Myth-Nomers & Im-Pervections

by Robert Asprin

  "I'm stone cold sober," I interrupted, thanking my lucky stars for Kalvin's assistance. "If you don't believe it, test me."

  "There are a lot of witnesses who said you were falling down drunk in the bar."

  "I tripped over a chair."

  "Then there's the minor matter of Assault..."

  "I keep telling you, they attacked me! It was self-defense!"

  "...And Destruction of Private Property..."

  "For cryin' out loud, it was a garbage can! I'll pay for a new one if that's..."

  "...And, of course, there's Resisting Arrest."

  "I asked them where we were going. That's all."

  "That's not the way the arresting officers tell it." Realizing I was getting nowhere in this argument, I did the next most logical thing: I took out my frustration on an innocent bystander. In this case, the nearest available target happened to be J.R., who seemed to be dozing off in his chair.

  "Aren't you going to say anything?" I demanded. "You're in this too, you know."

  "There's no need," the street vendor shrugged. "It's not like we were in trouble or anything."

  "That's funny. I thought we were in a police station."

  "So what? They aren't really serious. Are you. Captain?" The Pervect who had been arguing with me shot him a dark look, but I noticed he didn't contradict what had been said.

  "I'll bite J.R.," I said, still watching the captain. "What are you seeing that I'm not in this situation?"

  "It's what isn't happening that's the tip-off," he winked. "What isn't happening is we aren't being booked. We've been here a long time and they haven't charged us with any crimes."

  "But the Captain here said..."

  "He said they could charge us with etc., etc. You notice he hasn't actually done it. Believe me, Mr. Skeeve, if they were going to jail us, we'd have been behind bars an hour ago. They're just playing games to stall for a while."

  What he said seemed incredible considering the amount of grief we were being put through, yet I couldn't find a hole in his logic. I turned to the captain and raised an eyebrow.

  "Is that true?" I said.

  The policeman ignored me, leaning back in his chair to stare at J.R. through half-closed eyes.

  "You seem to know a lot about police procedure, son. Almost as if you've been rousted before."

  A sneer spread across the street vendor's face as he met the challenge head on.

  "Anyone who works the streets gets hassled," he said. "It's how you police protect the upstanding citizens from merchants like me who are too poor to afford a storefront. I suppose it is a lot safer than taking on the real criminals who might shoot back. We should be grateful to our defenders of the law. If it wasn't for them, the dimension would probably be overrun with street vendors and parking violators."

  I should have been grateful for the diversion after being on the hot seat myself for so long. Unfortunately, I had also logged in a fair amount of time as the Great Skeeve, and as such was much more accustomed to being hassled than I was to being overlooked.

  "I believe the question was 'Are we or are we not being charged with any crimes?' " I said pointedly. "I'm still waiting for an answer."

  The captain glowered at me for a few moments, but when I didn't drop my return gaze, he heaved a sigh. "No. We won't be bringing any charges against you at this time."

  "Then we're free to go?"

  "Well, there are a few more questions you'll have to answer first. After that, you're free to..."

  "That's 'more' as in new questions, not the same ones all over again. Right?"

  The policeman glared at me, but now that I knew we were in the clear, I was starting to have fun with this.

  "That's right," he said through gritted teeth.

  "Okay. Shoot."

  I suddenly realized that was an unfortunate use of words in a room full of armed policemen, but it escaped unnoticed. The captain cleared his throat noisily before continuing. "Mister Skeeve," he began formally, "do you wish to press charges against the alleged attackers we currently have in custody?"

  "What kind of a silly question is that? Of course I want to."

  Kalvin was waving frantically at me and pointing to J.R. The street vendor was shaking his head in a slow, but firm, negative.

  "...Um...before I make up my mind on that, Captain," I hedged, trying to figure out what J.R. was thinking, "could you tell me what happens if I don't press charges?"

  "We can probably hold onto them until tomorrow morning for questioning, but then we'll let them go."

  That didn't sound like particularly satisfying treatment for a gang that had tried to rob me. Still, J.R. seemed to know what he was doing so far, and I was disinclined to go against his signaled advice.

  "...And if I DO press charges?" I pressed, trying to sort it out.

  "I'm not a judge," the captain shrugged, "so I can't say for sure...but I can give you my best guess."

  "Please."

  "We'll charge them with Attempted Robbery and Assault with Intent To Do Great Bodily Harm...I don't think we could make Attempted Murder stick."

  That sounded pretty good to me, but the policeman wasn't finished.

  "...Then the court will appoint a lawyer--if they don't already have one--who will arrange for bail to be set. They'll probably raise the money from a bondsman and be back on the streets before noon tomorrow."

  "What? But they..."

  "It'll take a couple of months for the trial to be scheduled, at which point it'll be your word against theirs...and they're not only locals, they have you outnumbered."

  I was starting to see the light.

  "...That is, if it gets to trial. More than likely there'll be some plea bargaining, and they'll plead guilty to a lesser charge, which means a smaller sentence with an earlier parole--if the sentence isn't suspended as soon as it's handed down..."

  "Whoa! Stop! I think I'll just pass on pressing charges."

  "Thought you would," the captain nodded. "It's probably the easiest way for everybody. After all, you weren't hurt, and you've still got your money."

  "Of course, the next person they jump may not be quite so lucky" I said drily.

  "I didn't say it was the best way to handle it, just the easiest."

  Before I could think of a witty answer to that one, a uniformed policeman rapped at the doorframe, entered the room, and passed a sheet of paper to the captain. Something about the way the latter's lips tightened as he scanned the sheet made me nervous.

  "Well, well, Mis-ter Skeeve," he said at last, dropping the paper onto the desk in front of him. "It seems this isn't the first time you've dealt with the police since arriving in this dimension."

  "Uh-oh," Kalvin-exclaimed, rolling his eyes, "here it comes!"

  "What makes you say that, Captain?"

  I had a hunch it wouldn't do any good to act innocent. Unfortunately, I didn't have any other ideas about how to act.

  "What makes me say that is the report I just received. I thought I should check with the other precincts to see if they had heard of you, and it seems they have."

  "That's why they've been stalling," J.R. put in. "To wait until the reports came in. It's called police efficiency."

  The captain ignored him. "According to this, you've had two run-ins with the police already. First for acting suspicious on the public streets..."

  "I was being polite instead of barreling into people!" I broke in, exasperated. "I'm sorry, I was new here and didn't know 'rude' was the operative word for this dimension. You should put up signs or something warning people that being polite is grounds for harassment on Perv!"

  The captain continued as if I hadn't spoken. "...And later that same day, you tried to get out of paying for a pretty expensive meal."

  "I fainted, for Pete's sake! As soon as I came to, I paid for the meal, even though I hadn't eaten a bite."

  "Now that in itself sounds a little suspicious," the captain said, pursing his lips. "Why would you order a meal you couldn't, o
r wouldn't, eat?"

  "Because I didn't know I couldn't eat it when I ordered it, obviously. I keep telling you...I'm new here!"

  "Uh huh," the policeman leaned back and studied me through slitted eyes. "You've got a glib answer for everything...don't you. Mister Skeeve."

  "That's because it's true! Would I be less suspicious if I didn't have answers for your questions? Tell me, Captain, I really want to know! I know I'm not a criminal, what does it take to convince you?"

  The captain shook his head slowly.

  "Frankly, I don't know. I've been on the force for a long time, and I've learned to trust my instincts. Your story sounds good, but my instinct tells me you're trouble looking for a place to happen."

  I could see I was playing into a stacked deck, so I abandoned the idea of impressing him with my innocence.

  "I guess the bottom line is the same as before that sheet came in, then. Are you going to press charges against me...or am I free to go?"

  He studied me for a few more moments, then waved his hand.

  "Go on. Get out of here...and take your little street buddy with you. Just take my advice and don't carry so much cash in the future. There's no profit in teasing the animals."

  If I had been thinking, I would have let it go at that. Unfortunately, it had been a long day and I was both tired and annoyed...a dangerous combination.

  "I'll remember that, Captain," I said, rising to my feet. "I had been under the impression that the police were around to protect innocent citizens like me...not to waste everybody's time harassing them. Believe me, I've learned my lesson."

  Every policeman in the room suddenly tensed, and I realized too late that there was also no profit in critiquing the police.

  "...And if we don't check on suspicious characters before they make trouble, then all we're good for is filling out reports AFTER a crime had been committed," the captain spat bitterly. "Either way, 'innocent citizens' like you can find something to gripe about!"

  "I'm sorry. Captain. I shouldn't have..."

  I don't know if he even heard my attempted apology. If he did, it didn't make a difference.

  "You see, I've learned my lesson, too. When I first joined the force, I thought there was nothing better I could do with my life than to spend it protecting innocent citizens...and I still believe that. Even then I knew this would be a thankless occupation. What I hadn't realized was that 'innocent citizens' like you are not only ungrateful, the tendency is to treat the police like they're enemies!"

  I decided against trying to interrupt him. He was on a roll, lecturing about what seemed to be his favorite subject. Opening my mouth now would probably be about as safe as getting between my pet dragon, Gleep, and his food dish.

  "Everybody wants the crooks to be in jail, but nobody wants a prison in their community...or to vote in the taxes to build new jails. So the prisons we have are over-crowded, and the 'innocent citizens' scream bloody murder every time a judge suspends a sentence or lets an offender out on parole."

  He was up and pacing back and forth now as he warmed to his subject.

  "Nobody sees the crimes that aren't committed. We can reduce the crime rate 98%, and the 'innocent citizens' blame US for that last 2%...as if we were the ones committing the crimes! Nobody wants to cooperate with the police or approve the tax allocations necessary to keep up with inflation, so we can't even keep abreast of where we are, much less expand to keep up with the population growth." He paused and leveled an accusing finger at J.R. "Then there are 'innocent citizens' like your buddy here, who admits he's running an illegal, unlicensed business. What that means, incidentally, is that he doesn't have to pay any taxes, even the existing ones, although he expects the same protection from us as the storekeepers who do, even though most of them cheat on their taxes as well."

  "So we're supposed to keep the peace and apprehend criminals while we're understaffed and using equipment that's outdated and falling apart. About all we have to work with is our instincts...and then we get hassled for using that!"

  He came to a halt in front of me, and pushed his face close to mine, treating me to another blast of his breath. I didn't point it out to him.

  "Well this time we're going to see just how good my instincts are. I'm letting you go for now, but it occurs to me it might be a good idea to run a check on you on other dimensions. If you're just an innocent businessman like you claim, we won't find anything...but if I'm right," he gave me a toothy grin, "you've probably tangled with the law before, and we'll find that too. I'm betting you've left a trail of trouble behind you, a trail that leads right to here. If so, we'll be talking again...real soon. I don't want you to switch hotels or try to leave the dimension without letting me know, understand? I want to be able to find you again, MISTER Skeeve!"

  Chapter Fourteen

  "Parting is such sweet sorrow."

  -Figaro

  THE POSSIBILITY OF an extensive check on my off-dimension background worried me, but not so much that I forgot my manners. J.R. had saved my skin in the alley fight, and, throughout the police grilling, a part of my mind had been searching for a way to repay him. As we left the police station, I thought I had the answer.

  "Say, J.R.," I said, turning to him on the steps, "about that business you want to start...how much capital would you need to get started?"

  I could see his neck stiffening as I spoke.

  "I told you before, Mr. Skeeve, I won't take a reward for saving your life."

  "Who said anything about a reward? I'm talking about investing in your operation and taking a share of the profits."

  That one stopped him in his tracks.

  "You'd do that?"

  "Why not? I'm a businessman and always try to keep an eye open for new ventures to back. The trickiest thing is finding trustworthy principals to manage the investments. In your case, you've already proved to me that you're trustworthy. So how much would you need for this plan of yours?"

  The street vendor thought for a few moments. "Even with backing I'd want to start small and build. Figuring that...yeah. I think about five thousand in gold would start things off right."

  "Oh," I said, intelligently. I wasn't about to question his figures, but the start-up cost was higher than I had expected. I only had a couple thousand with me, and most of that was going to cover Edvick's services and the hotel bill. So much for a grand gesture!

  "I'll...uh...have to think about it."

  J.R.'s face fell.

  "Yeah. Sure. Well, you know where to find me when you make up your mind."

  He turned and strode off down the street without looking back. It was silly to feel bad about not fulfilling an offer I didn't have to make, but I did.

  "Well, I guess it's time for us to head back to the hotel...right Skeeve?" Kalvin chimed in.

  I had botched the job with J. R., but I resolved that this one I was going to do right.

  "No," I said.

  "No?" the Djin echoed. "So where are we going instead?"

  "That's the whole point, Kalvin. We aren't going anywhere. I'm going back to the hotel. You're going back to Djinger."

  He floated up to eye level with me, frowning as he cocked his head to one side.

  "I don't get it. Why should I go back to Djinger?"

  "Because you've filled your contract. That means you're free to go, so I assume you're going."

  "I did?"

  "Sure. Back in the alley. You used a spell to sober me up before I had to fight those goons. To my thinking, that fulfills your contract."

  The Djin stroked his beard thoughtfully.

  "I dunno," he said. "That wasn't much of a spell."

  "You never promised much," I insisted. "As a matter of fact, you went to great lengths to impress me with how little you could do."

  "Oh, that," Kalvin waved his hand deprecatingly. "That's just the standard line of banter we feed to the customers. It keeps them from expecting too much of a Djin. You'd be amazed at some of the things folks expect us to do. If we can
keep their expectations low, then they're easier to impress when we strut our stuff."

  "Well it worked. I'm impressed. If you hadn't done your thing back there in the alley, my goose would have been cooked before J.R. hit the scene."

  "Glad to help. It was less dangerous than trying to lend a hand in the fight."

  "Maybe, but by my count it still squares things between us. You promised one round of minor help, and delivered it at a key moment. That's all your contract called for...and more."

  The Djin folded his arms and stared, frowning into the distance for several moments.

  "Check me on this, Skeeve," he said finally, "I've been helpful to you so far, right?"

  "Right," I nodded, wondering what he was leading up to.

  "And I've been pretty good company, haven't I? I mean, I do tend to run off at the mouth a bit, but overall you haven't seemed to mind having me around."

  "Right again."

  "So why are you trying to get rid of me?"

  Suddenly, the whole day caught up with me. The well meant advice from the Butterfly, the drinking, the fight, the head-butting with the police all swelled within me until my mind and temper burst from the pressure.

  "I'M NOT TRYING TO GET RID OF YOU!!" I shrieked at the Djin, barely aware my voice had changed. "Don't you think I want to keep you around? Don't you think I know that my odds of finding Aahz on my own in this wacko dimension are next to zip? Damn it, Kalvin, I'M TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU!!!"

  "Um...maybe you could be a little less nice and quit shouting?"

  I realized that I had backed him across the sidewalk and currently had him pinned against the wall with the force of my "niceness." I took a long, deep breath and tried to bring myself under control.

  "Look," I said carefully, "I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just..."

  Something trickled down my face and it dawned on me that I was on the verge of tears. On the verge, heck! I was starting to cry. I cleared my throat noisily, covertly wiping away the tear as I covered my mouth, hoping Kalvin wouldn't notice. If he did, he was too polite to say anything.

  "Let me try this again from the top."

  I drew a ragged breath.

  "You've been a big help, Kalvin, more than I could have ever hoped for when I opened your vial. Your advice has been solid, and if I've been having trouble it's because I didn't listen to it enough."