What Doesn't Kill You

by Aimee Hix

  I shook my head and felt myself close to tears again. “No, it’s not fine.”

  I had so much I wanted to say and no idea where to begin. Our fight that morning—hell, every fight we’d ever had—seemed so stupid. I knew how he felt. I felt it too now. The fierce determination that I would do anything, any way I had to, no matter how much it hurt me, or if even he hated me, so that he was safe. I hadn’t understood. I had thought it was his pride, pumped full of testosterone and male ego. It wasn’t pride. Or ownership. He loved me. There was the simple truth I hadn’t wanted to admit. A tear slipped down my cheek.

  I took another mouthful of water. I wanted to just look at him forever. I didn’t care if we solved the case. I didn’t care about anything except him and the fact that he was safe in front of me.

  I wanted to tell him that. It came out differently than I had planned. “You were trapped and I thought that you’d … and now … I swear, if you ever die on me, I will kick your ass,” I said.

  “Only you, Sunshine.” Seth began to laugh, which turned into choking coughs. The male EMT pushed the hand holding the oxygen mask up to Seth’s face again. I got up, pressing past both EMTs to sit on his gurney. I twined my hand into the one not holding the mask and laid my face against his arm.

  I heard the EMTs whispering to each other as Seth’s coughing eased. He dropped the mask again. I couldn’t look him in the eye. He rubbed the pad of his thumb on the back of my hand. “When you dropped it was the hardest second of my life since I’d heard Michael had died. I wanted to trust that you would be fine, that we both would, but all I could think was that I had failed again.”

  I watched the red light from the fire trucks bounce off the tree line across the road, the leaves already red and gold, looking like fire themselves. I had spent the entire time I’d known him—years, almost two decades—not understanding how I felt. I didn’t even know if there were words to explain it. I got it now, I just didn’t know how to express it. I tried anyway.

  “You didn’t fail me. You saved me tonight. And you trusted that I’d save you. You’re my hero.”

  I snuck a look at his face. I needed to know if he believed me.

  “I mean it, Seth. That was some serious hero shit you pulled in there.”

  He ducked his head but he was smiling. “We make a good team.”

  “This is sweet, but we need to get you both to the hospital to be fully checked and you’re not both going to fit in the ambulance like this,” the male EMT said.

  Seth dug out his phone and keyed in a sequence to bring up a screen that showed his badge. Neat. He stood brandishing it at the EMTs like weapon. “My name is Seth Anderson. I’m a special agent with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and I’m officially refusing additional medical care.”

  Both EMTs had begun packing up the second ambulance the second he’d flashed his digital badge. They’d obviously had enough experience with the Feds to know what he was going to say.

  “Are you an idiot? Of course you’re going to the hospital.” I had words to express those feelings. Annoyance. Impatience.

  He shook his head. “Willa, I wet down the sleeve of my shirt and tied it around my nose and mouth. I’m fine. But I need you to go. You could have broken something when you hit the ground,” he said.

  “Oh, hell no. You’re not pulling that on me. If you want me to go then you get back on that gurney and let them take you too.”

  He crouched down in front of me. I could see the set of his jaw. “I have work I need to do.”

  “So you’re shipping me off to the hospital and going back to, what?”

  He took both of my hands in his and squeezed them. “Baby, I need to get this guy. He’s dangerous.”

  While I understood it wasn’t his ego that pushed him to protect me at all costs, it still chafed. I wanted to do this differently than we always had. I was definitely going to try after this case was over, but we didn’t have time for the no-holds-barred screaming throw down it was going to take to negotiate a peace accord. Mouthy Willa was still on the job. I wasn’t backing down on this.

  “Wow, thanks for the news flash. I hadn’t pieced that together on my own. I mean, the knife should have given it away but, you know, maybe I had a loose thread on my sweater. And the fire, well, maybe I looked cold. No shit, he’s dangerous. And you need medical attention, dumbass, so get back on the gurney.”

  He had started to shake his head again and stand when I dropped his hands and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, yanking him back down so we were nose to nose.

  “Get on the gurney. Now.” Cop voice was back.

  The EMTs watched us with interest. I could tell he was wavering.

  “Ten bucks on the girl,” said the male EMT.

  “No bet there. She will totally win this one,” K. Barnes said.

  Seth sat back down on the gurney next to me. “If it will make you feel better that I get checked out … ”

  “Shut up and get your own damn gurney, caveman.”

  Chapter

  23

  After four hours at the emergency room, people poking and prodding us, taking X-rays, and drawing vials of blood, and Seth bitching the entire time anyone touched him yet demanding more tests for me, we were declared probably unlikely to die from smoke inhalation and sent home. Either you got amazing service if you were a federal agent or the ER staff just got sick of all the complaining. An agent from Seth’s office came to pick us up and the two talked shop in the front seat while I dozed in the back. I never fell asleep completely. The car would hit a bump or pothole and I would jolt awake, feeling as if I was falling away from the fire again. At two in the morning, the roads were empty and we were back at Seth’s apartment in no time.

  I stared at the door to Michael’s room. I was so tired I was afraid that if I thought about it too much, remembering that Michael was gone and that I’d almost lost Seth too, I’d break down. Seth saw me hesitate and took my hand to lead me into his room. We hadn’t been alone the whole evening once we got out of the building.

  “I should probably get a shower. Wash this smoke off me.”

  “Yeah, right, of course. Let me get you some stuff to change into.”

  I stood in the doorway to the bathroom, waiting. I saw him pulling out clothes. He handed me an Army t-shirt and shorts from his dresser.

  “I’m just going to … ” I hitched my thumb over my shoulder

  “Take your time. I’ll get cleaned up in Michael’s, um, the other bathroom.”

  As I washed the smoke and soot out of my hair a wave of fatigue swamped me. I got out of the shower as quickly as I could and pulled Seth’s Army shirt on. I needed to get into bed. The scant hours of sleep I had gotten over the past few days had prompted my body to start demanding it. Had it only been last night that I had fallen asleep easily in Seth’s arms?

  I turned off the light, pulled down the covers on the bed, and collapsed against the pillow. I didn’t care that my hair was wet and probably not as clean as I’d have liked. It probably still reeked of smoke. Not that I would have been able to tell the difference since that was all I smelled anymore. All I wanted was to close my eyes and sleep off the sore muscles and achy lungs.

  Despite my utter exhaustion, I could not fall asleep. I had the same problem as in the car, and it wasn’t my old insomnia. I’d start to drop off and my leg would kick out, feeling like I was falling. I heard the door latch disengage quietly. Seth poked his head into the room. Failing to see my brutal murder occurring, he pulled back and stopped only when he heard my voice.

  “I’m awake,” I said. “Come in.”

  “I just wanted to check and make sure you were okay. You need to rest.” He began to pull the door shut.

  “Wait. Stay.”

  “I’m not going anywhere tonight.” He started to shut the door again.

  “I
mean, stay in here with me.” When he hesitated, I continued. “Look, we both know you’ll keep waking me up trying to check on me so if you’re in here at least we’ll both be able to get some sleep.”

  I felt him slip in beside me, gingerly, leaving a gap between us. I reached over and grabbed his arm, dragging it over me and scooting back into him.

  “We’ll just end up like this anyway.” I could feel him smile against my shoulder.

  I startled awake only one more time.

  “I’ve got you. I’m not going to let you fall. I’ve got you, love,” Seth said, pulling me deeper into his body, curving around me, shielding me entirely, his cheek against mine, his words a whisper on my skin.

  It was late morning by my standard when Seth’s phone started ringing. He got up to let in the other agent, who’d spent the night in the car as lookout. I tried to curl into the warm spot he’d left, but without Seth sleep eluded me.

  I pulled on the shorts he had given me before I got in the shower hours earlier. They hung off me and I yanked the drawstring as tightly as it would go. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t bothered with the clothes I’d packed. I hadn’t thought of it and swimming in Seth’s t-shirt made me feel small and secure.

  In the kitchen, Seth handed me a cup of coffee without any smart remarks about how I took it, but I did notice that for a man who took it black he had sugar and cream available suddenly.

  Agent Gordon and I had a stare-off over coffee. He hadn’t spoken a word to me last night either.

  “Is he mute with girls? Like that guy on the science show?” I asked.

  Seth laughed. Agent Silent Treatment scowled at me. At least we knew he could hear.

  “I don’t bite. Well, I will if you ask nicely.”

  What was it about so many cops that made them sarcasm-

  impaired, humorless prigs? I’d been a cop for years and still didn’t know why some of them, like Harrison, were such buzzkills. Lucky me, I got to have breakfast with one while I was wearing someone else’s jammies. I smiled at the agent sitting across from me. It wasn’t a pleasant one. In fact, it barely qualified as a smile. He lowered his eyes back down to his coffee cup. I didn’t see any reason the guy couldn’t try to engage in polite, superficial conversation. If I was capable of it after two attempts on my life, he could muster a little small talk.

  “No, seriously, are you mute? Because if so, that’s cool. All federal agencies have to meet disability hire quotas but I’m curious, how are you able to do the radio? Morse code or something?”

  I heard Seth snort a mouthful of coffee.

  “Is it me? Because I’m a civilian and you’ve just lived the life too long? You don’t know how to relate? You should know, I was a cop.”

  “I know,” he said.

  “Wow, you can speak. I’m so impressed. Maybe now we can introduce ourselves already since, you know, I’ve been sitting across from you for ten minutes and I’m not wearing a bra.”

  The agent spit his mouthful of coffee onto the table.

  “Are you two really crack federal agents who are supposed to keep America safe from people misusing alcohol, tobacco, and firearms? The word bra sets you off?” I stood up, taking my cup with me, and left the kitchen. That was the only silver lining to having a psycho hunting you: you gave up any pretense of giving a damn what other people thought. Gordon wasn’t a guest so I didn’t have to entertain him. Seth was smart enough to not follow me.

  I grabbed my overnight bag from the closet floor and threw it on the bed. I yanked out a pair of jeans and tank top. I wanted my own clothes after all. Being looked at like a bug by Seth’s Fed buddy had made me feel small in a way I didn’t like. I’d be damned if some suit was going to look down on me.

  My secret admirer, who was no doubt Mark Ingalls, was feeling the pressure we’d put on him. I called Boyd for an update. She’d barely said hello before I jumped in.

  “Jan, do you have anything on Ingalls?”

  “Wow, two days in a row someone tries to kill you and you’re not even slightly off track? I don’t know if you’re the toughest person I’ve met or the dumbest.”

  “Probably both. Honestly, I just really want you to tell me that some SWAT guys kicked in his door last night and he’s now in an orange jumpsuit.” I paced around the bedroom. More than once I eyed the bed wishing I could go back to sleep.

  “Sorry, kid. We haven’t found him yet. We met Ingalls’s uncle, who’s also not a fan of yours. Called you a ‘snoopy little bitch.’ Said he saw you at the garage and then later spying on their house. Told Mark.”

  My lame stakeout of Reagan’s known associates hadn’t been so lame, after all. That was twice I’d been close to connecting the murder to Ingalls.

  “Seth’s okay? I got some second- and third-hand reports last night.”

  “Yeah. We checked out fine at the hospital and the ATF sent another agent to get us. Our new friend picked us up from the hospital last night and has spoken exactly two words to me.”

  Boyd was silent for a bit. I could hear noises that told me she was in her car.

  “Jan?”

  “Sorry, Willa, I was just thinking about that agent. Is it possible they’re going to take you into protective custody? I know they won’t yank Seth off the case—it’s clearly too late for that.”

  It was my turn to be silent. I didn’t want to think Seth would do something like that behind my back, but I couldn’t deny he’d jump at the chance to get me locked down and safe. If his boss presented it to him, he’d even be able to convince himself, and try to convince me, that he had no choice. Then he’d pack me up and get back to taking down Ingalls and his associates while I sat in some federal safe house. The ends would justify the means. Bust, made; Willa, not dead.

  “It might not be a bad idea,” she said.

  “Do you honestly think I’m going to sit watching talk shows while the ATF saddles up and gets their man? My man?”

  “Ingalls has a serious thing for you. He had a wall with pictures of you. Some of them were as old as your high school graduation and there were even stories he’d downloaded from the Internet about your mother’s drama festival in Santa Fe. He got all that in just a few days. He’s not just angry with you. He’s fixated.”

  A crazy ass murder wall was a real thing? I thought that was just something on TV shows. “Why is it the only men who are interested in me are emotionally unreliable?” I quipped, but my heart wasn’t in the joke and my voice broke.

  “This is almost over, kid. He can’t hide from us forever.”

  Almost over was almost as good as over. I gathered back up the scattered bits of my stupid determination, which I was sure was her intention.

  “We rattled some cages yesterday at one of the tattoo parlors. Seth had some surveillance set up for it last night. I forgot to call you in all the trying not to die.”

  “You really jumped out a second-story window?”

  I laughed so hard I started coughing again. “Jumped like tuck and roll, all action movie? No. Dangled out and fell on my butt? Yes. My whole ass is purple.”

  “It was pretty impressive from where I was standing, Sunshine,” Seth said from the now open door.

  After a few more words with Boyd, I disconnected the call and stared at Seth for a minute. “Are you putting me in protective custody?”

  “That was the plan,” he said.

  I might have let an expletive or two slip out. There was possibly something about cow excrement. I can recall a few compound curses involving his mother. He took it all just looking at me impassively.

  “You done, Sunshine?”

  I grabbed my bag off the floor. It wasn’t the most authoritative stomp out I’d ever performed since I wasn’t wearing shoes but I felt that my lavender toenail polish lent it a certain gravitas. Or it would have if Seth hadn’t grabbed my arm. I was so outraged I barely f
elt his fingers pressing into the hideous bruise on my bicep I’d earned during our great escape.

  “My turn.”

  I rolled my neck from side to side and nodded, waiting, planning my next attack.

  “That was the plan. Then I changed my mind,” he said. “Instead I asked for Gordon to be assigned to the case with me. Despite his lack of people skills, or maybe because of them, he’s one of the best the ATF has at urban warfare tactics.”

  “You changed your mind? Just like that?” I was skeptical. Seth had been unwavering that he’d do anything to guarantee my safety, even going so far as to ruin any personal relationship we had. Protective custody at an ATF safe house seemed like a no-brainer.

  “It may be the biggest mistake I ever make but when you said that I trusted you to save me, I realized I have to trust you to save yourself too. How’s that for evolved?”

  The way he looked at me lit a fire that shot down between my legs. It was totally inappropriate but if I wasn’t able to resist it when I was mad at him, I wasn’t going to be able to override that impulse when I was feeling the rush of victory and fondly remembering his skin on mine. Once we’d crossed that line there was no going back.

  “I’m sure the answer is no, but if I offered you those fifteen minutes from yesterday morning now … ?”

  I shifted my weight. He locked eyes with me and I wasn’t sure what he was going to do.

  “As much as I’d love to take you up on the offer … ” He closed his eyes for a second and smiled faintly. “Timing, am I right?”

  There was work left to do and, hopefully, plenty of time.

  He inclined his head toward the door. “I think he’s being standoffish with you because he can’t figure you out. You have to admit, you’re pretty casual despite almost dying. He sees you and can’t picture what you did last night. You’ve got to admit, Sunshine, you don’t look like the badass you are. But he’d take a bullet for you, which was the only condition I had for bringing him on.”

  Seth took a step forward but a knock on the door stopped him. He eased back from me and went to open it. I stayed put. After a moment I got up and wandered around the room. Gun still in its TV remote holster. I hadn’t noticed during my B&E that the room still looked move-in ready. Seth had nothing that couldn’t be packed in under an hour. No pictures on the walls, not even a poster of some underwear model that seemed de rigueur for the unattached male. Michael’s room was plastered with them. Even Ben had a few.