Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  “I guess you’re wondering why I’m here?” she said pulling her driving gloves off one finger at a time before she placed them on the countertop in the kitchen we’d entered. Sitting down on one of the breakfast bar chairs, she smiled again.

  “We had a team meeting this morning where we discussed your case and I wanted to come over personally to deliver our findings.” A shock jolted my heart, temporarily stunning me, before it raced to the point where I felt electrical aftereffects tingling in my mouth. I swallowed roughly and leaned back to grab a stool from the breakfast bar while retaining eye contact with her and slid myself on it slowly.

  “And?” I asked as I tried to keep the hostility out of my voice.

  “Noah, I had a gut feeling the first time I met you, but we had to follow all the processes to protect everyone. You’re no more a risk to Molly than I am. I’ve looked over the court papers from your assault and in my opinion, you’ve been badly advised by your legal team. There were several processes that weren’t followed, in particular a home study assessment where your environment, interaction with the child and your ability to parent were omitted entirely. I’ve made my findings and we’ve recommended this case be closed. I wish you, Maggie, and Molly, a great future together.”

  For a few seconds I felt numb then a rush of overwhelming feelings swamped me. A large lump grew rapidly in my throat and tears welled in my eyes despite my best efforts to hang in there with my emotions until she’d gone.

  I felt it was high time I had a reprieve from the worries that plagued my crazy life. Inappropriate or not I grabbed her off her stool and swung her around in a huge circle. If I could have bottled the stunned look she gave me, I’d have made a fortune from it at horror events.

  “Seriously? I may get access to Rudi?” My voice was gruff with emotion. I set her back on her feet and I ran my hands through my hair in disbelief as I continually swallowed back the tears that burned in my throat.

  “Obviously that isn’t my decision. The family judge reading your appeal would decide on that.” I felt as if my guts were going to burst out of my belly with excitement. It was the news I’d prayed for but never thought would ever come. Clara smiled widely and looked shocked that my reaction was as strong as it was. I guessed she still had remnants of issues from the public perception of me.

  I was long overdue a little sweetness in my life and I made a defining decision then and there. I was done doing what everyone else expected me to do. If I got a second chance to be part of Rudi’s life, then Maggie and I would be extremely busy and as far as I was concerned music took second place to spending time with those who mattered the most to me.

  Clara wished me luck as she packed her paperwork back into her briefcase, left me a file around five inches thick to read, and extended a hand to me. “I’d just like to say you’re one Hell of an actor, Noah. You’re nothing like that asshole you are on TV.”

  I chuckled and led her to the door.

  “Let me know if I can help when you submit your paperwork regarding your son, or if you and Maggie do decide to adopt Molly.”

  “Decision has already been decided as of today. It’s time that little girl truly belonged to someone again.”

  “You’re a good man, but don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. My client’s information is confidential” she commented with a small chuckle.

  “So I’ve been told many times by my beautiful woman.”

  “She’s a good judge of character,” Clara said, pressing the fob to unlock her car door.

  “Or she’s insane. Either way, I think I’ll keep her.”

  Clara laughed, opened the car door, and slid behind the wheel.

  “The driver’s door window glided into the metal as it opened, and she turned again to look at me. “As I’m not directly involved with your case anymore I’m sure I could persuade my manager to let me accept an invitation to the wedding,” she teased, then headed down the driveway. I chuckled softly, but she gave me something else to think about.

  When I stepped back inside the house I checked the time on my wristwatch and noticed it was lunchtime at Maggie’s school. I was excited to call her and ran to grab my cell from the kitchen. When I called her phone, Maggie picked up on the first ring.

  “That was spooky, I was just about to call you,” she said sounding playful.

  “Telepathy, baby. We’re connected on another level.”

  “Or you knew it was my lunchtime,” she said with a smile in her voice.

  “Or that,” I replied chuckling, “I know you said no calls during the school day; however, I have something you may want to hear.”

  “All right, get on with it then,” she teased.

  “I’ve just spent the last hour at home with a lone female… Clara.”

  “And?” Maggie’s prompt sounded urgent.

  “And… case closed. I’m apparently no threat to Molly… unless Clara is, because she said, ‘I was no more of a risk to Molly than she was’.”

  “Oh! Thank God.” The relief was clear in her voice.

  “There’s something else. After reviewing all the paperwork from the trial her team believed I was poorly advised… and she reckons I could file an appeal petition to get access to Rudi.”

  “Oh, Noah. I’m so happy for you,” she said. She sounded relieved which was a great sign for how she’d be if Rudi came into our family.

  “For us… all of us. We can be a family, Maggie. No more shit from anyone. Will you let me adopt Molly with you?” Maggie fell quiet for a few moments then she replied. Her hesitancy stung, but I understood she was part of Shona and that made me less impatient.

  “Can we discuss this at home, Noah? Right now on the phone, isn’t the time.”

  “Sure. I’ll order in tonight, see you at 4:30 pm.”

  Adoption was a big commitment. I knew that. It was a ‘rest of your life’ commitment, but I was ready. Before that, I set about figuring out a bulletproof master plan to get someone to grant me permission to build a relationship with my son.

  For the rest of that afternoon I trawled Google for a kick ass Family Law firm and after a couple of duds, I found Lester Crossly, an attorney with thirty years of experience under his belt.

  Within five minutes of getting to talk to the man he’d cut through the bullshit and advised me of the processes I had to follow. Clara had left me copies of the paperwork from Molly’s investigation, so I sent Eamon straight over with those and had Annalise chase the guys in legal who held all the relevant documents from the court case and restraining order.

  I was relieved when Lester advised me Maggie and I wouldn’t have to have another home study report as it was only completed the day before and then advised me of his intention to file the petition as soon as he and his juniors had sifted through the paperwork. By the time I closed the call out I felt like Hell had frozen over and I had finally caught a break. Now all I have to do is convince Maggie about Molly.

  From how she avoided the subject the last time I brought it up, I knew Maggie needed a little persuasion to see the benefits of adopting Molly… and I got that. She was sole guardian and it was a huge decision to trust someone else with that role.

  I explained I understood her reserve and how difficult it was for her to put that much trust in me. She hugged me. Then I asked her to think about Molly’s sense of belonging now that we were about to have a child between us and Rudi may come back into the frame. I watched the dilemma and confusion in her eyes clear as she considered my explanation.

  Everything I had said was true, but the real reason was I had grown to love Molly as if she were my own.

  “You’re right.” She stated after a while and my heart pounded in my chest with excitement when she agreed.

  “I’m always right… what am I right about now?” I teased, lightening the heavy atmosphere.

  “Molly deserves a Mom and Dad.”

  “Didn’t we get to this point before and then… nothing?”

  “No… I mean yes w
e did, but with all the intrusion I guess I got a little worried if their decision went the other way… that, and I felt Shona was barely in the ground.”

  I nodded with a serious expression on my face, and looked for any doubt in her expression. I found none. “You’re sure?”

  “I am. She’ll be excited.”

  “I know, but we won’t tell her until it is absolutely certain it is going to happen.”

  “Agreed,” I replied and pulled Maggie into my chest. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and kissed her cheek. “We’re finally free to do what we want and I’m definitely gonna pull out that fuck you ticket whenever the occasion demands it,” I mumbled then kissed her slow and tenderly.

  Breaking the kiss, I leaned away and asked, “One more thing… have you given any thought to quitting your job? I’d prefer you to be here with the kids rather than a nanny. It’s important to Molly’s recovery. I’m up for the challenge of course and I’m not being sexist, but you’ll be home for at least a year either way once you have the baby. And I don’t want you under any pressure while you are carrying our baby and getting to know him after the birth.”

  “Him? You think?”

  “My family only do boys. Check out my mom and dad. Six boys. Not a hairclip in sight.”

  “And mine only do girls… we’ll see,” she replied with a smirk. “As for my work, I love my independence. I hate my job and I wouldn’t miss the politics of it for sure, but I love the kids. Let me think on it. I have a while yet before I have to decide what I want to do.”

  That fiercely independent streak in Maggie told me not to push—she would do exactly what she wanted. I knew subtle persuasion would be my only tool to convince her to be a stay-at-home mom. It was a little selfish of me, but I didn’t want her to be too tired to give us some time as well and working full time with a family would eat into that time.

  We’d been living in a bubble since she’d moved in with me. Our extended hiatus due to Vinny being in rehab had helped us stay out of the public eye. I was surprised my rant at Molly’s school never made the press, but I guess my words about supporting Maggie had struck a chord with the people that were there.

  It was never far from my mind that Maggie had only had the slightest taste of what the media could do, and I had tried my best to protect her from all the fake news that got published. Trust was the most important thing for dealing with that. As for the crazy assed fans Fr8Load had out there, what they were capable of was anyone’s guess.

  Chapter Twenty

  Maggie

  After Child Welfare bowed out the pressure was off. Noah and Molly’s relationship continued to flourish, and I knew Molly would have been heartbroken if Noah wasn’t in her life anymore. I’d made up my mind to agree to the both of us adopting Molly and once I had I was determined to make that happen before any decision was made about Rudi and the arrival of the child Noah and I had made together.

  Every morning when I woke, I’d stare at Noah lying next to me. He was so handsome it was hard not to. Occasionally he’d get that feeling someone was watching him and would suddenly open his eyes.

  A lazy smile would grace his lips then he always pulled me close and tell me he loved me. I couldn’t remember a time when I'd felt happier and so one morning like the one I described, I made up my mind to give in to his wishes.

  I went to the store to grab some supplies on the way home. I was planning a special dinner to surprise him with the news. By the time I arrived home with Molly I was a little put out because the table was already set, and a caterer had been to deliver dinner.

  Somehow, I managed to hide my disappointment and focused on Molly’s evening routine, after all it was only dinner, and the preamble to what I had to share with Noah.

  Time had passed since the home assessment to the point where I could barely hide my swollen belly and I had decided it was time to tell Molly about the new baby.

  I was nervous of her reaction to the news because she’d already been through so much change in her little life during the previous months and I was fearful of adding another level of stress to that.

  Noah was great at keeping things even for her and was busy playing a board game with her as I changed from my day clothes into something more comfortable. When I went back to the playroom he and Molly were in deep conversation and when they heard me approach their conversation abruptly stopped.

  As I came into their sights Molly turned to look at me, both hands flew to cover her mouth and Noah chuckled. “All right. What’s going on with you two?” I asked and stared at Molly who still sat with her hands over her mouth. She shook her head with a guilty look on her face. “You’re not going to tell me?” I asked.

  My voice was a little sharp because I didn’t want Molly to keep secrets from me and thought if Noah had told her to, I would have had to have words about that.

  “You’ll see,” was all she replied. I was not about to argue especially when Noah had a sly smirk on his face, so I turned and left the room pretending not to care. My stomach felt a little tight as I wandered into the kitchen and Noah swiftly followed. Sliding his hands around my waist from behind he swept my hair to the side and kissed my neck. Despite being annoyed I felt the sharp jolt of electricity when his lips connected with my skin.

  “Don’t be mad, Maggie. Even though that pissed look makes your eyes full with fire I hate you being upset.”

  “Then don’t tell Molly to keep things from me.”

  “Ouch. Sorry. Please don’t be pissed it’s not good for the baby. I promise I’ll never do that again.”

  His voice sounded full of remorse and the tension I had felt left my body.

  “Come on, sit. I ordered dinner because I wanted to suggest something to you and I didn’t want to give you any reason to hate it, so I had someone else do the cooking.” When I heard how playful he sounded my anger completely dissolved and I smiled.

  “What suggestion?”

  “Ah… after dinner, okay?” he added. Without waiting for me to reply he released his hold and moved past me, then began taking the food out of the oven.

  “Chicken Parmigiana—your favorite, right?” It was the meal I was going to make. It’s like he read my mind.

  “I was going to make that for dinner,” I said surprised by his choice.

  “Then I’ve saved you the effort,” he replied and gestured with his head for me to sit, “Molly, dinner’s ready, sweetheart. Go wash your hands and get here before Aunt Maggie eats everything.”

  Molly scurried down the hall and was back in less than a minute. “Let me feel your hands,” he ordered, checking she’d done what he asked, and my heart squeezed because I knew what I had to tell him would make him deliriously happy.

  Dinner was delicious, and I was just about to break my news to both him and Molly about the adoption when he suddenly stood, stepped back, and dropped down on one knee. “I’m sure there are a million more romantic ways of doing this, but I think you’d prefer it if I didn’t attract attention through grand gestures. I figured I’d focus this more on the people who matter to me. Maggie, since you came into my life it’s as if I’ve emerged from a long spell under water. I know its cliché to say, but since the second I saw you I knew you were… significant. I don’t know how else to explain it. But it wasn’t until I got to know you I learned how hugely important you were to me.”

  My eyes darted over to Molly who was clapping her hands and bouncing up and down in her seat with excitement because she’d obviously been in on his surprise. Suddenly her response earlier made much more sense. I tried not to smile and focus on her too much because this was my moment… and Noah’s for that matter, to declare what we meant to each other.

  “During the past few years there were many days when I felt I’d had enough. Life was dark and depressing because no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t see any other purpose apart from playing music for the pleasure of others. Personally, I even lost the joy in that.”

  Reaching up he took my
hand in his and placed a soft kiss on the back of it. “I was going through the motions of living without really involving myself in it. Then I found you… and then you, Molly,” he said involving her in his speech. He made a fist with his hand and held it over his heart, thumping it twice. “Both of you fill my days with laughter; your smiles are like rays of sunshine that constantly beam down on me and every second since I’ve met you both I’ve never been able to have enough of you. Maggie Dashwood, what I’m trying to say is, will you marry me? Will you and Molly have me for keeps?”

  Molly jumped down from her chair and threw her arms around Noah’s neck. “You did it. You did great, Noah,” she said singing his praises before glancing up at me. Clinging tightly to his neck she said, “Well? Tell him, yes, Auntie Maggie.”

  Looking at his face I saw honesty, warmth, love, and the deepest affection for me I’d ever read from anyone’s expression toward me. I had no doubts about spending the rest of my life with him, even if I was still worried about the rock star lifestyle and any other influences on Noah.

  “Yes. Yes, I’d be proud to be your wife,” I replied as my heart pounded in my chest with happiness and excitement.

  Noah stood up straight, lifted Molly into his arms and scooped me up in a hug. “You’ve just made me the happiest man alive.”

  “I thought I’d done that already when we agreed to move in?” I asked.

  “Exactly and now I’m even happier,” he said and smiled. The way he squeezed my hand emphasized that. “You’ll notice there’s no ring yet. I hope you don’t mind, and I know it's selfish, but I wanted you for myself a little longer if that’s okay? If I start shopping for rings it makes things much more complicated. We can do that together then you’ll have exactly what you want and what fits.”

  I glanced up at him, “I don’t need a ring. I’d rather have you.”

  “Is the correct answer,” he replied and gave me a smug smile and placed Molly back on her feet.