Dare to Want

by C. J. Welles

  After half an hour and two more beers for me, she turns to me and rests her hand on my thigh, a few inches below where my junk is. I know what she wants, but I don’t know if I can.

  Fuck knows why.

  Ain’t nothing going to happen with Jolene and me, but for the past three days I’ve been holding out hope that things would change between us. Maybe things would have if I didn’t act like a jerk after she gave me her virginity.

  “I ain’t interested,” I slur to the chick who is now rubbing her hand up and down my thigh. Getting closer to my dick each time.

  “Why?”

  “Just ain’t,” I reply as I finish my beer and gesture for another.

  “Are you taken?”

  I wobble on my stool, and the room tilts a little, but I right myself as I peer over my shoulder at Jolene who is deep in conversation with the asshole sitting next to her.

  That should be me sitting there.

  It would be me if I didn’t act like a dickhead.

  “Nope,” I reply as I turn back around and face the bar.

  An hour later and another five beers, I’m drunk.

  When Charlotte cups my dick for the third time, I give in. Leading her out of the bar and onto the sidewalk, I hail a cab and take her back to the house we’re renting.

  We don’t even make it past the kitchen before I’ve pulled her dress up and snapped the side of her thong. After pulling them off her, I turn her around and place her hands on the bench. Less than a minute later, I’ve got my dick out and put on a rubber before slamming into her.

  In the back of my mind, I realize I shouldn’t be fucking a random chick, but my drunken mind and hard dick stop me from using common sense.

  The realization that I’ve fucked up comes when Jolene walks in and sees us. That’s the last time she talks to me for nearly six years.

  ***

  Chapter 4

  Jolene

  PRESENT DAY

  “UM, THERE IS a tall, blond and handsome man coming our way and he is looking right at you.”

  I glance up and quickly advert my gaze elsewhere.

  What is he doing?

  Why is he doing this?

  Can’t he leave me alone? I’m sure I suffered enough heartache and humiliation from Nathan six years ago.

  “Just ignore him,” I say to Amanda, my friend. When she found out I was back in town this week, she contacted me about catching up for coffee. I had mentioned I was coming down to Austin to try to get some suitable material for my next article and she offered to drive down with me.

  “Jolene,” he calls out as he stops two rows below us on the stands, directly in front of me.

  I don’t glance up at him and pretend not to hear him. But it gets harder when he repeats my name.

  “Um Jolene,” Amanda whispers. “Why are we ignoring Nathan?” And that is the annoying part of living in a small town. Everyone knows everyone. Of course, she knows who Nathan is and the connection our families had with Bryson and Casey until they broke up.

  “Jolene,” Nathan says louder, and I know he is bringing attention to us.

  I stand up and lean forward until we are close enough to touch. “Just go, Nathan,” I grate out.

  “I just want to talk.”

  “You had the chance to talk six years ago.”

  His eyes narrow. “Don’t put all that shit on me. We both fucked up.”

  “Yeah, I fucked up, but you fucked another girl where I would easily find you both.”

  He sighs as he runs both hands through his blond hair. “I didn’t mean for you to find us.” He sighs again. “Look, I’m sorry,” he says before he turns to walk away.

  As I slowly sit back down, an unfamiliar sensation forms in the pit of my tummy.

  Regret for not giving him a chance.

  I should give him a chance to talk like I should have talked to him six years ago. But I don’t because I let the hurt from years ago and my pride control me.

  *

  “JOLENE,” HE CALLS out for the third time, but I don’t stop. Instead, I quicken my pace towards my car which is at the back of the parking lot.

  Telling myself that I need to give him a chance and actually giving him a chance to talk, is hugely different.

  Nathan catches me as I reach my car door and get it open. He pushes against it until it slams closed.

  “What are you doing?” I ask with a growl while trying to keep the sigh in, from having his body pushed up against mine.

  “Jolene, just talk to me,” is his response as his hands land on my shoulders and he turns me around.

  “What do you want to talk about, Nathan?”

  “You. Me. Us.”

  “There is no us,” I whisper as I fist my hands at my sides, stopping myself from touching him.

  It’s too tempting, standing this close to him.

  “There could be.”

  I tightly clench my eyes closed as I try to will away the tears that threaten to form in my eyes. “There could have been, but you hurt me, Nathan.” I open my eyes before placing my hands on his chest, trying to push him back. I need space. Nathan being this close gives my body the wrong ideas. “I gave you a piece of me that I hadn’t given to anyone else.”

  I feel his body tense beneath my touch. His eyes narrow before he takes a step back, making my hands fall to my sides.

  “And you fucking lied about it. You let me fuck you against a tree outside a bar.”

  A tear slides down my cheek from his harsh words. Even though it’s the truth, it still hurts. “Because I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want you to treat me differently.”

  “What? With respect?”

  “No,” I choke out. “I saw you. How you were with other girls. They were all the ‘one-night stand with experience’ kind of girls. I was… You were my best friend, and I was a virgin. I didn’t think you’d want me.”

  He shakes his head. “Are you serious? All those other girls had been with every Tom, Dick, and Harry before me. They meant nothing. But you… You were different. You meant something to me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper as tears run down my cheeks. “I was out of my league and I… I just wanted you because I loved you.”

  “Don’t,” he growls out. “Don’t say that. Don’t go throwing around that word.” He shakes his head as he takes two more steps away from me. “If you loved me, you would have told me. You would have trusted me, and you would have given me a chance.”

  “I was scared.”

  “Yeah, well, you got what you wanted in the end.” He doesn’t let me reply before he turns and begins walking away.

  “If I got what I wanted,” I call out. “I would have had you. Instead, I found you with another girl only nights later.”

  His body goes rigid as he comes to a stop. We’re both silent for so long that it starts to become uncomfortable.

  “You said to forget about it.” He turns to face me. “You blocked me out, and then you were sitting with that man laughing and having a good time.” He closes his eyes for a moment before they open again, and he looks directly at me. “I tried to deal with it in the way us stupid men do. I got drunk because I was jealous. I took a girl home, so I could try and forget you as you asked me to.”

  My breath catches in my throat when I see the pain and regret in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again. I don’t know what I’m apologizing for, but it’s all I can think of to say. “I didn’t think when I kissed you.” I shift my gaze to the ground as I lean up against my car door, my energy zapped from the emotions traveling through my body. “I saw that girl all over you, and I got jealous. Then well, I kissed you and ran because I was ashamed. Then it all happened so quickly, and I was nervous.” I gaze up into his brown eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  He lets out a deep breath, apparently feeling as drained as I am.

  I stand there and watch him observing me for five minutes.

  Neither of us says anything.

&nbs
p; No words are not needed, we know how we both feel.

  Suddenly, Nathan begins laughing. Not a small laugh that he tries to hide. I mean a full-on belly laugh that he doesn’t even try to control.

  As much as I don’t want to, I find myself smiling as I watch him double over at the waist.

  “What are you laughing at?” I try to sound serious and keep a scowl on my face, but I know I fail.

  Especially when Nathan stands up straight and slowly walks my way. I watch his hand rise, but I don’t step back. I let him trace my lips with his thumb.

  “We royally fucked up, didn’t we?”

  I go to say something. Don’t ask me what, but he places his finger over my lips, stopping me. “I’m not trying to start an argument. It’s a fact. We both fucked up big time.”

  I nod in agreement, my full lips brushing up and down against the calloused pad of his thumb.

  I bite my bottom lip as I hold back the sudden urge I have to take his thumb into my mouth and bite it. I don’t know where the urge has come from, but it’s there. And it’s making me feel hot and bothered.

  Nathan’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. He flicks his gaze to my lips, and the desire in his eyes makes my heart warm. I’ve seen that expression once before. The night we both made mistakes.

  I hold my breath as I wait for his next move. I don’t know if I want him to kiss me or not. I only know that I'm frozen to the spot. What happens next is his choice.

  After what seems like years but is only seconds, Nathan pulls his thumb away from my lips and drops his hand to his side.

  He takes a step back, putting distance between us. “Jolene,” he says, his tone low and husky.

  “I’m sor-”

  “Stop sayin’ that.” He takes a step towards me before placing his thumb under my chin and lifting my face to him.

  This is it.

  He’s going to kiss me.

  His face lowers towards mine, and I close my eyes, waiting for his lips to touch mine.

  I jolt when his breath hits the side of my neck and then my ear. “I want to kiss you.” His gravelly voice coming out low right near my ear causes me to shiver. Before I get the chance to tell him that I want him to kiss me, he talks again. “But I won’t.”

  “Huh?” I shake my head, clearing my mind from all things Nathan. “Why?”

  “Because” is his only response before he removes his hand from my chin. He turns and walks away, not stopping this time.

  I call out his name, and he pauses. “Where are you going?”

  He looks at me over his shoulder. “I’m going home. I’ll see you in Colorado Springs?” he questions even though I’m sure he knows I’m going to be there.

  I slowly nod my head, answering his question.

  He smiles at me before he walks away. I watch him until he’s out of sight before I get into my car and begin the drive home.

  ***

  Chapter 5

  Nathan

  I CURSE AGAIN when Jolene’s cell goes to message bank. I saw her yesterday just before Bryson done his ride. I asked for her number, so I could contact her to meet up last night.

  “What are you swearin’ about?” Bry asks.

  I ignore him as I press the call button. This time it goes to message bank before it even rings, which means she’s turned her phone off.

  “Fuckin’ hell,” I growl as I toss my phone on the floor of Bry’s truck.

  “What’s your problem?” Bry asks as Ryan says, “His girlfriend is givin’ him the cold shoulder.”

  “Fuck you,” I try hard to not get angry at Ryan, but it’s hard. If it weren’t for his drunk ass, I wouldn’t have forgotten to call Jolene last night.

  Last night, like every other night, they both ended up drunk. Bryson took some random chick to his trailer but then tossed her out without giving her what she wanted. Bry hasn’t looked sideways at a girl since before Krystal was on the scene. Ever since she died nearly a year ago, he has turned into some reformed nun or some shit. And Ryan, he ended up drunk and did take some random blond back to his room. Ever since he and Makayla had a falling out, he’s tried to bury his hurt by spending his nights between a different set of legs every night.

  And me, I’m the one who fucking well makes sure they make it home in one piece and stops them from doing something stupid.

  “What the fuck have I done?” he asks as he turns in his seat to face me, where I’m sitting in the backseat.

  “What the fuck have you done? More like what the fuck haven’t you done?” I bend down and pick my phone up. “Like every other fucking night, I ended up watchin’ out for your drunken ass. Fuck me, Ryan. Is it so hard for you to own up to your shit and call Makayla?”

  I angrily tap out a text to Jolene as I ignore the silence coming from the front seat.

  Me: Don’t shut me out. Last night isn’t what you think it was. I wasn’t standing you up.

  “Wanna tell us what’s going on?”

  “Nope.”

  Bry lets out an unexpected laugh. It’s not often that you hear him laugh these days. At least I can manage to make someone happy, even though I know it’s only temporary.

  “Is it about a chick?” he asks, and I don’t answer, which makes him laugh again.

  “Can you two just stop,” Ryan yells as he removes his shades from his face and tosses them onto the dash. “You,” he points to me. “are the one who is meant to be level-headed and happy. And you,” he waves his hand around in Bry’s face, and Bry knocks his hand out of the way. “are meant to be the moody asshole and not laughing.” Once he’s finished telling us off, he casually grabs his shades and put them back on.

  I don’t reply to anything he said. I’m still pissed at him.

  I watch as he pulls his packet of smokes from his pocket and puts one in his mouth. “Don’t go smoking that shit in my truck,” Bryson growls as he knocks the smoke from Ryan’s mouth.

  Ryan growls back and tries to pick it up, but Bry smacks him around the back if his head. “I mean it. You can wait until we get to the hotel.”

  Ryan gives in and puts his smokes away because we all know that Bry is a little precious when it comes to his ‘baby’. His truck.

  I don’t laugh, but I smile when I glance at them both. It’s back to normal. Bryson being moody and Ryan being broody.

  I check my cell, and there’s still no reply.

  I type out one more text before putting my phone away.

  Me: This isn’t over. You and me, we are going to happen. I’ll be waiting for you in Milwaukee.

  I know she is heading in the same direction as us. I managed to talk to her enough yesterday to find out where she plans to travel to for the next month.

  I’ve learned a few things in life. If you want something badly enough and it’s worth it, you work hard to get it.

  I’m prepared to work hard for what I want.

  I hope Jolene is ready for me because I’m not giving up until I get what I want, and I want her.

  *

  Jolene

  LOOKING DOWN AT my cell again, I reread Nathan’s message that he sent three hours ago.

  I sat in my hotel room until one o’clock this morning with my phone in my hand. For the first few hours, I was waiting for him to call me to meet up. Once it hit eleven o’clock, it was apparent he wasn’t coming, but I stupidly waited for him to ring to apologize.

  After giving up and hiding my cell away in my purse, I crawled into bed and let myself feel bad for myself. But when I woke up this morning, I gave myself a pep-talk. One similar to the one I gave myself six years ago. I will not let Nathan get to me again.

  I can’t do it. Nathan and I, we’re not meant to be. If we were, we wouldn’t have had a falling out six years ago.

  I slowly type out a text then read it three times before I send it.

  Me: I can’t do this Nathan. I can’t let myself get hurt again.

  I see the three dots that show when someone is typing, appear immediately. A
message comes through only seconds later followed by my phone beeping a second time.

  Nathan: Don’t say that.

  Nathan: You have to give me a chance. Give us a chance

  Me: Where were you last night?

  God, now I sound like a stage two clinger. Like a needy and untrusting girlfriend.

  Nathan: I was with Ryan because he was rotten drunk. Then I stayed with Bry.

  I read his message twice, trying to decide what to reply.

  I don’t know what to write, so I place my phone back in my purse and don’t respond like a coward.

  I should have known he was with them. I know how close he is to his brothers, especially Ryan. My problem is that with Ryan and Bryson comes girls. Mainly with Bry. Wherever Bry is on the circuit, there are truckloads of girls waiting to spend a dirty night with a hot guy.

  My cell beep again and I get it out and check my messages.

  Nathan: I’m staying at the lodge in Kearney tonight. Do us both a favor and stop there.

  I fight my nerves as I reply to him.

  Me: Okay

  I assume he means Kearney in Nebraska since it’s on the way to Milwaukee. I am talking about the Miller boys here, and for all I know, they could be in Kansas by now.

  Nathan: I’ll give you my room number.

  Me: Okay

  I close my eyes for a moment and hope I am doing the right thing for myself.

  Tossing my phone onto the seat beside me, I put my car in drive and pull away from the gas station, heading towards Kearney.

  *

  SIX HOURS LATER I’m driving down the main street of Kearney. It’s the first time I’ve been here, and I have no clue where the lodge is that Nathan mentioned. I searched for lodge’s on google maps, and three showed up, which is no help to me.

  Pulling over to the side of the road, I bring up Nathan’s number and hit the call button. “Hello,” he answers a few seconds later, his rumbly voice filtering through the phone on loudspeaker.

  “I’m, ah, I’m in Kearney and don’t know what lodge you’re at.”