Don't Pay Bad for Bad & Other Stories (Cheeky Frawg Historicals)

by Amos Tutuola

  “I agree with happiness,” Akiti replied, smiling.

  “But this is a serious secret between you and we, the strange fellows of the world beyond. You must not disclose to anyone that we come and drink the palm wine on your farm. And you too must not come and spy at us at midnight. This is very dangerous for you,” the strange fellow warned Akiti and then he vanished unexpectedly.

  When the strange fellow had disappeared suddenly, Akiti breathed out heavily with fear and confusion. However, he started to fill up the huge pot with the best quality of palm wine from that day on, with happiness, for he believed that within a few months he would become a rich man in the town.

  Having filled up the strange huge pot with the palm wine for that day, Akiti covered it with its cover, and then to indicate the cost of the wine for the strange fellows he put ten pieces of small stones on top of the cover. Having done all that, he went back to his town. And it was hardly midnight when the strange fellows of the world beyond came in great numbers to the huge pot. They first counted the number of the small stones which Akiti put on top of the cover of the pot, and there were ten in all.

  Then they sat round the pot and started to enjoy themselves with the palm wine in it. After they had drunk the wine continuously for about one hour, they were so intoxicated by it that they stood up. They started to sing the song of the strange fellows of the world beyond, and they started to dance merrily round the huge pot. But as soon as they had drunk the whole wine, they covered the empty pot again. And, after they had put ten pounds on top of the pot, they returned to their world beyond before the darkness disappeared from the sky.

  Hardly the morning sun had appeared in the sky when Akiti came to the huge pot. He was so happy when he met ten pounds on top of the pot that he hastily put it in his pocket and then he danced for some minutes. Now, Akiti was sure that each of the ten small stones was one pound.

  Thus Akiti continued to tap the palm wine for those strange fellows and they left ten pounds on top of the pot each midnight that they came to drink. Within a few years Akiti had become a very rich man in the town, so rich that the rest of the people were confused about whether he had become a burglar.

  Tort the Shell-man was among the people who were confused about Akiti’s riches, and as he was cunning, selfish, greedy, treacherous, merciless, and an expert tale-bearer, he assured the people of the town that he would find out the secret of Akiti’s riches.

  Now, Tort the Shell-man started to go to Akiti’s house every day. He was helping him sharpen his tapping instruments and helping him fetch water from the stream. After a few days, Akiti was so impressed by Tort’s service that he took him to be his loyal bearer, and a good citizen who had changed from his bad behaviours to good behaviours.

  But Tort, with his usual cunning, had only disguised himself to be a good citizen and a trustworthy bearer. So, Akiti allowed him to live in his house, and he was disclosing all his secrets to the Shell-man as if he were part of his family, but he did not tell him about the strange fellows, and he did not allow him to follow him to his palm tree farm.

  As time went on, Akiti continued to tap the palm wine for the strange fellows, until one day Akiti became ill unexpectedly. The illness was so serious that he could not go to the farm and tap the wine for those strange fellows of the world beyond.

  “Ah!” cried the cunning Tort. “This world is vanity. There is only temporary enjoyment in the world! Today is weeping! Tomorrow is happiness! After tomorrow is hisses! The day after tomorrow is a dance of joy, and after that of grief! I am fed up with the irregular life of this world! See now Akiti, who is feeding me and taking care of me. The sickness befalls him! Ah, what should I do now to help him out of his illness? Ah, ah, ah!” Thus Tort, the Shell-man, with his usual cunning, distorted his face and started to weep bitterly in front of Akiti, as if indeed he loved him heartily.

  “Thank you, Tort. That is all right. I know that you love me truly, but don’t let my illness worry you. I shall be free from it soon. You hear?” Akiti comforted Tort. “Eh, please, Tort, call my son Ireti for me!” Akiti shouted.

  “Here is Ireti!” Tort went out and he returned with Ireti.

  “Here I am before you, my father. What can I do for you?” The son sat in front of his sick father, Akiti, and asked him quietly.

  “You see, Ireti, Tort has stopped all of his bad characters completely. He is a nice faithful man now!”

  “You mean this very Tort has become a faithful man, my father?” Ireti asked with laughter.

  “Certainly, my son!” Akiti confirmed loudly.

  “Not at all, my father. Tort’s bad behaviours are even getting worse and worse every day!”

  “No, my son. Tort’s behaviours towards me have proved that he has become a good citizen!”

  “Well, he might have changed to a faithful citizen, but I have not yet seen that in his behaviours, my father!” Ireti emphasized and shrugged.

  “But I am no more a traitor or a villain!” Tort shouted and pretended to be annoyed.

  “Do you hear him now? He has confirmed all I am just telling you about his changes! So, as he is no more a traitor or a villain or a criminal, I want him to go to my farm to help me tap the palm wine for the strange fellows of the world beyond!” Akiti disclosed his aim to Ireti.

  “My father, don’t try to send Tort to your farm to tap wine for the strange fellows. Tort is also a busy-body!” Ireti warned his father aloud.

  “Akiti, don’t listen to your son. Just tell me the road to your farm and I’ll tap the wine for the fellows as well as you have been doing!” Tort shouted as he scowled at Ireti angrily.

  “Good of you, Tort the Shell-man. Look at that high mighty hill which is on the outskirts of the town. Do you see it?” Akiti stood up and he pointed at the hill through the window.

  “Yes, yes, I see it, far away!” Tort peered at the hill and shouted.

  “All right, when you go behind the hill you will see my farm there, about two kilometers from the hill. Then you will see one small pitcher on top of each of the palm trees. When you remove a pitcher, you will see that some quantity of the wine has flowed into the pitcher. Then you will pour the wine in it into the huge pot, which you will see under a tree near there. And it is so you will pour the wine which is inside of all the pitchers into the same huge pot. Having done so, then you will cover the pot with its cover. Then you will put ten pieces of small stones on top of the cover. You must not wait to see the strange fellows, but you should instead return to the town at once. Tort the Shell-man do not attempt to see the fellows because they will come to the huge pot at midnight to drink their palm wine. I warn you again!”

  “Please go to the farm now and do the work for me!” Akiti did not pay heed to his son’s advice, but he instead sent Tort, the traitor and busy-body, to his farm.

  Without hesitation, Tort took Akiti’s tapping instruments and went to the farm. As he was very smart, he climbed all the palm trees within a few hours. He poured the wine in each pitcher into the huge pot. Then he replaced each pitcher on top of each of the palm trees. After that he covered the huge pot with its cover and he put ten pieces of small stones on top of the cover.

  But then Tort the Shell-man, instead of returning to town, lurked in the bush near the huge pot, in order to see those strange fellows of the world beyond.

  “Has Tort returned from the farm, father?” Ireti entered the room and asked his father.

  “He has not returned. I wonder why he has kept so long on the farm!” Akiti replied to his son with a throbbing heart.

  “Hmmm. I am afraid Tort is very dangerous!” Ireti remarked to his father and he shook his head.

  “But Tort has proved himself to have changed from bad to good!” Akiti doubted

  “I am very sorry, father. Tort will wait on the farm to see with his eyes the strange fellows. I am sure of that!”

  “But I have warned him seriously not to try to see them!” Akiti feared.

  “Well, let
us wait and see the outcome!” Ireti said and then he shrugged and walked outside of the house.

  But Tort the Shell-man did not return, and instead he lurked in the bush near the huge pot, waiting to see what the strange fellows of the world beyond looked like. When it was midnight the fellows arrived with one drinking vessel in the hands of each of them. They sat around the huge pot and then they started to drink the palm wine greedily.

  Now, Tort the Shell-man, from his lurking place, craned at the fellows and saw them clearly, but he was not self-aware when their horrible appearance aroused him, and so he shouted horribly and with derision at them. And as they had drunk so much that they were highly intoxicated, all of them stood up and were dancing drunkenly round the huge pot, with the fearful enchanted song of their own.

  They then heard Tort’s shout and derision: “Aha-ah-a! I see you! You are too terrible and ugly for the human beings to look at! Hah! Those of you who are wobbled to one side! Those of you whose bodies are twisted! Those who have one foot and an oval head! Those of you with one eye! Those of you with mighty feet and with sharp horns on your heads! And so many of you are without ears! Hah! Eh! You all, the strange fellows of the world beyond, are really miscreated by your creator!” Tort shouted with derision and then he hastily crouched back into his lurking place.

  “Who has seen us and scorned us bitterly like that?” one of those with a wobbled body shouted angrily. All of them stopped dancing suddenly, alert and in great anger.

  “It must be Akiti, our tapper, who has spied us out and disdained us bitterly like that!” the rest replied angrily.

  “Then let us search for him and catch him and then kill him at once, because I warned him that he should not wait and see us, but instead return to his town as soon as he had filled up our huge pot with the palm wine. Let us kill him now; otherwise he will tell our secret to all his people!” one of those with horns on head suggested angrily.

  But as soon as Tort had heard that they wanted to kill him, he hastily escaped to the town before they started to search for him. Thus the strange fellows of the world beyond failed to kill Tort who they took as Akiti, their tapper.

  They then returned to their world beyond with great anger, and they waited until they would get a good chance to do their worst to Akiti.

  “Oh, Akiti, I am sorry that I have taken too long to return home as early as possible!” Tort, with his cunning, shouted immediately as he entered the house.

  “But what has kept you so long on the farm?” Akiti shouted angrily.

  “I believe, when I was returning to the house, the faster I trekked the longer the road became!” Tort deceived Akiti.

  “What are you telling me? The road became longer when you were returning to the house?” Akiti was astonished.

  “Certainly, the road became longer!” Tort confirmed his lie.

  “My father, let me tell you, Tort has left trouble for you on the farm. I am quite sure of that!” Akiti’s son, Ireti hinted to his father aloud.

  “But Tort, tell me the truth. Have you spied on those strange fellows?” Akiti turned to Tort and asked with fear.

  “That is not true! If I waited and spied on the fellows, it means that I have belittled myself to you. It means I am treacherous and I am a traitor and a merciless villain, as the people have taken me to be!” Tort confirmed what he was.

  “Well, I shall know everything which you have done on the farm when I go there in three days’ time, or as soon as I am well,” Akiti hissed and remarked confusedly.

  But before three days passed, Akiti was already well. As he was preparing to go to the farm, his son Ireti saw him. He told him that he would accompany him to the farm to help him tap the wine, because Ireti was indeed afraid that Tort the Shell-man had spied on the strange fellows, although his father had warned him not to spy on them. But Akiti refused his son to accompany him to the farm; for he was afraid that Ireti was so young that he would attempt to spy on those fellows.

  However, when Ireti was sure that his father would not allow him to follow him to the farm, he put a little quantity of ashes in his father’s farm-satchel. Having done so, then he split the bottom of the satchel a bit to allow the ashes drop on to the ground little by little. Then he hid himself in one corner of the house, and from there he kept watching for when his father would leave the house for his farm.

  When Akiti got ready to leave, he simply hung his farm-satchel on his shoulder with his tapping instruments. Then he left the house without suspecting that his son had split the bottom of his satchel and put the ashes there. But, when Akiti was trekking along on the road to his farm, the ashes began to spill along the road, and thus the ashes gave a visible trail behind him.

  One hour after Akiti had left the house, Ireti left the house as well. He followed the trail of the ashes until he came to the farm. But since he did not want his father to see him, he hid himself in a small bush, which was near the huge pot in which his father used to fill the palm wine for the strange fellows. That was how Ireti traced the visible trail to his father’s farm.

  Then Ireti kept looking at his father as Akiti was climbing one palm tree to the top and then another, tapping the palm wine. Ireti was hiding or lurking in that small bush so that he might rescue his father from death, because he was sure that the strange fellows would definitely come to kill his father that morning, in reaction to Tort’s misbehaviour which had affected them a few days ago.

  Soon Akiti had filled up the huge pot with palm wine and he prepared to leave for the town. As a matter of fact, the strange fellows appeared unexpectedly. Without hesitation, two of them chased Akiti as he was running away for his life. As Ireti saw what was happening to his father, the two fellows dragged his father to the rest of them, who stood round the huge pot, and they were sulking in great anger.

  Having forced Akiti to stand back on his feet, one of those with a wobbled body questioned him. “Why did you wait and spy on us a few days ago, despite you having been warned that mankind is banned from seeing us in our proper form?”

  “I have not done so since when I started to tap the palm wine for you. More, I was ill for the past few days, so I could not come to the farm at all!” Akiti replied trembling.

  “But who waited and shouted on us with disdain a few days ago?” the champion of the strange fellows shouted horribly.

  “Perhaps the man who waited and shouted on you might be Tort the Shell-man, who I sent to tap the wine for you. I made such arrangement with Tort so that you could get the wine to drink until when I was well,” Akiti explained with fear as his son, Ireti, was watching him from his hiding place.

  “By the way, who is this Tort the Shell-man you are often mentioning to us?” all the strange fellows shouted horribly.

  “Tort the Shell-man is my fellow townsfolk and my close friend who I trust indeed, but Shell-man is his nickname. Though he is clever and cheerful, he has also been condemned by the whole people of the town, for he is cunning, selfish, treacherous, and cruel, and he is also an expert traitor, liar, trickster, extortioner, highway robber and terror of terrors, the worst who was ever born in our land. But, he had confessed to me that he had stopped all of these abnormal characters before I had befriended him. So for his confession, I sent him to tap the wine for you!” Akiti defended himself by revealing Tort’s abnormal bad characters to the strange fellows.

  “Though your defense has amused us to have mercy on you, we find you guilty for knowing Tort the Shell-man, knowing that he has many abnormal bad characters and sending him to your farm to tap the palm wine for us,” the champion remarked angrily. “However”, continued the champion, “the sentence is quashed, and we will have mercy on you because you sent Tort to tap the wine for us in order to satisfy us when you were ill. Instead to of killing you mercilessly, you will wrestle with each of us. If you can knock each of us to death, that means you are fortunate and can continue to live on earth.”

  “But, if any one of us knocks you down to death, then that is
your fate. You will pass to the everlasting world beyond. You will not see your wife, children, and friends any longer. Do you agree to the terms, Akiti?” the champion of the strange fellows concluded, while the whole of them kept quiet to hear Akiti’s excuse.

  “We the people of the earth are not stones, so we are liable to become sick any time. But, to let you have the wine to drink every midnight, I sent Tort to tap it for you,” Akiti reminded them once more.

  “But I shall remind you now, Akiti, that ‘the parrot is the bird of the sea,’ is it not?” one of those oval-headed fellows reminded Akiti with a proverb.

  “Yes, it is. ‘The kingfisher is the bird of the lagoon,’” Akiti replied in proverb.

  “Oh-o-oh! You know that ‘when we eat and drink we must not forget our solemn promises,’ or not so, Akiti?” the oval-headed fellow brought Akiti’s promises back to his memory. This oval-headed fellow was the fellow who disguised himself as a human and came to Akiti, and he made the arrangement with him to tap the palm wine for all of them. But he had warned Akiti not to disclose their secret to anybody and Akiti promised him that day that he would not. And now Akiti had let Tort known the secret of the strange fellows of the world beyond, though not by his own will, and he would be punished.

  “I agree to wrestle with every one of you, since I have gone against my promises. Alas, in trying not to disappoint you with the wine, I sent Tort to tap it for you!” Akiti lamented as he was putting his spells on neck, wrists, shins and knees. Akiti’s son, Ireti, who squatted and hid himself in a small bush near there, was watching his father as he was making himself ready to wrestle with the strange fellows.

  Akiti had hardly put on his spells when the champion of the fellows gave the order to one of those who had no ears to wrestle with Akiti, but Akiti knocked that one to death at once.