Free to Breathe

by K. Shandwick

  Shona sent one last email to Vivian before she died.

  19th January

  Shona to Vivian: Been here two weeks on the crew and I’ve never even gotten into the same building as Noah. I’m a glorified laundry maid here and the image stylists are so far up their own asses they could probably give themselves tonsillectomies. If I’m honest, it’s getting me down now. There’s only one guy here who understands me although all the crew are friendly. Problem is I think he’s a junkie because of the mood swings he has. I feel like packing up and going home to Massachusetts. If I don’t have any success this week, I think I’ll give up and head back. I miss Molly and my sister, and I think I’m just chasing dreams here. Luvsya S.

  Vivian sent several emails to Shona but when she didn’t get a reply, she figured she’d gone home. After that she got caught up in her own life and never knew Shona had died. She only came back to the USA a few days ago to visit her parents. That’s when she saw the piece about Maggie and learned about Shona’s death in the article. It would appear now Shona had passed, Vivian felt it her duty to share Shona’s secret and take her confession to the press as a way of lining her pockets.

  Maggie stared, glassy eyed at the screen, tears streaming down her face and I caught her by the chin. Turning her face toward me I was sure she saw the pleading look I gave her. It was all that I had because I was devastated at what I’d learned, and I didn’t have the words to begin to talk about it.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Maggie

  My heart hammered in my chest when Noah took me into the den and opened the email from his legal team. It started with their explanation of how they’ve sifted the emails and pulled out the relevant ones to Vivian’s account of events. Studying the text, my eyes scanned their part of the email and watched as Noah clicked into the attached pdf copy file of the emails.

  When I saw the communications between Shona and this woman, Vivian, a jolt of electricity shocked me so hard for a second I thought my heart may stop altogether. The ache in my chest and my stomach brought me close to tears as a lump in my throat grew, making my airway tighten.

  As Noah scrolled down each email one by one I matched the dates and occasions to the events around what happened at home. Every time I calculated the dates as to what Shona said in her emails with recollections of the subsequent events in my head, my heart sunk lower. It became even more painful with what she disclosed to Vivian.

  When I saw the email about her giving birth to Molly and the mention of Noah, I almost got out of my seat in panic because I couldn’t breathe. Noah was quick to tighten his grip and from the way he covered his eyes with one hand I knew he was as devastated as I was.

  The entire contents they had sent us to read took about fifteen minutes of our time and when we were done, both Noah and I looked helplessly at each other. We knew the effect of the words contained in the emails Shona had sent would have a lifelong impact on us.

  Tears had flowed from the moment I read the first email because I could hear my sister’s voice in her words. Sorrowful thoughts, feelings of loss, and the pain that she kept this from me mingled with anger at God for sending such a horrible and cruel twist to me in my life’s journey.

  Noah looked desolate… completely lost in his own head. I knew how I felt about Shona’s deceit, but I could never imagine the pain going on inside him. It was minutes before his tears came and when they did, he covered his face with one hand again as the other held mine like if I pulled it away he’d never get it back.

  The silence between us grew longer, and it felt like an invisible wall slowly building that would drive an emotional wedge between us. During that time, I stared at him, seeing the effects of a storm in him, but in contrast I felt completely numb. It was my body’s natural protective reaction to the absurd and punishing information. My instincts were to reject the truths held in Shona’s words as lies because I knew if they were absorbed and accepted they would wreck me.

  Like all shocks my body had ever experienced, eventually the numbness wore off, and this one was replaced by an excruciating heartache. I sat staring helplessly at Noah as in my head, my world appeared to crumble around me. I’m not sure how long we sat like that—it felt like forever—then Noah swallowed roughly and spoke.

  “Maggie… you have to believe me. I knew nothing about this. The emails tell you that.” My eyes ticked over his face as I thought about the picture in the news with Noah in the background. Was Molly really his child? “I’m ashamed to say if I slept with Shona I can’t remember it. Nothing I can say will make this sound any better will it?”

  Noah had never said a truer word.

  “How do you think this makes me feel to know this?”

  “I can’t imagine, but let me say this, Maggie. My heart aches. It aches for Shona who bore this alone. It aches for the fact she had this life changing event and bore my child and I was completely ignorant to that fact. It aches for the crushing pain I know this has caused you. But it explains why I feel so deeply for Molly. I know our situation is completely fucked up, but you need know this, Maggie. Had Shona contacted me I’d have treated her with respect.”

  “Like you did when you fucked her that night?” Noah winced at my sharp angry tone. “I can’t live with you, Noah. Not after this. The shame this has brought me is totally humiliating. My life is ruined, and Molly is now a bastard child of Noah Haxby and classed as the product of a fucked up rock star.” I shouted hysterically as I stood up and tried to flee the scene.

  Noah’s mom came into view and I turned to look at her. “I hope you brought your other five sons up better because this one has behaved like an animal, with the way he’s treated women.” It was a low blow toward Noah, but I didn’t care. I was distraught. My reasoning and reputation had been destroyed because I’d fallen for him.

  “You’re upset. For that reason I’ll ignore your insult, Maggie.”

  My reaction wasn’t rational, but it was the only one I had. God knows how Shona must have felt after finding out she was pregnant following his one and done session with her. How angry she’d have been with me.

  Suddenly I couldn’t breathe again and wondered how I could even live with myself. How I could protect Molly from the constant jibes she would most likely be subjected to in the future? And that was before I even considered George. What a fucking mess. I glanced back at Noah who looked grief-stricken and in that moment, I hated him again.

  I pulled my hand away, and he reached out and grabbed it again. “No, Maggie.” Swiping my hand roughly I tugged free and made for the door. “Don’t do this, baby. Don’t punish me for something I didn’t even know about,” he urged as he followed closely behind until I reached our bedroom. I slammed the door, locked it, and sat on the edge of the bed, leaving him on the other side. My heart thudded heavily, and another wave of nausea washed over me.

  Noah shook the handle, “Come on, Maggie, this is no time to shut me out. Can’t you see I’m as devastated as you are about this? Jesus, I’ve had a daughter for six years. Six fucking years and she’s been kept from me. How do you think that news is sitting with me? It’s been hell not being able to see Rudi, and now I know another child has been kept from me. I’m heartbroken.”

  “I want a DNA test,” I screamed at him through the door.

  “What? You don’t believe her? What the fuck? Open this door, Maggie, or I’ll bust the fucking thing down.” I heard Doreen on the landing speaking quietly in a stern voice to Noah then her soft calming voice spoke to me through the wood.

  “Maggie, sweetheart. Let’s think of the children here, okay? I know you’re torn apart by this but there are two small children here. Please open the door and let me come in. I’ve sent Noah down to speak with Molly. Poor child woke frightened by all the noise.”

  I thought of Noah and Molly together and snickered in irony… he had more right to her than I had. He was her natural father. I opened the door to Doreen and instantly wanted to slam it shut again when I saw the sym
pathetic look on her face. I didn’t want sympathy; I wanted this never to have happened. I cursed Vivian Reed for her greed. If I had no knowledge of Molly’s origins, I could have lived in a happy ignorance.

  A moment of clarity came to me and I stood, pushing past Doreen as I went into my closet. I pulled out a suitcase and began cramming shirts, tops, jeans, and sweaters into it— Molly and I had to get out of there.

  “Maggie, sweetheart, can you just stop for a minute—”

  “Stop for a minute? If I’d done that I wouldn’t be in the mess I’m in right now. No. If he’d stopped for a minute none of us would be here. This isn’t a mess; it’s a cluster fuck of the worst kind. You think I can carry on as normal, knowing this? You need your head examined. I need to get out of here.”

  Doreen slammed her palm against the bedroom door as I was about to open it.

  “No. Now you listen here, Maggie. Noah may have been a wild one at the beginning of his rock star days but I’m damned sure he never held Shona down to make that little girl down there. Sure, it’s a fucked-up situation you’ve both landed in, but in all of this mess there are two innocent children who need their parents. Both parents. God knows how I would feel if I were walking in your shoes, but I’m a mother and I’m not thinking of Noah when I say it, this is about my grandchildren. You both need to deal with this together until it isn’t an issue anymore. Not run away from it.”

  When she swore, it had gotten my attention. In all the time I’d known her I’d never heard her raise her voice. Her calming manner had always made me feel she was in complete control. I stood staring at her inches from my face and watched the fierce protectiveness in her eyes when she spoke about Noah.

  “All right, and how in God’s name do you think I can do that with the media breathing down our necks waiting for your son to make another fuck-up or another kid to come out of the woodwork? For all I know there are ten more ‘Mollys’ out there waiting to be discovered.”

  Doreen dropped her hand from the door when she saw me close to tears again. “Come here,” she coaxed and pulled me into her chest. I hated that she was sympathizing with me. “Noah isn’t a saint. He never has been, but damn it that boy downstairs is the first to admit that. Has he ever done anything to make you feel he’s got something to hide?”

  I couldn’t argue with that, but then again weren’t liars great at acting? “How would you feel if you found out Ken had a child with your sister?”

  “In these circumstances? All these years later, and Ken had barely known the girl? I’d have slapped his face and called him every insulting name under the sun. Then I’d have cried, and I’d probably have ridden a wave of emotion just as you’re doing now. But at the end of it all, when all the crying was done and every last nerve in my body had suffered from the assault of the news, I’d still love him.”

  “Why?”

  “He’s the father of my children. He’d still be the man I fell in love with. And mostly because it was at a time when he needed me the most. Look, Maggie, I’m sure you find this all extremely unpalatable. Do you think Noah finds it less so?”

  “No, I don’t, but Shona—”

  “Is dead. And you are here. Forget the press. Forget everything except for how you feel in your heart when you look at Noah. Ask yourself this, can you live without him? Could you share Molly and George with him and perhaps one day see another woman holding their hands?” I don’t think I could have dealt with that. I’m not trying to upset you, Maggie. All I’m doing is playing devil’s advocate about the consequences of not being with him. He’s a young man, Maggie. An incredibly handsome one. It’s one of the reasons we’re having this conversation today. Girls have always found Noah irresistible. First it was the other moms when they saw him in his stroller, then tiny girls in kindergarten, and you get the picture because this is where we are now.”

  I broke away from her hold and moved over to sit on the edge of the bed. “She was my little sister.”

  “And Noah is your partner. Father of your son. Molly’s father.”

  When I heard her say the last part my heart felt like it had shattered inside my chest. I focused on the floor and sat motionless until she opened the bedroom door. Glancing up at her stern expression she shrugged. “You know I’m right, Maggie. Noah loves you like I’ve never seen him love anyone in his entire life. He’s trying to be everything you need. He wants to be a good man. He is a good man. All the shit he’s endured in the past few years will be nothing in comparison to the effect you’ll have on him if you walk away. Now… do I go downstairs and ask him to come and speak to you or do I tell him you’re packing your bags?” Her question told me she was finished with what she had to say.

  “I’m not cut out for this… to be scrutinized and torn apart like a hound caught at a fox hunt for the pleasure of the press. I should have realized how difficult the impact of being the partner of someone with Noah’s background was.”

  “That’s as maybe, but you’re here, Maggie. You and Noah must face this delicate situation with a united front. If you love him, you’ll stand by him. Screw what the media say. They don’t live your lives for you. They don’t control what happens. You and Noah and your babies are what matters. Do you think my son has had an easy ride? What those journalists did to him in the past and continue to do is atrocious. So… what is it going to be?”

  Despite feeling almost mortally wounded by the situation I took in a deep shaky breath and said, “I’ll speak to Noah.”

  Without another word Doreen left the room, and I sat staring around me. Everything I saw was bought by Noah. I wondered if I had lost my identity being with him. That’s how it felt when the press used me as collateral damage to target Noah for his past. I never even knew him then… but the connection to Shona from way back when was still with us in the present time—in their daughter Molly. The room was silent and still but inside my head I screamed loudly.

  A soft tentative tap on the door drew my attention as he slowly pushed it open and Noah stood in the doorway, both hands held high, holding the frame. “Baby, I’m so sorry,” he said. I could hear the pain in his apology by the sadness in his voice. Glancing up I saw his red-rimmed eyes, and they crushed me. He had been crying since I shut him out. My heart squeezed so tight in my chest with the weight of the situation and I inhaled deeply as I fought for my next breath.

  “How do I live with this, Noah? What do we tell Molly? George? Rudi even? You can’t fix this… no one can.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Noah

  After Maggie took off out of the room, I went after her, but I wasn’t fast enough. She looked so distressed as she ran up the stairs and took sanctuary in our bedroom. Speaking from the other side of our locked bedroom door I tried to reason with her that I never knew any of what we read in the emails. I was still reeling from the news myself and had to push all of my own feelings aside because her happiness was more important than anything I was going through.

  I tried hard to think about the night in question—the one in the picture—every few minutes during that time and came back with nothing. Then I thought in more general terms about what I was like back then and was ashamed of how I’d behaved. I was a player, and of the girls I could remember Shona’s face never appeared in any of the images in my mind’s eye.

  Sleeping around was my way of winding down, a way of releasing all the adrenaline I’d built up by performing. I was impressionable young teen who'd behaved the way I did because of the excess and opportunities around me.

  When Maggie spoke to my mom, I knew if anyone could talk Maggie around it was her. The second my mom came back and nodded toward upstairs, I felt the pent-up tension in my neck release and regroup. As I fled up the stairs, I knew it was the most important moment of my life because my future rode on however I handled Maggie’s distress.

  I was relieved that she’d at least hear me out, but I was afraid that anything I said would add to her hurt as well. I’ll admit I had a very low moment o
n the way up the stairs and I felt as if my life was always destined to be on trial. It appeared to me that no matter how hard I tried to be myself, second chances never appeared to go my way.

  Slowly, I opened our bedroom door and saw Maggie sitting on the edge of the bed, directly facing me. My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach, churning with anxiety at the desolate sad figure she cut. Every muscle and fiber of my body screamed instantly for me to wrap my arms tightly around her and crush her tightly to my chest.

  My natural instincts with Maggie were to protect her, and I wanted desperately to tell her everything was going to be okay, but as soon as she looked at me and I saw the pain in her eyes I wasn’t sure if it ever would be again.

  “Do you realize how beyond embarrassing this is for someone like me?”

  Despite how much I sympathized, I needed her to understand it affected the both of us. “Someone like you? And you think this news makes me less ashamed? That I’m immune to what’s happened and feel less than you do? This has happened to us, Maggie. Us. You and Me. Do you think I’m somehow unaffected by the fact I have a daughter? That I missed the first years of her life as well as Rudi’s? Do you think I’m happy that your sister never came to me in the years before she died? If she had I may possibly have done something to make life easier for all of you.

  “Can’t you understand how much this hurts me? It’s beyond…” She threw her hands up, lost for words.

  “Yes! I do understand. I’m desperately sorry I’ve hurt you, however unintentional it was, but there’s nothing I can do to change what Shona said or to make you feel okay about what we’ve learned. However, you know what? I’m going to say something that will probably make you hate me more, but it needs to be said all the same. I’m thankful that I don’t remember Shona. There—I’ve said it.”