Dare to Want

by C. J. Welles

  “Thank you, I’d forgotten about it.”

  “Hey, you know that wasn’t a first for Nathan. Bry taught him to ride the broncs a few years ago. Both him and Ryan can do it, but they focus on Bryson because he’s the one with the career in bull riding.”

  “Ah, I didn’t know.”

  “We better go. Will I see you later? We’re going to a bar downtown for drinks after Bryson has finished.”

  “Maybe. Which bar?”

  “Wagon Wheel. Flick me a message on facebook if you decide to come, and I’ll meet you out the front.”

  “Thanks.”

  I make my way back to my seat after Makayla and Jeremy walk off. I don’t know if going to the same bar as Nathan is a good idea or not. We haven’t seen each other since Milwaukee, and I don’t want things to be awkward for us and everyone.

  I stay seated and watch the rest of the bronc riding and then the bull riding after. As expected Bryson gets the best score and gets himself another buckle to add to the collection he already has.

  *

  Nathan

  “GREAT RIDE TODAY,” Toby, one of the other bronc riders, says to me as he sits down next to me.

  As soon as we arrived at the Wagon Wheel, I grabbed two drinks then went out the back and found a seat around the fire pot. I don’t feel like being inside a cramped bar full of drunk people.

  “Thanks,” I reply as I shake his outstretched hand.

  “Have you thought of doing it as a career?

  “Nah, I don’t have the time. I’m only here for Bryson.”

  “That’s a shame, you’ve got the talent for it.”

  “Thanks, but my brother needs me more at the moment than what I need to ride.”

  “If you change your mind, come to see me,” Toby says as he stands up.

  “Yeah, maybe one day down the track.”

  “Did I hear that right?” Bryson asks as he sits down in the seat Toby just vacated. “You just turned down bronc riding for me? As much as I’m flattered you want to spend all your time with me; I will manage without you.”

  “It’s not that.”

  “Yeah, I figured. I saw Jolene inside just before.”

  Great. That’s all I need; spending my night dodging her as I pretend like I’m happy.

  I saw her today when I was still in the chute waiting to begin. It was all I could think about while the bronc was trying to buck me off. Even after I went back to Bryson’s trailer, I still pictured her standing there at the fence with worry all over her face.

  “That’s fantastic,” I mumble as I take a swig of my beer.

  “It is. She’s having a ball in there with some guy who’s taken an interest in her.”

  “What?” I ask as I spray my beer all over the ground in front of me. I wipe away a dribble from my chin as I look at Bryson.

  “I think you heard me.” He stands up and looks down at me. “Don’t make the same mistake you did six years ago.”

  That’s rich coming from him.

  *

  Jolene

  “HOW LONG ARE you in Springfield for?” I ask Makayla. I gave in when she messaged me and asked me to join her at the bar.

  “Just until the guys move on. I think maybe Monday or Tuesday. What about you?”

  I look over to Nathan who is leaning against the wall as he watches Bryson and Ryan play darts against some of the other guys from the circuit.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t planned anything.”

  While I was back home, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to achieve in life and how I get there. Mostly I realized I do have to let things be. I can’t always be in control. Sometimes it’s better to go with the flow and trust that everything will be okay.

  Nathan looks my way, and our eyes meet. I go to wave but think better of it. Instead, I only smile and wait for a response.

  It doesn’t come.

  He looks away without acknowledging me.

  My heart would crack from the rejection if it weren't already broken.

  “What happened with you and Nathan? When I talked to Bryson a month or so ago he said you and Nathan were spending time together.”

  I look away from Nathan to where Makayla is staring at me, waiting for an answer. “It’s complicated.”

  “Things are only as complicated as you make them.”

  “Yeah, don’t I know that,” I mumble. Leaning back in my chair, I close my eyes briefly before looking back at Makayla. “Things were good, perfect for about a week. Then Nathan wanted more than I did. Well, more than I would let myself want. I didn’t want a repeat of six years ago, so I kept my walls up.”

  “See what I said. It’s only as complicated as you made it.”

  “I know.” I finish my soda then look around the room for Nathan when I can’t see him and Bryson at the dart board.

  “He went out the back.” I turn around when I hear Bryson behind me. “Look, it’s none of my business, but if you love Nathan as much as I think you do, you should go after him.”

  “Has he… Is he…” My shoulders slump as I ask the question I don’t exactly want to hear the answer for. “Is he with another girl?”

  Bryson shakes his head. “No.” My body relaxes, but I stay seated. “You should know us Millers have too much pride. If Nathan gets turned down once, he won’t come crawling back. He may come across like he doesn’t give a shit, but he does.”

  Makayla reaches across the table and places her hand over mine. “You should go find him.” She squeezes my hand before she stands up. “Remember what I said. You can make things uncomplicated.”

  I watch as Makayla links her arm with Bryson. “Let’s go, cowboy, you owe me a drink.”

  “Okay, but first, I want to know where your boyfriend is,” he replies as they walk away.

  *

  Makayla

  “YOU’RE PRETTY GOOD at dealing out advice but not following it yourself,” Bryson says to me as he sits on one of the logs of wood that get used as seats, out the back of the bar.

  “That’s rich coming from you.”

  “How?”

  I sit down next to him and place my drink on the ground beside me. “One word. Casey.”

  I see him flinch but don’t say anything. I know he doesn’t talk about Casey, but anyone with a heartbeat knows he still has feelings for her. “You’ve been spending too much time with Nathan,” he growls as he kicks out at a rock in front of him. “We’re not here to talk about me.”

  I let out a loud sigh as my heart clenches in my chest. “Bry, there’s nothing to say. I gave Ryan more chances than he deserved but he threw them all back in my face.”

  The last time I had to watch him all over a girl after he’d been with me was the last straw.

  “You don’t think he deserves another chance?” Bry asks.

  “How many do you think he needs? Since I was eighteen, he’s come crawling back to me once he’s broken up with his latest fling. He says I’m his best friend, but he sure has a shitty way of showing it.”

  “Did you even tell him how you feel?”

  “Really?” I ask in disbelief. “What good would that do?”

  It’s too late to tell him. There’s only so many times you can watch your best friend – the one you love – hook up with a girl a week after crawling out of your bed, before your heart cracks too much to repair.

  “It’d give him a chance to step up.”

  “I shouldn’t have to spell it out, though.”

  Bryson sighs as he rubs his hands over his face. “It’s Ryan we’re talkin’ about; you know what he’s like.”

  I shake my head and stand up. “He’ll never change his ways. He’s just like you. You’re stubborn and bullheaded. You’d prefer to let something good slip through your hands instead of manning up.”

  “Don’t go there, Kayla. You don’t know nothing about it.”

  “And you know nothing about Ryan and me,” I growl as I spin on the balls of my feet and walk away.

/>   I’m sick to death of every man and his dog putting their noses in my business.

  Rounding the corner, heading to the car park, I come to a halt and tears prick my eyes. Ryan’s there, and he’s got a girl pushed up against the wall. My eyes get drawn to movement under the girl’s skirt, and my heart cracks in my chest. His fingers are moving back and forth, and it’s obvious what he’s doing.

  Knowing he crawls back to me between each fling is one thing, but seeing him with a girl, is another.

  I go to yell at him, to scream or jump up and down, but no sounds come out. My voice sticks in my throat, and no words come out.

  After standing here for too long, while my heart splintered into pieces, I take a wide berth around them and decide that Ryan is dead to me.

  *

  Jolene

  AFTER BRYSON AND Makayla disappeared, I stayed at the table and thought about what they said. Eventually, I get up and make my way outside. As soon as I’m out there, I see Nathan standing in the car park next to Bryson’s truck. I walk towards him but stop a few feet away. The last thing I want to do is cause him to walk away from me again.

  Neither of us makes a move to talk but I know he knows I’m here. I wasn’t exactly quiet. After a few minutes of awkward silence, I walk around to the tailgate of Bryson’s truck and open it before hopping up and sitting down. It hasn’t made things any less awkward, but at least my feet aren’t getting sore from standing up in the ridiculously high heels I’m wearing.

  “What do you want to talk about, Jolene?” Nathan eventually asks.

  “Us.”

  “There is no us.”

  “Can you just give me a chance to talk?” I ask. When he doesn’t say anything, I keep talking. “I was wrong back in Milwaukee. I didn’t give us a chance. I was afraid, and I kept my walls up.” I swing my legs back and forth as I watch Nathan and think of the right thing to say. “The past four weeks have been hell. I’ve missed having you around.”

  Nathan sighs, and then walks over to sit next to me. “I know what you mean.”

  “Too much has happened for us to jump into a relationship, but I want to see where things go with us. If you want to, that is. I won’t keep any walls up. I won’t do anything to sabotage us, but I don’t want to force anything either.”

  “What made you change your mind?”

  I look ahead at the small park on the other side of the road. “Lots of things. I went home last week, and it gave me time to think. I talked to Bryson and Makayla tonight about it. Well, they talked to me, and I listened.”

  “Yeah, Bryson talked to me as well. It seems he can sort out everyone else’s love life but not his own.”

  “Who with?” I ask as I look at him.

  He looks to me and raises an eyebrow. “Who do you think?”

  “Casey?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why? They broke up years ago.”

  “Yes, but it doesn’t mean that there isn’t something there between them. I saw them in Kansas City. The way they looked at each other. They might want the world to think there is no future for them, but I saw the longing when they looked at each other.”

  “What do you think happened between them?” I ask.

  “Casey never talked to you about it?”

  “Nope, she just came to see me one day and said she was moving to Kansas City for a job the next day. I asked if Bryson was going with her and all she said was no before she walked away.”

  “That must have been hard.”

  We spend the rest of the night sitting on Bryson’s tailgate talking about anything and everything until Bryson comes out and says they’re going. He offers to give me a lift to my hotel on the way since I caught a cab to the bar.

  On the way there, Nathan sits in the back seat with me. When he reaches across and grabs my hand and links our fingers, I look at his face. He gives me a smile that tells me everything I need to know.

  That one smile and the small gesture of holding my hand tells me we will be okay. I can feel it. This time we are both on the same page.

  ***

  Chapter 10

  Jolene

  Nathan: Hey pretty girl, how’s your day going?

  I smile down at my cell as I read the latest text from Nathan.

  Me: Not so bad. Would be better if I was with a certain cowboy.

  Nathan: Really? What does this cowboy look like? Where does he come from? Does he treat you well?

  I laugh at his reply. For the past three weeks, we’ve spent a lot of time together even though Nathan is still traveling the circuit with Bry and Ryan. We both decided that if we want to do it right this time, we need some space. We’ve learned that we can’t be tossed in together. Yes, we get along well, and there are some significant sparks between us, but we’ve both changed since we were teenagers.

  Me: Well he is tall, handsome and has these amazing dark brown eyes. When he looks into my eyes, I get lost in them. He comes from some small town in the south of Texas. He treats me good. Apart from…

  Nathan: Apart from what?

  Me: Well, the thing is. He won’t stay with me and I’m a little worried.

  Nathan: How so?

  Me: I think he’s gay and I’m just a cover. He doesn’t want his family to know, so he dates me.

  I smile as I send the message.

  As much as I know it’s best for us to go slow and it was my idea too, tonight I want to be with him. I want to curl up on the couch in his arms and watch a movie while overeating chocolate. It’s that time of the month, and I’m missing my family more than usual.

  I wait a few minutes for Nathan to reply, but I don’t get one. Tossing my cell on the bed, I begin pulling my clothes from my suitcase and putting them in the dresser.

  My cell rings just as I’ve finished and am sitting down on the sofa with a bowl of popcorn. I rush to pick it up, spilling popcorn on the sofa and floor. “Hello,” I answer without looking who it is.

  “Hello, Jolene,” mom says.

  “Hey, Mom. How are you?”

  “Good. Just checking in as I hadn’t heard from you for a few days.”

  “Sorry, Ma. Things have been busy.” And I’m avoiding calling you today as hearing your voice makes me miss home more. I would never tell her though as she’d worry about me.

  “You sound down.”

  “I’m just tired.”

  “Where are you today?”

  “Just arrived in Nashville. I left Louisville and drove straight here.”

  “Gosh, I wish I was with you. I love Nashville. It was the place your dad took me to when we had been dating for six months.” Mom laughs which makes me smile. “He said it was for our six-month anniversary. He booked the hotel, romantic dinners each night we were there, and he even stood up on stage and sang a song to me in a karaoke bar. It was that moment I knew I’d love him forever.”

  I swallow around the lump forming in my throat. Damn, I miss mom today, especially when she talks about heartfelt things. “You there, Honey?”

  “Yeah, Mom. I love listening to you talk about you and dad when you were younger.”

  “You’re sweet,” mom says just as there’s a knock on the door.

  “Hang on a second, Ma. Someone’s knocking on the door.”

  I walk to the door, holding the popcorn in one hand and my cell in the other. I move my cell to the crook of my neck, to free up a hand and open the door. My eyes go wide, and I drop the bowl of popcorn when I see Nathan standing there.

  “Oh, my God, you’re here,” I shriek as I wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.

  “Do you blame me?”

  “Why?” I ask as I plant kisses all over his lips and chin.

  “I know you, Jolene,” he growls low in a sexy voice. “You were teasing, but I know you wanted me here,”

  My heart beats erratically as I look into his eyes. One of the things I love most about Nathan is that he’s so darn sweet and caring.

  “Thank you,” I
say as I slide down his body, back onto my feet.

  “You don’t have to thank me,” he says. He looks around us and laughs. I cock my head, wondering what he thinks is funny. “You’ve got a nice mess here.”

  I sigh as I look at the floor surrounding us. “I got a little excited.”

  “Really?” he says in a joking tone as he bends down and begins scooping up the popcorn.

  “You can’t blame me. It has been two days since I saw you last.” I reply as I pick up my cell and some popcorn. I look at the screen and see mom’s name there. “Oh, shit,” I say before I put the cell to my ear. “Mom, are you there?”

  “Yes, Jolene. Who is there? Are you okay? I was beginning to panic as I heard you squeal.”

  I look at Nathan before smiling. “Nathan’s here, Mom.” Nathan looks at me, and it’s easy to see how happy he is with my answer.

  “Nathan?”

  “Nathan Miller.” She’s silent on the other end. “We crossed paths a few times two months ago. We traveled together for a while, but now we’re… taking it slow.” I sit on the floor and lean against the wall just inside the door while Nathan continues to clean up my mess.

  “Are you happy?”

  I Don’t have to think before I answer. “Yes, I am.”

  “I’m happy for you and him. Make sure to bring him to see us next time you’re both home.”

  “We will be back home in two weeks.”

  We say goodbye, and I look back over at Nathan. “I hope you don’t mind I told her. I just...” I trail off as I look down to my hands in my lap.

  “Jo, look at me.” Our eyes lock when I look up at Nathan. “It’s fine. I don’t care who does or doesn’t know, as long as you and I are together."

  “Same here.”

  “Come on, let’s chuck this out, and we can make some more before sitting down to finish watching your movie.”

  “How do you know I have more?”

  “As I said before, I know you. You would have several packets.”