There was a low murmur going around that sounded ominous even in my condition as various knots of patrons put their heads together. Even without the dark looks they kept shooting in my direction it wasn't hard to guess what the subject of their conversation was.

  "The way I see it, if there's going to be trouble, it will hit when we leave. That means the trick is to leave without their knowing it. Order another pitcher."

  That's when I realized how much I'd already had to drink. For a moment there, I thought the Djin had said...

  "You want me to..."

  "...Order another pitcher, but whatever you do, don't drink any of it."

  That made even less sense, but I followed his instructions and gestured at the bartender who delivered another pitcher with impressive speed.

  I paid him from my pocket. "I don't get it," I said. "Why should I order a pitcher when you say I shouldn't..."

  "Shut up and listen," Kalvin hissed. "That was so everybody watching you will think you're planning to stick around for a while. In the meantime, we move."

  That made even less sense than having some more to drink.

  "But, Kalvin...most of them are between us and the door! They'll see me..."

  "Not out the front door, stupid! You see that little hallway in back? That leads to the restrooms. There's also an exit back there which probably opens into an alley. That's the route we're taking."

  "How do you know there's an exit back there?" I said suspiciously.

  "Because one of the things I do when I come into a new bar is count the exits," the Djin retorted. "It's a habit I suggest you develop if you're going to keep drinking."

  "Don't want any more to drink," I managed, my stomach suddenly rebelling at the thought.

  "Good boy. Easy now. Nice and casual. Head for the restrooms."

  I took a deep breath in a vain effort to clear my head, then stood up...or at least I tried to. Somewhere in the process, my foot got tangled in my chair and I nearly lost my balance. I managed not to fall, but the chair went over on its side noisily, drawing more than a few snickers from the roughnecks at the bar.

  "That's all right," Kalvin soothed, his voice seeming to come from a great distance. "Now just head down the hallway."

  I seemed to be very tall all of a sudden. Moving very carefully, I drew a bead on the opening to the hallway and headed in. I made it without touching the walls on either side and felt a small surge of confidence. Maybe this scheme of Kalvin's would work after all! As he had said, there was an exit door in the wall just short of the restrooms. Without being told, I changed course and pushed out into the alley, easing the door shut behind me. I was out!

  "Oops."

  I frowned at the Djin.

  "What do you mean, 'Oops!'? Didn't you say I should..."

  "Nice of you to drop by, mister!"

  That last was said by a burly Pervect, one of six actually who were blocking our path down the alley. Apparently our little act hadn't fooled everybody.

  "Skeeve, I..."

  "Never mind, Kalvin. I just figured out for myself what 'Oops' means."

  "Of course, you know this here's what you'd call a toll-alley. You got to pay to use it."

  That was the same individual talking. If he noticed me talking to Kalvin, which to him would look like talking to thin air, he didn't seem to mind or care.

  "Tha
t's right," one of his cronies chimed in. "We figure what you got in your pockets ought to just about cover it."

  "Quick! Back inside!" Kalvin hissed.

  "Way ahead of you," I murmured, feeling behind myself for the door.

  I found it...sort of. The door was there, but there was no handle on this side. Apparently the bar owners wanted it used for exits only. Terrific.

  "...The only question is: Are you gonna give it to us quietly, or are we gonna have to take it?"

  I've faced lynch mobs, soldiers, and sports fans before, but a half-dozen Pervish plug-uglies was the most frightening force I've ever been confronted with. I decided, all by myself, that this would be an excellent time to delegate a problem.

  "C'mon, Kalvin! Do something!

  "Like what? I told you I'm no good in a fight."

  "Well, do SOMETHING! You're supposed to be the Djin!"

  I guess I knew deep inside that carping at Kalvin wouldn't help matters. To my surprise, however, he responded. "Oh, all right!" he grimaced. "Maybe this will help." With that, he made a few passes with his hands and...

  ...And I was sober! Stone-cold sober!

  I looked at him.

  "That's all I can do for you," he shrugged. "From here, you're on your own. At least now you won't have to fight 'em drunk."

  The thugs were starting to pick up boards and pieces of brick from the alley.

  "Time's up!" their leader declared, starting for me.

  I smiled at Kalvin.

  "I think your analysis of friendship was only a little short of brilliant," I said, "There are a couple of points I'd like to go over, though."

  "NOW?" the Djin shrieked. "This is hardly the time to...Look out!"

  The leader of the pack was cocking his arms to take a double-handed swing at me with a piece of lumber he had acquired somewhere along the way. As the wood whistled toward its target, which is to say, my head, I made a circular gesture in the air between us with my hand...and the board rebounded as if it had struck an invisible wall!

  "Magikal ward," I informed the gape-mouthed Djin. "It's like a force field, only different. I did mention I was a magician, didn't I!"

  The gang stopped dead in their tracks at this display; a few had even retreated a few steps.

  "Oh, before I forget, thanks for the sobering-up job, Kalvin. You're right. It does make it a lot easier to focus the mind. Anyway, as I was saying, I've gotten a lot of mileage out of wards. They can be used like I just did, as a shield, or..."

  I made a few quick adjustments to the spell.

  "...You can widen them out into a wall or a bubble. Coming?"

  I had expanded the ward and was now starting to push the gang back down the alley ahead of us. It was a minor variant of the trick I used to break up a fight at the Big Game a while back, so I had reason to have confidence in it. I figured we would just walk out of the alley keeping the thugs at a respectful distance, then hail a cab to get us the heck out of there.

  The gang leader had turned and trotted out ahead of the others a few paces.

  "Cute. Real cute," he called, turning to face me again. "Hadn't figured you for magik. Well, let's see how you handle this, wise guy!"

  With that, he pulled what looked like a couple of blackboard erasers from the pocket of his jacket. At first, I thought he was going to try to throw them at me, but instead he clapped them together over his head, showering himself with what appeared to be white chalk dust. It would have been funny...if he hadn't looked so grim as he started for me again.

  Just to be on the safe side, I doubled up on the ward in front of him...and he walked right through it!

  "That's what I thought!" he called to his cronies, pausing once he had penetrated my defenses. "Real low level stuff. Go to Class Two or heavier, guys...in fact, the heavier the better!"

  I should have seen it coming...maybe would have if I had more time to think. In a dimension that used both magik and technology, there were bound to be counter-magik spells and weapons available. Unfortunately, it seemed I was about to learn about them first hand!

  The other gang members were all reaching into their pockets and producing charms or spray cans. I had a bad feeling that my magikal ward wasn't going to protect me much longer. Apparently Kalvin was of the same opinion.

  "Quick, Skeeve! Have you got any other tricks up your sleeve?"

  "I've always figured that, in times of crisis, it's best to play through your strongest suit. Still hoping to avoid any actual violence, I pulled my energy out of the wards and threw it into a new disguise: an over-muscled Pervect easily half again as tall as I really was.

  "Do you boys really want me to get rough?" I shouted, trying as best as I could to make my voice a threatening bass.

  I had thought of making myself look like a policeman, but had discarded the idea. With my luck they probably would have surrendered, and then what would I have done with them? I wanted them to run...as far out of my life as possible!

  It didn't work.

  I had barely gotten the words out when a large chunk of brick ripped through the air just over my head...passing through what would have been the chest of the disguised me.

  "Disguise spell!" the thrower called. "Go for him like we saw him before!"

  To say the least, I figured it was time for the better part of valor. Trying to keep my mind under control, which is harder to do than it sounds with half a dozen bully-boys charging down on you, I slapped on a levitation spell and took to the skies.

  ...At least, I tried to.

  I was barely airborne when a vise-like grip closed on my ankle.

  "I've got him!"

  The grip hurt, which made it difficult to concentrate on my spell. Then, too, it seemed the day had taken a lot more out of me than I had realized. Normally, I can, and have, levitated as many as two people besides myself...count that as three since one of them was Massha. In the scramble of the moment, however, I was hard pressed to lift myself and the guy who was holding my ankle. I struggled to get him into the air, then something bounced off my head and...

  The ground slammed into me at an improbable angle, and for a moment, I saw stars. The pressure seemed to be gone from my ankle, but when I opened my eyes, the leader was standing over me with his trusty board in his hands.

  "Nice try, wise guy!" he sneered." But not good enough. Now give me the..."

  Suddenly he went sprawling as someone piled into him from behind.

  "Quick, Mr. Skeeve! Get up!"

  It took me a moment to realize it was the street vendor I had spoken to that morning. He crouched over me, facing down the circling gang.

  "Hurry up! I can't hold these guys off by myself!"

  I wasn't sure I could get up if I wanted to, but at this point I was willing to abandon any hopes of a non-violent solution to our problems. Propping myself up on one elbow, I reached out with my mind, grabbed a garbage can, and sent it sailing through the gang's formation.

  "What the..."

  "Look out!"

  If they wanted physical, I'd give it to them. I mentally grabbed two more trash cans and sent them into the fray, keeping all three flying back and forth in the narrow confines of the alley.

  "Cripes! I'm on your side! Remember?" the street vendor cried, ducking under one of my missiles.

  I summoned up a little more energy and threw a ward over the two of us. Somehow, I didn't think anyone had thought to use their anti-magik stuff on a garbage can.

  A few more swings with the old trash cans, and it was all over.

  Heaving a ragged breath, I dropped the ward and brought my makeshift weapons to a halt. Four of my attackers lay sprawled on the ground, and the other two had apparently taken to their heels.

  "Nice work, Skeeve," Kalvin crowed, appearing from wherever it was he had taken cover when the fracas started.

  "Are you all right, Mr. Skeeve?" the street vendor asked, extending a hand to help me to my feet.

  "I think so...yes...thanks to you...J.R., isn't it?"
<
br />   "That's right. I was walkin' home when I saw these jokers pilin' into you. It looked a little uneven, so I thought I'd lend a hand. Cheez! I didn't know you wuz a magician!"

  "A mighty grateful magician right now," I said, digging into my pocket. "Here, take this. Consider it my way of saying thank you."

  "Excuse me," the Djin drawled, "but didn't we just get into this whole brawl so you could keep your money?"

  He needn't have worried. J.R. recoiled from the gold as if I had offered him poison.

  "I didn't help you for money!" he said through tight lips. "I know you don't mean...Cripes! All you rich guys are the same. You think your money...Look! I work for my money, see! I ain't no bum lookin' for a handout!"

  With that he spun on his heel and marched away, leaving me with an outstretched hand full of gold.

  It would have been a beautiful exit, if the alley hadn't suddenly been blocked by a vehicle pulling in...a vehicle with blue and red flashing lights on top.

  Chapter Thirteen

  "Who? Me, Officer?"

  -J. Dillinger

  "I STILL DON'T see why we should be detained."

  It seemed like hours that we had been at the police station, we being myself, J.R., and, of course, Kalvin, though the police seemed unaware of the latter's existence and I, in turn, was disinclined to tell them. Despite our protests, we had been transported here shortly after the police had arrived. The thugs had been revived and placed in a separate vehicle, though I noticed they were handled far less gently than we were. Still, it was small consolation to being held against our will.

  "You don't? Well, then we'll have to go over it all again slowly and see if you can get a hint."

  This was spoken by the individual who had been conducting our interrogation since we arrived. From the deferential way the other policemen treated him, I assumed he was a ranking officer of some sort. He possessed bad breath, a foul disposition, and what seemed to be an endless tolerance for repetition. As he launched into his oration, I fought an impulse to chant along with the now familiar words.

  "We could charge you with Being Drunk in Public."