Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  Chapter Eighteen

  Maggie

  A few weeks later Noah’s band came to town and I finally got to know some of them a little when his manager called a meeting. I knew Noah had been concerned about their drummer, Vinny, but I wasn’t sure of the details. When Noah told me about Vinny’s drug issues I asked him not to bring him to our home. Noah stated he had never been to any of the places he had lived in because his reputation was bad enough without being classed as a junkie by association as well.

  I couldn’t even imagine how that would have gone down with the welfare services. The first time Noah left us to do some band stuff they showed up again. I was following Molly’s evening routine and had only just taken her out of the bath as the gate buzzer sounded from the entrance security gates. Molly ran downstairs to the monitor room to see who was there and when I went in after her I recognized the car as that of Clara Simmons, the social worker.

  I glanced at Molly and looked at the time on the monitor, it was 6:15 pm. It annoyed me that someone from children and family services felt it was okay to call so late when a child’s routine was important. I pressed the intercom and invited her inside the gates, fired off a text to Noah giving him a heads up about the unannounced visit and waited for her to arrive. I felt it was inappropriate to visit during quiet time. In my view they hadn’t considered Molly when they’d decided to spring a surprise visit on us.

  Tasking Molly to put her pajamas on, I went to the kitchen and began to make a new pot of coffee and as Molly came back downstairs the doorbell chimed. I picked Molly up and answered the door.

  “Hi, Maggie. I was on my way back from a visit to one of my regular children and figured I’d kill two birds with one stone and carry out a visit. It’s not too late, is it?” Clara Simmons was alone, smiling hopefully.

  “Come in, it is a little late. I had just gotten Molly out of the tub when the buzzer sounded.”

  “Is Noah home?”

  “No, he had a meeting this afternoon with his band and their manager.”

  “When are you expecting him back?” she asked as I walked her through to the kitchen.

  “To be honest, I’m not sure. Today is the first time he’s not been here,” I answered honestly.

  I had only finished speaking when my cell vibrated with a text alert. I picked it up and saw it was Noah.

  Noah: Only ten minutes out, remember to breathe, baby.

  I felt relieved he was going to be here and smiled at the text. “Talk of the devil. It’s Noah. He’ll be home in ten minutes.”

  Molly grinned and clapped her hands, “I knew he’d be back. He said he’d be home by story time.”

  Glancing at Clara, I could see her pull out a notepad and jot something down.

  “Molly, go and put on a movie and wait for Noah.”

  Molly ran through to her playroom and switched on the TV with her remote control. From her own movie app she chose what she wanted to watch and I checked she was settled.

  “Does Molly spend much time watching movies?” Clara enquired.

  “Not at all. She’s usually only allowed a movie at the weekend; both Noah and I believe too much television stunts a child’s natural imagination, but I don’t want her to be concerned by anything we may say so I’ve had to change her routine.”

  Clara shifted uneasily in her chair and wrote another note. “I’m not the enemy, Maggie,” she said, and placed the writing materials on the countertop. “I’m following process, and you may see that as a disruption of your lifestyle, but this is in Noah’s interests as much as yours and Molly’s.”

  “How can you say that? You don’t know how worried this makes him. What happened in the past affected him greatly. Noah’s incredible with Molly and she adores him.”

  “Yes, but your relationship is new, Maggie. Your niece has been through a hugely traumatic event and needs very careful handling.”

  “And may I remind you I’m a schoolteacher quite used to helping children through their time of loss. There’s no one better to help Molly through this than I am. I’ve parented Molly her whole life. My sister wasn’t interested in what was best for Molly. It was what was best for herself.”

  “She went to join Noah’s crew abroad, yes?”

  “Yes, but her death had nothing to do with Noah.”

  “I accept that, but I’m also aware of what the official documents say about your boyfriend.”

  “Maggie knows everything I know, so if there’s something else perhaps I need to submit a Subject Access Request to see those papers.” I turned to see Noah standing in the doorway. I hadn’t heard him arrive and Clara was clearly stunned by his sudden appearance. She shouldn’t have been—after all it was his home.

  Noah came toward me and kissed my cheek, “I’m going to read to Molly. I promised her earlier I’d be home in time.” He left the room dismissing himself without any further challenge and Clara was once again writing in her notebook. When she had finished she placed her pen on the pad.

  “Shall we start again?”

  “That depends if you’re going to insult my partner. I think he’s suffered enough at the hands of the authorities. If I thought he’d be better off without us, I’d have thrown in the towel rather than put him through this. But unfortunately for him, he’s deeply in love with me and he loves Molly as well.”

  “That much is clear,” she replied.

  “What I was trying to say was this... if we deem Noah fit for Molly as a parental figure, he could reapply to see his son. When we came here for our initial visit I will admit I had a biased idea of what Jean and I faced. I was very wrong. Instead of a loud-mouthed, drunken hell-raiser, I found a dedicated, hands-on family man.

  It was refreshing to hear how candid he was about his past, and personally I think he was misrepresented when he faced charges about the assault incident he was involved with. The law clearly states every citizen has a right to protect themselves in self-defense and I think if the student was questioned alone under formal interview he may have been more honest in admitting his offence.”

  I stared straight at her, my mind still adapting to what she’d told me then my heartbeat raced, “You believe him?”

  “I do but if I don’t complete the process and document it in the correct way it won’t do either of you any good. And I will do this properly. Any resistance to the process will be documented, Maggie. You know that… it’s the reason you contacted us in the first place.

  Clara continued to observe the evening routine and once Molly was in bed she thanked us for our cooperation and left.

  I was scared to tell Noah what she had said to me in the event it never transpired. Instead I told him she viewed us positively so far and they would reach their final decision in the coming weeks.

  It wasn’t a lie as such because she had told me those things as well. It was mainly because of the depression and subsequent consequences that I held back. The way I saw it, it wasn’t my story to tell and if I built his hopes up about Rudi and that didn’t happen I’d destroy him.

  Keeping the status quo would help Noah to remain the man he was in front of the authorities, and as soon as it was documented that he was safe to parent Molly I knew any judge worth his reputation would have difficulty in denying him access to his own son.

  Another two weeks passed and Noah still wasn’t back to work with his band because the manager and George had staged an intervention with Vinny, who had agreed and was in rehab. We’d only had a third visit the day before from Clara and Jean, during which they documented the practicalities of Noah’s working life and how that would impact on Molly. They appeared satisfied with the arrangements we had made, and we sighed with relief when they left.

  Noah flopped on the sofa and ran his hand sexily through his hair then smirked wickedly. “You’re definitely sucking my dick later after all the praise I just gave you,” he joked in a low voice when Molly was out of earshot. I loved that he had attempted to lighten the mood. I dropped down onto the sofa be
side him and ran my fingers across his tight abs over his t-shirt and he shuddered.

  “Mm… do that again my cock twitched,” he said and gave me a lopsided smile. When I didn’t respond and placed my head on his shoulder he pushed me back to look at him. “What? What’s the matter?”

  I closed my eyes for a second because I was scared to tell him. I had a secret and I was shit scared of what it would mean for us and Molly and I was worried about how it would affect our future.

  “Maggie? What is it?”

  Forcing myself to look at him I bit my lip and was afraid to say it aloud. My heartbeat pounded in my chest because I had no idea how he’d respond. I had no idea how to respond myself, because it was yet another complication.

  “I’m pregnant,” I blurted out. I had no worries about Noah taking care of us, it was the timing that worried me.

  Noah’s body stiffened, and he pushed me away. Rising to his feet he walked nervously away from me his fingers threading through his head. Turning to look at me he held a fistful in his hands and stared down at me.

  “Seriously?”

  My anxiety had made my breathing erratic and l felt afraid when I watched his initial response. “Yeah. About five weeks… only just.”

  Noah rushed at me and pulled me to my feet. “This is fantastic news, Maggie. You’re pleased aren’t you? Tell me you’re happy. I thought you were on the pill?” he said, looking puzzled as he pushed me to arms-length to stare bright eyed at me. I felt relieved he appeared happy about it.

  “I don’t know how I feel. With everything we’re going through… and Molly, it’s a lot to take in.”

  Noah slumped down on the sofa and put his head in his hands. “You don’t want our kid?

  “I do… of course I do. I’m just a bit stunned right now. Give me a little time.”

  “You kept this from child welfare.”

  “I did because once they say the case is closed it’s none of their business. We’ve been through enough shit without someone sullying this baby’s start in life.”

  Noah gave me a sideward glance full of concern and nodded. “I’m really happy, Maggie. If we have this child I’ll have almost everything I could ever want in life, and if I live it right then one day, Rudi may come to find me. I want him to find a solid man. Not a broken one like I was for the first few years of his life.”

  “For the record, I do want your baby, Noah. Our baby. But I want to wait until I’m in my second trimester before we announce it to anyone. God knows what the media are going to make of it. Are you okay with that?”

  “How long is that?”

  “After twelve weeks.”

  “I can live with that,” he agreed and scooped me into his arms. “Fuck. I can’t believe how my life has changed so quickly, and it’s all because of you. You’ve made me the happiest man alive.”

  I stared into his gorgeous deep blue eyes and felt a huge swell of love for the man who was everything to me. Who would have thought this time last year my life would have changed this much?

  At the back of my mind I figured everything would be okay with the authorities because I couldn’t afford to think otherwise. It was Molly’s reaction I worried about the most. How would she take to a new baby? How would she feel growing up not being completely ours when our child began to call us Mom and Dad?

  Noah had loosely talked about adoption for Molly, but that was several weeks before. I’ll admit I had kind of let it slide again because we were new. It was a massive step for me to give someone parental responsibility for Molly, and I wondered if the courts would have even given him legal ties to her with his past record of assault?

  For the rest of that night Noah talked animatedly about how we’d reconfigure the house to accommodate our new addition and the thing that struck me about how he spoke was how considerate he was about upsetting Molly’s routines and environment. He was a natural parent and his enthusiasm for the role was so far removed from his stage image as part of Fr8Load.

  That night after we’d gone to sleep I woke to an empty bed. Confused about where he was. I slid from between the sheets and went downstairs. Noah cut an appealing figure dressed in boxer briefs sitting in a relaxed pose with both arms behind his head on the sofa, his ripped and toned torso bare. Glancing over when I came into view I noted the sadness in his eyes.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I couldn’t sleep… too many thoughts going on in my mind.”

  “About?”

  “Molly…the new baby… Rudi… the fucking mess I’ve found myself in but don’t appear to be able to do anything about.”

  I’d never seen Noah in as low of a mood before and worried he was close to a bout of depression. I sat down beside him, and I slid my hand around his waist. He pulled me close, placing my head on his warm chest and I listened to his slow steady heartbeat.

  “Honey, I’ve never seen anyone try to be what everyone needs them to be more than you have. You do it so effortlessly as well. You’re amazing, Noah, and I truly believe everything is going to be okay.” He turned his head to look at me and a look of desperation passed through his eyes. He barely managed to control his frustration.

  “I hope to Hell you’re right, Maggie, because there’s no alternative to this.”

  I didn’t protest because I felt the same—the consequences for us of a negative result from Child Welfare didn’t bear thinking about. We stayed there on the sofa for most of the night, and I had a new worry to think about—Noah’s mental state and how that could affect him.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Noah

  No one knows what it’s like to wait when you have an addiction—unless they’re an addict. Only someone in the same position as I was could understand what it felt like to have their life ripped apart and not even be able to have a drink to temporarily make it go away.

  I’d never been so happy, sad, or frustrated since I’d met Maggie, but she had definitely saved me. She was my angel on Earth and made me a much better version compared to the man I used to be before I knew her.

  She surprised the Hell out of me when she told me she was pregnant, and I think she surprised herself as well. As far as I was concerned it was a very happy accident. My chest tightened with excitement, like my heart was a beat away from bursting out of my chest and it was a different feeling from the suffocating way my chest tightened when I heard I was forbidden to see my son.

  Happiness was within my grasp, I could feel it, the only downside was how everything hinged on two women from Child Welfare Services who only really knew what I told them and the reports they’d read.

  During their assessment, I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life, in the hope that the authorities would sanction our home as the best place for Molly to live. If they’d decided it wasn’t I figured I’d lose Maggie in a heartbeat. Molly came first… as she should.

  In the meantime, Maggie drove Molly to school while I stayed home and tried to occupy my time by writing some new material. That was the one good thing to come out of this so far, the songs I’d written since I’d known Maggie contained a level of angst I’d never produced before. Writing was the only activity that kept me sane when she was out during the day.

  Night after night Maggie came home and I waited expectantly thinking that day was the day she’d have the answer we needed to crack on and make our family plans, but each time she came back and shook her head it lowered my mood.

  For most of the time I kept it together for all our sakes and I had no choice to do anything else. No matter how strong the craving got to drive to the nearest liquor store and buy the largest bottle of bourbon I never let it get the better of me. Anxiety almost ate me alive, but I was determined I’d never sink that low again, no matter what. Even without Maggie and Molly, I still had Rudi as the focus for my continued sobriety.

  Eleven days after the third visit by Clara and Jean to our home my cell rang. Clara told me she was coming over, and that in itself was unusual because they’d
already told us the deal was for them to make unannounced visits. My defenses rose and I wondered if she’d found something that made the rest of their reports null and void as to giving us permission as a family.

  A sick feeling settled in the pit of my stomach and I can’t describe the feeling of impending doom that washed over me. Announcing her visit made me an emotional wreck and brought me close to tears because the right answer meant so much.

  Before I suffered from depression I’d never felt the impact of someone saying no to me. It happened in life and there was usually a reason for it. That was until I heard the word no in relation to Rudi… and there was no valid reason for that.

  For a moment I considered calling Maggie to tell her what was going on, but I decided against it because I didn’t want to worry her. It wasn’t good to be anxious in her condition, and it wouldn’t have changed the outcome if she knew, so I decided to brave it out on my own and tell her when there was the whole story to tell.

  It was almost a whole hour later that the buzzer on the gates alerted me to her arrival. I let her in and waited nervously as she drove up to my door. My palms were sweaty, and my nerves jangled inside. It was a familiar feeling like I had a hangover and the only thing that would fix it was if she told me everything was going to be okay.

  Clara was looking at her feet when I opened the door and I immediately thought she’d brought me bad news, but then her head snapped up and she looked directly at me then flashed me a beaming smile.

  “Afternoon, Noah. Thank you for seeing me,” she said in a cheerful voice as she stepped over the threshold without waiting for an invitation. I closed the door slowly watching for signs of what her visit meant, but I couldn’t read her.