Besieged

by L. P. Lovell

  I can't get past this hole of self-pity, and so I wallow and give in to the misery. By midday I can't take it anymore, and so I start drinking again. This is the pattern of my life for the next two days. At times I miss her painfully, at others I hate her for making me this pathetic, but no matter what I always want her.

  On day three I wake up to someone shaking me hard. "Theo!"

  "What?" I groan. I lift my head from the sofa to see Hugo standing there. I haven't been back to my bed since Lilly left, it smells of her, even after the sheets were changed and I can’t stomach it.

  "Mate, what the fuck happened to you?" He frowns at me.

  "I got drunk." I state matter of factly.

  "I can see that but why?"

  "Because I felt like it." I sit up and rub my face.

  "No shit, but on a Tuesday night, and on your own?" He folds his arms across his chest. “Do I need to book you into rehab? There are better ways to become famous.”

  "Why are you here?" I change the subject.

  "Maria called me. She said she came to drop off some food shopping this morning and you were unconscious on the sofa, stinking of whisky." He raises an eyebrow at me.

  "Well you've seen it for yourself now. Take a picture." I mock. I get up and head toward the kitchen. "Coffee?" I ask as I switch on the coffee machine.

  "Please." He eyes me warily. “So dare I ask why you're like this?"

  I shrug. "I'm just having a rough couple of days."

  "Theo, this is not just a rough couple of days. What's going on?" I don't feel like revealing my problems to Hugo. He's a good friend but he won't understand this.

  "You won't understand this Hugo."

  "Ah, shit. Is it Lilly?" I avert my gaze away from him. "I'll take your silence as a yes."

  "Like I said you won't understand." I mumble.

  "Look, whatever's going on, I can see that she's different. She's your exception. I can understand that much." The sincerity in his eyes surprises me. "She makes you happy."

  "We're done. She said she can't do this anymore." I take a deep breath.

  "I thought you guys were just Fuck buddies?"

  "Yeah we were, but to be honest it's kind of complicated. This outcome was...'inevitable'" I pour out two cups of coffee.

  "So why the 'just sex' arrangement?" He looks genuinely confused.

  "She's the one who stipulated a no strings situation." I explain.

  He raises his eyebrows. “Wow. But now she wants out?"

  I shrug. "Apparently so."

  He's silent for a long time. "Theo, I've seen you two together and she’s clearly into you dude. If she's the no strings kind of girl then that's probably got her panicking. She's probably just freaked out." I think carefully as he speaks. It sounds plausible.

  "She's doing exactly what I would normally do." I laugh and put my head in my hands, desperately trying to process these new possibilities.

  "Mmm hmm, and me. So do you like… want to be with her?"

  "Yes." I answer without hesitation.

  "Man you suck. Then you need to tell her. You don’t want regrets in life." He stands and places a hand on my shoulder. I nod. I'm just not sure I can let her break me all over again when she turns me down.

  "Thanks, you’ve actually been helpful." I smile.

  He laughs. "Bet you never thought you'd be saying that to me."

  I laugh with him. "True."

  The next week is the same pain filled pity party as the first few days. If this is what being in love is all about then I want nothing to do with it. I start to think that Lilly Parker is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, I was happy just blindly avoiding love and fucking my way through life until she came along, and now I’m reduced to this pathetic miserable mess.

  Even as I attempt to convince myself and try desperately to hate her, I can't. I'm in love with her, no matter how much I don't want to be and the loss of her is what's killing me. I just want the pain to stop. I haven't had a drink since the day when Hugo came around, but that doesn't mean I don't want to. The weekend was quiet, none of the usual parties.

  I've thrown myself into work as a distraction. I'm aiming to go to Rome in a few weeks, I need to get away from London and sort myself the fuck out. I would just up and leave now, but there are some big deals going on here in London at the moment, I’m still thinking rationally enough to know that I can't fuck all of that up for a girl, no matter who she is or how messed up my head is. Oh god, I’ve turned into such a fucking pussy, I think I just need putting down.

  The following week seems to drag, I can't find enthusiasm for anything. The Media Inc. deal has all been finalised. Walker comes to the offices for the final sign over of papers, it's a difficult meeting, he's probably heard the rumours by now, seen the papers and the pictures. After signing the papers he stands to leave.

  "I'm guessing you've heard..." I start. I don't know why I’m talking to him about this. I don't have to explain myself. "I just...I hope Lilly isn't in any trouble because of it, it was completely my fault..."

  He frowns. "She's not. I've managed to convince the partners that it was a passing infatuation. I know better, but I think that Lilly's suffering more than enough without getting a bollocking, and judging by the state of you, so are you." He nods before turning and leaving.

  The mention of her and the idea of her suffering in any way has a lump forming in my throat. I don't want her to hurt over this. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. It confuses me, because she has the power to end this, she would rather suffer this than be with me, and so the scab is ripped from the wound. I don't know why I brought it up. I guess the idea of her losing her job over me would be too much. I would have threatened to drop the firm if they had, perhaps that’s why it’s been allowed to slide, fear of provoking a reaction.

  Come the weekend I’ve managed to control my emotions, control the pain. Now I’m just numb, I keep myself in a constant state of nothing. I feel nothing. The numbness becomes like a comforting blanket, the second it starts to slip I quickly make sure it's back in place, warding off all feeling.

  Saturday night, I’m sat staring at the TV, but not actually watching anything when the doorbell goes.

  I open the front door to see Hugo stood on the doorstep with a frown on his face.

  "Mate, you look like shit."

  "Thanks, so I’ve been told." I mutter.

  "Well, you need to shower and shave because we're going out tonight. “He smiles broadly.

  I shake my head. "I don't feel like going out Hugo."

  "Well you know what, I don't care. All you do is stay locked up in this house. You need to get back out there. Get over it." He slaps my shoulder, there's nothing I’d love more than to be 'over it'.

  I sigh. Maybe just one night to pretend that everything is fine, even try to go back to the way I used to be. "Okay."

  "Okay? You're not arguing with me?" I shake my head. "And there was me, all prepared to bind and gag you if I had to." He laughs. "You need to shower and shave though, cause mate, you look like a homeless person." He grabs my shoulder and looks me in the eye. "Dude, you're a millionaire. You need to get your swag on." I roll my eyes at him.

  "Give me half an hour."

  We roar through the streets of London in Hugo's Lambo. It's a warm night and Hugo has the roof down, which I find a bit unnecessary.

  "Dude, this way the chicks can actually see us. I mean I’m a good looking fucker, but with you here it'll be like something out of a lynx advert. We'll be fighting them off my paint work." He laughs. I smile at Hugo, he never changes and I find the familiarity of it grounding. Almost as though I can pretend the last two months never happened. It's just Hugo and I out on a normal Saturday night.

  We pull up outside poison. Hugo revs the monstrous engine causing everyone queuing to turn and look at the obnoxious bright orange Lambo and the tool driving it. He parks the car right outside the club on double yellow lines and pops the roof up before getting out. All eyes
are on us as we approach the door. Hugo's looking his usual self in black jeans and a smart white shirt with a waist coat over the top. He winks at almost every woman he comes across.

  I stroll in behind him in jeans and a plain black T-shirt, having made decidedly less effort.

  Being a Saturday night, the club is rammed. The queue at the bar is at least five people deep. The dance floor is packed and the temperature inside must be a good fifteen degrees warmer than outside.

  Hugo heads upstairs to the VIP section. We don't even stop and speak to the bouncer on the door. We're well known in here for spending a lot of money, what with Hugo buying drinks for anything female, I'm pretty sure he keeps this place in business.

  The bar is busy in here but nowhere near as packed as downstairs, it doesn't take long for us to get served.

  "What you drinking?" He turns to me, dragging his eyes form the very busty barmaid.

  This is going to be a tough night I think. "Tequila, lots and lots of Tequila."

  "That's the spirit." He slaps be on the back.

  "Ten tequila shots please and two Corona's." She smiles flirtatiously at him.

  When the shot glasses are lined up and filled Hugo hands over some cash before turning to me. "Right, my mission tonight is to get you so wasted you won't remember your own name, let alone Lilly's." The sound of her name has myself induced aesthetic quickly fading. I pick up the first shot and slam it, followed by the next and then the next until I’ve done seven tequila shots. Hugo does the other three.

  "I'm going to be hammered in about ten minutes, and you will be in about half an hour..." I eye him sternly. "If I find out you drove me home pissed in that fucking car of yours I’m going to kick your arse. Okay?"

  He laughs loudly. "It's alright. I intend to pack you off with some girl by the end of the night." The idea of sleeping with another girl repulses me, but then at least Lilly won’t be the last place I stuck my dick. Maybe it will help. I'll cross that bridge when I get there I guess.

  The tequila kicks in faster than I thought it would and I find myself actually having quite a good time. Everything is numb, beautifully, blissfully numb. There's a blonde woman sat beside me, I look down to see her hand on my thigh. I look back up at her frowning. Where did she come from? She's speaking, but my mind is working in super slow motion and I can't keep up with what she's saying.

  She grabs my face making me focus on her. She's pretty. She has green eyes, not as bright as Lilly's but similar. “Do you want to dance?" She asks.

  I nod my head. She grabs my hand pulling me from the sofa. She's wearing a green dress that matches her eyes. Hugo's waiting for us with another girl, his arm thrown around her neck. We all head down the stairs to the dance floor. I wrap my arm around the blonde girl’s waist and grip the railing with the other hand to avoid falling down the stairs. My head feels heavy, too heavy.

  "My name's Cassie by the way." She shouts over the music.

  "Theo."

  "Oh, I know." I must have introduced myself earlier I guess.

  The dance floor is hot with bodies all packed together. I'm too drunk to dance, so I just stand there while Cassie pretty much uses me like a pole.

  Suddenly she grabs my face and she presses her lips to mine. Guilt niggles at the back of my mind. I don't want to kiss her, she's not Lilly. But Lilly's gone and she doesn't want you. I'm stuck between pining for her and hating that I’m pining for her. The alcohol happily numbs my system enough for me not to over think the action and so I fist my fingers into her hair and I pretend she's Lilly. I press my tongue into her mouth and I suck on her bottom lip. She moans against my lips, making me pull her closer. God how I’ve missed her lips. She pulls away and grabs my hand, dragging me through the crowded dance floor, I stagger after her.

  The next thing I know I’m in a toilet cubicle and I’m being pushed back to sit on the closed loo seat. I squint up at her as she pulls her underwear down her legs. I look down and realise that my jeans and boxers are round my ankles. Holy shit, she wants to fuck me in a club toilet. Before my mind can object she straddles me and lowers herself over my miraculously erect cock, god knows how that happened with this much tequila in me. I look up into her eyes, green eyes I think to myself. So beautiful. She kisses me hard again whilst she rides me. I love it when she rides me like this, like she owns me. It's been so long that within minutes I come inside her. "Oh god Lilly." I cry as my orgasm rips through me.

  She kisses my lips quickly once more. "I can be whoever you want me to be sweetheart." She whispers before climbing off of me. What the hell?

  She opens the door and leaves me there.

  When I eventually manage to stagger out of the cubicle I’m greeted with a group of giggling women. I salute them, causing them to laugh, and leave the toilets. Everything is spinning, I can't focus on anything.

  "Theo?...Theo?" I turn toward the sound, it's Hugo. He's frowning at me. "Where did you go?"

  "With Lilly." I slur.

  "Oh, yeah. I thought you might bump into her. I came to warn you." What is he on about, he was with me earlier.

  I frown at him. "I need air." Without waiting for a response I turn and head towards the doors, but spot a fire exit on the way there and head for that instead. I push on the handle and find myself in a dimly lit alleyway. I sit on the floor with my back against the wall and put my head between my knees trying to stop the spinning. I don't know how long I’m there but eventually I hear footsteps approach.

  "Well, well, look what we have here, someone's had too much to drink." The rough Cockney voice is not one I recognise.

  I look up and see two men standing in the alleyway looking down at me.

  "Give us your wallet and your phone." He demands. I look at him in disbelief.

  "Seriously, you're mugging me?" I ask.

  He laughs. "Looks like it pretty boy. Hand them over and I won't have to smash up that nice face of yours." I laugh, I don't know why, but I laugh.

  "If that's how you want to play it." He takes a step toward me, but stops when someone steps through the exit into the alley.

  "What's going on here?" She demands, her voice is so warming that I smile, until I realise that she's in danger. I stagger to my feet ready to kill the fuckers if they go near her.

  "Hello sweetheart. You're a pretty one. I won't be a moment." He smiles before taking another step toward me.

  "Don't you dare take another step." Her voice is low, the threat clear. What the hell is she doing?!

  He turns to her smiling and then stalks toward her. She doesn't move. She looks so small and delicate, stood there in her little black dress and her heels. He walks right up to her and grabs her hair, wrenching her head to the side. He runs his tongue up her exposed neck. His friend laughs. I stagger to get to her.

  "Big mistake buddy." She says before quickly bringing her knee up to his crotch with blinding speed, he doubles over gasping for air. She grabs the back of his head and brings her knee up again, smashing his face into it. Blood explodes everywhere. He cries out clutching his face.

  The second guy storms toward her grabbing her wrist and twisting it, she cries out. Anger surges through me at the sight of him touching her. I swing and punch him in the jaw. I don't even see the return punch coming and I don't feel it. It only serves to feed the red mist that’s now descending, before I can take another swing at him, Lilly thrusts the heel of her hand at his throat, making him cough and stagger back. She quickly repeats the movement, this time breaking his nose.

  Two bouncers burst through the fire exit, taking in the scene.

  "Holy shit." They look at me leaning against the wall with blood running down my lip. The two guys both clutching their faces on the floor. "Did you do this?" They ask me, I shake my head and indicate toward Lilly. "They were trying to mug me." I laugh.

  Lilly glares at me from across the alley. Her chest and neck are spattered in blood, as is her right knee. "Are you okay?" One of the bouncers asks her with wide eyes.


  She nods her head once. "It's not my blood."

  "Damn girl, do you want a job?" The second bouncer asks laughing, seeming to appraise her differently.

  She smiles. "I'm good thanks."

  She turns and walks back through the door and I push off the wall to follow her. "Lilly wait." The fight outside has sobered me up somewhat.

  I grab her elbow and she turns around to face me, her jaw is set in a determined stance. "What Theo?"

  "I...thank you." People are staring at us both covered in blood, god knows what we must look like.

  "Yeah well, the next time you decide to get stupidly drunk, don't go wondering off on your own in the dark. You're asking for trouble." Anger rolls off of her in waves.

  "Lilly I..." I have to tell her, right now, at least then I can live my life without regret right? "Lilly I love you." I blurt. Her face goes pale before her expression softens. She reaches up and wipes away the tear I hadn’t realised was streaming down my cheek. I close my eyes, wanting to make this moment last just a little longer.

  "If you knew me, you wouldn’t.” She whispers.

  “I know you.” I whisper. “I love you.”

  “I'm sorry Theo...I can't." She turns away, but not before I see her face crumple. As I watch her walk away the tears freely stream down my face.

  No, I think I’d rather live in regret, not knowing that she doesn't feel the same way. It’s official. I’m a pussy.

  Chapter 16 – Lilly

  I'm sitting on the sofa with an ice pack on my knee when Molly walks in and slaps a newspaper down in front of me, stabbing at the page with her finger. "Have you seen this?" She asks coldly.

  There are two pictures on the page, one is of me leaving Poison on Saturday night spattered in blood, looking like something out of a horror film. The second is of Theo leaving with blood trickling down his lip, holding an ice pack to his jaw. The article speculates whether London’s former most eligible has bitten off more than he can chew and is suffering some form of domestic abuse at the hands of his new 'feisty red head'. I roll my eyes and push the paper away. Seriously? The whole thing is ridiculous. People put two and two together and came up with that?!