Loving And Letting Go: An Amish Christian Romance

by Melanie Schmidt

  "I understand what you're saying, dude, but don't blame yourself, OK? You're acting as you should right now. You seem to be well-oriented, and that's all good. Now, when you see her, just be friendly and let her do what she needs to do. OK?"

  Rebecca and Atlee continued to see each other in the evenings once John had returned. Atlee sensed Rebecca's apprehension. One evening, as they sat in the kitchen, he placed one large hand on her arm.

  "Rebecca. Let me take on some of this worry for you. You look - pale. Don't allow his presence to make you sick. I am here and, wherever I am, I will protect you. Your daed will do the same, as will any of us here in Peace Crossing. You are - precious to me."

  Rebecca felt tears coming to her eyes. Raising her eyes to the ceiling, she sniffled and gave Atlee a shaky smile.

  "Denki, Atlee. You are special to me, too. I was so scared to begin courting with you, but you have shown me that you are a man of your word. How - how will you know if John tries anything?" she asked.

  "Rebecca, I'm outside all day long. I see who passes by. We live on the same road, nigh on two miles distant from each other. If he passes by, going in your direction, I'll see and I'll start to follow him."

  "Denki, Atlee."

  At the next Sunday meeting, John was present. He saw Rebecca and stayed away from her. She didn't seem to see him. Instead, she stuck very closely to her parents and friends. John looked around, seeing old friends, whom he greeted and caught up with. Then, he saw Martha Stoltzfus, daughter of Andrew, who was a widowed carpenter. He overheard her talking to her friend about points of the lesson given by the bishop and deacons and was immediately caught by her dedication to the Lord - listening her talking to her friend, he heard her talking about one of the points Bishop Fisher and the deacons had all made. Gathering his courage, he walked up to her.

  "Excuse me, Miss -Stoltzfus? My name is John Beiler. I just overheard you talking about today's lesson during the church meeting. I'm impressed with your recall and knowledge of what the bishop and deacons were discussing. Can we talk later on?" he asked as his heart thumped in his chest.

  "Denki. Today's lesson is one that's close to my heart, actually. How are you feeling?" asked Martha, her large, blue eyes reflecting concern.

  "Me? I'm feeling fine. Would you - would you like to attend today's singing with me?"

  "Thank you for asking, but... not today, I don't think," Martha said with a gentle smile and small shake of her head. She moved forward slightly in the line waiting to fill their lunch plates.

  "No? But..." John started to say, feeling decidedly off-balance.

  "I'd rather get to know you better, if you don't mind, before we start to attend church or other community events," Martha responded. By now, her smile had vanished and she wore a very serious look on her face. "That means that, when you and I both have the time, we could sit over coffee or lemonade and get to know one another better. Mr. Beiler, your diagnosis is a serious one. I believe it's best for you and me to take things more slowly before we even think about courting."

  John was amazed. Martha Stoltzfus was very outspoken and she knew what she would accept.

  "Oh. Well, then, may I come visit you so we can begin getting to know one another?" he asked, shifting his feet and trying to regain control of the situation.

  "Ya. Daed and I will be home after lunch fellowship ends. Stop by then and I'll put a pot of coffee on the stove. I believe we have pie."

  John felt disappointment that Martha had refused to go to the singing with him. Mixed with that was relief and pleasure that she had agreed to begin visiting with him before making a decision about being courted. Smiling, he nodded.

  "Denki. I would like that. I will stop by, nigh around sunset."

  "I will see you, then!" Martha said, now smiling. John's breath left him - her smile seemed to bring even more light to an already sunny day.

  By five-thirty that night, it was almost fully dark. John pulled his buggy up to the front of the Stoltzfus house and into the yard. Andrew Stoltzfus, Martha's father, came out and opened the barn door for him, allowing John to pull his horse and buggy into the warm interior.

  Inside the kitchen, he and Martha began getting to know one another over a Dutch apple pie and hot, fragrant coffee.

  "Martha, this pie is the best I have ever tasted!" he said, savoring the tart apple flavor mixed with the cinnamon she had liberally sprinkled in. "I may ask for a second slice," he said, laughing.

  Martha's face colored delicately. After her mother's untimely death, she had become the family cook, learning how to bake. Now, her baking helped with the family finances.

  "Denki. It is fun, actually. My mamm taught me how to bake when I was but a little girl. Then, when I was fourteen, she died, so I had to do it all. By then, it was me, daed and my brother, but now, my brother is married and starting his own family," Martha said, revealing more than she had ever revealed to anyone else.

  She and John talked about their families and childhoods. As they did so, Martha tested the atmosphere between her and John. Making a fast decision and praying that it would be the right one, she sighed and brought up John's recent hospitalizations.

  "John, you spent some time in the mental hospital. I'm - glad that you've gotten the help you need. How are you feeling? Mentally, I mean."

  John was surprised. He hadn't expected Martha to bring the topic up this soon. Still, he knew they needed to be open with each other.

  "I'm feeling very good. My head's clear and my thinking is rational. Before... I would get all mixed up with what my daed taught me and what my head was telling me - does that make sense?" he asked, not wanting to reveal too much or scare her off.

  "Ya, it does. I hope you know that I won't put up with you trying to control what I do or where I go. I bake for a living and I have to be going from home to the market so I can buy staples and sell what I make," Martha said. She gripped her coffee cup tightly, hoping that he wouldn't decide to leave after what she said.

  John was silent as he thought about what Martha had just told him. This is what Mike said I would need to face. This is real life. Keep thinking rationally.

  "I understand, Martha. I - when I would drive around Peace Crossing, looking for Rebecca, that was... well, honestly, it was crazy. I wasn't thinking right. I thought it was my duty to control her, but I was wrong." John squeezed his coffee cup, remembering what he and Mike had talked about. "She made the right decision when I couldn't stop following and watching her. My therapist, Mike, told me that what I was doing is a crime. Martha, that got my attention almost as much as Rebecca's decision not to court with me. I - want to be very honest with you. I... my mental condition led to my doing something that I normally wouldn't do. When the time is right... nee, when she lets me, I want to apologize to her and ask her forgiveness. Now that I'm in my right mind, that's not what I want to do or be known for, and I'm grateful that you have agreed to see me, even just one time," said John.

  "Good. Because, if I see you trying to control me, I will make you put a stop to it. I am a good Amishwoman and I follow God's law and our Ordnung," said Martha, looking straight at John.

  "Denki. I do appreciate that. I know what I need to do to stay healthy, but a firm reminder wouldn't hurt if I begin forgetting or acting inappropriately," said John with a small smile. He gazed around the kitchen, seeing the familiar Amish woodwork. He felt relaxed and... at home.

  At home later that night, he thought about his conversation with Martha. I have to remember to treat her right. She is right to demand respect. I don't want to go back to that place, where I was thinking so badly of Rebecca. I wronged her. Lord, help me to remember that, to respect Martha and comply with her rules, I am not being weak. I am still a man. I can get to know her and, if God wills it...

  In the coming days, John realized that his new way of thinking, so hard won, was healthier. He didn't fool himself, though -he knew he would hit some difficult times with his mental illness. He continued writing in his jo
urnal. This had become a habit that he wanted to continue. He could see how the insights he had learned were helping him.

  Later that week, John and his daed were shopping when he saw Rebecca. Looking at her, he realized that his old attraction to her was no more. On the way home, Amos spoke up.

  "I saw Miss Zook there, buying food for her mamm. What was your reaction?"

  "Nothing. I mean, I like her and everything, but the old urge to follow her is gone. I'm thanking the Lord that Mike helped me work on that. Besides..."

  "What? 'Besides...' what?" asked Amos, looking with curiosity at John

  "There's not much to say - yet. But I started getting to know Martha Stoltzfus. I like her. I like how she makes herself clear. She has told me that, if I try to control her, she will let me know that she doesn't like it - and that doesn't scare or upset me!" John said with a relieved grin.

  "What's that word? Have you been... journaling, or whatever it is?" asked Amos, knowing what he wanted to ask, but not sure of the word he needed.

  "Ya. At first, it was a new habit for me to learn, but now, I realize that I have learned so much about myself. I have to keep writing in my journal - and you used the word right -so I continue to learn more and more about my thinking and illness. Besides, Mike asks to see it. He brings some device that allows him to copy the pages so he can read them and see what kind of progress I'm making. He told me that it'll also help him to see when I'm starting to get sick again."

  "Ach! Thank the Lord!" Amos heaved a huge sigh of relief. "And the injections? How do they make you feel?"

  "At first, I feel thirsty and dry-mouthed for a few days. It also feels like my muscles want to move even when I don't want them to, but the other shot that Doctor Jackson gives to me stops that. It's called something like 'tardi - tardive dyske-something,' I'm not sure what. But once I get the medication into my system, I feel like my thoughts are as they should be. They aren't going where they aren't supposed to - not that that happens at the end of the month. Daed, if I feel my thoughts getting out of control, you'll be able to tell, even if I can't tell you. Just look for what I say not to make a lick of sense. If I talk to someone you don't see, or if I look afraid for no reason, I'm probably starting to slip again. That's what the doctor and Mike and I have discussed," John said, looking seriously at Amos.

  Amos, looking at his son's face, saw the health and sanity in his eyes. He was regaining his color, being out-of-doors almost every day. He was also regaining the weight he'd lost while in the hospital. He looks - happy. Much more so than before he was hospitalized. It looks like he's finally getting the level of support he'll need. As long as he's able to maintain himself outside the hospital, we don't have to worry about him as much.

  At the next Sunday church meeting, John made arrangements with Martha to see her that evening.

  "Also, I want to apologize to Rebecca Zook and let her know she's not in danger from me any more. At the very least, I should wave to her and let her know..." John said.

  "Nee, John. She needs to hear it from your own mouth. Go. Tell her," Martha said, giving him a nod and smile.

  "Denki. I will see you tonight," said John. Walking to Rebecca, he smiled at her and waved.

  "Rebecca. No, don't worry. I want to apologize to you for what I put you through. It was wrong. You have the right to do what you need to do, see who you want to see, and go where you need to go, without my stalking you. It was my sickness. The therapy I have been receiving has helped me to understand that what I did was wrong. Can you forgive me?" asked John, feeling solemn.

  Rebecca, sitting with her parents looked at him, her jaw dropped. She had expected him to... beg her to begin courting with him once again! Is he really that much better, than he knows I couldn't even be here at home?

  "Y-ya, I forgive you, John. Just, please... understand that my decision is..."

  "Final. I know. I want to be friends with you. I want our relationship to be easy, not filled with tension and anger. I do much better that way, anyway," John said, a smile crossing his face.

  "Friends, John. I'm good with that. But no more than friends," Rebecca said firmly.

  "Denki." John smiled at Rebecca and sat down with several of his friends to eat. When the lunch fellowship was over, he sought out Martha.

  "Martha, I know you wanted to wait to begin attending singings until later, but is there a possibility you could change your mind?" John asked, giving Martha a charming smile.

  "I think there is. I saw how you asked Rebecca for forgiveness. That was ... a good example of how aware you are that your actions hurt her. I do have to say, John, that I'm impressed. Ya, I'll be happy to go with you," she said with a grin of her own.

  At the singing, Rebecca stayed close to Atlee Fisher. She had forgiven John, and they had discussed his new insights, but she still needed to see that he would respect her right to be an individual.

  John was surprised to see Rebecca with Atlee, but as he thought about it, he realized they were all of a similar age. If she was going to marry and make many bopplis, she needed to get started soon. He looked at Martha and thanked God that they were getting to know one another.

  After the singing ended, John escorted Martha back to his buggy so he could take her home. Walking her to the front door, he touched her arm with his fingertips.

  "Would you be OK with me coming by one or two evenings this week?" he asked with a smile on his face.

  Martha looked up at John. His smile reached his eyes, gentling the deep gray color and crinkling the sides of his eyes. He is one very attractive man. I need to make sure that I continue to get to know him, just in case he has a relapse. But enough of that. He's healthy, and working hard to stay so.

  "Ya, I think that would be good. Denki!" Martha tipped her head and smiled back at John. Looking past him, she saw a bank of clouds that showed up darker against the indigo blue of the sky. "John, I think there's a storm moving in. You might want to get home now, before it strikes," she said, pointing to the far horizon.

  John swiveled his head around and, seeing the clouds moving closer, his happy smile disappeared.

  "Oh, Lord. I had better go before it hits - if it's snow, I don't want to be caught out in that. I will stop by when it's safe, Martha. Go inside and lock the door," said John, feeling urgency building in him.

  Martha obeyed and John, hearing the snckk of the lock, turned and ran down the porch steps. Taking a leap into his buggy, he slapped the reins against the horse.

  "Go! Storm coming!" he shouted. The horse responded to his tone and, leaping ahead, began to run for home. Fifteen minutes later in his yard, John felt the air temperature dropping sharply as the wind picked up. Panting as he jumped out of his buggy, he unhitched his horse and gave him food and water. Closing and locking the barn door, John held his collar closed around his throat and ran. Slamming and locking the door, he saw his parents' alarmed faces.

  "John! Are you OK? What's..." Rachel asked.

  "Nee. I'm fine in my head. I was dropping Martha off at home and she pointed out the storm that's about to hit. That's all," John said breathlessly. Taking his coat off, he hung it on the hook, hearing the storm's winds beginning to shriek around the sturdy house.

  "That doesn't sound like a good storm," Amos said, striding to the kitchen window. Setting his hands on the sink's edge, he peered out, trying to see. He was barely able to make out the sleet and snow, being pushed around by the strong winds. "I think we're getting a blizzard. John, you and I will string lines between the house and your carpentry shop tomorrow before breakfast," he decided.

  After two days, the sudden blizzard blew itself out, leaving a bright-white horizon behind. While the storm had raged, John had worked on his current carpentry orders, thinking of himself and Martha. In moments where he didn't need to focus on safely operating his saws, he saw her intelligent, attractive face in front of his eyes. While he wanted to go see her, he knew that everyone in the district was caught at home, just as he was.

&
nbsp; Martha worked on her baking, thinking about John, the smile he had given her and how his eyes grew so gentle when he smiled. Shaking her head and coming back to the present, she muttered to herself. "Martha girl, you have a lot of baking to do for this week's Amish market. You had better stop wool gathering and get back to work!"

  In the Zook home, Rebecca was stuck at home by the blizzard. Taking advantage of the time away from her scholars, she completed her grading and worked on setting up new assignments for them. Her pen fell out of her hand as she thought of Atlee's smiles during the singing they had attended. She smiled. I like him. Courting with him feels - right. We have so much in common, and not just because we live here in the district. We have similar beliefs about our faith and about child-rearing and relationships. The more I get to know him, the more I like him.

  Clear across the district, as he worked on equipment repair and prepared for the new planting season, Atlee was thinking of Rebecca. Realizing that his movements had slowed as he worked on the repairs, Atlee was grateful that he was in one part of the barn while his daed was in another side.

  I had better get back to work before daed sees how little I've really accomplished, or it won't go easy for me. I can think of Rebecca when my work is done. Resuming his repairs with a new energy, he kept her image in his mind.

  "Look at that smile on your face! Are you really enjoying repairing equipment that much?" asked his daed.

  Atlee huffed out a laugh.

  "I'm just grateful to be getting it done -as well as for the fact that Rebecca Zook agreed to court with me," Attlee said with a grin.

  "I won't ask about that. I'm just glad you have finally met a young woman you feel comfortable about courting. Just remember, son, she is an upright woman. She went through a lot with John Beiler, and she did have to leave the district for her own safety," said Bishop Fisher.