Dare to Want

by C. J. Welles

  “No, please.” I grab Nathan’s arm to stop him walking away from me, but he shrugs me off. “I gotta go,” I say to Casey before I hang up. Tossing my phone on the bed, I get up and go after Nathan. “Wait up.”

  “Jolene, don’t.”

  “It’s not what you think it is.”

  “What is it then? Why couldn’t you tell your sister that you are with me?”

  I open my mouth to speak but close it without saying anything. Nathan shakes his head before turning and grabbing his jacket from the back of the sofa. He walks to the door and opens it but pauses before walking out. “Don’t wait up,” he says then walks out and slams the door behind him.

  I stand there wondering what the hell just happened and why my chest hurts. I know nothing serious was going on between us, but I feel like whatever we did have just broke.

  It feels like I’ve just lost one of my best friends.

  I just let him walk away from me without trying to stop him.

  *

  Nathan

  “NOT INTERESTED,” I say for the fifth time.

  “Are you going to look at me before you turn me down?”

  “I don’t need to,” I reply as I take a swig of my Jack and cola.

  The bar stool beside me scrapes along the floor then someone sits next to me. “What’s got you down cowboy?”

  I finally look to my left and find a brunette wearing a black dress that doesn’t cover enough. Her tits are poking out the top, and I can nearly see her panty line.

  “Nothing that you can fix.”

  “Right. Well, have a good night.” I look back down to my beer after she walks away.

  “What about me?” I keep my gaze down as Jolene makes herself comfortable next to me. “Can I sit here?”

  I push my stool away from the bar and stand up. “It’s a free country, Jolene and I’m no one, you do whatever you want to do.” I begin to walk away but stop when she grabs my wrist.

  “I didn’t mean it.”

  I close my eyes and tip my head up to the ceiling, trying to calm myself before I talk.

  “Look, I get it. Casey was there six years ago. I understand you’d be embarrassed to tell her you were with me after all these years.”

  “That’s not it at all.”

  “What is it then? And this time can you answer me?”

  She looks at the people around us then grabs her purse from the bar. I let her hold my hand as we walk out to the car park. She continues to walk until we reach her truck where she releases my hand and leans against the tailgate.

  “What is going on between us?” she asks.

  I stare at her blankly as I wait for her to answer her own question. I sure as hell don’t know what is going on between us and can’t answer her.

  “That’s why I don’t want to tell Casey about us and what is or isn’t going on. If I tell her we’ve been traveling and staying together she will ask me why. She’ll want to know what we are. If there is more to us or if there could be. And I… I don’t know. I don’t know how to answer those questions.”

  “Alright.”

  “Alright?” she questions as she takes two steps towards me.

  “Yeah, I get why you didn’t tell her.”

  “Do you…” She sighs loudly. “Do you think anything will happen between us?”

  “I think you’re the one who needs to answer that, Jolene.”

  “Why?”

  I slowly walk towards her until she’s backed up, leaning against her tailgate. “I’ve dropped enough hints. I’ve pursued you, offered to travel with you, stayed with you. Fuck, I’ve even tried to tempt you by walking around after a shower with just a towel on, and you’ve kept a wall up. There’s not much more I can do apart from telling you I love you, for you to realize what I feel for you and what I want.”

  “Huh?”

  I shake my head and take a step away from her. “Oh, God, Jolene. Sometimes you remind me of the shy fifteen-year-old I met at Bryson’s party. Even the quiet girl who went on a road trip to Mobile.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “I loved you back then. That’s why I reacted as I did.”

  *

  Jolene

  HE LOVED ME?

  I didn’t know that. Why didn't I know that? Why didn't he tell me?

  “You loved me?” I ask.

  He can’t have loved me. He never said anything, and if he did, he wouldn’t have slept with all those girls before me, and he wouldn’t have been with that girl only nights after me.

  He said he loved me. Does that mean he now doesn’t?

  “Fuck, Jolene, of course, I did.”

  “You did?”

  “Are you just going to keep questioning everything I say?”

  “No, I just… You said you did. Does that mean you now don’t?”

  “That’s the only thing out of everything I said that you’re worried about.”

  “No.”

  He grabs my face with both hands and brings his lips down to my ear. “I love you Jolene, but you need to be the one who makes the next move. You are the one who is keeping walls up between us.” He steps away from me then drops his hands to his sides. “I’m going back to our room, I’ll see you there.”

  I watch as he walks past me and then down the road towards our hotel. I keep watching until he’s out of my sight before I get in my car. I sit in there for half an hour thinking about everything we’ve said and done. The way everything went down six years ago; a few weeks back when we saw each other in Kansas City and the shock I felt to be standing in front of him. The things we both said when we were in Austin. But mostly, I think of us before the road trip.

  I think about everything I have forgotten. All the memories I have pushed out of my head because it hurt too much to think of Nathan.

  We used to spend most of our time together. Nathan was one of my best friends who I talked to about everything. When I got accepted into university, Nathan was the first person I told. He held me when I cried happy tears then took me to the diner for a celebration dinner. When mom told me that she was pregnant with Lexi, I rode straight over to Nathan’s house and shared the news with him first. When Nathan’s pop died, I was the person who he sought comfort from. We laid in my bed cuddled together as he held back his tears and I cried for him.

  I want to go back to what we were, but if we move forward into a relationship, I’m scared it will all stuff up again.

  Starting my car, I drive the few blocks to the hotel. After handing my keys to the valet, I take the stairs to our room and take a deep breath before opening the door.

  When I walk through the doorway, I find Nathan sitting on the edge of the sofa with his head in his hands. He looks up as I close the door behind me.

  “Hey,” I say as I sit on the coffee table in front of him. I look down at my hands as I play with the zipper on my jacket. “So, I was thinking, well more remembering. Can you remember what it was like before we fell apart?”

  I look up from my hands to his face when he clears his throat. “Yeah, Jolene.”

  I give him a small smile which he returns. “We were so close.”

  “I know.”

  “I was as close to you as I was Casey. You knew everything about me.” Well, nearly everything. I shuffle forward on the coffee table and place my hands on his thighs. “I don’t want to lose what we’re rebuilding.”

  “You won’t,” he says as he moves his hands to link them with mine.

  “How do you know that?” I ask as I look down at our linked fingers. “I’m worried that if we move forward, we will ruin our friendship. I’m also scared that I’m going to get hurt again.”

  “Things are different this time. No one is going to get hurt.”

  Removing my hands from his, I stand up and walk around to the other side of the coffee table, putting space between us. “How do you know?”

  “Because we are older this time. We are mature now. I’m not a hothead like I used to be.”
/>   “I know that. But still, you can’t guarantee everything will be fine.”

  Nathan stands up and roughly runs his hands through his hair. “You’re not even going to give us a chance?” He looks at me, waiting for me to answer.

  “I just can’t. I need-”

  “Don’t. Just don’t, Jolene.” He walks around the sofa towards his bedroom. “I’ll see you in the mornin’.”

  Once again, I let him walk away without stopping him.

  ***

  Chapter 8

  Nathan

  “OH, LOOK WHAT the cat dragged in,” Ryan calls out as I walk into the gym at five o’clock the next morning.

  “You look like shit,” Bryson says as I make my way over to the boxing bag where he’s training.

  “Thanks, that’s just what I need to hear,” I mumble.

  I know I look like shit and I feel like shit too. After no sleep and tossing and turning all night, it’s inevitable that I look like I’ve been run over by a herd of cattle.

  “How’s Jolene?” Bryson asks.

  “Yeah, alright,” I reply with a shrug of my shoulders.

  “Just alright?” he asks, and I nod. “I thought you two would be together by now and sickly in love.”

  I don’t comment as I pick up a pair of boxing gloves and put them on. “You want to spar?” Bry asks when he sees the gloves.

  “Yeah.”

  “Things are that bad?”

  “Two rules,” I say as I walk onto the padded mats in the middle of the room. “Number one, no talking and number two, repeat number one.”

  Bryson laughs as he stands opposite me with his hands up and ready to go.

  “Oh, this is going to be fun,” Ryan says from the edge of the mat.

  *

  “MORNING,” JOLENE SAYS when I walk back into our hotel room. “You were out and about early.”

  “Morning,” I reply as I get a bottle of water from the bar fridge in the corner of the room. I down half of it and put it back in the refrigerator before making my way to the bathroom. I toss my t-shirt onto the floor then turn the water on and let it warm up.

  “Where did you go?” I turn around when I hear Jolene from the open doorway.

  “Just training with Bryson.”

  “How is he?”

  “Good.”

  “That’s good.”

  I wait for her to leave so I can get into the shower, but she stays standing there. After a minute, I give up on waiting and strip down to nothing before getting under the hot spray. I hear her let out a little squeak and smile to myself. Moments later I hear a click as the bathroom door close, and I begin to shower.

  I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided I was going to fight for what I wanted. I should know by now that Jolene isn’t a pushover. If she doesn’t want more with us, there won’t be more happening. If that’s the case, I need to take a step back because I can’t spend every day with her and pretend I don’t want more. That I don’t love her and that it’s killing me being with her but not with her.

  By the time I’ve finished my shower, I know what I need to do. It’s going to be hard, but it has to happen.

  *

  Jolene

  NATHAN IS QUIET when he gets out of the shower. I still can’t believe he just stripped down in front of me. He didn’t flinch even though he knew I saw everything.

  I stay lying on the couch with my arm placed over my eyes as I listen to Nathan moving around. I have a headache developing from lack of sleep last night. I just want to curl up and go to sleep, but I know Nathan, and I need to talk first.

  After ten minutes of listening to him rustling around in his bag, I get up and slowly walk to his room. Just as I reach the door, I hear him zipping up his bag. Looking around his room, I see that it’s spotless. Too spotless.

  None of his things are lying around, and his bag is looking full.

  “What are you doing?” He pauses from zipping up the side pocket, but he doesn’t turn to face me. “Nathan?” I question when he doesn’t answer.

  “Don’t make this harder, Jolene.”

  “What? Make what harder?” I look at him, how his body is tense, but his shoulders are slumped.

  I freeze.

  I hold my breath.

  My heart feels like its slowing down.

  The ticking of the clock on the wall slowly fades away.

  It feels like time is slowing.

  He’s leaving.

  He is leaving, and he didn’t tell me.

  I feel like I’ll be stuck at this moment forever. The moment where Nathan walked away from me for the last time.

  He did it six years ago and didn’t look back, why would he now?

  I stay frozen as Nathan turns to face me.

  “I need space,” I hear him say, but he sounds like he’s miles away. There is a thumping in my head that is slowly getting faster, blocking out his words.

  Or maybe it’s just me not wanting to hear them.

  “Why?” I whisper.

  “You know why.”

  I shake my head, trying to eliminate the thumping noise and take a step forward. “No, no I don’t know why. I thought things were going well. I know we argued last night, but you can’t leave me.”

  Nathan's cell rings, and he looks down at it then picks up his bag. “This is for the best, Jolene. We won’t figure anything out if we are with each other all the time.”

  “What’s to figure out? And we can’t work out anything if you’re not here.”

  He takes several steps towards me until he’s in front of me. I stand still as he lowers his lips to my forehead. After a long lingering kiss, he steps past me. “I have to go.”

  I don’t turn around this time.

  I can’t watch him walking away this time.

  ***

  Chapter 9

  Jolene

  THE NEXT FOUR weeks go by slowly. Nathan and I both try our hardest not to cross paths. I found that out when I saw him duck into a cleaning closet when we were heading towards each other in the hallway at one of the many hotels I’ve stayed in.

  After that, I left my car in Cincinnati for a week while I flew back home. I wanted to come home, anyway, for Lexi’s school play. It was just the right timing as I needed some time away from the circuit and away from Nathan so that I could clear my head.

  I had hoped Casey would be there as I wanted to talk to my big sister about it, even though I think it would be hard for her because of her and Bryson. She would though because we are there for each other when the other one needs it.

  “Jolene? I thought that was you.” I turn to see Makayla and a guy sitting in the seats behind me. “How are you?”

  “I’m good. How are you?”

  “Yeah, I’m great. What are you doing here?”

  “I follow the rodeo circuit most of the time and write articles about it.”

  “I didn’t know that. That would be a great job. You’d get to see all those different cities and get paid for it.”

  “It’s fun but tiring.”

  I glance from Makayla to the guy with her. I don't recognize him as anyone who we used to hang around with when we were younger.

  Makayla must see me eyeing him because she smiles at me before introducing him. “This is Jeremy. He works at Joe’s bar back home.”

  “Hey,” he says as he holds out his hand and I shake it.

  “I’m also Makayla’s boyfriend,” he says.

  We talk for a while longer. Makayla tells me how they met, where Jeremy comes from; that he and his brother moved to Maddison from Austin six months ago. Makayla fills me in on what she’s doing these days for work and that she’s still living with her parents.

  Ten minutes later the crowd begins to cheer as the first steer wrestling begins. Usually, I don’t get to the rodeo’s until halfway through in time to watch the bronc and bull riding, but I had nothing to do today so decided to come earlier.

  Steer wrestling is fun to watch but goes quicker.
If done correctly it’s over in under five seconds. It’s not any less dangerous though. You’re still out there throwing yourself around a ring with animals.

  An hour later, the steer wrestling, barrel riding, and team roping have finished. I hear Makayla squeal from behind me at the same time the crowd begins cheering.

  “You all know his brother, Bryson. He’s the hotshot favorite tonight. But first, we give you Nathan who is going to take on our first bronc. If he’s anything like his brother, he’ll go into that ring and show the horse who’s boss. Put your hands together for Nathan Miller.”

  My jaw drops, and my eyes go wide as I see Nathan standing on the rung of the chute about to lower down onto the bronc. What the hell is he doing? Does he have a death wish?

  I stand up and drop my camera onto my seat behind me. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m pushing past people in my row as I make my way to the aisle. My eyes don’t leave Nathan as I make my way to the front of the stands.

  I watch as Nathan nods to Ryan who is leaning over the chute and talking to him. Ryan nods back then only seconds later the gate opens. I hold my breath as I watch the bronc buck out into the ring.

  The next eight seconds feel like the longest eight seconds of my life. I watch, frozen to the spot, as Nathan moves with the bronc. He looks calm and in control, unlike my heart that is beating out of my chest.

  As the buzzer sounds after eight seconds, Nathan jumps off and runs towards the exit. The rodeo clowns corner the bronc and lead it out of the ring before the announcer introduces the next rider.

  I stand there the whole time with my heart in my throat. I know Nathan's safe, but I still can’t get my body to move. I’ve never felt as scared in my life as I did when I saw Nathan on that bronc.

  Minutes later Makayla taps me on the shoulder. “We’re going to Bryson’s trailer to congratulate Nathan and see Bryson before his ride. Do you want to come?”

  “Ah, no. I have to watch the rides so that I can get some good pictures for my story.”

  “Okay, you’ll want this then. I picked it up when we left our seats. I didn’t want anyone to take your things." She hands me my purse and camera in its bag.