Her Delayed War

by R. J. Nicolson

I feel like I’m stuck in a catch twenty two situation; contained within the walls of my house. Eating, drinking, sleeping (really badly I must say) and lifting the gold catch to check what’s happening outside. He’s still there, he’s never left and I’ve given up on anyone saving me. Every morning I wake and decide I’m just going to leave open the door and let him gun me down. I mean, what’s the point in living if I’m only just existing? Why not just admit defeat? I’m not strong enough to get through this; I’ve missed my counselling session because I’m so afraid for my life. I’ve missed work; I’ve ignored the phone and switched off my mobile phone.

  I can’t wrap my head around how people do this; how people live this kind of life.

  Hearing the sound of keys turning in my door and it being pushed open steals every last breath from me. All I can do is stare at the door.

  “Honey, are you here?” I run past her and slam the door.

  “Baby girl, what are you doing?” Her face holds a look of absolute disbelief.

  “Making sure he doesn’t get in.” I lift the gold latch and spy out; he’s still there he’s always there.

  “There’s no one out there, well old Miss Henry is watering her plants and hanging baskets but it’s not exactly rocking out there.” She smiles like her joke should mean something to me.

  “You didn’t see him? Mohammad has been there all week; the police didn’t see him, you haven’t seen him but when I look out there I see him.” I lift the latch again and then shut it and storm into the living room.

  “Are you feeling ok? Janet rang me because you missed your appointment and work has rung every day; you haven’t been to work?” She doesn’t get it. It’s like the devil sits on my shoulder screaming and laughing, telling me no one will ever get it. I’m alone in this. No one will help me; no one will ever understand.

  “I’m fine. Just don’t want to be there. You shouldn’t be here either.” Her look shows how much I’ve hurt her by saying that.

  “Jodi, who is Mohammad? And why shouldn’t I be here? I’m your mum; of course I should be here. No one has heard from you; everyone is worried baby girl.” Her voice has rocketed to a near on screech.

  “I’m fine mum, go home see dad. For me, please.” I wish she would leave already. I just want her to leave. Why won’t she leave?

  “No, I’m staying until you talk to me.”

  “GET OUT NOW!” She looks at me like I have ten heads but has no intention in leaving. “JUST GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!” I grab the door handle, pull it open and then grab her and push her out the door; when she crosses the threshold, I slam the door and lock it leaving the key in the door so she can’t put hers in to unlock it. I connect the chain while she’s banging on the door.

  “Jodi, what is going on with you? Let me in now.” When her screams don’t get the response she wants she tries a different angle. “Jodi, honey? Baby girl, let’s talk, I’m worried about you, we all are.” When this doesn’t work, she screams at me. “I’m sending your dad to talk to you. I wish you would talk to me.”

  “Don’t send him, I won’t talk to him either, just leave me alone. Can’t you see I just want to be by myself?” The only way to get rid of her is to hit below the belt and to make sure they stay safe is to keep them away from me. “I’m a fucking adult; if I wanted any of you here I’d ring. Now leave me the fuck alone and don’t come back.”

  I hear her sobs and spy out of the peephole as she walks up the path to her car. He just steps aside, letting her past; gun still trained to my door with a massive smirk on his face. He knows he’s winning and it’s just a matter of time till he can take me out.

  I slide down the door thinking about everything. I’m heartbroken that I hurt my mum but I need to keep her safe and being around me she will never be. I’m not safe around me, so I won’t risk the people I love by letting them be around me also.

  My heart hurts so I curl up and assume the foetal position on the floor by the door. My new bed.

  I sleep in fits and start going over everything in my head. I need to talk to Janet, my therapist but I don’t want her to come here and risk her being hurt or her ringing my parents to report back to them that I’m a full on loon right now.

  Bolting upright, I pull myself across the floor to my handbag. searching for something in there and then throw it aside and reach for my house phone.

  Chapter 7

  Cory Jenson

  I’m cleaning up in the shower when I hear my phone ring. It’s always the same; you never hear from anyone until you’re busy or relaxing. Well that’s how it works for me. Not at any one time has my phone gone off today until I grab some me time. Twisting the knob on the shower, I step out and walk towards the bedroom door I don’t bother grabbing a towel; it’s pointless as I’m jumping straight back in there when it’s over.

  The number is withheld which is strange; I don’t normally get people hiding their numbers from me.

  Hello Cory Jenson speaking.

  Jenson, I need your help.

  Fucking hell, she’s eventually decided to get in touch with me.

  Corporal Emery, are you ok? Where are you? Is someone harming you?

  My heart beats a million miles a second waiting on her response.

  Can you come here, please?

  I’m still wet from the shower but I pull on some sweat pants and a vest top; things I’d probably only worn at the gym but the first things that were at hand.

  Where are you Corp? I’ll need an address, can you send me it?

  Yes-s-s-s-s, will you hurry?

  Send me the address, I’ll be there as soon as I can I promise.

  Thank you.

  You can hear her sobs as she hangs up the phone. A message pings on my phone a few minutes later just as I’m jumping into my car and peeling out of the drive. I can’t believe she lived less than a mile from me all this time; she’s been virtually on my door step. I text back telling her I’ll be five minutes.

  When I pull up outside her shoebox size home and see her tiny little car on the drive, it makes me stop in my step. I’d have never thought this was where she would live. It takes exactly five steps to reach her door and instead of knocking on the door like any normal person I shout for her.

  “Corporal Emery, its Jenson are you there?” I hear the lock click and then the door opens a crack, eyes peer at me then but they are gone as the door shuts. Then I hear the chain grating as she undoes it before it opens again, just enough for me to squeeze in. “Are you ok?”

  “I’m not sure I am, not anymore anyway.” Her body shakes as sobs wrack her body; my first and only instinct is to grab her and drag her to my body until she is firmly pressed against me in the tightest of hugs I think I’ve ever given anyone. I kiss the top of her head and rub her back; it’s crazy how much I want to heal her take away all her fears without really knowing what is going on.

  “What took you so long?” I don’t even know why I asked that question.

  “Did you see him?”

  “Did I see who?” I’m lost; what is she talking about.

  “Mohammad, he’s been out there all week. He’s going to kill me. I actually want to walk out there to get it over and done with.” The fear in her voice isn’t as noticeable as it was on the phone. “I’ve thought about it, I really have but I don’t get it. I don’t get why he’s here taunting me, aiming that gun at my house. The police won’t help me and my parents want to help but I’d have to kill myself if my actions caused their deaths. Please help me.”

  “Who is out there?”

  “Mohammad, Cathy’s date for the reunion.” She pulls away from my grip, walking to the door and lifting the peephole cover. She looks out before wagging her finger at me. “Look.”

  I take over from her position at the door and spy out but see nothing.

  “You see him right? You see that Tabuk rifle? He’s been there all this time, please tell me you see him, and please tell me you see what I see. Please help me Jenson, please help me.” I
turn and grab her again. I can’t believe how bad she actually is. Seeing a person isn’t normal, but some people who are suffering P.T.S.D imagine lots of random things. Her debilitating fear of a man who isn’t there is real; this happens but knowing it happens then seeing someone you have always liked go through it is two entirely different things.

  “Come sit with me Corp.” I whisper in her ear. Her whole body is shaky from her fear towards something that is incredibly real to her but invisible to everyone else. It’s at this point that she will distance herself from everyone who loves her because no one believes what she’s saying, the end result being her alone and more susceptible to doing something that can never be undone. God, I hope I can help her.

  She nods against my shoulder and I walk her still in our embrace towards what I hope is her living room.

  “Do you think you can talk to me about what is going on?” I ask her when we are seated on the sofa. She’s still wrapped in my arms; I’m reluctant to let her go.

  “I’m-m-m not su-ur-re.”

  “Get your breath baby, don’t force yourself to tell me just let it out when you can. I’m not leaving you; I’m staying until you don’t need me anymore.”

  “Do-ooo-o you promise?” She asks.

  “Of course, I’m going to be right here beside you until you throw me out.” She pulls away and looks up at me. Tears have streaked her face and her nose is all wet and snotty but she looks really cute even through all the suffering.

  “Did you ever think this would happen to us? I mean I know you have suffered also. Did you expect it? They told me I’d be fine when I had all the medicals and everything, then all of a sudden it took me twice as long to leave my house in the morning. The anxiety about leaving my house turned from none existent to the heart thundering fear. But I did it every day. I got up struggled on until the day of that reunion. I didn’t want to leave the taxi and go in there, I know I’m selfish. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see anyone but it was a million times worse than it has ever been before that day. I don’t even know why but something was there warning me, I should have listened; now I have to deal with that asshole outside. He never leaves. He’s there I can see him and the only solution I have is to walk out that door and let him kill me. But I can’t; I really can’t do it.” Tears explode from her eyes as her sobs leave her breathless.

  “Ssshhhhh, it’s ok,” I say while stroking her hair. I decide to tell her some of my story. Keep her here. “Mine didn’t quite happen like that. I decided to stay in when lots of us left; I had no one to go home to, no one who really needed me except our platoon. Or what was left of our platoon. At first I couldn’t sleep properly but then I couldn’t eat. I was jittery all the time, on edge and I couldn’t control my own body or my own head. I think I told you all this at the reunion but what I probably didn’t mention was that I was caught trying to steal a gun from the armoury in the middle of the night. I was detained and sent to medical where I was assessed and declared unfit for duty. Just before I left I tried again, not with a gun this time just with my Leatherman, I don’t know if I knew what I was really doing. There was no pain but the blood was immense. I was found before I bled out; got myself some pretty tats now to cover those scars. Anyway they shipped me off to hospital and then shipped me to the crazy house. Best thing that’s ever happened for me. I’ll never be the same as I once was but I’m here and I’m thankful that after everything I’ve done to myself someone was there to save me.” I pause to let my story sink in with her. “I’ll be here for you, if you will let me.”

  She lifts her head again and looks into my eyes then runs her fingers over my face and pulls my face towards hers before locking her lips with mine. Damn I wish I could let this happen but she is not in the right place for this and I don’t want to be kicked to the curb when she feels better.

  Chapter 8

  Jodi

  He drags himself away from me. Oh shit what did I do?

  “Oh Corp, I wish that’s where we could take this but right now is not the time for that.” He rubs his hand over his face. You can hear it when his hand rubs over his light dusting of stubble.

  “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Oh shit.” I’m disgusted with myself; he shares his story with me then I throw myself at him. I can’t even believe it. Shame slams into me.

  “Corp, please don’t worry, I’m not. It’s very flattering you know.” His eyes flick to the door and I follow his minute movement. My stomach bottoms out. I hadn’t forgotten about Mohammad but I hadn’t felt the urgency to check that catch.

  I jump to my feet and run towards the door. It takes him about half a minute to realise my next move and chase after me. But not before I reach the door and lift the little gold catch. I exhale the breath I didn’t realise I’d kept in; not in relief but because of the fear. He’s still there and still waiting, still ready.

  “He isn’t really there.” Arms wrapped around my waist, his voice is in my ear. When I try to move he holds me firmly in place. “Tell me what you see Corp. Then I will look and tell you what I see.”

  “He’s right there with a Tabuk rifle pointed at my door. If I opened it, he would kill me with one shot.” I’m shaking so hard right now; my whole body vibrates. “Look, quickly tell me you don’t see him.” I step back for him to step forward.

  “Corp, he isn’t there. What I see is my car parked right at the end of the path.” I shove him out the way and look straight out.

  “He is there. I’m telling you. I’m not crazy.”

  “No you’re not crazy but baby he isn’t there. When is your next therapist session?”

  “I missed it. Wouldn’t matter, I can’t leave. And no one believes me or sees him so what difference would it make.”

  “The difference is you are not crazy but you’re suffering from something that has the potential to kill you; well make you kill yourself. P.T.S.D isn’t something you can hide from Corp. Remember what I went through. What I did to myself. I didn’t know anything about it but I do now. Let me help you get better; let other people help you also. We can do this together. Hey, maybe even my support group will help you. Group sessions are awesome because there’s not as much pressure.” He tries to pull me to him but I move back to the catch and take another look.

  “Yes, help me please.” I say with a shudder, like someone walked over my grave.

  Jenson

  That was far too easy, normally it takes weeks to convince someone they actually need help. Normally they fight you until they break.

  “Ok Corp; how about tonight? Group sessions start soon.” I only did this to test my theory.

  “NO! No definitely not, he’s still out there. Just because he hides when you look and when my mum came doesn’t mean he isn’t there. Until he leaves, I will not leave this house, well unless he gets me and then I suppose I’ll have to.” Her whole demeanour changes with her words; her body shows her anxiety and fear as she speaks and it shreds my world.

  “Ok, how about I arrange something to happen here?” It’s a whim and I’m hoping she will refuse and she will change her mind about leaving her house.

  “NO! I don’t think it’s safe for anyone else to come here just now. Don’t you think I’d have someone here to support me who has been closer to me than you? I won’t risk anyone else.”

  Her words cut me to the core. She will now be forever just Corp to me. I’ve slipped a few times and called her baby or babe but now this is nothing but a working relationship and it has to stay that way. My heart hurts because I know that I can’t help her without risking my own health and mental stability.

  “Ok Corp, give me your therapists number, I’ll ring and arrange an appointment for you where we can get her here and under the radar. She will be safe and then you will have someone you trust with you.”

  “You’re going to leave me?”

  “No, I mean yes.” Christ I don’t fucking know. “I don’t know what you want from me. I’m struggling here, Corp? I wa
nt to help you but I’m only one man. If you’re not willing to help yourself then I can’t help you.” Tough love really sucks.

  “What do you want from me Jenson? I can’t risk more people getting hurt because of me. I can’t risk losing everyone. I really need you. I really need someone who understands what I’m going through. You said you would be here for me, you promised.” The shrill tone of her voice shocks me. I know I said that and I don’t want to go back on my word but I’m so torn, I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep my word and my sanity.

  “Ok, I’ll stay.” I relent. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want that meeting with your therapist to happen so I’ll make you a deal.” I draw in a huge breath before I continue. “Either, we make an appointment with your therapist today for her to come here or you come to one group session tonight, the choice is yours to make.”

  “You’re going to make me choose or you will leave me.” When I nod she sinks to the floor. “I don’t want to choose, I don’t want you to leave.” I stay silent and walk back to the living room knowing she will get up and check the door before coming through. If she really wants to help herself or wants me to help her she will have to make this choice.

  Chapter 9

  Jenson

  I’m scrolling through my emails on my phone when she comes in and perches onto the other end of the sofa. I don’t look up or acknowledge that she’s there. I’m waiting for her to take the time she needs to sort things out in her head.

  “If we do this, you will be with me right?” She asks in the quietest voice I think I’ve ever heard.

  “Do what?”

  “Go to your sessions. If we go there, you won’t leave me? Because I don’t think I’ll get past the door but if you’re willing to help me, then I’ll try my best.”

  I don’t let the excitement I feel touch my face when I look up from my phone to answer her.

  “Corp, I’ll help you. The session starts at seven. I need to just check in so if you don’t want to stay long we don’t have to; we will go together and leave together whenever you are ready.” I want to grab her and pull her to me and kiss her fear away. But logically and for my own sanity, I can’t do it.