Don't Pay Bad for Bad & Other Stories (Cheeky Frawg Historicals)

by Amos Tutuola

  “‘The white ants may try, but they cannot devour the rocks,’” Akiti’s son, Ireti, whispered in proverb from his lurking place. And within a few minutes, Akiti knocked all of them to death except the champion, whose head was oval.

  When the champion walked to the spot of the match, he stood firmly on the ground like a big tree and he challenged Akiti with great anger. Then both of them dashed against each other. Akiti was wrestling with him with all his power. The champion was trying all his power to raise Akiti high up and knock him down to death, but Akiti did not give him a bit of a chance. Akiti, too, was trying with all his power several times in a minute to knock him down to death, but the oval-headed champion did not give him any chance to do so.

  As Akiti was dodging here and there and the champion was jumping here and there like a tiger, so Ireti was doing in his hiding place. Sometimes he craned at his father and then he hastily squatted back so that the champion might not see him. Sometimes when his father held the champion with all his power and he was trying to raise him up and knock him down to death, thus Ireti held a tree which was near him. He would shake it and try to lift it up and then knock it down. Sometimes he kicked a heavy stone which was near him. He was greatly confused at that moment, as well as his father. All his father’s attempts were arousing him to come out and help him, but he knew he must not let the champion see him.

  At last, Akiti was so tired that he was unable to raise the champion up any longer. Having seen that his father would soon give up the fight, Ireti began to shake and perspire as he was moving here and there, kicking and boxing every object which was near him.

  As the fight continued and became more and more fierce, Ireti saw that his father was getting weaker and weaker, but the oval-headed champion was still strong. He began to whisper to his father to kick the champion in the belly. But alas, his father could not hear him. So Ireti continued to kick the ground, stone, and trees here and there. The oval-headed champion finally raised Akiti high up and then he knocked him down to death at last.

  Without hesitation, the champion ran wearily to the small bush in which Ireti lurked. He cut seven leaves from seven small trees. Though his hands nearly touched Ireti, being that he was in hurry, he did not see him.

  Then the strange fellow returned to the bodies of his fellows who had been knocked to death by Akiti. He squeezed all of the leaves together in both his palms, and then he rubbed the juice which came out from the leaves on the eyes of his dead fellows. All of them recovered from death immediately except Akiti. And as soon as he threw the squeezed leaves on the ground there, he and his fellows disappeared immediately,

  When Ireti noticed that they had disappeared, he came to the dead body of his father. He took the same squeezed leaves which the oval-headed champion threw on the ground. He rubbed his father’s eyes with the juice, which he forced out from them. And, to his astonishment, his father recovered from his death immediately, like those strange fellows. Then Ireti and his father went to their town at once.

  Thus Ireti rescued his father, Akiti, from the strange fellows of the world beyond. As soon as Tort the Shell-man learned that Akiti had returned to his house, he fled to another part of town, where he looked for another person to betray and dupe of his money.

  When Akiti failed to catch Tort and have revenge on him, he came back to his house dejected.

  “My father,” Ireti appealed, “leave Tort the Shell-man for other people to have revenge on him. But as ‘a tormentor makes his victims stronger,’ I believe you will not allow anybody to betray you again like Tort the Shell-man!” Ireti remarked in proverb.

  TORT AND THE DANCING MARKET-WOMEN

  “Ah, our present king’s regime is bitter and unfortunate for the people of the town!” Tort the Shell-man shouted dejectedly, one morning.

  “Why do you say so?” his wife, the Beetle-woman, asked.

  “It is in our present king’s regime that the great famine has besieged the town,” Tort explained bitterly to his wife.

  “Of course, the famine is raging bitterly now in every part of the town!” Tort’s Beetle-woman supported her husband’s view.

  “But I am dying of hunger now!” Tort lamented greedily to his wife.

  “Not you alone are dying of hunger, but also our children and myself. And about ninety percent of the people in the town are already in the trap of death!” The Beetle-woman despaired.

  “But how can we escape from the hunger?” asked Tort bitterly.

  “We cannot escape the famine when it has already spread to every part of the town!” replied the Beetle-woman.

  “But what of the king too?” Tort wondered.

  “You should realize that ‘What affects the eyes also affects the nose,’” the Beetle-woman explained in proverb.

  “Hmm,” Tort grumbled. “But of course,” he continued in proverb, “‘Twenty children cannot play together for twenty years.’”

  “But what do you mean by that?” Tort’s wife was confused.

  “What I mean by that is that the famine will not continue forever,” Tort told his wife. Although Tort the Shell-man was a very handsome young man, he was the most greedy, cunning, omnivorous, slothful, and expert pilferer ever born in the town. He and his children and wife, the Beetle-woman, were most affected by the famine.

  This famine, however, did not affect the next town. In this next town, there was a famous marketplace which flourished with all kinds of food-stuffs. For this, thousands of people came from various towns, cities and villages, to buy and sell goods every market-day.

  One day, Tort the Shell-man sat down in front of his house, dying of hunger, while his wife and children were held up inside the house by hunger. Then with his usual cunning and abnormal bad characters, he began to plan seriously in his mind how he could go and carry foodstuffs from the market to his house without paying for them. Having thought and thought for a while, an evil thought of how he would raid the market successfully came to his mind.

  As soon as the evil thought had come to Tort’s mind, he stood up. He went to the famous marketplace. Then he went from one stall to another and he noticed the kinds of the foodstuffs which were in each. But he did not attempt to steal from the food; otherwise, the Parakoyi, or the guild of traders, would arrest him and punish him with death.

  However, Tort the Shell-man returned to his town of famine with full hope. He hardly got to the town when he went to one man who was a strong hole-digger.

  “Good afternoon, Hole-digger!” Tort greeted him as he was perspiring profusely.

  “Hallo, Tort the Shell-man! Why do I see you in my house today in the hot sun like this? Hope there is nothing bad which is chasing you about?” asked the Hole-digger with a joke and laughter.

  “Hmm,” Tort grumbled and then he sat beside the Hole-digger. “‘If there is nothing wrong, a woman will not carry the dead,’” Tort replied in a proverb. “It is the hunger,” he continued, “that has driven me to your house!”

  “What? Hunger?” The Hole-digger was shocked. “But I have not seen or known hunger as a living thing with feet since I was born on earth!” he gazed at Tort and shouted with wonder.

  “Is that so?” Tort wondered. “But of course,” he continued, “as you are a hole-digger, you cannot experience the hunger because you are getting edible things from the holes which you dig every day!” Tort shouted humorously. “The raging famine in the town has caused the great hunger!” he added in the voice of an indigent person.

  “Ho-o-o, is that so? I understand now what is chasing you about!” the Hole-digger exclaimed. “But, ‘a hungry person has no mind for any other matter,’” he joked in proverb.

  “And, ‘the hunger does not realize that there is no money at home, but we feel hungry every day,’” Tort supported the Hole-digger with a proverb.

  “All right, but what do you wish me to do for you, Tort, the cunning Shell-man?” the Hole-digger asked and hesitated.

  “I wish you to help me dig a huge tunnel under th
e ground from my room down to the outskirt of the famous marketplace which is in the next town,” Tort begged in earnest.

  “Well, to dig a huge tunnel in which a man can walk upright to the famous market-place is an easy thing for me to do. But, you will give me one full basket of the kola-nuts. As you know, the kola-nuts are my refreshing food when I am digging holes,” the Hole-digger demanded.

  “Well, well,” Tort raised his head up and murmured. “But, ‘a roasted dog is very pleasant, but what shall we eat before it is roasted?’” Tort murmured to the Hole-digger in proverb.

  “But,” replied the Hole-digger in proverb, “‘One who does not give should not expect to receive.’”

  “Well, if it is so, I shall go to some farms where I may get some kola-nuts for you.” Tort went away doubtfully.

  But Tort could not get the kola-nuts, especially in this time of great famine. Instead, he filled up one bag with gravel and then he brought the heavy bag to the Hole-digger as kola-nuts. The Hole-digger hastily took the heavy bag from Tort and he was so happy and pleased that he did not attempt to loosen the bag and see what was inside it, but he simply hid it in his room.

  Then in the night, he dug a very huge tunnel under the ground from one of Tort’s rooms down to the outskirt of the famous marketplace. The following morning, Tort entered the tunnel. He walked inside it to the outskirt of the famous marketplace. Then he hid himself near the entrance of it. There he was waiting for daybreak, when the market-women would arrive at the market with their foodstuffs.

  As soon as it was daybreak, multitudes of women and men traders arrived at the market. When it was about eight o’clock, and the noises of the people were filling up the air, Tort the Shell-man came out cautiously from his hiding place. He started to sing a kind of enchanting song unexpectedly.

  The song was very enchanting when the multitude of people heard it. They did not know when they left their foodstuffs and other wares, but they jumped up and started to dance madly about in the market. As Tort continued to sing the song, the people were not aware as they danced far away from the marketplace.

  Then, without hesitation, Tort walked to their stalls. He carried nearly all their foodstuffs into his huge tunnel. Having done so as quickly as possible, he blocked the entrance of the hole with a flat stone. Then, through the tunnel, he carried it all to his room. So he, his wife and children ate from the food to their entire satisfaction.

  As soon as the magic song died down and the market-women were conscious, they returned wearily to their stalls. They were confused and panicked when they saw that almost all of their wares had disappeared. Then they went back to their respective towns, cities, and villages with empty hands.

  It was so Tort the Shell-man scared the people away from the marketplace with his enchanting magic song and carried away their wares for a number of market-days. The market-women and other people thought that it was an evil immortal being who came to the market and carried their wares away each market-day.

  Having seen that thousands of the women traders had deserted the marketplace, “Parakoyi” or the guild of traders reported what was happening in the market to the king of this town.

  The following market-day, the king and his regents went to the marketplace in order to see what was happening there for themselves. But, as soon as Tort peeped from his huge tunnel and saw that people had already filled up in the market and that they had displayed their wares in the stalls, he started to sing his usual enchanting song. And as soon as people had danced far away, along with the king and his regents, Tort walked to the stalls and started to carry their foodstuffs into his tunnel. As he continued to carry the food from one stall to another, he saw the king’s crown and tassel on the ground, and he carried both together with the food into his tunnel. And through the tunnel, he carried it all to his room.

  The king was not aware when his crown fell from his head onto the ground and his cow-tail tassel fell down also from his hand, because he, and his regents, and the other people enjoyed the magic song so much that they were unconscious immediately.

  Soon after Tort had stopped singing his magic song, the king, his regents and the other people became conscious. But, when they returned to the market, they were extremely surprised and afraid when they saw that almost all of the foodstuffs had been carried away.

  The king and his regents returned to the palace with grief and fear, and the women and traders returned to their respective towns, cities, and villages with empty hands.

  “Kabiyesi [Your Worship], where is your crown?” one of the chiefs asked with amazement.

  “My crown? My crown! But where is my crown?” The king scrambled his forehead with both his hands and shouted terribly.

  “And where is your tassel?” one of the councilors asked.

  “Oh, yes, my tassel as well! But where is it?” The king was greatly confused.

  “Perhaps all had fallen off from you when Your Worship was dancing in the marketplace!” another one of the regents reminded the king.

  When it was the next market-day, the king sent the Four-footed Osanyin (the god of healing who is vast in knowledge of magic spells of all kinds) to the marketplace. He ordered him to catch and bring to him whomsoever deprived those market-women of their wares each market-day, and also to find and bring his crown and tassel to him.

  Though the Four-footed Osanyin went fearlessly to the market, he could not wait and catch the culprit once he had heard Tort’s enchanting song. Instead, he danced and danced madly along the way to the palace. But, to everyone’s horror, three of his four feet had fallen off on the way, and so he hardly reached the palace with the remaining one.

  “Have you seen or caught the evil culprit who is raiding the market?” the king asked impatiently.

  “Oh, Kabiyesi, ‘an elephant’s head is not a load for a child,’” the Four-footed Osanyin explained in a proverb with great fear. “Though I have a lot of magic spells and wands, I could not wait and catch one who is stealing the women’s wares. But once I had heard his song, I started to dance and dance madly until I came back to you! Kabiyesi, this is not a simple matter at all! Even three of my four feet had fallen off my body and all of my spells and wands had fallen away from me as well on the way!” the Four-footed Osanyin explained to the king, trembling in fear.

  “So you have failed to catch him?” the king wondered.

  “Kabiyesi, I’ll repeat it to you. ‘An elephant’s head is not a load for a child,’” the Four-footed Osanyin emphasized in proverb. “But Kabiyesi,” he continued, “don’t take it as an insult that I stand before you and am speaking to you in proverb—a messenger like me should not speak to you in that way!” The Four-footed Osanyin bowed with respect and apologized.

  “Yes, I forgive you,” the king pardoned him for speaking to him in proverb.

  “But what did the market raider look like?” one chief asked confusedly.

  “I could not describe him at all because I am not bold enough to wait and see him well!” the Four-footed Osanyin explained.

  “But have you seen my crown and my tassel, the cow-tail?” the king asked.

  “I could not wait and search for them in the market,” he replied.

  “Oh, well, well,” the king beat his head and said with a tired voice. “But you, the Four-footed Osanyin, who we the people of the town supposed to be the most powerful and vast in magic spells and wands, have failed to catch the invisible culprit!”

  Fortunately, when the king was just lowering his head down in confusion, the One-footed Osanyinleapt in to the palace. Having prostrated in front of the king and his chiefs and counselors, he said, “Kabiyesi, I have just heard of the invisible creature who is raiding the market I have come to promise you that I am well vast in magic spells and bold enough to catch the invisible creature!”

  “You, but One-footed Osanyin,are promising me that you can catch the invisible market raider?” the king, chiefs, and the counselors derided the One-footed Osanyin.

  �
��Certainly, it is a thing which I can do easily, though I am a One-footed Osanyin!”

  “But the Four-footed Osanyin, who is more knowledgeable in magic spells and wands than you, had failed woefully to catch the culprit. How much more can you do with only one foot?” the king doubted.

  “Kabiyesi, just send me to the marketplace and see what I shall do!” One-footed Osanyin insisted on going.

  “All right, tomorrow is another market-day. I order you, go there and catch the invisible thief and bring him before me,” the king ordered doubtfully.

  The following morning, which was a market-day, One-footed Osanyin took his magic spells, his blacksmith bellows, one thick, sharp, pointed iron rod, and a little quantity of coals and fire. Then he went to the marketplace. Having got there, he hid himself in one corner and made fire with the coals. He put the iron rod in the fire and then he started to blow the fire continuously with the bellows.

  As soon as the market was full of people, as usual as“A lobster-eater cannot stop at eating only one,” Tort came to the market through his huge tunnel to carry the women’s foodstuffs away again.

  But when he started to sing his usual enchanting song, and the women and other people in the market heard it and then danced madly away, and so he came out from his hole to the market. As the Shell-man was going from one stall to another, he was collecting the foodstuffs together. But, One-footed Osanyin could not dance along with the women, for he had only one foot. Tort’s magic song had no effect on him. So, he saw Tort in the stalls and then he hastily took his pointed red-hot iron rod from the fire. He leapt fast to Tort. Then he pushed him down suddenly and without hesitation he pierced the red-hot iron into the unhappy Shell-man’s neck.

  Tort began to lament loudly for pain. “Ah, One-footed Osanyin, pardon me! Pardon me! I will become your slave as from today and onward! Please, One-footed Osanyin pardon me! I will become your slave today!” But the One-footed Osanyin did not listen to him, and he carried him to the king instead.