Let Me Go

by Michelle Lynn

  Live my life lady and then judge.

  “What is she on?” I ask, not giving one shit if she doesn’t like me.

  “That’s none of your concern.” She checks my mom’s IV and pats her arm. “Linda, are you okay, dear?”

  What the fuck?

  “Yes, thank you.” My mom acts sweet as pie. “This is my daughter.” The nurse glances over to me with a twitch of her lip.

  “That’s nice.” She struts up to me at the edge of the bed. “I suggest you go cool off, maybe down to the cafeteria.”

  “Thanks for the suggestion.” I cross my arms and wait for her to leave.

  With a huff, she writes something on the whiteboard and exits.

  “I’m not going to argue with you. You need to get help, end of the discussion. I’ll have Matty until it happens. Tell Carl—”

  “Carl left town,” she murmurs, which means I see why she ran to my dad now. Another man broke her heart.

  “Does Matty know?”

  “No. I doubt he even cares.”

  “It’s his dad, Mom, he cares.” My heart sinks for Matty.

  “Take him.”

  “I am and when you get better, come back.” I walk alongside of her bed and sit down. “I’m sorry for getting angry. I just want you to get better so we can be a family. I want to live like a normal twenty-two year old.” Grabbing her hand, she pries it back at first. Physical contact isn’t usually our thing.

  “Take him, Paige,” she murmurs.

  “I told you, I will until you come back.”

  “No, take him.”

  “Mom, No!”

  Although the scenario has always seemed inevitable in my mind, I don’t want her to give up on herself.

  She looks into my eyes for the first time since I entered the room. “Please.”

  Tears are forming, my nose is tickling, and my mouth is dry. I might be committed into their psych ward myself because I can’t raise a four year old, and do my classes. When will I get my own life? A life where I’m not responsible for someone else. If she’s asking then there’s something really bad going on.

  “I’m going to go down to the cafeteria and I want you to really think this through, okay?” I squeeze her hand and it goes limp in mine.

  “Nothing will change. I’m too selfish.”

  “We could get you help. I’ll watch him while you’re getting healthy.”

  “Oh, Paigey, you’ve always been my pick me up.” She places her hand on my cheek. “Always made me think I was better than I am.”

  “You are. Just think about it and then I’ll be right back, okay?” I shift to get up and she grabs my hand one more time.

  “I love you, Paige. I’m shitty at showing it, but I do.”

  “I know. I love you, too.” I slowly back up, unsure of where this discussion will move if I don’t leave the room. I need to clear my head and think about what she’s asking. “Get some rest and I’ll be right back.”

  I leave the room with my arms hanging and my head down, right into Rob’s chest. He wraps me in his warmth and I allow him to comfort me. “I’m sorry, baby. It got heated in there, huh?”

  I nod into his chest and then step back letting his hands fall. “She wants me to take Matty.”

  His eyes drop and then they meet mine. He’s not upset, or panicked. Those blue eyes are easy as the sky on a clear summer day. “I’ll help you. Chrissy and Dex will. Hell, I’m sure everyone will help us out. It’s temporary, we can do it.”

  It’s so cute the way he says we and I believe he really believes that. But one month to forever changes a relationship that just budded. “No.” I shake my head. “For good.”

  Shock hits his face and his head rears back. “Oh, man.” He runs his hand through his hair. “What did you say?”

  “I told her to think about it.” I stare at his chest, my fingers playing with his shirt to distract me from his unsure eyes. “I’ll have to move, get an apartment. I’m going to have to ask my dad—”I stop myself before trust fund slips out, but the thought of asking my dad to sign it over, is a punch in the face. If he doesn’t, what do I do then?

  “Hey.” He places his hands on my cheeks and forces my head up. “Your mind is working overtime. Let’s go and get a coffee and talk this out, okay?”

  I nod, unable to truly form words. He leads me down the hallway, following the signs to the cafeteria. “Can you message Chrissy and ask her if she has Matty yet?” The kid just became an orphan and doesn’t even know it yet.

  “Yeah.”

  The elevator dings and the doors open. I can hear the clanking of silverware and trays before we arrive in the cafeteria. Rob’s staring down at his phone, his fingers flying across the screen. As soon as we step through the archway, an uneasiness comes over me. Scratching off the repercussions from talking with my mom, I locate the coffee area and weave my way through the early-morning rush. Rob travels behind me, and when I stop at the coffee, I’m waiting in line.

  “He’s there and Dex is playing basketball in the driveway with him. She said he’s doing great.”

  “Thank you.” His hands land on my shoulders and he kisses the top of my head. Flutters spur in my stomach with his intimate touch.

  “Always,” he whispers and then his phone dings again.

  I grab a cup and press the button for the coffee. I squeeze close to the girl next to me and reach across her. “Sorry.” She smiles.

  “Close quarters.”

  “Yeah.” I press the lid down on my cup and call over my shoulder. “Rob, do you want a coffee?” I ask since he’s texting away to Chrissy. Most likely filling her in on the situation.

  “Yeah, babe.” He tucks the phone in his pocket and grabs a cup. “I got it.”

  “Rob?” The girl next to me asks with a shaky voice and then hot liquid spills all over the counter.

  I keep my eyes on Rob. He picks up his head and his face pales as though he’s staring at a ghost. For some reason, I know who she is without seeing her face. “Carly?” Rob questions and my stomach plummets.

  MY EYES ARE messing with me, right? No way she’s right there next to my girlfriend. This is some ultra-universe. It has to be a fucking movie, and only anger spurs inside of me. My life is finally on track and damn if she’s going to come back and screw it up.

  Paige slowly circles around and comes face to face with my first love. She grabs some napkins to clean the mess while Carly and I stare at one another in sheer shock.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Carly says, helping Paige clean up the mess, and I dump the coffee in the trash can. Unless there’s a bar here I don’t know about, nothing is about to calm my nerves in this moment.

  The mess gets cleaned up and I grab Paige’s coffee. Her eyes flick to mine, silently asking me what I’m about to do. I’m going to do exactly what Carly did to me seven years ago. “Let’s go, Paige.”

  I motion with my head and Paige steps forward, staring back at Carly. The people around us must sense the tension in the air. It’s stifling.

  “Rob,” Carly queries, leaning forward but I beeline to the cashier.

  When someone tugs on my elbow, I ignore it. I place the coffee on the counter and the cashier rings me up. I hand the coffee to Paige without a glance back and flee to the tables.

  Paige follows me and sits down. “You can’t just ignore her.” She leans into me, her hand on my leg. How can this not scare the shit out of her? If it was some old boyfriend she anticipated riding in the sunset with once upon a time, I’d be running us out of here.

  “Why, she ignored me?”

  My eyes scan the cafeteria, wondering if others are with her. Right as I get by the door, a pair of green eyes align with mine. Xavier. Right next to him is Nora and then their mother. My eyes close as she finds me across the cafeteria. They still have the capability to make me want to disappear.

  “Do you want to go?” Paige whispers in my ear and I shake my head. The asshole is right at the edge, about to rear its ugly head and I
can’t do that to Paige right now. I just told her I love her, her mother threw her a curveball with Matty. She deserves so much more than I’m giving her in this moment.

  “No.” I focus on her. “I’m fine. They are nothing to me.”

  “That’s not true and you know it.” I should have known she would fight me. “Let’s go talk to them.”

  “How can you be pushing this issue right now?”

  “Because you have to face it.”

  “No, I don’t.” I stand up and slam the chair into the table, making the coffee spill over.

  Paige picks it up and a cleaning lady comes by to mop it up. “Thank you,” Paige tells her and I hear her footsteps behind me.

  Using the door on the other side of the room, I thrust it open and the light from the outside is calling for me. The fresh air hits my lungs. I suck in a breath, and then bend at my waist to gain some balance of breathing in and out. Yanking at the strands of my black hair, I bolt.

  I need to escape and gain as much distance as I can away from them. Paige follows me until the balcony cages me in, forcing me to turn around. She doesn’t stop until her body is flush against mine. Her hands grab each side of my head and she stares up at me. There’s nothing but love in her eyes, nothing but you’re my hero. She’s amazing and what’s about to happen is going to fuck this up between us.

  “It’s okay. Talk to me,” she pleads and I want to grab her and fly up into the sky like Superman. She’s got enough on her plate without me adding a side of my troubled past to it.

  “We’re just going to move on.” Just then Nora and Carly emerge around the corner and begin approaching us slowly. “Fuck. Tell them to leave before I go ape shit.”

  Paige twists around and then faces me again. “Just talk.” Right when they get close, I slam my lips onto Paige’s and insert my tongue forcefully into her mouth. She slaps my chest and when I break the kiss she’s pushes off me. “Don’t.” Her authoritative voice grabs my attention. “Don’t use me as some ploy to make her jealous. It only devalues me.” She steps back and I close my eyes. Paige has always seen the good and bad inside of me.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumble. My eyes glued to Carly.

  “I know.” She places her hand in mine and I squeeze it.

  “Hi.” Nora speaks first and her eyes focus more on Paige than me. “Paige, right?” Paige nods. “This is my sister, Carly.”

  Carly’s eyes leave mine and look to Paige. “Hi.” She holds her hand out and Paige shakes it.

  “Hi.” Paige is too polite, what the hell? Maybe she doesn’t love me; I don’t forget she never told me back.

  “Hi, Rob.” Carly faces me and my throat dries.

  “Carly . . . Nora.” There I did it. Is Paige happy now?

  “How have you been?” Carly continues and I wish I could zip her mouth shut.

  “Great.” I splash on a wide smile, showing all my teeth.

  “Good.” Her eyes flick to Paige and then back to mine. “Can we talk?”

  “No.”

  “Please.”

  “You had your chance seven years ago when you got on that plane.”

  “Just talk to her.” Nora pleads her case and my shoulders slump.

  “Talk.” I wrap my arm around Paige and draw her in.

  “We’ll be over there.” Paige points to the bench on the other side and steps away from me. I miss her reassurance already.

  “You don’t have to.” I fight but Paige gives me a small smile. How is she so damn resilient?

  Nora and Paige wander over to the bench side by side, silence encompassing everyone.

  I wheel around to stare out to the city. “What do you want?”

  She tentatively comes along my side. “I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “My grandpa is dying.”

  My head whips around. “Grandpa Hank?” She nods. “Sorry.”

  I loved her grandpa. He was the first person to give me a beer.

  “Me too. Cancer.”

  “How’s California?”

  “I live in Texas now.”

  “Run away from some other slop?”

  “Rob, don’t do that. You have selective memory when it comes to us.”

  I turn around, my eyes pinning hers. “You want to know what I remember, Carly? I remember grieving by myself. Dealing with the guilt of what I did all by myself. You ran from me and I fucking loved you.”

  “I know, but God, I killed my dad. Do you think I don’t wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t kept coming on to you and wouldn’t have made you distracted at the wheel? I ran away from not only you, but my family. I couldn’t handle it all.”

  “You found clarity in a new city, with friends?”

  “No, I found therapy. It’s taken me a long time, Rob, but I’ve made amends with myself.”

  “That’s good. I have too and now things are going good and I’m not going to allow you to come back and screw it up for me.” I step back but she steps forward. Her eyes glance over to Paige and Nora and I turn around to see them. They’re hidden by a tree and can’t see us.

  “I came back for my grandpa, but I planned to visit you. Nora told me about your girlfriend.” Her hand extends and covers mine on the rail. “Let’s give it another try?”

  “You’re insane.” I’m surprised how level my voice is.

  “Rob, we were good together. I still love you.” She’s inching closer as I keep backing away.

  “Carly, back up.” I remove her hand from my mine.

  Staring into her green eyes, I could float back to memories long gone. Her red hair tucked back into a ponytail, the way it swung back and forth to the same rhythm as her ass. I’m so concentrated on who we were seven years ago, I fail to notice her close proximity to me. Her hand reaches around my back and she presses herself against me.

  “You know you still want me. Remember our first time? The night you told me you loved me.”

  My body is fighting and just as I unwind myself from her grip, Paige runs by.

  Fuck.

  “Paige!” I scream after her and I run, stopping in my tracks at Nora. “What did you say to her?” I yell.

  “Nothing. I just talked about you and Carly back in the day.” She pops a shoulder and rage occupies every fiber of my body. She purposely made Paige upset.

  Shaking my head, I sprint toward Paige, who’s now disappeared into the hospital.

  I LITERALLY CAN’T breathe, and I’m two seconds from passing out.

  “Paige!” Rob screams as I flee past him, not missing how close the two of them are.

  I wanted to be the good girlfriend. The one to suggest he handles his past because I’m his present and hope to be his future. But good things don’t happen to me and I should have realized that someone’s past always haunts them. Everyone remembers their first.

  Unsure if he’s following me, I duck into a women’s bathroom and escape into a stall. As the tears roll down my cheeks, I pick up my feet on the toilet and pull my knees into my chest.

  Nora’s sly way of telling me maybe I should step aside and see if their history still burns. Her damn analogy of embers and fire pissed me off. Trying to tell me there might be embers burning below the surface that would never be extinguished. What the hell? A few weeks ago she said Carly would want him to be happy and to make sure it happens. Now, I think it was a calculated plan and they hit their target on the mark. My heart shattered when she said Carly had called Rob this week and they had a date set to talk. I knew she lied I mean the shock on Rob’s face wasn’t an act. He didn’t think Carly stood in the same state let alone the same hospital as us.

  It was my last straw, and maybe if my mom wasn’t upstairs ready to end her life and give me her son, I’d saunter over there and let Rob kiss the shit out of me right in front of her. I ran because it’s all too much and I’m drowning in my own head. I wish it was months ago, before Rob snuck in and took a hold of my heart. Then it’d be easier for me to push him as
ide and deal with my fucked up life. But I want to be selfish and keep him for myself, because he’s my own little sliver of sunshine peeking through the clouds at the end of a thunderstorm.

  Questions fill my brain. How? Why? Will my life ever be simpler and happier?

  No! No, I’m not going to sit here and be sad for myself. I don’t need a man in my life anyway. So, I stand up, swipe the tears from my cheeks and open the door. After splashing my face with water, I pat my face with the paper towels and leave the confines of the bathroom.

  Luckily, Rob’s nowhere to be found, but if he truly wants to find me, he’ll be there. Just as I expected and hoped, he’s leaning against the wall outside my mom’s room.

  When he sees me, he kicks off the wall and breaks the distance, grabbing my hands. God knows what the nurses think is happening here. “It’s not what you think. I don’t even know why she’s telling me she wants me back.”

  I choke on the small amount of saliva still in my throat. “She wants you back?” I question. This is clarification from Nora’s comments.

  He places his hand behind his neck and his forearms strain. “Yeah.”

  I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath. No need for Yoga this week.

  “I need to deal with this now.”

  He stays silent and I sneak through the curtain, finding an empty bed and the nurse shaking her head. She hands me a handwritten note. “She discharged herself.” Then she leaves the room and I hear Rob step in.

  Paigey—I’m sorry. I was never meant to be a Mom, but I think we both already know that. I’m not cut out for the selflessness it entails. Somehow I brought up a daughter who is. You love Matty. I’m sorry for being a nightmare, but I meant what I said, I love you and Matty. Please always remember that. I’ve already made arrangements. Call this number and they’ll take care of everything for you.

  Love, Mom

  I throw the note and the business card for a social worker across the room and it lands on top of the bed. Rob’s arms wrap around me, my back resting to his chest. “We got this,” he assures me and I wish his words were true.