Misadventures of Victoria Davenport

by Erik Schubach

  Her hair was pulled back into a severe ponytail and she had some adorable black, thick rimmed glasses on that just screamed 'librarian' to me. She was dressed in a smart lavender business suit with a knee length skirt. Her cute, dark purple low heels completed the outfit. She had one of those, OMG I'm a cute girl next door but I don't know just how cute I really am, faces.

  She had her arms crossed, clutching her purse to her chest. She looked at me then looked down. “Ummm... Good afternoon, please. I'm Candice. Candice Palmer. I'm here about the room.”

  I nodded. “Cool. I'm Vicky, Candice. When can you move in?” I saw everything I needed to know already. She's a real person. Not like the rest I have interviewed... trying to be so posh and fake. Even her shy British accent is cuter than the rest.

  She looked confused as she stood there. “Don't... don't you want to ask any questions? I have right good references if you need them.”

  Oh! “Oh. Ummm... yeah. Questions. Oh! You seeing anyone?”

  She looked a little shocked and then blushed and looked down. “No. I can't get a bloody bloke to give me the time of day. Umm... I don't know why I said that. I meant any questions about me to determine if we are a fit.”

  OMG! This is perfect-er even! Time for Operation Matchmaker. I smiled. “Well, Candice, I know you work in the administration office at Oxford, where I attend. I saw you making copies for Professor Adleman two days ago. I know that you are super duper shy but well spoken. And you got great taste in colors. I mean purple and lavender make your blue eyes glow almost violet. How cute is that!? I know you are not in a relationship but you want to be, judging by your reaction. I know you have a rebellious individuality just aching to come out, that tiny unicorn tattoo you are hiding under your watchband says that. And OMG, unicorns are so cool! Ummm... so I don't know what else to ask. Oh wait! Are you gay or straight or all of the above? Gotta know for Operation Matchmaker.”

  She stood there with her mouth hanging open. She looked down again. “Did you even breathe when you said all that? Umm... I'm straight.” Then she hurriedly added some more. “But I have lots of gay friends.” She looked up. “What is Operation Matchmaker and what does that have to do with the room?”

  I grinned at her. “It's top secret and need to know. But you need to know. I'm going to find you the perfect person. And now that you narrowed it down from the entire population to 'male', my work is half done! I'm so gonna make an awesome matchmaker!”

  She looked like a deer caught in headlights. Oh, maybe I'm talking too fast. I've been told I do that. I slowed down a bit. “Oh, the room. Your room is the one on the right. Wanna see it?”

  She kept hugging her purse to her chest as I walked her back to the little bedroom with its twin bed, side table and chest of drawers. She pursed her lips then said, “Umm... though I'm not destitute... I do have a job as you know. It doesn't pay much so it has been hard to find a right fit for my lolly balance. The flat I'm in now, the bloody landlord just upped the rent.” She paused then met my eyes with hers momentarily. “We haven't discussed rent, how much is the room? You didn't say in the listing.”

  I tilted my head. “Well Candi, if you can listen to my prattling, then that's payment enough. Oxford is footing the bill here, they didn't want my 'eccentricities' polluting their students. Translation: They are embarrassed by me, they just want my test scores. I just want a roommate I can talk to. I'd go insane if I had to sit in here alone listening to my own thoughts.”

  She relaxed her arms for the first time, dropping them to her side, her eyes wide. “You... you don't want any rent?”

  I shook my head. “When can you move in and do you need help? I can help. Oooo! I would so make an awesome mover!”

  She looked to be suffering from a terminal case of whiplash. I could see her make a decision as she straightened her back. “I can start moving in tonight. If... if you are sure.”

  I nodded with a grin.

  She had a tiny car, so I rented a large SUV, to her protestations, and were able to pack all her belongings into it in a couple hours. She was already getting used to my hyperactive personality and was loosening up. Once her almost terminal shyness cracked, I could see the rare gem that was Candice Palmer shining through. How the hell was she not taken yet? Oh yeah, men are blind. Well, I'm going to fix that so she gets her happily ever after!

  As we started moving the stuff up from the car into our flat I glanced at her. “Ummm... I'm not much of a cook so the cupboards are kind of bare. Want me to order some carry out? I'll get some groceries after school tomorrow.”

  She laughed a little and looked down. “That sounds brill, Vicky. I know a little Chinese Restaurant over on Oak Grove that does take away.”

  I nodded and started dialing Golden Dragon. She looked at me strangely. I shrugged as it rang. “Well there are four Chinese restaurants in delivery range and only Golden Dragon is on Oak Grove. I read the phone book before I came to England.”

  Her eyes were wide. I whispered to Candice as a woman answered the phone, “What you like?” “Yes, we'd like to order some food for delivery.”

  Candice whispered, “I'll eat pretty much anything on their menu.”

  I grinned. “We'll have a family combo number seven and an extra side of almond chicken.”

  After I gave them payment information and said “Zai jian” to the nice lady then hung up, Candice laughed. “Let me guess, you saw their menu online once?”

  I wiggled my eyebrows. “I made sure to glance at as many menus from the restaurants around Oxford as I could before I came.”

  She laughed. “You know, Vicky. When I first met you this afternoon, you kind of scared me. But now... I think I'm going to enjoy living here with you immensely.”

  Now it was my turn to blush. Now I'll have to double my efforts to find a guy for her. I won't let her down.

  I had to do a ninja move on her to give the delivery boy a tip. Oh! I would so make a friggin' awesome ninja! She tried to give me some cash for her part of the food, to which I ignored her completely and stared at the ceiling until she put it away.

  As we sat at our little kitchen table and ate, joking and laughing and getting to know each other. I asked her what kind of guys she liked.

  She looked down into a container of sweet and sour pork and just picked at the contents with her chopsticks. “Well, if I could get a bloke to look at me for more than a bloody second. Or if I could say something to one without my mouth hanging open like a bloody git, just about any would do.”

  I squinted, I didn't like her discounting herself. “So like, how many boyfriends have you had?”

  She kept picking at her food. “Including my last one, that would be... let's see... carry the one... none. It is hard enough trying to speak with one, let alone get them interested in the bloody 'mouse girl' as they call me.”

  I was stunned. “Ummm... one, mice are like, super cute. Two, have you looked at yourself? Super cute! So that like compounds into super cute squared. Guys are stupid if they don't see it. If you swung my way and lowered your dating standards to the gutter, I'd be first in line!”

  She looked at me with a little shock. “So you're... gay?”

  I looked up with a grin. “Define gay. I'm all about people. Boy, girl, whatever. If you have a nice personality and are cute and swing my way, chances are I swing your way.”

  She giggled a bit. “You really are something else, Vicky. And don't put yourself down. If I were gay, I'd be first in line to date you too.”

  I smiled at her. I really like this girl she reminds me a little of... damn it! 6-2-0-8-9-9-8, Petrov Dansk, Leroy G. Wetstbrook, Gilbert Heinz. The average lifespan of an ostrich is between twenty and thirty years.

  I grinned. “But seriously Candi, what kind of guy do you like?”

  She went on to describe the type of guy she finds attractive. To her credit, it came down to personality over looks. She just wanted someone who didn't take life too seriously, who had a good sense of humor, and who
could see beyond what she thought was her mousy exterior. Ummm, super-cute exterior woman!

  I grinned at her. “Welcome to Operation Matchmaker.”

  She rolled her eyes playfully. I pulled out some cards and we started playing slap jack as we talked the night away.

  ***

  Over the next few days I got things situated a little more after classes each day. We bought groceries and stocked the kitchen. I bought a car in London, a Range Rover like I had back home. It took me a couple minutes to acclimate to driving on the wrong side of the car and road. I set up a new website for business consulting and listed my services as a tutor on the University boards.

  Some of my professors were a little freaked out about how I acted. But it didn't take much to convince them I belonged there if they pissed me off.

  My Business Accounting professor, Dr. Simmons, threw a tizzy that I didn't bring in my text book and accused me of not taking the class seriously. After belittling me in class, I stood and started reciting the textbook verbatim until he kicked me out of the lecture hall for being disruptive. Dean Borrows had a little chat with him and now I get the Dr. Simmons death glare in class, but he lets me stay.

  Candi and I were getting to be good friends already. I liked that she didn't judge me and could moderate my speed talking or translate for others already.

  Now that we were situated, I decided it was time to find her happily ever after. So we started crawling the clubs in London on Friday night.

  We found a little hiccup in the plan. You see... I reeeealy like kissing. So every time I'd be vetting a potential guy for her, we'd wind up making out. So, to rectify the situation, I swore off men until we could get Candi hooked up.

  So I started approaching the other girls in the clubs to see if they knew of any guys that would be candidates for Candi... I wound up in the girl's bathroom making out with most of those girls too. But we were making headway now, I wasn't stealing any guys! I got her to dance with a few guys. But her uber-cute shyness threw a monkey wrench into the works. This matchmaking is like, soooo hard. But, I just know I'll be friggin' awesome at it.

  Saturday morning rolled around and we were at our little kitchen table, munching on the breakfast burritos I had made us. She was grinning at me. “Vicky, you really like snogging don't you?”

  I grinned back. “What's not to like? It is like super fun and like OMG some of those hotties last night made my toes tingle. And it helps me to keep my mind off of...” Shit... 3-2-3-8-4-6-2-6-4-3, Rianna T. McNary, Vance L. Trainer. If threatened, a platypus can lie still under water for eight to ten minutes.

  She tilted her head at me. “Where do you go?”

  I squinted back. “What do you mean?”

  She spoke softly, “When you phase off like that. I was about to tell you to slow down and breathe then you trailed off and glanced at the picture of those girls on the wall over there. Who are they? You never bloody speak of them.”

  I stared at her for a moment before making a decision to confide in her. “That's the woman I love that I can never have.”

  She squinted as she glanced at the picture. “Which one?”

  I felt a tear on my cheek. “Both of them. They are my best friends.”

  I was a little surprised when I saw understanding in her eyes as she nodded and spoke softly. “That's why you are here in England then...”

  I changed the topic. “So what you wanna do tonight? We can find more clubs. I think I'm narrowing your type down a bit. We'll find your prince charming in no time. Oooo... that would make you a princess. Princesses get to dress in rockin' gowns all the time and you can go to a ball! They have cool dances at the balls. Oh! I would so make an awesome dancer! I could...”

  She was laughing now. “Vicky! Slow down! Breathe!”

  I grinned at her. “Sorry. All I got today is bringing some senior over for a tutoring session then a business consultation conference call. You wanna go get some lunch after that? I wanna explore London a bit before tonight... you want to come.”

  She smiled. “I'd be delighted to.”

  I grinned and grabbed my purse and keys. “I'll be right back. The guy don't got no car, so I'm chauffeuring him.”

  I zipped off and picked up the guy, Leighton Birch at his residence hall at the University. He was cute, in an unorthodox way. The way he fidgeted and looked around told me that he was really unsure of himself, probably over pressured by parents or peers. Oxford probably wasn't his idea. But his cute mop of sandy blonde hair and large green eyes were endearing.

  On our way back to my place he asked. “So, Miss Davenport. Why can we not just have you tutor me at the residence hall or the library?”

  I glanced over as I drove. “Ummm... let's just say, the faculty doesn't really want me around. And please Leighton, call me Vicky. You're older than me after all.”

  He smiled shyly and nodded.

  Back at the flat I led him to the kitchen table and had him pull out his textbook and flip to page thirty seven and I dove right in as I paced. “So you said you were having problems grasping mergers and acquisitions and the negative impact paper tigers can have.”

  He nodded and I continued. “You understand the concept of assumptions and projections failing when subjected to real world conditions? In a clinical environment these projections always sound feasible, but let's face it, the actual business world is anything but clinical. If just one random event can derail these assumptions then...” Candi walked out of her room and over toward the couch. She almost tripped when she looked over at us.

  She smiled shyly and sat down to read a magazine. I looked over to the Leighton, he was staring at her. Oh... how rude of me. “Leighton, this is my roommate, Candice. She's an administrative assistant at the university. Candice, this is Leighton Birch, future leader of corporate UK.”

  With the way they were both blushing I thought I was going to get sucked into a shy-vortex. That would be funny, so much shyness spinning around that the universe gets sucked in and comes out the other side blushing. Then the... oh, right... sorry... the story.

  So we continued our session. We went a little past our hour, but he was grasping the concepts well now as we wrapped up for the day. He handed me my fee for the day and we set up another session for tomorrow.

  I glanced at the time. Oh crap, I have less than a half hour till my conference call now!

  I looked over at Candice reading on the couch. “Hey Candi. I don't mean to impose, but do you think you could give Leighton a ride back to campus? Our session went a little long and my conference call is coming up soon and I don't want to miss it. I wouldn't normally ask but I want to make a good impression on the businesses here and I...”

  She was giggling. “Victoria... Vicky. Slow down. I'd be happy to drive him.”

  I grinned at her then turned to Leighton. “That's okay with you, isn't it?”

  He was looking down and nodding, it is like pulling teeth to get either of these two to make eye contact with me. I smiled at the solution. “There. Now that that's sorted, I'll see you tomorrow, Leighton.”

  We said our goodbyes then I sat on the couch to wait for my call.

  Things went well with the call and then when Candi finally returned (she must have run a couple errands), we were off to London and lunch! She seemed in much better spirits. But London is an awesome city, I could see why!

  I failed miserably that night when we went clubbing, still no prospects for Candi. Thought, she did seem to have more fun on the dance floor tonight.

  The next day she volunteered to go pick up Leighton. Then later to drop him off, she was like super helpful and stuff. Like one of those elves that made shoes at night for the cobbler. Oooo... apple cobbler is one of my favorite desserts, not to be confused with a desert, cuz like who would want to eat sand? I'd be all “Ewww... my apples are gritty...” then Candi would be like “Suck it up soldier!”

  I was giggling at myself when Candi got back. It took almost two hours to drop him off... s
he must have like tons of errands!

  The next few days went that way. Candi was always nice enough to offer to drive Leighton. The weekend was approaching. I'd be able to hit Operation Matchmaker with a vengeance. I was in a good mood because my consulting was pulling in good money already and I had two other students I was tutoring. I told dad I didn't need any money over here, I can show him I can be self sufficient, even though Oxford is paying for everything. I can still make him and mom proud by doing things on my own!

  Friday night Candi didn't want to go out clubbing. But I had to find someone for her, I said I would! So I reluctantly went on my own. I found one or two prospects and got their numbers. I wound up making out with a girl for a bit that wound up being the straight daughter of one of my professors. Oops. But... but... she had red hair so it's not my fault right?

  When I got home and walked in, it was almost one in the morning. Candi came walking out of her room in a robe, heading for the kitchen with a smile on her face. She stopped short when she saw me and blushed. “Oh, hi Vicky. I didn't realize you were home.”

  I smiled. “Just walked in, and...” Wait a minute, I recognize that glow, that smile, that twinkling in her eyes! “You totally did it with someone! OMG! Who is it!? I'm so happy! So was it good?”

  She was blushing and Leighton walked out of her room in his underwear talking to her. “Candi, I was wondering...” He stopped dead when he saw me then turned and went back into her room.

  I spun and locked eyes with Candice with a giant smile on my face. “O – M – G!!! Leighton?! How friggin' awesome is that? You two are like so super-cute together. Did you see your blushes just now?! Oh hey wait. Now I'm sad. I wanted to be a matchmaker and hook you up with someone. But I'm like super-psyched for you.”

  She was placing a finger over my lips and giggling shyly. “Vicky! You're locked in at supersonic again, you silly bird.”

  I giggled. She continued. “You did hook me up with someone... you introduced us remember?”