Loving And Letting Go: An Amish Christian Romance

by Melanie Schmidt

  "OK. So, I will start working on imagining myself telling him to back away from me. If you don't mind, I'll just practice in my room," Rebecca said with a giggle.

  "That is fine. As long as you can deliver the message to him, should you have to," said her sister.

  From that point on, Rebecca religiously practiced making her statement to John, letting him know his attempts to control her were unwelcome. After a few weeks, she felt more comfortable practicing the words in her room by herself. She would imagine John trying to approach her, then talking to him firmly and telling him to leave her alone. Next, she practiced with first, her sister, then, next, her brother-in-law, who played the role of John.

  One night, when Rebecca practiced with her brother-in-law, he physically backed away with both hands upraised in between the two of them.

  "Oh! That was... perfect. You actually made me nervous! And I don't scare easy!" he said.

  Rebecca smiled, feeling more ready to face down John, regardless of his mental state.

  "Good! Now, make some kind of threat to her. She needs to know how to handle herself then as well," said Rebecca's sister.

  After thinking for several minutes, Rebecca's brother-in-law approached Rebecca in a threatening way, saying, "If you don't get into my buggy now, I will grab you and put you in there myself!"

  Rebecca, imagining that John was facing her, quailed momentarily. Then, she remembered that her parents wouldn't always be available to protect her. Gathering her strength, she spoke loudly.

  "John Beiler, you get away from me! I don't want your attentions and this is something I've told you for several months now! Just leave me alone!"

  "Excellent! I did see you back away for a few seconds. John could take advantage of that and grab you," said her brother-in-law. Work on your reactions and speak up with no hesitation."

  "OK. I will, denki!"

  By practicing this way, Rebecca was able to make herself stronger in how she viewed and faced John Beiler. When her parents drove up to her sister's house, she wasn't sure if they were there for a visit or to take her home.

  "Rebecca, daughter, how are you? We have missed you!" said Deacon Zook, hugging his youngest child.

  "Daed, I'm fine! I just miss everyone at home and I miss teaching my scholars. What's going on with... John Beiler?" said Rebecca with apprehension in her voice.

  "He had to be sent back to the hospital. He did well at first, then we started seeing him driving all around the community, looking for you. Well, he drove his horse to exhaustion one day when we caught up to him. He was very irrational and made not a lick of sense. The sheriff's deputies put their cuff-hands? Handcuffs, on him and took him to the mental hospital in the city. That's where he is right now. We don't know how long he'll be there, but Amos came to the house and told us he would be there for at least a month. It turns out he had stopped taking his medications. From what Amos says, they are going to medicate him a different way now, one that won't allow him to trick his mamm and daed about whether he's actually taking his medicine or not."

  "How? What other ways are there?" Rebecca asked, curious.

  "Shots. He'll go every few weeks for shots. He's also going to be seeing a therapist so he can learn how to change how he thinks of others, particularly young Amish women," Abraham said.

  "When will it be safe for me to go home?" Rebecca asked with a plaintive note in her voice.

  "Today or tomorrow. Your scholars need you, and Anna King is getting tired. Besides, if you get reestablished in Peace Crossing, it will be harder for John to try and intimidate you," said Abraham with a broad smile.

  "Oh, I am so ready to be back at home! Sister, I have enjoyed living here and helping you, but my place is with my scholars," Rebecca said, feeling impatience coursing through her body.

  "Nee, nee, I understand! Daed, I have had her work on how she approaches and responds to John Beiler. You won't always be there to protect her and she needs to be able to fend him off," said Rebecca's sister.

  "Ya, she does. Denki!" Abraham said with a smile and nod. He leaned back in his chair, feeling better about bringing Rebecca home.

  "Daed, are you sure he's still in the hospital? I feel stronger about standing against him if I need to, but I really would like to make sure that he is really getting the help he needs," Rebecca said, her smile fading. She felt restless and began to pace around the large kitchen.

  "I spoke to his daed this morning before coming here. He is definitely in the hospital and won't be coming home for at least the next few weeks," Abraham said.

  "Good! Wunderbaar," Rebecca said with a sigh. "Do you want to leave now or..."

  "Tomorrow. It will be dark soon. We can leave after breakfast and be back before dinnertime," Abraham decided.

  "That gives me time to pack and help with dinner and supper. I also want to look over my plans for my scholars so I can get back to teaching right away," said Rebecca, pacing restlessly as she spoke.

  "I will help Jacob in the barn," Abraham decided.

  Rebecca helped make dinner, then began working on new lesson plans before her return to Peace Crossing. Shortly before she finished her lesson plans, her sister and mamm came into the kitchen to start on the supper preparations. Once she finished, she put her paperwork away and began helping her sister and mamm. Two hours later, supper was ready to come out of the oven when Abraham and Jacob came in, stomping the snow from their shoes.

  After supper, Rebecca ran lightly upstairs and began packing her clothing and toiletries into the suitcase her mamm had lent to her.

  The next morning, Rebecca, her mamm and sister made breakfast and, after doing the dishes, loaded her suitcase into the back floor of the buggy. Hugging her sister, brother-in-law, nieces and nephews, she put her coat on and climbed into the buggy with her parents, eager to return home.

  Back in her parents' home, Rebecca twirled around the kitchen, overjoyed to be back at home. Hugging her parents, she took her suitcase upstairs and hung her clothing back onto the hooks screwed into her bedroom wall.

  She wanted to visit some of her friends, but her father shook his head.

  "Daughter, nee. John is gone, but take things slowly. Word will get back to him soon enough, probably from his parents. The only person you need to see before suppertime is Anna King, to let her know you are back. This way, you can return to teaching tomorrow. Remember, John will be hospitalized for at least a month, if he doesn't suffer any setbacks. If he does, it's likely he will be there longer," said Abraham.

  Rebecca sighed, disappointed.

  "I can't see Ruth or Jenny, even though they would be discreet?"

  "Nee, not yet. Wait until this weekend's church service. It will be held at Bishop Fisher's home."

  "Daed? My sister and I worked on getting stronger so that, when John comes home, I can face him and not allow him to control my actions. Isn't it better for me to get back into Peace Crossing right away and let my actions speak for my new strength?" Rebecca asked her question as calmly as she could, not wanting to defy her father

  "Ya, it is, but..." Abraham began.

  "Daed. I have had to change and so does John. He needs to learn that I have the freedom to see my friends. When he knows this, he will be able to start realizing that he can't control me. I need to be able to show him that I won't be intimidated. It will go better for him if he realizes that, when I come back 'out into the public,' that I am going to live my life. The best way for me to do that is to start visiting Jenny and Ruth today, then talk to Anna and thank her for teaching while I had to be away," said Rebecca calmly.

  Abraham sighed. "OK. You have convinced me. Go see Ruth, then Jenny and let them know you are back. You truly are stronger now, aren't you?"

  "Ya, daed. I am. John has a mental illness that may or may not cause him to go into and out of the hospital repeatedly. That doesn't mean that I have to be afraid of that illness. I have a life to live. And he needs to start working on his own ways of thinking about me and women in gen
eral. He's not going to try and control my life again. That's why I want to see my friends right away. It's... kind of a statement, daed, that I'm back and I'm stronger. I have forgiven John, but I haven't forgotten what he did. I hope he'll be stronger mentally so he can let me be," Rebecca with confidence in her voice.

  At Ruth's house, she grinned when her friend's expression showed shock and surprise.

  "Rebecca! You're back! Get into the house! It's cold out. I have coffee on the stove, if you would like some," Ruth said, limping to the kitchen. Miriam was busily playing on the floor.

  "I am back and nobody is making me leave again," Rebecca said.

  "I am so happy! Will you be returning to teaching this week or waiting?" asked Ruth as she brought down cups.

  "Tomorrow. I plan to go see Anna and Jenny King later on today, so I can thank Anna for helping me out," said Ruth as she brought the milk, sugar and a plate of cookies to the table. "Now, tell me, what's been happening here?"

  Ruth told her about Peter and John's re-hospitalization. The two friends talked late into the morning, then began working on dinner preparations. Mark King walked in and, seeing Rebecca, gave her a smile and welcomed her back.

  "When did you get home?"

  "This morning, actually," said Rebecca. "My sister helped me get stronger and learn how to keep John from imposing his will upon me. When I told daed that I wanted to come see you, he wanted me to wait for the weekend - because of John. I can't do that. I need to start showing him today that he can't push me around. Word will get around to him in the hospital, and I hope he takes me seriously this time."

  "Oh, wunderbaar!" Ruth said, clasping her hands. "I do like that. You do know that he's back in the hospital, right?"

  "Ya. Daed told me. He needs to become strong mentally so he can be at home here and so he can just let me be. I am not interested in courting with him."

  "I want to check on my son," Mark said, moving for the stairs.

  After visiting with Ruth for several hours and getting to know the baby, Rebecca left and drove to Anna's and Jenny's house so she could visit with Jenny and thank Anna for covering for her for the entire first term of school.

  "Rebecca! Come in! When did you return?" Jenny asked, opening the door and welcoming her close friend.

  "This morning. How are you?"

  "I am fine, denki! Would you like some cookies or coffee?"

  "Just coffee, denki. I was at Ruth's and ate dinner there."

  The two friends talked about John being hospitalized once again.

  "Ya, Caleb told me what happened after the sheriff's deputies came to Peace Crossing. He told me that John was making no sense at all," Jenny said, her ready smile slipping from her face. "He... threatened you."

  "Ya, daed told me. That is frightening! I am telling only you and Ruth that I was gone from Peace Crossing, staying with family," Rebecca said.

  "Don't tell me where you were. As far as John goes, the less I know, the better," Jenny said raising her hand at Rebecca.

  "Nee. Nobody will know, just in case I have to leave again. But, that's another thing. My sister and brother-in-law helped me to become stronger so that, once John comes back, if he begins to lose his grip on reality, I can make him leave me alone," Rebecca said.

  "How?" Jenny asked, moving to Rebecca's side. She was curious how much more Rebecca could have done.

  "Simple, really. I just change my attitude around him. If he tries to approach me in anything other than a courteous manner, I tell him to leave me alone, especially if my family isn't around," Rebecca said with a smile. She took a large sip of the hot coffee.

  "I hope it works!" Jenny said, shivering delicately.

  "It should. If others are around, they will hear me talking to him. If not - if I am in my buggy, for instance - I have to tell him that he's to leave me alone. Then, I have to just leave. I'll repeat it as many times as I need to," Rebecca said with resolution in her voice.

  "I have an idea. Let's try to spend as much time with each other when you're not teaching your scholars as we can, even before he gets home from the hospital. The thought of him cornering you really scares me," said Jenny, who pushed her cup of coffee away.

  Rebecca thought for several moments.

  "OK. I like that, but please, Jenny, allow me to make it clear to John that I'm not allowing him to try to control what I do, where I go and the friends I spend time with. I need to be able to tell him this - and he has to learn to respect that," she said.

  Jenny thought, seeing several scenarios in her mind. Some of them made her quiver with fear.

  "That makes me nervous, Rebecca. But... OK. I will. I do understand that until he knows you have the right to do as you please, within the Ordnung, he won't stop," Jenny said softly.

  After coming to an agreement about how Rebecca would assert her rights if John tried to impose his will on her, the two friends talked about Jenny's upcoming wedding to Caleb.

  "Mamm told me that you are engaged now! I am so excited! We'll be sisters now!" Rebecca said with a huge smile on her face.

  At that moment, Anna came into the kitchen.

  "Rebecca! You are back! Oh, thank God! You do know that..." Anna began to speak.

  "That John is back in the hospital? Yes, I do. He's getting the help he badly needs. I also saw Ruth and she and Mark told me what happened. He... lost his grip with reality again. Mrs. King, Jenny, I can't say where I went, but I wasn't here. I have to keep that location secret, just in case John..."

  "Falls apart mentally again," said Jenny. "Caleb told me that before John was hospitalized the first time, he saw the insanity in his eyes. It... scared him." She shivered again, hearing Caleb's recollections.

  "Daed told me, ya," said Rebecca, holding her hands over her arms and rubbing up and down rapidly.

  "Rebecca, are you ready to resume your teaching? I love your scholars, but they wear me out!" Anna said with a laugh.

  Rebecca saw circles under Anna's eyes.

  "Denki for all the help you've given me, Mrs. Fisher. Ya, I am ready to resume teaching, tomorrow, if I can," Rebecca said. "I have lesson plans ready to get the scholars through the end of this term."

  "Wunderbaar! Denki! Ya, you can resume teaching tomorrow. I will start planning for Christmas and help Jenny to plan for her wedding to your wonderful brother," Anna said with a happy grin. Moving to the refrigerator, she removed the roast she planned to make and turned the oven on.

  Rebecca looked outside, seeing the sun beginning to lower.

  "I had better get back home. It's nigh on sunset and daed wanted me home before it gets dark. Mrs. King, denki for helping me out! If I hadn't been able to rely on you, the scholars would have missed half a year of school," she said.

  That Sunday's church meeting took place at Bishop Fisher's house. Because it was so cold, the benches were moved inside the house, all throughout the lower floor. Rebecca joined Jenny and Ruth, waving to friends who were stunned to see that she had returned.

  After the three friends filled their plates at lunchtime, they sat down to visit and enjoy lunch and each other's company.

  "Excuse me, Miss Zook?"

  Rebecca turned around at the strange voice. Seeing a tall, muscular man that she recognized as the bishop's son, she raised her eyebrows in response.

  "Ya? How can I help you?" she asked, turning on the bench.

  "I would like to invite you to join me at the singing this afternoon. My name is Atlee Fisher, the bishop's son," said the young man.

  Rebecca spun back in time to when John had invited her to join him at a singing. Feeling her heart pounding, she decided that she needed to talk to him.

  "Atlee, would you please sit down? I have something to tell you and I think my friends should hear me explaining it to you," she said carefully.

  Atlee sat down and focused his gentle, smiling brown eyes on Rebecca.

  "Go ahead, Miss Zook," he said.

  Rebecca explained her history with John and what he had trie
d to do to her.

  "Miss Zook, I have heard tell about what he tried to do to you. It's very sad, and I'm glad he's in the hospital to get the help he needs. But you need to know that I don't have any kind of mental health problems. You are a respectable woman, raised by people who love the Lord and follow the Ordnung. If you decide to, say, go visit one of your friends, I will understand that, because you have the right to do so" said Atlee, leaning forward.

  "Atlee, I can't make my decision today. I'd like time to pray about this - and talk to my mamm and daed before I make up my mind," Rebecca said, wanting to take her time before deciding whether she would court with Atlee.

  "Denki. I understand. Maybe, the next time we see each other, you will have a decision?"

  "Maybe, Atlee. Maybe I will," Rebecca said. Not wanting to encourage him until she knew more, she didn't smile at him.

  At home that night, she sat down with both of her parents and talked to them about being approached by the bishop's son.

  "Daughter, I'm glad you told him about John," said Abraham. "I have known Atlee for his whole life. He has never caused any problems for his mamm and daed. He loves God and he follows the Ordnung. I think you would be safe courting with him, but I still advise you to pray."

  "Rebecca, he is a strong, solid young man. Pray, as daed advises. If you are meant to court with him, it will happen," Barbara replied, moving around the kitchen and beginning to make supper.

  Rebecca started helping Barbara with supper as Amos went to the barn to feed the livestock. That night, she prayed to the Lord.

  "Lord, you know what happened to me with John Beiler. You also know that he is back in the hospital after he stopped taking his medications and beginning to think irrationally again. I... liked what I saw of Atlee Fisher, Lord. If it is your will, Lord, please let me know you want me to court with him. I will follow your will Lord, in this matter."

  The next morning, before Amos came back into the house from the barn, Barbara scrambled the eggs as Rebecca worked on cooking the bacon and potatoes.

  "Rebecca, if you ever plan to marry, you need to stop letting John and his illness control your life. Your sister started helping you with that before we came to bring you home. We don't know when he'll come home. Daughter, don't let John control your life. You have the right to decide who you will court with, do you understand me?" Barbara finished, moving the cooking eggs around in the hot skillet.