Loving And Letting Go: An Amish Christian Romance

by Melanie Schmidt

  "Ya, I do, mamm. I prayed last night. I do like Atlee, but, after what John put me through, I am afraid of going through the same thing with anyone else," Rebecca stated, beginning to place cooked bacon strips onto a plate. Wiping her hands, she turned toward her mamm and looked at her

  "Listen to God. He will not lead you wrong. As you do, listen to your gut as well," Barbara advised, beginning to scoop the cooked eggs onto waiting breakfast plates.

  Abraham walked in, stomping fresh snow from his shoes. It had snowed several inches the night before, and the snow was still coming down.

  "Rebecca, I should drive you to the school house. This snow is wet and you'll be sliding all over the road. As soon as you're ready, I'll take you and pick you up at the end of the school day," he said, rubbing his hands together vigorously.

  "Denki. I didn't think the snow looked very powdery." Rebecca sat in her seat, waiting for her parents to join her. After Abraham gave the blessing, she dug into her breakfast, knowing that it would fuel her and keep her warm on the frigid ride to school.

  After school, Abraham waited in the school house foyer for her. He came in to warm himself by the wood-burning stove as Rebecca worked to update her lesson plans for the rest of the week. After she gathered assignments and homework for grading, he took them and took her arm after she locked the building.

  Rebecca saw a buggy with an unfamiliar figure on it coming toward her and Abraham.

  "Whoa, Nellie," he told the horse. As the buggy stopped, Rebecca slanted a look of confusion at her daed. Looking at the other driver, her eyes widened.

  "Good afternoon, Atlee. It's a cold, snowy afternoon to be out, isn't it?" Abraham asked, measuring up the young man.

  "That it is, deacon, that it is. Daed and I have repairs to make to our equipment, so he sent me to town to buy the items we need. I'm heading home. I'd better go, because it looks like we're about to get more snow," said Atlee, looking at the gray sky overhead.

  "Yes, we are. I feel it coming through my coat!" Abraham laughed, pulling his coat in closer to his body.

  "Rebecca. I hope your day with your scholars was an easy one," Atlee said, turning his attention and gentle brown eyes to Rebecca.

  Rebecca had been looking Atlee over, trying to find any indication that he would be potentially dangerous to her. The only thing she had spotted was his attractive eyes and their long lashes, which would definitely be dangerous to her resolve to avoid involvement with anyone.

  Lord, this isn't want I needed! Seeing his beautiful eyes -if a man's eyes can be beautiful - doesn't help me to figure out if he's dangerous to me.

  Feeling her daed's elbow nudging her, Rebecca spoke.

  "Oh! Ya, it was an easy day. My scholars are eager learners this year, although having to stay inside was difficult for them today," she said, feeling her cheeks warming.

  She blushed even more as she saw Atlee giving her a very male, very mischievous grin.

  "Daed, I'm getting cold and I have a lot of work to grade," she murmured to Abraham.

  Before responding, her daed's gaze lingered on the high color of her cheeks. Raising his eyebrows a bit, he nodded.

  "Atlee, I think I've just been told that we need to be moving on for home. Have an excellent week and don't work yourselves too hard," he said.

  Atlee gave a quick salute to Abraham in response, grinning once again at Rebecca.

  "Hmmmph!" she said once they were out of earshot.

  "What? He's a perfectly respectful and mannerly person," Abraham said, feeling puzzled.

  "Daed, he was -was flirting with me! I..." Rebecca tried to say.

  "Nee, daughter. He saw you wool-gathering and called you on it. It took me getting your attention to respond to him. Or do you find Atlee Fisher attractive?" asked Abraham, as he guided the horse home.

  "Daed! You know I -"

  "Had to deal with a very frightening intrusion into your life. However, Rebecca, Atlee is not John Beiler. He is very respectful, even though he did call you on your inattention a few moments ago. He will not violate your boundaries. If you tell him, 'No,' he will respect that. It looks to me like he wants to get to know you better. Why don't you do that? If you don't like him, let him know that. There's no harm in that," Abraham said, guiding the horse and buggy into the yard through freshly fallen snow. "I'm letting you off at the front door. I want you to think about what we just talked about. I've known him since he was a boppli, and a steadier, more respectful young man you cannot find. Ya, daughter, he has a sense of humor, but is that bad?"

  Rebecca stepped down with Abraham's help. Looking up at him, she sighed.

  "OK, daed, I'll think about it. But..."

  "But nothing. Your mamm and I aren't getting any younger. Stop hiding behind what John did to you," Abraham tossed over his shoulder as he headed to the barn.

  Rebecca glared after her daed, feeling truly angry and misunderstood. Is he trying to push me into a new courting arrangement, even knowing what I experienced?

  Turning quickly, Rebecca nearly landed on her backside. Waving one arm in the air, she regained her balance and, stomping her feet with a little more vigor than was necessary, she walked into the warm house.

  "What's wrong, daughter? You... sound angry," Barbara said, wiping her flour-covered hands clean.

  "Daed and I were discussing Atlee Fisher, that's all. We met up with him on the way home and daed thinks I should give him a chance. But, mamm, I have to be careful!" Rebecca said as she deposited her books and grading on the parson's bench next to the kitchen.

  "Careful, ya. Retreating from life and the possibility of a beau, no. Atlee Fisher is nothing like John Beiler. He courted a young woman about three years ago, but when she decided that she wasn't going to be baptized, of course, that ended. Ever since then, he has been alone, living with his parents and working for his daed. He is very strong in the Lord, Rebecca. Remember, John is his own person, with his own set of problems. Think and pray about Atlee, daughter," said Barbara, walking into the kitchen and beginning to knead the bread dough.

  Rebecca washed her hands and began peeling vegetables for supper.

  "But, mamm, how do I know? I mean, a good-looking man is one thing. If that good-looking man is potentially dangerous, I'd just as soon remain unmarried," she said, picking up a sharp cutting knife and dicing the potatoes and carrots. Her cutting slowed as she looked out at the continuing snowfall.

  "Christmas is coming up. You will have a school break before school resumes in January. I think you should accept any invitations that young man gives you. Just get to know him. You don't have to agree to a courting relationship right away. Get to know him first. I think that was your mistake with John."

  "Hmmm. Well, I am going to be very busy with the Christmas pageant, anyway. That's next week, then the week after is Christmas, and you're going to need my help. I will think about it and pray, mamm, but I am going to be very cautious," Rebecca decided, resuming her work on the vegetables.

  "Good."

  After supper, Rebecca finished her grading. Yawning, she put the completed work away and blew out the lamp as she got ready to go upstairs for bed.

  She was in the buggy, urging her horse to hurry home and get her to safety. Behind her, she heard the pounding hoof beats of John's large horse. "Go on, Nellie, get us home!" she shouted.

  "Keep going, Rebecca! I'll stop him!"

  Rebecca heard the shouted words and realized the next side road was close by. Atlee Fisher was on that road, in his own buggy, waiting for John to draw closer so he could stop him. She nodded, indicating she'd heard him, and kept driving, flying past Atlee. She cringed as she heard the high-pitched whinnying of John's horse - the heavy pounding of his horse's hooves had stopped. Slowing her own horse, she dared to look back for a few seconds. She saw Atlee gripping John's reins and one of John's wrists. That was enough for her - slapping her reins once again, she hurried Nellie back home.

  "Daughter! What is it?" Abraham asked.

 
; "John - following me. Atlee stopped - him," Rebecca gasped, tumbling off the buggy seat and feeling her legs trembling beneath her.

  In response, Abraham boarded the buggy and turned Nellie around. He kept the horse to a quick trot, mindful that she had just galloped home.

  After several minutes, Rebecca walked down the road, apprehensive of what she would find.

  She encountered the three men, Atlee and Abraham both facing John down.

  "No, John! She isn't courting you! Leave her alone," Atlee said in a strong voice. "She is a school teacher and has to be out and about to do her work. She isn't violating the laws of the Lord or the Ordnung. Go home."

  Chapter 3

  Waking, Rebecca saw that it was daybreak. Getting up, she got ready for school. Downstairs, she helped with breakfast, feeling thoughtful. It seems you got your message, Rebecca. The next time you see him, if he brings up courting, say, "Yes."

  "Rebecca, you're passing by the Amish market on the way home today, right?" Barbara asked, holding a shopping list.

  "Ya, I am. That's right! It's Friday," she realized. "Do you need me to shop for you?"

  "Ya. I want to start working on the Christmas baking and I'm nearly out of flour. Here's a list of what I need and enough money to buy it. Fortunately, I have other things to finish today before I begin baking, so I can wait until later today," Barbara said, looking at the weak sunlight outside the kitchen window. "It looks like the snow has ended. You'd better be careful going to school and coming home today. I think your daed is going to allow you to go by yourself."

  "Denki, mamm. I'll buy everything, then help with supper," Rebecca said, accepting the cash and list.

  "Nee. I am making stew today, so it will be cooking by the time you get home," Barbara shook her head, smiling at Rebecca.

  In the market that afternoon, Rebecca loaded the cart with the items her mamm needed. Whispering to herself as she put each item into her cart, she started as she looked up, seeing Atlee standing in front of her.

  "Oh! Mr. Fisher!" Rebecca placed her hand over the top of her white apron. Her fingers closed over the strings of her black prayer kapp. Playing with them, she looked for a way around Atlee's cart in the crowded market.

  "'Mr. Fisher?' Why not call me by my first name?" Atlee asked with an attractive grin that crinkled his face.

  Rebecca remembered her dream of the previous night, then the decision she'd made about courting with Atlee. Swallowing convulsively to get past the fear, she smiled tentatively.

  "At - Atlee, how are you?"

  "I am feeling wunderbaar, denki. How about you? Rebecca?"

  "I feel... fine," she said, trying to regulate her breathing.

  Atlee peered into her laden cart.

  "It looks like you'll need some help getting those into your buggy. When you're ready, just let me know," he offered, with another devastating smile.

  "OK. I will. Mamm is going to start her Christmas baking tomorrow, and she asked me to buy what she needed," Rebecca said, gesturing at the baking ingredients.

  Atlee fell into step next to her, lifting heavy bags into her cart. When the weight of Rebecca's cart became too much for her, he told her he would pull it as he pushed his own.

  "If you're nearly done, I only have one or two items to pick up as well. Then, it'll be easy for me to get these into your buggy. If you like - but only if it's OK with you, I'll follow you home to help you get these inside," he offered.

  "Denki, Atlee, but I don't think that'll be necessary. Daed's home. He can help," Rebecca said.

  "Ya, but you have several large, heavy items. Dividing the work between the two of us gets it inside faster. You can't deny that," said Atlee, pulling both of their carts to the next open cashier.

  After the two paid for their purchases, Atlee followed Rebecca to her buggy, helping her to load the back with the items she'd bought.

  "Rebecca, I do need to follow you. Your buggy is heavy and I'd hate to think of you getting stuck in this heavy snow," he said, all evidence of his smile gone.

  Rebecca realized the wisdom of his suggestion. Sighing, she nodded.

  "OK, ya. Denki," she said, with a small, but grateful smile. As she turned, she felt his hand stopping her.

  "Before we go, I would like to ask one question of you," said Atlee, feeling nervous. "Would you - would you please go to next Sunday's sing with me?" He began to swing large bags of flour and sugar into the back of Rebecca's buggy as he waited for her answer.

  Clasping her fingers together, Rebecca licked her lips, feeling the nervous energy racing through her body.

  "Y-yes, I will. Denki," she said, her voice shaking.

  "Denki! Yes, she agreed!" Panting slightly, Atlee continued to put Rebecca's purchases into the buggy. "Next question, and you don't have to answer right away. In fact, given what I know, I would prefer that you give it some prayer and thought first. I would like to begin courting you."

  "Ohhh. Actually, my mamm and daed spoke to me about this and I have already prayed. This is scary, but I am trusting in the Lord, Atlee. I - am open - to courting with you," Rebecca said, halting, then rushing her words.

  "I also spoke with my daed, Rebecca. He told me what you went through with John Beiler. He... stalked you. There is never any justification for that kind of behavior. I thank God that he is in the hospital, where he can get the help he badly needs. I will see you Sunday at lunch fellowship, and we can attend the singing together. Let me help you up," said Atlee, extending his hand to Rebecca.

  Atlee followed Rebecca home, making sure she was able to drive the horse and buggy without getting stuck or sliding off the road. At the house, Rebecca led him to the back, where the kitchen was located. He jumped out of his buggy and began helping her to take her purchases inside. Once he was done, smiling at the thanks from both Rebecca and Barbara, he left so he could get home before dark. As he drove, he thought.

  It's a good thing we practice courting in secret. If she agrees to court with me, we'll be able to get to know each other and, if the Lord wills it, establish a much stronger relationship by the time John Beiler returns. I feel badly for him, and I pray that he recovers, but he won't have any opportunities to terrorize Rebecca. I won't let him. It's pretty clear to me that Rebecca has been marked by her experiences with John.

  Atlee's thoughts continued in this vein all the way home. He continued to think about the issue as he unloaded the buggy inside the barn.

  "Atlee, it's good that you're home," said his father, Jacob. "It's going to be dark soon. What took so long?"

  "I ran into Rebecca Zook at the market. She was buying quite a bit that was heavy, so I helped her push her cart and get her purchases home. We talked about this coming Sunday's service and I invited her to join me at the singing after. I also asked her to think and pray about courting with me, and she said that she and her parents had already talked about it. Daed, she's open to courting with me!" said Atlee as he put his purchases away.

  "You do know what happened to her with John Beiler, don't you?" asked Jacob. "You will have to be very careful with her. She's understandably... skittish, like a fine mare that's been mistreated."

  "Ya, I know. I'll be talking a lot to the Lord about this, to make sure that what I say or do doesn't scare her or push her away."

  "Good! Let's go inside - it's only getting colder and I know your mamm made a wonderful supper for us tonight," Jacob said, placing his hand on Atlee's shoulder.

  For John, the weeks passed by slowly as he adjusted to his new medications and their effects on his system. Holding onto his goal of being home as soon as he had been stabilized, he worked hard in therapy with Mike. One day, however, his thoughts began to race, making no sense to him. Sitting in his bed, with his covers bunched in his hands, he felt his heart beginning to race as fast as his thoughts. Moaning softly, he dropped his covers and clutched his head in between his hands, rocking back and forth.

  One of the day shift floor nurses opened his door, finding him tremblin
g and rocking back and forth. She backed out and closed the door, locking it from the outside, then she walked as fast as she could to the nurse's station.

  "Dr. Jackson? John Beiler's in a bad way. I was going to bring him to Mike Cedillo's office, but just left him in his room. Yes, he's secure," the nurse said softly.

  Two minutes later, several nurses and Doctor Jackson entered John's room. He was standing at his window, trying to force the window open. As he looked around for something to smash the glass, the nurses grabbed his arms and forced him back to his bed, where he was strapped down by his arms and legs. Every nurse in the room helped to hold his squirming limbs down as Doctor Jackson stepped forward and pushed a syringe needle into his arm and pushed the plunger home.

  "John, this is what I was talking about, when I said you'd probably suffer some more episodes of irrational thinking. This is why we have to hold you here for longer than the last time, so we can adjust your dosage to the best level for your condition. We're going to have to start working to bump your dosage up in the next few days. I'll be calling your parents to let them know," he said as he watched John's frantic, sweaty face smooth out and become relaxed.

  "Home? Christmas?" John slurred.

  "I'm sorry, John. There's no chance now," said the doctor sadly.

  John slowly turned his head toward the opposite wall as tears leaked out of his closed eyes. Two minutes later, he had relaxed totally, falling asleep.

  "Get Mike into my office, would you?" the doctor asked a nurse.

  "I will. Should I call John's parents?"

  "Yes, please."

  Ten minutes later, Amos set the phone back into its cradle and sighed. Lord, I do not look forward to telling Rachel what just happened. Please, Lord, help John return to good health so he can return home and stay home. All he wants is to be home so he can resume living.