Loving And Letting Go: An Amish Christian Romance

by Melanie Schmidt

  "Can you tell me about that, please daed? I haven't wanted to bring up bad memories for her, but if she was forced to flee!" Atlee was stunned and his hands slowed once again.

  "Ya. I can tell you. She and her family have forgiven John, but I don't think they will ever forget what he did. He would sit outside Abraham's house and just watch her bedroom window. He followed her all over the district. In short, Atlee, he wouldn't allow her to live her life as she wanted to live it. You know about how he had breakdowns. This last time, he spent nigh on two months in the hospital, getting his medication readjusted. He had stopped taking his pills. Why, I don't know. When I spoke with Amos, I learned that, now, he goes to the city once a month and gets long-lasting injections. So, now I feel... better about his chances of success. That he's seeing a therapist also makes me feel a little better as well."

  "Good. I don't want her having to leave the district again," Atlee said, picking up a broken harness trace. Taking it apart, he began to repair the broken edges.

  After two days of snow, sleet, and shrieking winds, Martha was relieved to wake up and see the weak sunrise beginning to peek over the horizon. Wunderbaar! I can go to Amish market tomorrow! That means I can finish all the baking I have planned. Throwing her blankets back, she gasped at the cold in her bedroom. Getting ready quickly, she hurried downstairs to begin making a hot breakfast. Just a few minutes later, her daed came downstairs and went to the barn to take care of the livestock.

  "Do you plan to sell baking tomorrow?" he asked.

  "Ya. I want to put more money into our account, against future emergencies. As long as the roads get better, I think I can do so," Martha said, covering the scrambled eggs. She scooped the bacon and cooked potatoes onto their breakfast plates, then added healthy servings of the eggs. "Sit down, daed, and eat it while it's hot. It is cold out there!"

  Andrew slanted a smile to his daughter.

  "You felt the cold upstairs, ya? It is very cold. It's also good that you're staying inside today. How much more baking do you have?"

  Martha tapped her finger on the old, wooden table as she thought.

  "Two pies... cookies... and, I believe, two cakes," she said, crinkling her smooth brow.

  "At this rate, you'll need more baking supplies soon. We don't know when we'll get another storm, so buy what you need when you can tomorrow," said Andrew, scooping the tender, fluffy eggs into his mouth. "As for me, I have two orders to finish. I would like to have them done in about a week. It looks like we'll both be adding money to our emergency fund."

  Two hours later, Martha had completed the pies and slid the cake batter into the hot oven. Wiping her sweaty forehead, she cleaned the counter and started working on making dinner for her and her daed. I have time after dinner to make two or three batches of cookies.

  That night, she smiled as she heard John's knock on the front door. She let him in quickly, mindful of the extreme cold outside.

  "Get in, get in! I can make hot chocolate for the two of us," she told John. "Come to the kitchen!"

  John followed her, sniffing the smells of the completed baking appreciatively

  "That smells wunderbaar! You don't know how much I missed the smell of good food while I was in the hospital," John said, smiling in gratitude.

  "I set aside some oatmeal raisin cookies, if you'd like them," Martha said, smiling as she moved a plateful of cookies to the table.

  "Love them. Denki!" John said, scooping one up and taking a huge bite. His eyes closed as he tasted the spicy cookie.

  "So, hospital food is..."

  "Horrible. There is no other word for it. I had to be there, and I'm fortunate I could receive treatment. But that food! Bleh!"

  "Well, you have your mamm's good home cooking now. And I see that you've regained some weight you badly needed to put back on," Martha said, giving John a winsome smile. "Here's the hot chocolate," she said, bringing two full cups back to the table.

  The couple continued to talk, bringing each other up to date on their days since the blizzard had begun. From there, they moved on to getting to know each other, asking each other questions about their childhoods and comparing them.

  "Well, I remember that my daed was strict with me," recalled Martha. "Especially after my mamm died, I had to let him know that I could pick up her responsibilities and help him out. He wanted to shield me, John. I had to tell him 'nee.' That's why I'm the way I am - so direct. I had to learn to become stronger, both for him and for me. My brothers and sisters had already moved out and started their own families. He brings in good money with his carpentry work, but we needed to increase that, so I started doing what mamm had taught me -" Martha said, ready to say more.

  "And you are an expert. Do you get much repeat business from Englischers?" asked John.

  "Ya, actually, I do. Mostly, it's people who live here in Pennsylvania and bring visiting family members into the district."

  "About those Englischers -do they respect the no-photos rule we have?" John asked. His smile had disappeared now.

  Martha saw this and thought she knew what he was thinking.

  "Ya, for the most part, they do. There are those that insist that 'one picture' won't condemn me to hell. When I see them raising their cameras or their, what are they, the smart- smartphone cameras, I just turn my back and refuse to turn back around. Of course, I've lost baked inventory that way when the children of the Englischers take advantage of my turned back and take my baking without paying for it."

  "No! You should make them..."

  "John, hold on. You're starting to try and control me," Martha said, using a firm tone of voice.

  John, about to say something else, sighed and closed his eyes.

  "You're right. I'm sorry. What do you do to keep Englischers from taking advantage of you?" John felt his heart pounding. Was that... no, my thoughts feel clear. I do want to talk to Mike about it, though.

  "... tell them no. Now, I keep everything covered with clear covers so they can see what I have, but only I can remove what they order from the cases," Martha said. She gave John a searching look.

  John let out a whooshing breath.

  "It sounds like you've thought of solutions that work for you. Martha, I'm sorry about that. I want to talk to Mike about that. I think it's more just seeing how my own daed used to be, but I think Mike can help me figure that out," he said. Again, he tested his thoughts. Normal.

  "John, are you OK?" Martha's brow had crinkled in worry.

  "Ya. I'm testing my thoughts and they are perfectly normal. I don't hear... voices or anything," he said, .looking carefully at Martha, trying to gauge her reaction. Seconds ticked by.

  "And? Now?" she asked.

  John smiled, relieved. "Normal. I will let you, daed, mamm and my therapist all know if things don't 'feel' or 'sound' right. It will happen, Martha. We have only just begun getting to know each other, so, if you decide you want to stop seeing me now, please let me know," he said, holding his breath and feeling a trembling inside.

  "Nee. As long as you're honest with me, I feel comfortable with you," Martha said, resting her hand on John's covered forearm.

  John felt strong relief. He covered her hand with his own and squeezed it in thanks and prayerfulness.

  "John, you don't have to worry. I'll let you know if I don't like something you say or do. That's how I am. Daed had to get used to the change, too," Martha said with a small smile playing across her face.

  After that night, Martha and John continued growing closer and the visits became courting visits. During one singing in February, however, John forgot to monitor his tendency to control others and, when he saw Martha talking and laughing with her friends, including a male cousin, he walked over to her and took her arm.

  "Martha, please come with me," he said, his voice sounding like a near-bark.

  Martha's smile slid off her face fast and she looked at him from under her eyebrows.

  "Excuse me? I'm with my cousin and friends!" she said, pulling her
arm out of his hand.

  "You're being too loud, Martha. Others are..."

  "Looking at me and seeing me having fun with my girlfriends. That's all. Adam is my cousin. We grew up together," Martha said. Her friendly face had closed down, making her look remote.

  "Please come join me for the singing," said John.

  "Nee. I prefer sitting with my friends today, John," Martha said. Her blue eyes had turned glacially cold.

  Chapter 5

  John, seeing the cold blue look of her eyes, remembered almost too late what she had told him about her personality. He let go of her arm and raised both hands so the palms faced her.

  "OK. I'm sorry. I was wrong," he said, feeling confused.

  "I'm serious, John. I'm sitting with my friends. Sit with yours and think about what we talked about," Martha said, standing firm.

  John gazed at her, stunned. She's serious! Was I - trying to control her? Or was I letting her know that she was being too... is my behavior normal?

  "I think I'm just going to go home," he mumbled to her. "I need to think about this." Striding quickly to his father, he asked them if they were ready to leave.

  "John, are you OK? What happened?" Amos said, feeling lost and confused.

  "Can we go talk quietly?" John asked.

  "Ya." Amos led the way to the far end of the barn.

  "... so, I grabbed her arm and she pulled away. She's going to the singing with her cousin and friends. Daed, was I wrong?" John asked, feeling frightened.

  "I think Mike would say that you need to loosen up a little more. She's with friends and her cousin, John. She's doing no harm. We are done... how are your thoughts right now?" Amos gave John a sharp look.

  "They're fine. I don't hear anything going on in my head, other than the doubts I've been having. I think I'd better write this down into my journal because I want to talk to Mike about it. Denki, daed."

  Five minutes later, after Rachel had collected her washed casserole dish, the family had left. Instead of going to Martha's house as had become his habit, John decided he would be better off staying home and thinking. He sat on the back porch, watching the afternoon winter as it moved toward early evening. Seeing the purpling of the atmosphere, he got up and walked toward the barn to help Amos with the livestock.

  "Feeling any better? How's your head?" Amos asked as he fed the horses and mules.

  "My head is fine, thank God. I've spent the afternoon thinking about what happened. I... think Martha's right. I did try to control her," John said, feeling downcast.

  "You are bound to have a few setbacks every now and again. What counts, son, is what you do in the aftermath. Do you feel like hitching the horse and going to stalk Martha?"

  "Daed! Heavens, no! I'm just going to stay home and spend the evening thinking quietly so I don't make this mistake again. Daed, I know I'll make mistakes. I just don't want to make this one again," said John, looking into his father's face. By now, they were walking through the packed down snow so they could warm up inside the house.

  Two days later, Mike drove to Peace Crossing for John's weekly therapy session.

  "How was last week? Do you have your journal for me to copy?" Mike asked.

  "It's right here. I... had kind of a scary event last Sunday..." John explained what had happened and what his reaction had been.

  "What did you do?"

  "I let go of her arm and apologized," John said.

  "And your thought processes? What were they like?" Mike's dark eyes bored straight into John's eyes, as if he could see straight into John's faulty brain.

  John sighed.

  "Thank the Lord they were normal. No racing thoughts, no voices, no confusion." Shifting in his chair, John looked straight back at Mike.

  "Very good. So, what's going on with Martha now?"

  "I'm waiting to talk to you before going to see her and apologize again," said John. "I just want to do a reality check with you and make very sure that I'm not getting sick again."

  "Good, good. What are your thoughts like right now?"

  "Clear. I can keep my thoughts organized and understand everything that's happening. And there's no need to go stalk Martha."

  "Whew. I think you handled it well. However, I'm giving you my cell phone number, just in case. Call me, especially if you feel like you're losing your grip on reality."

  After the appointment ended and Mike returned to Philadelphia, John waved him off, feeling as if an overwhelming weight had been lifted from his back. Walking inside, he had a new lightness to his step.

  "Well, look at you," Rachel said as she brought dinner to the table. "You look much happier."

  "Ya. I feel much better. Mike wants me to call him if I feel like I'm losing control of my thoughts. Other than that, he told me that I handled things well on Sunday."

  "Wunderbaar!" Rachel smiled at her youngest son, relieved that he had handled his falling-out with Martha so well.

  After the house was empty and Rachel had cleaned up the kitchen, she reflected on how John's mental health crisis had brought her and Amos closer. Amos had realized that he could rely on her to help the family in an extended crisis. John has also learned to see that we are individuals and he doesn't have to monitor us all the time. He does monitor John much more closely, though. I suppose, with John's condition, that's necessary. I am grateful to you, Lord, for helping Amos to make the changes he's had to make.

  Life in the Beiler household smoothed out once again. Three weeks later, John realized he was beginning to feel his old thought patterns returning. He thought about Martha, wondering what she was doing. Setting his tools down with a sharp bang, he sighed, rubbing the sides of his head.

  "John? Are you OK?" Amos came in from the barn side of the building. "John? What is it?"

  John struggled with honesty. He really didn't want to return to the hospital! Opening and closing his mouth, he sighed and spoke.

  "I - I feel the need to go and check on Martha..."

  "Why?"

  "Because - I don't want her to... Lord, daed, I don't want to go back to the hospital!" John said, squeezing his eyes shut.

  "John. Look at me. Right now." Amos' voice was a low growl.

  John, hearing the low timbre of his father's voice, snapped his eyes open right away.

  "Ya?"

  "If you go back into your old ways, John, you'll be hospitalized for much longer than eight weeks. Do you understand this?"

  "Call Mike, please. His card's on my bench," said John, trying to force the traitorous thoughts back.

  "He wants to see you as soon as possible. I'll tell your mamm, and then we'll go."

  "Does he want to admit me?"

  "I don't know. I don't think so. He was saying that if he can get you to control your thinking, you can come back home. John, what led to this?" Amos asked, trotting next to John, who walked quickly.

  "Martha couldn't see me tonight. She said something about a family event and not being able to get away. I tried to get her to change her mind, but..."

  The two were in the kitchen now.

  "Rachel, John's having a hard time. We have to take him to go see Mike," Amos said, fear in his eyes.

  "Ach! Let me put things away..." Rachel said, turning burners off and putting food back into the refrigerator. Ten minutes later, they had hitched two of the horses to the buggy and were off. One hour later, they were at the hospital, being ushered into Mike's office.

  John explained what had set off his current crisis.

  "OK, John, let's try to see this from a different point of view. One that helps you to see that maybe, just maybe, Martha's telling you the truth. Now, has she been seeing someone other than you?"

  "I don't... no, she hasn't," John muttered. He was listening for the voices, fearful of hearing them.

  "What does her life revolve around?"

  "God, her daed and family. Me. In that order," John said, still listening for the voices.

  "John, we'll get to the voices in due time. Now,
what does your life revolve around?"

  "God, my family, work and Martha. She's moving up in priority, the better I get to know her."

  "OK. Now, if she suggested you two get together, and your family had planned an event that you just couldn't get out of, what would you do?"

  John chuckled, understanding now. "I'd say that I can't get away, it's a family event. I see what she was doing now. She had to stay with her family. She couldn't get away, and if she'd tried, her daed and aunts and uncles would have gotten upset at her. Rightfully."

  "Exactly, John! Now, that's what I want you to do. When you know why she is refusing your suggestion for time together, say a family get-together, I want you to do this same exercise. Chances are excellent that you'll come to the same conclusion you just did a minute ago... now, about those voices. You hearing anything?"

  "Nee. Not a whisper. What I do know is that I need to apologize to Martha. It'll be too late to do it today, so I'll drive out to her farm and do it then," John said.

  "John, you'll have to work on this, probably all your life. Sometimes, it'll be easier than others. As long as we're working together, I will help you. Got that?" Mike looked straight at John with a slight smile on his face.

  "Ya. I got that. Denki, Mike."

  "De nada. That means, 'it's nothing.'"

  Winter eased its cold grip on Peace Crossing as grass and flowers began to grow. Rebecca drove her buggy home from school, thinking about her growing relationship with Atlee. As close as they were, she still felt the need to continue getting to know him before committing to anything any deeper. I think I need to let him know this so he doesn't think I don't want to court with him anymore.

  That evening, the sunlight continued to pour into the kitchen later than it had during the winter. Hearing Atlee's gentle knock at the front door, Rebecca smiled at her mamm and, drying her hands, she hurried to the door and answered it. While they visited, she brought up her thoughts to him.

  "Atlee, I just need to take a little more time, getting to know you," she told him. "John is healthy now, but last year, he was very sick and his actions forced me to leave Peace Crossing," Rebecca said, rubbing her hands together.