Waiting to Breathe: Book One of the Waiting Duet

by Alyson Reynolds

  “I told you to stay the fuck away from her. You should have fucking listened.”

  “Nate, stop!”

  I rushed over and grabbed his arm before he could punch him again.

  “Olivia, go out into the hall.” His voice was calm despite the fact that he was so livid.

  “Not unless you go with me.”

  My eyes pleaded with his. He hesitated for a minute, but he slowly released Christian’s shirt and stepped away from him. I took Nate’s hand and led him a few more steps away. Nate never took his eyes off Christian as I tugged him behind me.

  My hand ached from breaking Christian’s nose. The fucker had a really hard face. I didn’t want to walk away, but Olivia needed me. It took everything I had to leave him there on the ground and not punch him several more times. At least until he was unconscious.

  “Are you okay?” I looked her up and down quickly. She didn’t look like he’d touched her, but if he had I might go back in there and make sure he didn’t get up again.

  “I’m fine,” she said quickly. “What do we do now?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “Are you sure you’re okay? I’m more worried about you than anything.”

  I cupped her face and stared into her eyes. When she passed inspection I pulled her into my chest and hugged her tight.

  “What are you even doing here?”

  “I left one of the books I needed for my study group in your room. Thank goodness I did. Did he touch you?”

  She paused. “No, not really. I stopped him before it got to that. Do we call campus security? I don’t want you to get in trouble for punching him. Oh God, you might get expelled.”

  “I was protecting you. I don’t think it’ll come to that. None of that matters as long as you’re safe, Olivia.”

  “I think I have a better idea, but you might not like it.”

  “What?” Suspicion tinged my voice.

  “I think I need to call my dad so he can have a meeting with Christian’s dad. We’re going home for Thanksgiving break tomorrow, so I think it’ll be a good idea. I’ll just stay with you tonight.”

  “I don’t like the part about waiting to talk to your Dad, but I’ll deal as long as he stays away from you. And you know you can stay with me every night, cupcake.”

  I ran my fingers along her cheek and she leaned her head into my hand. “Okay, so now how do we get him out of there?”

  “Let me handle this.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Will he end up with any more broken bones?”

  “No, I promise. I’m just going to give him his options. You can stand at the door and listen.”

  She sighed, but didn’t argue. I opened the door and stared at Christian. He had managed to move onto the bed, but he looked pathetic and broken. If I’d lost Olivia, I would feel the same way.

  “We aren’t calling campus security, but if you ever get near Olivia again she’s going to press charges. You stepped so far over the fucking line you can’t even see it anymore, Christian. Olivia is going to tell her parents what happened, so I bet by the morning your parents will know too. Enjoy your Thanksgiving break.”

  He glared up at me. “I’m going to sue you for breaking my nose.”

  “Go ahead. You know whose name is on those buildings. I’m not too worried about you. I don’t think I’m above the law, but I do think that it would be warranted for me to beat the shit out of some guy who was about to assault his ex-girlfriend.” Christian stood up and knocked my shoulder as he walked past. “By the way, I wouldn’t plan on staying at the frat house tonight. I’m going to tell Finn what happened as soon as I get back there if Olivia hasn’t already called him.”

  He blanched, and I was happy with the information he was terrified of Finn. I would have been too if it was me. Finn was built like a fucking tank and if Christian thought it hurt when I punched him, he knew it would be even worse if Finn got ahold of him. Olivia ducked out of sight as he walked towards the elevator. I pulled Olivia into her room as soon as he pressed the button and closed the door behind us.

  “Get everything you need for your trip home. I don’t want you coming back here alone and I don’t know if I’ll be able to bring you back tomorrow before we leave.”

  “I’m already packed, let me grab my bag.”

  Olivia went into the closet and the door to the room burst open.

  “You guys will never guess what I just saw.” Cora looked excited and nervous all at once.

  “Christian with a bloody nose?” I asked, looking down at my hand. I flexed it and winced. My knuckles were already swollen.

  “Holy shit, Nate. You let him walk away?”

  “Yeah,” I said, looking at Olivia. “I did.”

  She cupped my hand in hers and looked at the blood covering it. “We need to get ice on that.”

  “I’ll be okay. Let’s head out, cupcake.”

  Cora pulled Olivia into a tight hug and whispered something into her ear that I couldn’t hear. Olivia smiled back at her and nodded once.

  “Call me tomorrow when you’re ready to head out. Finn said he would drive, but I think we should take my car,” Olivia told Cora.

  “Sounds good to me, we can bug Finn the whole way home.”

  Olivia smiled and I waved at Cora as we left. I pulled Olivia close to my side as we walked back to the frat house. My first instinct was to take her away from campus and not to a place that Christian technically lived, but I knew he wouldn’t be there tonight after my warning.

  “Nate, your study group!”

  Shit. I completely forgot about it while I was pounding in Christian’s face.

  “It’s okay. I’ll call Lila and tell her what happened. We didn’t have much to talk about anyway. I can catch up on everything over the break.”

  “Are you sure? You can probably still catch the last half.”

  “I’m not leaving you after that, Olivia. You were almost assaulted in your own dorm room by your ex-boyfriend. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m fine. I’m more worried about how Finn’s going to react, but I think I can keep him from doing anything too stupid.”

  I stopped walking and pulled her in front of me. Confusion crossed her face for a split second before I cupped her face and kissed her softly. She let me kiss her eyelids, cheeks and nose. This girl amazed me. After everything she had just been through, she was more afraid of how her brother would react.

  “We’ll tell him in my room. Hopefully he won’t go crazy and break all my things like he would in his own room.”

  She tried to smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

  “Come on hulk; let’s go get some ice on your hand.”

  ____

  The drive home was awful and made worse by the fact that Olivia was driving in the opposite direction. SCU was between our two towns. I lived two hours away from campus in Madison, and she lived forty-five minutes away in Oxford. My only consolation was the beautiful southern coastline in the distance as I drove up the highway.

  I cranked up the music and tried not to think about what might happen if things got bad at home. Moving home wasn’t an option. I couldn’t give up any more of my life to fix my mother’s mistakes. Now I just had to tell her that, and it was a conversation I was dreading.

  My mom was home from her therapy retreat and Riley said she was doing well. We had talked on the phone a few times since she went to the inpatient center. She said she understood why I hadn’t come to the hospital and she fully supported my decision, but I didn’t know if that would change when I was actually in the room with her. Diana Ford enjoyed downing her depression medication with alcohol.

  “Guys, I’m home,” I called out, throwing down my bag in the front entryway.

  “In the kitchen,” my Mom yelled back. She did sound good. Her small arms wrapped around my waist when I walked in the door. The woman was tiny, but she was like a freight train.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “My baby boy, I’m so gla
d you’re home. Riley is driving me nuts.”

  “Riley is taking care of you,” I corrected her. He choked back a laugh from across the kitchen.

  “Either way, he’s fluttering around me like a mother bird. It’s driving me crazy. I’m doing much better and we have discussed the suicide attempt in full at the therapy sessions. I understand and take responsibility.”

  Jumping right in are we?

  “Mom, I’m happy you’re doing better, but we are all still really concerned about you.”

  “I understand, Nathaniel, but I can’t try to control you by being reckless. You deserve to live your life too.”

  I raised an eyebrow at Riley and he shrugged.

  “I’m glad you get that, Mom. Why are we talking about this the second I’m in the door?”

  “I don’t want this to be an elephant in the room, so I wanted to get it over with. You should enjoy your trip home.”

  She nuzzled my cheek and I laughed.

  “Wow. I’m proud of you mom. So what’s your next step in therapy?”

  She waived the question away. “We have plenty of time to talk about that later. Are you hungry? I made your favorites.”

  Sure enough, all the foods I loved sat on the stove cooking away. Chicken and rice, coleslaw, and homemade biscuits were all ready and waiting for me. To her credit, she did make Riley’s favorite peach pie for dessert.

  After dinner we went into the den. I was surprised by her calm demeanor. My mother was normally either manic with energy or depressed to the point she couldn’t leave her bed. It was impressive that she was stable for once. I also hadn’t seen her have so much as a sip of alcohol.

  “Come here son, I want to talk. Well, really I want to apologize.” She sighed and took my hand in hers. “Over the years, I’ve put impossible standards on you. I made you take on too much responsibility, and essentially tried to make you be your father. It wasn’t fair and I’m sorry.” She choked back tears and continued. “I’ve been a horrible mother, but I want to do better. Not for you, but for me.”

  “You got all this from therapy?”

  “I got all this from how I’ve acted over the years and finally being sober enough to realize how badly I’ve failed you.”

  “Mom, before dad passed away you weren’t a bad mother. After he died, you retreated into yourself. We all thought you were just grieving. Maybe I took on too much and made you feel like we didn’t need you. It’s not all your fault.”

  “I was the adult. You were seventeen when your dad died. You shouldn’t have taken on raising your brothers.”

  “They were fifteen and twelve. The needed a role model of some sort.”

  “Yes, but you weren’t just someone they looked up to. You took over raising them because I fell apart.”

  I had sacrificed for her and my brothers. I never knew if she understood the depth of what I had taken on after my dad passed. My grandparents tried to help out as much as they could, but being so far away made it hard.

  “You should have gone to NYU.”

  “What was I supposed to do? Everything was falling apart here. I couldn’t just abandon you guys.”

  “And that’s why you are an amazing son. Thank you for everything you did. I want you to quit blaming yourself for the trouble that Jon is getting into. You can’t control his actions any more than you can control mine.”

  I did blame myself for everything that my little brother was doing. He was going down a dark path that wasn’t going to end well if he wasn’t careful. When did my mother become so perceptive? It was so odd to be having this conversation with her. I stood up and started pacing the room.

  “Nathaniel, you need to take care of yourself. Go to medical school and do what you want to do. Riley says there’s a girl back in Beaufort.”

  “Fucking, Riley,” I mumbled.

  She laughed, but continued. “Nate, if she’s important to you, don’t let a second pass that she doesn’t know it. People are taken too soon off this earth. I should know. Cherish every second you get with her.”

  “She’s amazing. Olivia is...I think I’m in love with her, but it scares the hell out of me. She’s had a hard life so far and I’m afraid of scaring her off.”

  “Honey, you don’t think you’re in love with someone. People only say they think they know something when they’re scared. You love her, and I think you should tell her.”

  “You think?” I teased.

  “Well I know, but I can only meddle in your life so much without getting in trouble. I love you, son. Thank you for taking care of this family when it wasn’t your responsibility.”

  “I love you too, Mom.” I leaned down and gave her a big hug. “I’m glad you’re back.”

  “Me too,” she whispered. I watched her wipe away a few stray tears. After the nightmare of her life the past few years, she was finally starting to fight.

  Thanksgiving break was just as bad as I thought it would be. My parents barely looked at me, and I felt guilty for everything they had been through over the past two years. It didn’t register with them that I was the one that actually gave my daughter up for adoption and I was hurting far worse than them. Thomas and Nora Crawford tried to avoid scandal at all costs, unless it benefited them to act like the injured party.

  When I told my father about what Christian did in my dorm room, he blamed it on the grief of losing his daughter, but promised to call his father. I’m sure he did, but just to bitch about me and what a selfish daughter I was. Mentioning the gag order only upset him further. To me, it wasn’t about not mentioning Ellie, it was not allowing Christian to make me feel like shit again. He had said nasty, horrible things that I hoped Finn never found out about, otherwise they would never find Christian’s body.

  I counted each day until I was able to see Nate again. We text all day every day, but not being able to see him or touch him was torture. The most exciting thing during my trip had been sexting with Nate after Thanksgiving dinner.

  My parents weren’t ready to hear about me moving on and dating new people, but I told them about Nathaniel Ford. Dad did admit that if I had to move on that he approved of the family that I chose. Apparently they came from old money, which surprised the hell out of me. Nate never mentioned anything about having money. Finn hadn’t mentioned it either. It never would have occurred to me that his family was southern royalty.

  The only time I ever heard him mention his family name was after he broke Christian’s nose. It made sense now that he talked about his name being on the buildings around. The freaking library carried his Grandfather’s name. Not only had I found a sweet, sexy guy that wanted to take care of me, he was very humble about his wealth. Nate volunteered along with taking eighteen hours of classes. As scary as it was, I was in love with him.

  It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I was anxious to get back to campus. Nate and I had escaped to our rooms after dinner, leaving my parents alone downstairs. I made the excuse that I had reading to do before we went back. My phone vibrated next to me and I smiled when I saw the text from Nate.

  Nate: I miss you cupcake. When are you getting back?

  Me: Soon. We’re leaving in the am. What about you?

  Nate: Me too. You’ll beat me there though. Be waiting in my bed?

  Me: You bet, hulk. Can you promise we do that one thing that I love?

  Nate: Which thing? ☺

  Me: All of them. Goodnight honey. I miss you.

  Even through texts he could make me smile. A soft knock on my door pulled me from my head. Finn stuck his head in the door and I smiled at him.

  “What’s up?”

  “Let’s go down to the beach.”

  I checked the time on my phone. It was almost eleven.

  “This late?”

  “We’re leaving tomorrow bright and early. It’s our last chance.”

  “Let’s go,” I said, jumping off my bed and setting my phone on the nightstand.

  ____

  Finn and I had been sneak
ing out to the beach for years. There were a lot of memories in our favorite spot. During our trip home, Finn had been quiet. No matter how much I prodded, he wouldn’t open up. I grabbed his hand as we walked out into the sand together; being out here felt like home so much more than the stuffy, formal house did.

  “So what’s going on in that head of yours, Finn?”

  “Nothing really, I’ve just been wondering something.”

  “What?” I asked, frowning at him.

  “Did I fail you when I went to college? Should I have travelled with you? Sometimes I see that you’re still so sad, but others you seem like the old Olivia and somehow I think I’m to blame for that. I should have been there for you.”

  “God, Finn why didn’t you talk to me about this sooner? I thought you knew that I wanted to be by myself. If I hadn’t had that time to come to terms with everything I would have fallen apart by now,” I stared out into the water before continuing. “Ellie will always be a part of me, but I wasn’t meant to be her mother. I know that in my bones.” I wrapped my arms around my stomach to keep the feelings at bay. Right now I had to hold it together for Finn.

  “I hope you never have to feel the type of loss I feel every day. In some ways I feel selfish because I gave her up, because now I get to continue on without consequence for my actions and I’m so thankful for that. Some days I wake up with a sense of relief, but others the loss of her is so deep that I feel like I can’t breathe. The guilt wants to drown me with every breath I take, because what kind of person am I that I could give up my daughter. I wanted to come home sooner, really I did, but I couldn’t.”

  “You pulled away from me while you were gone. I didn’t know what to do other than give you space. Then when you came home, I didn’t know what to say or how to act. It killed me not to be able to help you.”

  I looked at him and smiled sadly. “You did help me. Just being there when I needed you helped me. Ellie has everything that I couldn’t give her. You know how suffocating it is to be in this family. I know I did the right thing, but losing her was like losing a part of my soul. How could I try to make you feel that pain with me?”