Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  Maggie looked horror-stricken.

  “You know why? Because I love you with all my heart and we’d never have happened if she’d caught up with me… or if she told me about Molly. Who knows? Molly may have come to live with me after she passed if she had, and where would that have left you?” I asked in desperation.

  Maggie’s eyes widened, and she straightened her upper body in reaction as the reality of my words hit home. Her face was pinched with worry then it suddenly relaxed when I had nothing else to say. Dropping my hands from the doorframe I wandered over toward her.

  “May I sit?” I asked tentatively. She nodded, and I deliberately moved close to her, my leg touching hers in my need for contact. Reaching out I slid my hand under hers and I closed my fingers around it.

  In a gentle quiet voice, I said, “Sometimes people make fucked-up decisions and take actions none of us understand... for reasons only they themselves know. You said Shona was infatuated by me? If that was the case, then there are several things that are bugging me about her revelation. Why did she never try to contact me before she came to work for me? If she was so infatuated why didn’t she use Molly to get to me?”

  “Maybe she did and was discarded as another crank, or more likely because I’d have disowned her for going public with this.”

  “There you go,” I replied agreeing with her. It was highly possible Maggie would have gone crazy if Shona had said her baby was mine.

  “Are you’re saying I’m to blame? I’m the reason she never told you about Molly?”

  “Yes, but not to blame you. It's possible Shona never contacted me until Molly was older out of respect for you. Then… as Molly’s natural inquisitiveness took over, Shona felt guilty for not giving Molly a father figure. It appears as if when the opportunity presented itself in the form of being part of the crew, she may have seen that as a chance to reach out to me about Molly.”

  “What a cluster fuck. Do you know how mortified I feel, Noah? How the fuck are we supposed to get past this? How do I go out there and hold my head high, while I’ve not only screwed my dead sister’s Baby Daddy, but had another child with you myself?”

  I turned toward her and clasped her chin between my thumb and forefinger and coaxed her head toward me. Eyeing the worried look on Maggie’s face, I took a deep breath and sighed before I tried to reach her again.

  “You hold your head up high because you’ve done nothing wrong. We’ve done nothing wrong. Fuck the press, Maggie. What is more important—the kids and me, or your reputation to people who don’t matter? This what it comes down to. I’ve had more shit and lies written about me than truths, and it’s made me cynical. I used to care… and now? I couldn’t give a flying fuck what they think because I know the truth in this… I had no fucking idea.”

  “This is my sister we’re talking about. She mattered… Molly matters.”

  “Maggie, for years my management made me appear like some kind of freak because I was in a band and stupidly I tried to live up to that—look where it got me.” I squeezed her hand tighter to emphasize my point.

  “What the press did as a result was inexcusable and it changed me as a person. They took my son; they almost took my future—my life. As for the public, they’ll forget about this in time and we’ll still be together. Of all the times to show the media we are together this is it, baby. If we’re completely solid as a couple, we’ll be immune to whatever they want to throw at us. Only then will they leave us the fuck alone.”

  Despite her anger, I saw her react to my touch. Her eyes softened, and I knew instantly she wanted to believe what I’d told her.

  “Neither one of us knew about Molly when we got together. Shona could have told you at any time… she chose not to. I wish I could change our situation, but I can’t, Maggie. We’ve just got to look forward to the one positive in it all—Molly. I’ve been in that kid’s life for a while now, and I’ve loved her like she was my own… with every bone in my body. Don’t you see how amazing this? To find out she’s already mine means everything to me.”

  “Ours,” she stated defensively.

  “See… now you’re getting what’s important. I know this feels weird. Hell, no one could make this up, it’s mind blowing for me and in my line of work I’ve seen and heard all kinds of shit. Trust me, baby. We’re going to be fine. Best way forward is for us to front it out. When the media see they’re having no effect they’ll move on and leave us in peace.”

  When I saw her lips quirk weakly in the beginnings of a small smile, I tipped her chin up and looked directly into her eyes. She gave me a soul searching, piercing look that gripped my heart.

  “Maggie Dashwood, you are the love of my life. My queen. I refuse to let anyone destroy what we have. Please, baby… together we can get past this. We have to because I couldn’t bear to live without you.” Tentatively I bowed my head and placed my forehead against hers.

  Her beautiful eyes were cloudy with worry as she pleaded with the look she gave me. Her fingers moved lightly over the shadow of growth on my chin as she drew comfort from touching me. Her hair was tousled wildly from anxiously raking her hands through it as a visible sign that demonstrated how deeply the news about Molly affected her on top of everything else.

  The horrible reality of pain and hurt in her eyes made me feel tearful, and a lump grew in my throat because I felt sad and angry at what the news reporters and Shona had done to us. Ultimately, what I had done to us.

  “I can only do this if I can say what’s on my mind,” she said, firmly.

  I shrugged and nodded slowly as I waited quietly as she gathered her thoughts.

  “Look, I accept you didn’t think you’d met my sister. I knew Shona better than anyone and I’m as dumbfounded as you are about how twisted her mind was where you were concerned. I hate it but understand how a lifestyle with no boundaries may have made you act the way you did with all those girls. I forgive Shona for the way she was and for keeping you in the dark about being Molly’s father. Hurt doesn’t even cut it for how I feel that she never told me. As for this Vivian Reed woman, who claims to be Shona’s close friend, I forgive her for being greedy and breaking Shona’s confidence as well.”

  I frowned and squeezed my hand tightly again then looked seriously back at her. Our foreheads were pressed against each other and the touch of skin on skin between us gave me hope.

  “When I agreed to be with you, I told you at the time I was scared. That was because I knew of your reputation and I’d already had a taste of what the media could do. Now I’ve felt their wrath. I always had a feeling something would poke the sleeping serpent and our bubble would burst… and here we are.” Guilt riddled my body, and I dropped my gaze to the floor.

  “What I want to say now is I know you’re nothing like Noah Haxby, the rock star. The reputation that was built around you has done you more harm than good. I will always question whatever they write because the man I know you to be is so far removed from what they’ve written about you. I find it hard to believe you have the capability to be that person. I know you better than any of them.”

  “Does this mean you forgive me?”

  “Forgive you? There’s nothing to forgive. I believe you when you say your lifestyle was pretty hedonistic, and that you took what you could get at that young age. I’m not so old I don’t remember the teenage boys in high school, Noah. As for the rest, I’d much rather believe your version than the one that’s been spun in the press. I’m not going to say I’ll be a doormat about this or that this is going to be easy because it won’t, but your mom just tore me a new one on your behalf. She gave me some home truths to think about and like it or not she was right about a few things. Before Shona’s emails we were so good together and I know I can’t do anything about this, so I have to try to continue with the life we’ve been building.”

  Relief flowed through my body and the tension ebbed from my muscles. The imaginary fist I felt squeezing my lungs suddenly released. I dropped her hand and cradled
the sides of her head in my hands. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.” I replied and silently thanked God for another chance.

  My eyes focused on her lips before I looked up further and into her eyes. Maggie brushed some stray hair from my eyes and slid her arms around my neck. Tears welled in her eyes then one slowly trickled down her face. I caught it with the back of my forefinger and ran the same finger across her beautiful mouth.

  “Shh,” I said soothing her. “We’ll get past this, baby, life goes on,” I said.

  Maggie bit her bottom lip, worrying it back and forth and all I wanted to do was make her happy.

  “I see the way you look at me, baby. I can feel the love you have in your heart. You’re the first person who really got me. The only woman who believes in me apart from my mom,” I said with a small chuckle. “You’re an amazing person, Maggie. You knew I didn’t have custody of my own son, yet you brought Molly here to live in my home. Have you any idea what that meant to me?”

  Placing her fingers over my lips she silenced me then pulled them away and kissed me softly on my mouth. She pulled back and stared intently then a small smile curved her lips.

  My hand slid from hers to pinch her waist gently as I pulled her closer to me. Suddenly that wasn’t enough, and I twisted her from her seated position and lay her gently on her back. Crawling over her I hovered and paused when it occurred to me how gorgeous she looked lying on our bed. Even with tear-stained cheeks she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.

  We shared a silent moment—a period of calm I knew would shift us forward. I wanted to say to her that I hated Shona, but I couldn’t—she was the mother of my child.

  “You know what?” I asked. Her eyes questioned me, and her mouth opened to speak, “No. Don’t say anything,” I said cutting her off. An internal struggle came over me because I wanted to kiss her, and I didn’t know if it would be acceptable when she was so worked up. Seconds later I couldn’t resist and closed the space between us feathering her lips with mine. She rewarded me with a small sigh and it was then I figured we’d be okay.

  Surprisingly, Maggie took a leap of faith and drew her tongue along my closed lips, and with that the tender kiss instantly turned predatory. Every thought and feeling that had burned inside me for the previous hour poured into the passionate, hungry, frustrated, and in parts angry, kiss.

  I kissed her with everything I had, and she kissed me back, more than matching my level of desire. Her soft warm palms grazed the length of my arms then her fingers tangled in my hair. She sent my pulse racing and my heart burned in my chest at the way she clung desperately to me. By the time I finally dragged myself away our lips were swollen and bruised from our desperate need to find the intensity of our connection. It said despite everything she had learned, she was still mine.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Noah

  Once the news died down and the press pack ran off to focus on a cheating NFL quarterback and some Amazonian Supermodel in Rio, I tried to focus on pulling the threads of my life together and incorporating my son into our lives.

  Molly’s parentage took a bit of smoothing over with the welfare staff and I shamelessly turned on my charm to get them on my side. It helped that the key worker’s assistant was a Fr8Load fan.

  I tried to balance the story to them in respect of Maggie’s loyalty toward her deceased sister because I knew Maggie wouldn’t tolerate anyone who spoke in a derogatory manner about Shona.

  As Maggie rightly pointed out, Shona had been a teenage mother and as far as anyone outside the family knew, she had made the tough decision to keep her baby and was raising her when she died.

  With all the shit going on, our poor baby George was kind of lost in the timing of the disclosure by Shona, the judge’s decision about Rudi, and the supervision order. Steve, my manager, added to my load by voicing his frustration because my focus was elsewhere.

  Big George—as my bandmate came to be called after the baby’s birth—said he thought he may do a solo project until I got my shit together. He felt he was getting stale waiting around. I gave him the nod and told him there’d be no hard feelings if he decided he’d had enough and secretly hoped he would call time on the band.

  During the low points in my life I had thought being in the band had brought me more problems than anything positive. Most rock stars enjoyed the tours, using them as their excuse to escape responsibility and let their hair down.

  Since my problems with Andrea I had used the tours more to stay sane and have purpose. Tours were a way of making me commit to being involved in life rather than lying in bed staring at the four walls in my room, wondering how I could change my situation with Rudi.

  Unfortunately, I knew deep down I couldn’t do that and since I’d begun building a life with Maggie, the thought of leaving my family to spend time on the road made me want to turn my back on it all.

  When I first talked about touring and taking them along, I figured we could’ve made it work, but after a short time with a baby in the house I had other ideas about that.

  The supervision compliance for Rudi was frustrating. I was hardly a threat to my son, no matter what the judge had said all those years ago.

  However, I accepted that even Rudi himself may have had preconceived ideas about me that had been indoctrinated by his mom and because of that fear I prayed I wouldn’t have yet another struggle on my hands to gain his acceptance.

  Andrea wasn’t at all happy about the change to her circumstances and became very obstructive until the threat of being cut out of the visitations altogether brought her into line. She agreed to being present for the sessions and had opted to bring Rudi for the visits watched from a distance by my welfare supervisor.

  To say my nerves were shot to hell the first morning I left Maggie and drove off from home to meet my son would be an understatement. No matter how many times I’d walked out on stage without so much as thinking about it, this was a completely different challenge.

  Entering the parking lot, I situated my car near the entrance then sat for a moment, taking a few deep breaths. I needed the visit to go well, and I prayed that Andrea wouldn’t get a rise out of me.

  As I got out the car, with these concerns still on my mind, I noticed the familiar, short dark hair I used to inhale and saw Andrea sitting at a seat near the window. I’d have recognized her by her posture and that ballerina neck anywhere. I fought the feeling of hostility that washed over me, but my body automatically stiffened.

  Adrenaline coursed through my veins and the sudden surge tightened my chest and my stomach in a protective reaction. Pressure built in my head forming a constrictive band squeezing my brain inside. Cool—calm—smile—relax I chanted over and over as I willed my shoulders to slacken the tension I felt in them.

  Mental images of my hands around Andrea’s scrawny neck as I squeezed the life out of her was my way of internalizing all the pain she had caused me by taking my son away from me—and me away from him.

  Smile. Be charming. Your son is watching you, and by watching his dad he will learn how to treat women. Keep it together and remember Andrea’s still the mother of your kid.

  None of what happened mattered anymore; the evil wrong she did to me. It had worked to a point and now it didn’t. I tried not to look as if I were gloating, but I was… on the inside.

  When our eyes met as I walked toward her, I beamed a white smile, teeth and all aimed directly at her because it was the ‘fuck you’ I had often visualized in my head but never thought would come.

  Everything will be okay.

  Rudi had been unintentionally hidden from my view, her body completely blocking him from being seen through the window of the inflatables fun house Andrea had chosen for our first contact visit. Personally, I hadn’t thought it was a good idea to give her control, then I reasoned to myself she was Rudi’s mom, and he deserved to feel secure.

  When I reached the entrance, I pushed the cool glass pane on the door and stepped
inside the leisure facility. My heart stuttered and skipped a beat, then raced wilder than I was prepared for.

  Simultaneously while my pulse raced, my eyes rapidly surveyed the scene scanning all the faces until they halted at my son. He was even more handsome than any of the pictures I’d ever seen of him.

  A huge lump formed in my throat—so big I had to look away because I was choked. The last thing I would have wanted was to lose control in front of my son.

  Rudi’s attention was taken up with a coloring pad and crayons, so I lingered a little longer to savor the moment because I was immortalizing his image in my mind as my first glimpse in person of my son since he was a baby.

  Next thing I knew he looked up and straight at me and my world suddenly appeared to stall. During the pause neither of us moved. I stared into his eyes that reflected mine and instantly felt like I had found a precious missing jigsaw piece that completed the picture of my life.

  “Is that him, Mom? Is that my dad?” his anxious little voice asked.

  Andrea looked older, tired, and if I had to say it, less bitchy. “Yes, Rudi. That’s your father.”

  Rudi smiled shyly, slid down from his chair and walked tentatively toward me. “My mom says you’re my dad. Pleased to meet you,” he said extending his little hand for me to shake.

  I stared down at it for a second and was almost afraid to reach out because I knew as soon as I touched him it made the dream real, and once that had happened I’d kill Andrea before I’d let her keep us apart again.

  “Hey, bud. Yes! I’m your dad and I have been so looking forward to spending time with you.”

  Rudi flashed me a wider smile and my heart melted when I saw one of his front teeth was missing. I couldn’t prevent the grin that spread over my face. “Well, champ, looks like you’re growing up fast, got a little tooth gone already,” I offered for something to say.

  “I lost it when I fell off my bike and bashed my mouth two weeks ago.”