Just Enough Light

by AJ Quinn

  Oh God. At this rate, she would be crazy by morning.

  Or maybe she already was.

  Just before six, just after she’d built the fire up once again and gone back to bed, Dana was positive she heard the sound of the cabin’s front door open, then close with a barely discernable click. She held herself perfectly still and called herself every kind of fool possible, realizing how rash she’d been when she’d chosen to stay in Kellen’s cabin, alone, while Kellen’s father, a private investigator, and an unknown killer continued to hunt for her.

  Held immobile by fear, a scream formed only to be caught in her throat the instant she saw who was standing at the bedroom door. No ghost, no phantom, no illusion.

  Her hair was tangled around her face as if she’d run her hands through it one too many times. Her eyes were huge and shadowed and she looked exhausted.

  But Dana had never seen anyone more beautiful. Relief swept through her so hard it made her tremble. Her eyes filled with tears and her hands came up to cover her mouth and hold in the sob that wanted to escape.

  “There’s a coffee shop along the highway about six hours from here. It’s on the route to Salt Lake City,” Kellen said. “Have you ever been?”

  “No, I can’t say that I have,” Dana whispered, unable to say more. The tears were closing in on her. Clogging her throat and searing her eyes.

  “Well, it’s there. I know because I was there just a few hours ago when I stopped for gas. And the girls and I, we had a long overdue chosen family meeting. It turned out no one wanted to say good-bye to what we’d started here in Haven. We all recognize the risk, the danger inherent in our decision. But it seems we all want a chance to see this through. To see how things can turn out when you don’t have to run before the end arrives.”

  “Does that mean you’re back to stay?”

  Kellen swallowed nervously. She’d faced a lot of things in her relatively short life. Everything from snowstorms and floodwaters to street gangs to well-intentioned social workers. None of them had caused fear like what was now stirring inside her. But she knew this was no time to retreat.

  “I never really left. Not in here.” She touched her hand to her chest where her heart was beating hard and fast. “But it doesn’t change the facts. I know my birth father is out there somewhere. I understand he wants to find me before the private investigator hired by my grandmother’s lawyer finds me. If my father…if he finds me first, I don’t know what he’ll do, but I can’t imagine any happy outcome from that reunion.”

  “Kellen, there are things we can do.”

  “Please. I need to say this. I need to know you understand.”

  “All right.”

  “Thank you.” Kellen took a deep breath and tried to steady her racing pulse. “Other than my birth father, I know there’s someone else out there who wants to kill me. I don’t know who he is or why he wants me dead. He just does. I also know I’m screwed up.”

  “No, Kellen—”

  “It’s all right, Dana. I know what I am. You can’t spend half your life being invisible and living between the cracks and not be a bit messed up. So I don’t know if it makes me stupid or crazy that I think things might turn out differently this time.”

  Outside, the wind whispered against the windows. Inside, the fire crackled, adding warmth to the chill in the air and casting shadows in the cabin.

  “What are you trying to tell me?” Dana asked.

  “I’m saying I can think of a thousand reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea for you to get involved with me,” she said through the tightness in her throat. “And I can only think of one reason why you would even want to try.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Because I think there’s something real between us. Something special. We shouldn’t fit, Dana, but we do.” Kellen pushed through a sudden surge of uncertainty. “I don’t believe people get a lot of opportunities at something like this, and I, for one, would like the chance to see what it might look like if we tried. I don’t want to lose this chance.”

  Dana’s lips curved into a slow languorous smile as she got out of bed and walked toward her. “Is that so?”

  For the first time, Kellen realized Dana was wearing her pajama bottoms, her T-shirt. Then she couldn’t think of anything beyond the warmth emanating from Dana’s body as she drew near. “Yes.”

  “Good.” Dana’s voice was still whisper soft but suddenly edged with steel and her body vibrated with challenge. “Then in the future, don’t try to make decisions for me, okay?”

  Kellen nodded wordlessly.

  “And just so we’re clear, the only reason for me not to get involved with you is because you don’t want me.”

  “Not want you?”

  Dana effectively cut off anything else she might have said, momentarily pressing two fingers against her lips. “I’m very much aware the paths each of us followed to where we find ourselves today are wildly different. I know you’ve seen and experienced things I can’t even begin to imagine. I’m not that naive.”

  “I never thought you were.”

  “Good. As long as we understand each other.”

  They stared at each other, unblinking. And then ever so slowly, Dana extended her hand. Kellen met the intensity in her gaze, afraid to make another mistake. Afraid to misread what she was seeing. An offer to help carry whatever burdens Kellen had been shouldering alone until now.

  Taking Dana’s hand, she drew her closer until they were a breath apart. “You never miss something more than when you believe you’ve lost it. Damn, I missed you.”

  “I’m glad because I missed you too.”

  The first hesitant kiss briefly gave way to something stronger as Dana’s lips parted to meet hers.

  *

  Once she moved past the shock of having Kellen in her arms once again, Dana was consumed by a desire to tell her how she felt. To tell her she loved her. She knew her desire was based in part on an irrational fear Kellen might disappear again, without ever knowing how she felt about her. But she also knew it was too soon.

  She knew Kellen felt something for her. She’d said as much. But Dana didn’t want to come on too strong and frighten her at a time when she was struggling to handle everything already on her plate. Like trying to protect the girls. And trying to stay alive.

  Saying I love you would complicate things needlessly. There would be a better time.

  Hesitantly, with fingers trembling so badly she could barely control them, Dana stroked Kellen’s cheek as she inhaled deeply. Kellen’s scent always called to mind a forest at midnight, dark and secret and sensual. “Damn, that perfume you’re wearing should be declared illegal,” she murmured.

  “I’m not wearing any perfume.”

  It mattered not, Dana mused. Her scent was still intoxicating and she wanted to bury her hands in Kellen’s hair and kiss her. Wasn’t that what this moment called for? The better question might be, how far was she willing to take this moment?

  They remained standing, swaying precariously as Dana tightened her hold. She felt some of the tension that had surrounded Kellen since she’d appeared at the bedroom door begin to dissipate. But there were lines visible around her mouth and shadows under her eyes and she realized Kellen was looking at her through a haze of exhaustion.

  “Let’s go to bed, Kellen. Neither of us has slept in far too long and you look like a gentle breeze could knock you down. We can talk later, figure out what we need to do to keep you and Ren safe and protected, and take it from there. We’ll get through this—you, me, the girls—and we’ll all come out stronger on the other side. You just need to believe me.”

  Kellen gave her a crooked smile and nodded tiredly. “I believe you.”

  A few short minutes later, Kellen was sprawled facedown on the bed. Her dark hair fanned out across a pillow and covered most of her face, but the steady rise and fall of her back indicated she had fallen asleep. Dana stroked Kellen’s hair and wished she could take away the pain of the pa
st.

  She couldn’t, of course. All she could do was be there for her. Help her through the nightmares that haunted her. Help her find the peace she so richly deserved.

  As she gazed at her in quiet contemplation, Dana saw a woman of strength and conviction, passion and raw courage. Kellen never hesitated when it came to the people who were important to her. Never faltered. She also put it on the line for strangers—those lost or injured in nearby forests and mountains. But she seldom let others see her vulnerability, a fragility that stirred something deep within Dana.

  She knew this latest turn of events made no sense within the context of what had once been a carefully planned and ordered life. But then again, Dana reminded herself, she had deliberately chosen to leave the life and plans her parents had made for her. She’d only compounded it by accepting the position here in Haven.

  She had wanted something different. Had hoped on some level that the move to the Colorado Rockies might enable her to find not only professional challenge and satisfaction, but just maybe the one person she could share her life with. And in spite of their vastly different backgrounds and the ever-present danger currently surrounding her, she was sure she had found that person in Kellen.

  She knew one thing for certain. She’d never been in love before. While it had been a long, long time since she’d been involved with another woman, nothing she had ever experienced came close to how she was now feeling. She had never felt anything this strong. Never experienced the intensity and the sheer wonder. The inevitability.

  This was what she’d longed for. Dreamed of. Whatever was happening between them, it was different. It felt different. It felt right.

  How ironic. In the past, she’d never been quite certain how much the women she’d dated were with her because of her name and who her family was. Never certain if it was because being with her could further their own ambitions. But now, if she was certain of anything, it was that Kellen didn’t give a damn about any of that and could come up with a thousand different reasons why they shouldn’t get involved.

  She watched her for a long moment. Just watched her. Everything else faded until there was only her. Always her. Kellen.

  Slipping lower on the bed, Dana wrapped her arm around Kellen’s waist and joined her in sleep.

  Chapter Nineteen

  By late afternoon, life at Haven had slipped back to normal. As if the late-night drive through the mountains had been for pleasure rather than driven by a fundamental need to survive. It might be a new normal, Kellen thought wryly, but it was still filled with heightened vigilance, constant awareness. Ever watchful and alert. On second thought, maybe not that different after all.

  She sat in her office, finishing the changes to the training curriculum that would be used with the next group of students. She reviewed the work schedules, checked the training schedule for the new group of volunteers, and followed up on the maintenance report for one of the helicopters.

  All perfectly ordinary. As if less than twenty-four hours earlier, she hadn’t been ready to walk away from it all. As if she hadn’t taken the first step to yet another name and another life.

  Closing her eyes against the hazy sun, she sifted through countless thoughts. Possibilities and probabilities. Working to connect the dots with lines that didn’t make sense.

  “Are you taking a catnap?”

  Opening her eyes, she saw Dana and Annie standing at the doorway. Looking at her with concern. Amusement. Affection.

  “I was just thinking,” she responded slowly. “Something occurred to me and I’m just trying to make sense of it.”

  Dana met her gaze. “What’s the thought? Care to share? Maybe we can help.”

  “The shooter. He can’t be someone hired by my birth father.”

  “Why not?” Annie asked.

  “Because he would have had no need to kill all those other people. Or shoot Tim. He would know where I am. Who I am. He could have taken me out at any time, quite easily.”

  Kellen saw the effect her words had on the two women. She saw both grow pale. Saw Dana chew her bottom lip. She hated that her words had the power to hurt them. Make them fearful. But she had to push on. She needed their help if she was going to follow her current line of thinking and be able to determine the identity of the shooter.

  “That’s not to say my birth father’s not looking for me. He has every reason to want to find me. I can’t disregard the possibility he’ll want to silence me before the truth of what he did comes out. He will still need to be dealt with, but that’s for later. After we find the shooter.”

  “My father will be able to help you with that,” Annie said.

  Kellen smiled. “Believe it or not, I’m counting on his help.”

  “We’ll all help,” Dana said on a broken breath. “What about Ren’s father?”

  The fear in her voice wrapped itself around Kellen’s heart. “Maybe it’s just my gut, but I don’t think it’s him either, for much the same reason. If he’d hired someone to get me out of Ren’s life, or to grab Ren, there would have been no need to hide or distract by killing anyone else.”

  “If it’s not someone hired by your father or Ren’s father, then who is after you?” Dana challenged. “Who’s been killing members of SAR teams around the country?”

  Kellen heard Dana’s frustration and tried to keep her own from turning into anger. “I don’t know yet, that’s why I need your help. Whoever it is, the motivation is tangled in search and rescue. I was the first. According to the FBI, he moved on and now he’s circling back to finish what he started. I don’t know about you, but that tells me whatever set him off, it started with me. Something I did or something I didn’t do.”

  “Something you did? Are you crazy?” Annie’s voice wavered, but her eyes were clear and angry. “I’ve been with you from the very beginning and if anyone should know something, it’s me. In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve done nothing wrong except maybe take too many risks with yourself. But it was always about getting people home to their loved ones. What else do you think you could have done?”

  Kellen sighed and pushed a hand through her hair. “I’m not saying I did anything wrong. I’m saying maybe it’s not about what I did or didn’t do, but what came afterward.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “We know the FBI’s been looking at people who lost someone—a family member, a friend, a loved one—someone a SAR team failed to rescue. They’ve also looked at people who wanted to become a member of a SAR team and failed to make the cut.”

  Dana’s eyes narrowed. “But the FBI has found no one that fits. At least not so far. What are you thinking?”

  “What if the person we’re looking for lost someone who worked on a SAR team? It wouldn’t even have to be here in the US. For the last ten years, we’ve been training people who go on to take jobs on SAR teams around the globe. We all know what we do is dangerous. What if one of them got killed on the job after I trained them? What if the shooter blames me for the death of their loved one?”

  As Kellen’s words hung suspended in the air, Dana and Annie turned simultaneously and stared at her. In turn, she offered them both a wan smile that died before it reached her eyes.

  “Is that what your gut is telling you?” Dana asked.

  “Yes.”

  “That’s good enough for me. How can we help?”

  “Thank you for not thinking I’m crazy.” Kellen released a long and weary sigh. “We need…I’m thinking we need to access the main database and see if we can compile a list of everyone we’ve trained.”

  “That’s easy enough to do,” Annie said. “But how are we supposed to track them from there?”

  Dana watched Kellen shift uncomfortably and tried to process what she was seeing. “What’s going on in that head of yours? I know you’ve got something in mind, something you think we won’t like, so you might as well tell us.”

  Kellen leaned her head back and turned to look out the window. “I thought ma
ybe we could give Calvin Grant a call. I’m not particularly fond of them, but it seems to me the FBI could look into all our former students much faster than we could, even if we knew where to start. They could see if any of them got seriously hurt, or killed, after completing their training.”

  For a moment, no one said anything. And then Dana started to laugh. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You, of all people, want to reach out to the FBI? This is too perfect. You’re a genius.”

  “You’re too kind,” Kellen muttered dryly, but then shrugged good-naturedly.

  “Actually, I’m not, but I’m glad you think so.” She was rewarded when Kellen lifted her head and Dana was suddenly captured by her smile, consumed with wanting to touch her, and as their gazes met and held, she thought she saw something flicker in Kellen’s eyes.

  Whatever it was, Dana felt it, as clearly as if the contact had been electric, before Kellen blinked and looked away. Suddenly remembering they weren’t alone, she turned around to find Annie looking from her face to Kellen’s and then back again, a smile on her lips.

  “Since it’s too late in the day to contact Grant,” Annie said, “why don’t you two call it a night? Both of you look like you could use some rest. We can start fresh in the morning.”

  Simple relief washed over Dana and she could feel the tension in her muscles slowly release. “That’s a great idea. Kellen, why don’t you go get the girls? I’ll meet you at your cabin with a pot of vegetarian chili I’ve got going in the slow cooker. Do you want to join us, Annie? I’m pretty sure I made plenty.”

  Annie appeared to deliberate then shook her head. “Thanks, but I have a date with a hot tub and an even hotter writer. You kids run along and have fun…and Kellen?” Annie held out both arms in open invitation.