Belong

by Jennifer Foor

  Even from the first words, addressing me, as his beloved grandson, I knew it was going to tear at my heartstrings.

  To Chad, my grandson, my son, my everything:

  As I begin to write this all down on paper, I get emotional. My time on this earth is coming to an end, and knowing it makes it all quite difficult to accept. I feel as if I’m just getting started, at least the enjoyment part of life.

  It’s important you know that while you’ve been away you’ve never left my mind. I visit your room, and often reminisce of the many times you were running wild throughout the halls of this big house.

  When I lost your mother, I felt like a piece of me was gone forever. Being my only child, you can imagine the sheer pain your grandmother and I experienced. The only thing to keep us together was having you to raise; a part of her that would be able to live on.

  Through the years I’ve watched you grow into a highly respectable man. To say I’m proud couldn’t begin to describe how I feel when I reflect on your accomplishments.

  If you’re reading this then I’m gone from your world, hopefully off to somewhere enticing where your grandmother and my precious daughter are waiting for me.

  I leave you with the memories we’ve shared together, and something more important than you may even realize.

  I know you tried to hide it from me, but I became aware of your relationship with Rachel Lewis early on. As you know, I’ve always considered that woman a part of our family. She’s honest and pure, devoted, and most of all a beautiful soul. My son, I know what you gave up when you walked away from her. If I’d been a younger man, I wouldn’t have hesitated from trying to be with her myself. She’s an incredible woman, but more like a daughter in my eyes.

  You’re probably wondering why I deeded you both the estate.

  Open your eyes, son. Her husband is gone. I realize you’re married, but you and I both know you don’t have the kind of love you shared with Rachel. She’s literally the one that got away; the person you needed to distance yourself from because you couldn’t bear to see her when you knew you weren’t able to be together.

  I’m telling you now, as your guardian, as the man you’ve considered a mentor, take a step back and think about your life. Think about what you truly desire, and what would make you the happiest man on the earth.

  My son, the truth is staring you in the face. The woman you’re meant to be with needs you. I’ve been known to pry, and as a dying man I’m asking you to reach into your heart and find what’s been buried. You were happy once. I know you’re not now. Maybe you can’t see it, but I can hear it in your voice when you call. Find a way to be together, Chad.

  Spend one weekend together and prove me wrong. I have a feeling it will be life changing.

  If for some reason it’s not, or I’m completely out of line, I know you two can work out the house issues. Buy it back from her, need be. Just don’t waste the opportunity for what you’ve both desired.

  You’re probably thinking I’ve lost my mind; that you’re already married.

  Reevaluate your life. Ask yourself if you’re truly happy. Don’t waste time regretting your decisions. I know you can have everything your heart desires. Don’t go through life wondering what could have been. Seize the moment and go after what you know is real.

  Until we meet again,

  Your loving Grandfather Charles.

  I took my time folding the letter and putting it back into the envelope with my name addressed on the front.

  In many ways my grandfather was out of line. How dare he assume I’d pick up and leave everything I knew to pursue a relationship I’d given up years ago. I considered never reading his letter, having not yet seen Rachel and experienced what it was like to have her back in my life. I knew I would have been angry he was interfering, but after discovering Veronica’s affair, I felt like a part of me would have needed to find reprieve. His letter offered hope, and a little push I didn’t happen to need. Falling in love with Rachel was never an option for me. I felt like I’d loved her my whole life, and she knew it. Now I just had to figure out how to make her mine, when our lives were clearly miles apart.

  I had it in my head that I could convince Rachel to move out of her home she’d shared with Grayson and start fresh in the mansion, in hopes that I’d someday be able to join her. Even though I knew I couldn’t be there with her in the near future, at least for the next several months while I worked out my marriage issues, she could have something to hold onto until I returned to her.

  I saw her one more time briefly before I headed back to California with the girls. Our goodbye was excruciating for both of us, and she hadn’t yet agreed to make the move, even after I begged.

  I had to be considerate. Since Grayson passed away in her home, I knew she felt closest to him there. For some reason I didn’t feel jealous or threatened. They had a life together, and I could appreciate my stepping aside gave them both extra time to share.

  But it was my time now, and I felt like she wasn’t going to make a move without a push. Rachel was too set in her ways.

  The problem I had was knowing I’d be thousands of miles away from her, not knowing if the distance would give her time to decide she didn’t want to deal with any aspects of my drama-filled life,

  That night we lay in her bed next to each other, both on our backs. Our hands were lifted in the air, both laced together, creating a shadow on the ceiling as they moved around. “It’s not like it’s forever. Contrary to what Veronica believes, I’m going to visit as much as I can. I’m hoping you will also come to stay with me in California. There’s plenty we could do. We could drive up the coast one weekend together, or,” I rolled over and pulled her closer, kissing her sweet lips. “We could stay in bed for the whole visit. I’m not opposed to either.”

  She snickered and nuzzled her nose over mine. “I’m not worried about losing you this time. It’s not like it was before, Chad.”

  “You’re right. It’s not. My life may be a mess at the moment, but it will change. I’ll live two separate lives if I have to, at least until we can get it figured out.”

  “Once Veronica is far enough along you could feel comfortable with being here more, don’t you think?”

  “Yeah. She won’t be able to hold an abortion over my head, that’s for sure. We’re just going to have to figure out the Harper situation. God knows I don’t want to be away from my kids, but I also don’t want to be without you either.”

  “I could move to California. We talked about it before.”

  “Your job is here is D.C., and so is my families estate. Your daughter is here. It’s not an easy fix. I can’t ask you to leave your daughter and grandchild behind so I can be with mine. It’s not right.”

  “My daughter is a grown woman.”

  “Who needs her mother now more than ever. It’s not a feasible option and you know it. We need to consider everyone.”

  “That’s our problem, Chad. We’re always worried about everyone else.”

  She was right, but what could we do? Neither one of us wanted to change, especially to become selfish. As much as we both longed to have a relationship, we knew it was going to become difficult, at least for the next eighteen years. “What do you think we should do?”

  She shrugged. “I know what would be best for everyone we love.”

  “Don’t you dare say it,” I sat up and looked right at her, fearing what she was implying because I knew that look on her face wasn’t anything good.

  “We’ve waited ten years. What’s another ten? Fifteen even?”

  “You’re asking for the impossible, Rach. I can’t let go of you, not again.”

  Rachel climbed off the mattress. She stood over the bed staring at me with her eyes becoming filled with liquid. “I’d rather not have you at all, then wish we could be together every second. It will consume me. I’ve had time to think about this, Chad. I’m not suggesting it to hurt you. It’s killing me to accept it. It’s not fair, because I feel like
you belong with me. I thought this was our chance, but now there’s a baby involved, and you have a life to figure out across the country. I can’t be your distraction, and I also can’t sit around wondering when I’ll have a visit. It’s not fair, and the idea of it will keep me from being productive in the rest of my life.”

  “What are you saying to me? Stop running around with words and come out with it. Are you telling me you don’t want this?”

  She shook her head, her facing curling up as she began to cry heavily. “I’m saying I have to let you go. I have to be the one this time, because I know you’ll sacrifice too much to make us work. I can’t let you do it.”

  “No. I won’t let you.” I kneeled on the bed, taking her hands into mine as she stood at my height. “You can’t mean this.”

  “I need you to forgive me. I’ll sign the house back over to you. If you want to sell it, I won’t stop you. I don’t want the money. Put it in a savings account for the kids. This has to end. We’ve got to let go.” She cried harder, falling into my chest. “You know this is the right decision, you’re just too hurt to admit it. I love you. God, I love you so much it’s killing me, but it’s my decision. You did it for me ten years ago, and I’m doing it for you now.”

  “I can’t say goodbye to you.”

  “Then I’ll say it for both of us,” she whispered. “I will never stop loving you, Chad. Go be a father to your children. Take care of your business and the problems in your marriage. I hope that I’ll see you again so we can have that second chance, but if I don’t, I’ll know it’s because you were able to let go; to move on with your life in spite of what we could have been. I’ll never regret being with you for this short amount of time. You’ve shown me life wasn’t over. I can still be happy.”

  Everything was becoming blurry. I could feel a burn in both eyes, while holding her close. It felt like ten years before, except this time she was the one lying through her teeth in order for us to not have to choose. I could have argued, but what good would it have done? She was right. It wasn’t fair for her to sit around and wait for my kids to become adults. Rachel had a life before me, and one now without me.

  “I’ll never stop loving you either.”

  I held her in my arms until morning, leaving before she could wake up and give me more reasons to get back in bed. My heart was torn. I felt like there’d be no resolution.

  Walking back in the mansion and seeing my daughter made it all clear. She needed me, and I had to be the man she could count on, because it was the reason Rachel loved me so much.

  Chapter 32

  My dearest Rachel,

  If you’re reading this I’ve gone off to greener pastures, well let’s at least hope that’s where I am. You’re probably still in shock that I’ve left you and Chad the estate. You two never should have hidden your relationship from me. I could tell from the beginning something was going on, but when I discovered the truth it was already too late to help. You’d gone back to Grayson, and I’d lost my grandson when he moved across the country.

  I don’t blame you for his decision. I respect why he did it, but I’ll never be able to comprehend how he could walk away from something so real. Yep, I said it. Even my disbelief can’t heal your broken hearts. My last dying wish is for the two of you to be reunited. I’ve asked my grandson to spend some time with you. Reconnect. If nothing comes of it, you can pretend it never happened. Remember, I’ll be watching you. I’ve always thought of Chad as my son, and you as family. Maybe it’s because the two of you were meant to be together. Maybe in my old age I’m just a hopeless romantic. Maybe my heart medicine is making me see things that aren’t real. You deserve to be happy, Rachel, and I’ve never seen you smile the way you did when you were with my grandson. Live for you.

  Always in your debt,

  Charles

  It took me five days to read the letter from Charles, partly because I feared what it would be like to read something he’d written just for my eyes. Like I’d assumed, he’d pushed me to be with Chad, leaving me broken and confused.

  Adamant to overcome my own emotions, I vowed to keep going on with my life, as if nothing happened, though it was going to be more difficult than I ever could have imagined.

  The utter grief I experienced as Chad walked out of my life carried on for days. There were many times I yearned to pick up the phone, just so I'd be able to hear his voice. I wanted to regret our time together, because I knew if it had never happened I wouldn't have had to experience this type of emptiness.

  Crying had become a habitual release. I'd do well during the day only to come home and feel the emptiness I had in my heart. Pushing Chad away had been nothing but a selfless act. He needed a solution to his situation, so taking myself out of the equation was the easier way to give him closure.

  I thought after time passed I'd be able to move on, much like I'd done years before. I'd been able to manage the empty place he'd left when he walked away from me by focusing on my marriage and the possibility of being able to repair what had been broken.‎ This time it was different. There wasn't anyone begging for another chance. I didn't have a backup plan to bide my time, or a husband desperate to comfort me; to prove he was the man I needed. I suppose my life with Grayson was meant to play out the way it had. I may have not gotten to say goodbye, but I could certainly and be thankful I got to share eight more years of happiness before he lost his life.

  Love was precious, especially to me. How many people can say they loved two amazing men for all the right reasons? They both loved me back too, which is why it had been so difficult.

  Now I was enduring unimaginable depression. I'd sacrificed a second chance for a little girl who needed her father. I'd made the right decision, even though I wished he’d come walking back into my life and never let me go.

  When baby Grayson came into the world there was only one person I wanted to share my blessed news with. ‎As bad of an idea as I knew it was, I picked up the phone and took a chance that he still had the additional cellular device he'd purchased for me to be able to reach him. It rang only once before his voice popped on the line.

  "I'm unavailable to take your call, but I check my messages daily. If this is my Rachel I urge you to leave me a message. I'm a mess without you, babe. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay away this time. I love you."

  My stomach knotted up while listening to his words.

  Then I hung up from the call without saying anything.

  Being so far away from Chad was taking a discerning toll on me, but thankfully I had a new grandson to spend all my free time with. Grayson James was born on a Monday afternoon, at two p.m. He came out with a head full of hair and a set of puckered lips.

  The moment I heard his little cry I knew a part of Grayson was going to live on. Stephanie and her husband celebrated her late father’s life by naming their son after him. It was beautiful and unexpected, causing a lot of emotional tears for me.

  While I left them to rest at the hospital, I headed home, calling Chad again as soon as I pulled out of the parking garage. I wasn’t thinking about the repercussions, or the fact that I’d called his direct office line at work. He answered with his nonchalant response. “You’ve got Chad.”

  “It’s a boy. He’s beautiful. She named him after Grayson.” I could hardly speak through my pleased sobs. “He’s perfect, Chad.”

  It took a few seconds for him to respond, probably because he was shocked I’d contacted him after weeks without communicating. “That’s great, Rach. I’m very happy for you.”

  The line was quiet. I didn’t know what to say to make it less awkward. Suddenly I realized what I’d done. I closed my eyes hoping I could somehow wish it away like young children did in fairytales.

  “Rach, are you still there?”

  “Yes,” I managed to get out.

  “I miss you, babe. You might not be calling to hear it, but you need to know. I’m doing the best I can, but it’s becoming impossible, especially when it’s o
bvious there’s an alternate life I could be living.”

  “Don’t talk like that. We made the right decision. I shouldn’t have called. It’s too soon.”

  He chuckled. “ Too soon? I waited ten years to be with you again. It’s never too soon. Let me come see you.”

  “No. It was hard enough saying goodbye the second time around. Let’s just stop pretending it’s going to get better. I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

  “I don’t want you to.”

  “Then I should hang up. I’m sorry, Chad. I wish it could be different for us.”

  “Rach, I love you. Just know I love you,” he repeated.

  “I do.” I moved the phone away from my ear and hit the end button, seeing how shaky my hands had become.

  I had to pull the car over to calm down enough to be able to focus on the road. My eyes burned from my makeup running in them, and I feared looking in the mirror to witness my appearance would be someone I didn’t even recognize.

  How had my life fallen apart so easily, and why couldn’t I focus on all the good instead of the one thing I couldn’t have?

  I’d always gone after what I wanted in the past, until now. There was a child to consider, no, make that two. I had to think of them, or else I’d hate myself for being a selfish person and taking him away from them.

  I no sooner got back on the road when my phone began to ring. I ignored it, praying it wasn’t Stephanie or the hospital with an emergency. I had a feeling it was Chad and I wasn’t in any condition to hear his voice again.

  I wept the entire rest of the way home, barely making it in the door without trembling to my knees. Once inside I slid down on the cold tile floor and covered my face with my hands. Surrounded by memories of my life with Grayson, I cried for the one I couldn’t have with Chad. I was sick of it, tired of feeling hopeless, and desperate to find peace with my decisions.