Kiss and Cry

by Ramona Lipson

  “Fuck, don’t tell me HE’S GAY? What a travesty!”

  “No, he’s focussed on his goals; which are good grades and winning an Olympic medal.”

  “So what’s wrong with that?”

  “He doesn’t want me dating Adam.”

  “Hm yum, he’s an Alpha Orgasm, they’re the best kind,” she said giddily. “Maybe he likes you! Weren’t you going to break up with Adam when you went back to skating anyway?”

  “No! I’m falling for him.”

  “Get the fuck out! What the fuck do you see in him? Ryan’s WAY better looking. Did Adam pop your cherry or something? There has to be something you’re not telling me,” She eyed me suspiciously.

  “No, there isn’t! Seriously what should I do?”

  “Well, what was Ryan saying to you when I interrupted?”

  “He was giving me an ultimatum. I have to choose between skating with him or being Adam’s girlfriend. He doesn’t think I can have ‘divided loyalties,’. He said my decisions don’t just affect me anymore, they impact both of us.”

  “It’s a no brainer, Dalia. Ryan isn’t giving you a choice. You need to break up with Adam. You have too much riding on this partnership. He fucked up his hair anyway. You’ll get over him,” she minimized. Deep down I knew she was right. I didn’t have a choice this was a no brainer.

  I pulled my phone out and started texting Adam. Tara read what I was typing:

  Dalia: Can we talk?

  Adam: When?

  Dalia: After school.

  Adam: Sure, Meet me @ my car. I’ll drive U home.

  “Are you breaking up with him tonight?” she asked.

  “Why prolong the inevitable?”

  “You’re making the right choice,” she reassured. “You are such a talented skater, it would be horrible if all those years were wasted.”

  “Tara, I swear, I hate Ryan more now, than I ever did. It will be a miracle if I don’t kill him before we ever make it to the Podium.”

  “You don’t hate him, you’re just upset. You better get your ass to class. You have way too much drama floating around you lately!”

  “Whatever!”

  After my last class I went to go meet Adam at his Mustang. He was there, already waiting for me. The Mercedes was gone. I opened the passenger door and got in. Adam put the key in the ignition and started driving. He didn’t stop until he pulled into a park by the lake.

  Adam turned his car off and lit a cigarette. He opened the window and took a long drag before exhaling the smoke. Cold air began filling the car mixing with the fumes of his cigarette. It was starting to snow big snowflakes. I watched them for a minute before returning my attention back to him. “This is when you break up with me,” he said bitterly. My silence was his answer. He took a few more puffs before safely putting it out.

  “I’m sorry Adam.” I pulled him over to me by the scruff of his neck and I pressed my lips hard against his. My kisses were hungry, hungry for him. “This is so hard for me,” I confessed between them.

  He pulled away for a second and looked into my eyes, “Then don’t do it,” he pleaded. His eyes were searching mine and showing a hint of fresh tears. It broke my heart seeing him weak.

  “I have to,” I whispered.

  Adam was my rock during one of the lowest time in my life. My relationship with him made the idea of me never skating again a little more bearable, and this was my repayment to him. He deserved more from me.

  “Let’s take this into the backseat,” I suggested.

  He didn’t answer me, instead he started up his car and began driving in the direction of his house. There were no cars in the driveway so we parked and headed up to his room, “My parents won’t be home until late,” he informed me.

  We closed the door to his room and he backed me against his bed until I could feel it behind my legs. “I never wanted our first time together to be our last,” he said miserably. Tears started running down our cheeks as he made love to me, for the first and last time.

  Misery Loves Company

  I kept my part of our pinkie promise:

  Dalia: Tara R U there?

  Tara: Of course, my phone is surgically attached 2 my ear! Why R’nt U skating?

  Dalia: I haven’t seen Ryan since he gave me the ultimatum.

  Tara: Did U break up with Adam?

  Dalia: Yes.

  Tara: How did it go?

  Dalia: Devastated.

  Tara: Him or U?

  Dalia: Both, I need 2 talk.

  Tara: Sure but Sierra’s over, she’s having troubles with Jeremy.

  Dalia: I’ll come over.

  I left my house hastily calling out that I was going over to Tara’s not even explaining why I wasn’t training tonight. Dad was the only one home and with a little luck he wouldn’t remember my schedule anyway. I didn’t know where mom was, I assumed shopping. I closed the door behind me to find Tara’s car parked in the driveway, and my mother pulling in.

  Mom got out of her car and held her hand up, “Not so fast Dalia! Would you like to explain to me this little secret you’ve been keeping from me about a boyfriend at school? Mrs. Kennedy was in a right state.”

  “I can’t, not right now mom, Tara’s waiting for me. We have a project coming due tomorrow.” I got into the passenger side backseat slamming the door behind me and quickly ordered Tara to, “Drive!”

  She started the car and backed out immediately, “I take it your mom knows something?”

  “She found out I had a boyfriend.”

  Tara did an exaggerated whistle, “Oh boy, the shit’s going to hit the fan when you get home.”

  “My whole fucking world is caving in,” I complained melodramatically.

  “Mine too,” Sierra chimed in.

  “What’s going on with you and Jeremy?” I asked.

  “What’s not going on? Lets just say he wants to try everything and everyone!”

  “She caught him kissing Harper at the mall,” Tara elaborated anti-climactically.

  “Tara’s kept me up to speed about Ryan and Adam. Wow, You’ve gone from nothing to getting it on!”

  “You don’t know the half of it Sierra,” I commented. “Tara, I changed my mind, I don’t want to go back to your place, I need comfort food.”

  “Agreed!” said Sierra.

  “Memphis Barbecue in Winona?”

  “Perfect!”

  We chose a small table for four instead of their long benches and sat close to the kitchen. We ordered the most amazing shakes with fries smothered in: sour cream, green onions and cheddar cheese.

  “It’s been so long since we’ve talked Sierra, I’m sorry.” I was forever apologizing to my BFF’s for the lack of attention I paid them.

  “Oh you don’t have worry about it,” she reassured. “I know your back skating now.”

  “Thanks, When did you catch Harper kissing Jeremy?”

  “Like an hour ago, I can’t believe it, I’m still in shock.”

  “What did you do?”

  “The only thing I could think of doing at the time!”

  She had me on the edge of my seat, “Which was?”

  “I filmed them and posted it on Facebook.”

  “Get out! So then what happened?”

  “All my friends began clicking ‘Like,’” she whaled.

  Tara shook her head disapprovingly, “You had to have known that was going to happen! You made Jeremy look like a stud on social media.”

  “And Harper a slut,” I added. “He’s not worth it Sierra, you’re too good for him,” I said honestly.

  Our fries and shakes came to the table.

  “What happened with you?” Sierra asked.

  “Adam knew about my pair skating but I guess he didn’t think he had anything to worry about until he saw Ryan.”

  Sierra looked at Tara to elaborate, “He’s so unimaginably gorgeous, I’ve nicknamed him Orgasm!”

  “Oh my,” Sierra responded.

  Tara continued, “He�
�s the new guy in school. You must have noticed him by now!”

  “The guy with the wispy longish hair and dark dreamy eyes? That’s YOUR parter? You just want to touch his body it’s so perfect? Oh Fuck! Some people have all the luck!”

  Tara shook her head again, “She hasn’t been that lucky, first of all he doesn’t do relationships because he’s too busy with school and skating and second of all when he found out about Adam he forced her to break up with him.”

  “He can’t do that! Nobody can force you to break up with someone.” Sierra turned to me.

  “He can and he did,” I told her. “He doesn’t want my personal life affecting our skating career. He threatened to stop skating with me if I continue seeing him.” I looked over at Tara, “He must have told his mother who spoke to mine because when you guys picked me up, she was furious and said she knew about me having a boyfriend. I definitely didn’t tell her.”

  Now Tara and Sierra were gripped to the edges of their seats, “So then what happened.”

  “I broke up with Adam in his car and then we went back to his place.”

  Tara nudged me, “And?”

  “I gave him my virginity on a silver platter.” Tara choked on her french fry and Sierra gasped.

  “Oh.My.God! You’re first devirgination was break-up sex?” Tara exclaimed before clarifying,“So you are you broken up?”

  “Yes, but ever since my first kiss, I had to have him.”

  “That’s so sad,” Sierra said.

  “That’s horrible,” Tara agreed. My eyes filled with tears but I refused to let one drop.

  “Did you use protection?” Sierra asked.

  “No, I wasn’t planning on doing it with him,” I explained.

  “Does Ryan know what you did?” Tara asked.

  “Not yet, I hate him so much for what he forced me to do, I don’t even want to look at him right now.” That was when the floodgates holding back my tears finally burst open. I completely lost my appetite.

  “You should tell Ryan,” Sierra advised. “He needs to know exactly how big a sacrifice you made for him and your partnership.”

  Telling Ryan

  I tried to sneak in but mom and dad were both waiting for me. Dad was playing solitaire on his iPad and mom was pacing the floors, “Would you like to explain now?” She snapped at me.

  “Explain what?” I asked. I thought I saw smoke coming from mom’s ears at that point.

  “Let’s start with this boy I heard about that you are dating at school.”

  “You mean Adam, he was the nice guy that took me to the hospital when I hurt myself.”

  “We told you that you’re not allowed to get involved with boys. When did you start dating him?”

  “He’s not a boy he’s a guy and after I got injured.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us about this ‘GUY’?” Mom mocked.

  “I did, I told you he took me to the hospital. You even saw him at your car. You commented on him being cute.”

  “You know what I mean,” mom said irritated.

  “Because I knew you would react like this.”

  “I’m acting like this because you weren’t straight with us. You lied to everyone!”

  “It was just a little bit of fun while I was laid up, I didn’t expect things to get serious between me and Adam.”

  “They’re serious?” Dad started suddenly getting interested.

  “Not anymore, Ryan gave me an ultimatum and forced me to break up with Adam today.”

  “Well, at least one of you has their head on straight,” mom commented.

  “I just want to go to bed now, can I go?”

  “Sure Honey, you did the right thing,” dad said supportively.

  “No, it’s more like Ryan forced her to do the right thing. Don’t give her credit where it’s not due,” mom said to dad. “Nothing responsible was done on her part.” Mom had that all encompassing look of disappointment on her face that only she gets. I turned to leave them to get ready for bed. When I was self-tucked in under my comforter I put on Timberlake and cried myself to sleep.

  The Next Morning

  My alarm rang and I zombied through my morning routine feeling hollow inside. I hadn’t asked mom to take me to the arena and I didn’t see Ryan’s car outside. I texted him:

  Dalia: Hi, We need 2 talk.

  Ryan: I’ll come get U.

  I looked out the living room window until I saw the headlights of his Mercedes in the driveway. I left the house quietly and got into his idling car. He turned it off, waiting for me to say something, when I didn’t he faced me. The air was thick with tension. I returned his intense gaze. His hair was messy and he was wearing his wife beater T-shirt with just a sweater overtop. It looked like he had just rolled out of bed and this was the worst he could look. His worst was amazing but with the mood I was in, it was easy to ignore.

  “I pick the podium, I pick you, Ryan.”

  He reached for me pulling me into a hug, “You won’t be sorry,” he spoke into my hair. “When did you tell him?”

  “Yesterday, before we made love,” I confided to him. “It was my first time.” My voice cracked and I broke down sobbing into his broad shoulder.

  He held my shaking body for some time and when I quieted down he whispered, “Did I hear that right?”

  “Yes,” I admitted.

  He pulled away from me grasping both my arms like he did in school,“TELL ME YOU WERE PROTECTED,” he demanded.

  “Un.”

  He released me and then punched his dashboard really hard, leaving a crack in it and suddenly he wasn't able to look at me anymore, “Get out of my fucking car.”

  “Don’t be mad,” I said timidly, “Adam deserved so much more than getting mixed up with this,” I justified. “There’s no way I’ll get pregnant after ONE time.”

  “Get out!” he continued.

  That’s when it struck me, it was more than our skating. His anger was stemming from raw jealousy.

  Tension

  Depression got the better of me and I spent the entire day locked in my bedroom sleeping and crying it out. I missed school, skating practice, didn’t eat, or even touch my phone. I completely isolated myself from my family, friends and all social media.

  I knew my parents were worried. They begged and pleaded for me to come out. They laid trays of food out for me that went untouched the entire day. Later, I found out that they went as far as sending me text messages in attempts to communicate with me. Nothing worked.

  The following morning, I didn’t feel any better, in fact I felt worse. Physically I felt weak from not having eaten the day before, my stomach was becoming nauseated and I was beginning to have periods of dizziness every time I got out of bed to go to the bathroom.

  Emotionally I was an even bigger mess. I longed to be back in Adam’s arms, to feel his hands all over my body, to rekindle that undeniable passion we had in our last hours together.

  My dislike towards Ryan was intensifying with every passing hour. He literally scared the bejesus out of me with his temper in the Mercedes and made no attempt to contact me or apologize for his unwarranted reaction.

  I couldn’t remember anyone ever yelling at me the way he did. He was bossy and I hardly knew him. I had the right to be happy without him or my parents dictating how I’m supposed to live my life. When he gave me that ultimatum I sacrificed all my personal happiness for the benefit of ‘us,’ and he hardly showed a morsel of gratitude.

  The next day was more of the same with the exception that I did break down once to eat, and I accidentally caught sight of my sorry self in the mirror. The image staring back at me was a puffy, forlorn face that made me retch with self-hate.

  It wasn’t until the third day that I resolved to go through the motions of my daily routine even if my heart was scattered in tiny bits and pieces over my first love, Adam. I dressed in my favourite dress and sweater before checking my face in the mirror, haggard I thought. I used my much needed cover-up to hide the
bags of depression that settled under my eyes and spritzed myself up with my prettiest perfume before checking the kitchen for food and hallway for keys.

  A lunch was made for me to bring to school. I wasn’t sure if it was made on day one, two, or three but I took it. I also grabbed a banana for breakfast even though my stomach hadn’t completely settled from day two yet. The dizzy spells for the most part were gone.

  The keys to dads car were in the hallway and I was grateful at his thoughtfulness. He showed more empathy towards me throughout this entire situation than mom ever did. I arrived on time to the arena walking quickly through the lounges. I felt people watching me but I ignored their stares. I changed in the locker room and made it out to the ice surface just as the Zamboni was leaving. I didn’t see Ryan and I felt a mixed bag of emotions, primarily relief and disappointment that he wasn’t there.

  I began stroking slower than usual around the ice. I had a mild headache and my stomach wasn’t feeling normal yet. I didn’t have my usual level of energy to burn. I heard Ryan’s edges breaking the ice and felt his presence behind me before I saw him. He slipped his arm comfortably around my waist and I looked up at him to see him smiling back at me, “I was waiting for you to come back to me, I was worried.”

  He stopped us from skating any further and hugged me right there in front of everyone. The mixed signals and the sheer audacity of his actions infuriated me. I attempted to pull away from his hug which was ridiculous, because he was way to strong for me and said, “You showed it when you called, oh wait you didn’t. Well, at least you apologized for your vile temper, oh wait you didn’t do that either.” I added sarcastically.

  Ryan argued, “What did you expect me to do? You keep making these stupid decisions that risk everything we’ve ever worked for. Go back to single skating if you’re going to be a narcissistic asshole!”

  I slapped him hard across the face and tried harder to break free from his grasp. With little effort on Ryan’s part he kept me there. All the other skaters stopped what they were doing and were watching us. His cheek was red from the assault and for a second I feared he would retaliate, but he didn’t.