Her Delayed War

by R. J. Nicolson

  “Is it all men at your sessions?” Her voice is little more than a whisper.

  “Shit no, we have a different range all the time. Ladies come also; I mean, it’s more men than women but we do have a few ladies who come regularly.”

  “Does everyone have what I have?”

  “To some extent, everyone is suffering. Not everyone has P.T.S.D; some have family members who were suffering from it, some come with family or friends we are just one big extended family who are happy to help each other through what can potentially be the hardest thing anyone can ever go through. Whether they or someone they know suffers we are there for all.”

  “You make it sound so easy. You realise this isn’t easy right?” She says a mix of anger and terror lacing her voice.

  “I didn’t insinuate that anything about this was easy, Corp,” I roll up my sleeves of my hoody that I’d shoved on over my gym vest and shove my wrists in her face. “Does this look easy to you? The scars some of my friends have aren’t as easy to cover as mine have been. What I’m saying is we are all in this together. Don’t ever begin to presume you know what I’m thinking. Nothing in my life is easy or has been for the last however many years. I know first-hand how hard this road is to travel. I also know first-hand how hard it is to get people to understand that every waking moment of my life is difficult; don’t put words like ‘easy’ into my mouth because I would never say that word about absolutely any of this, be it my life or anyone else’s. You have to understand this Corp; I have a lot of friends but only those who need me as much as I need them. Sessions for me are like meeting all my friends and having a safe place to talk about whatever any of us are finding it that much harder this week, or for someone new to find like-minded people who can relate to them in ways no one else, not even a therapist, can help us with.”

  I must shock her with my words because she hangs her head and doesn’t speak.

  A couple of hours pass and I need to leave, hopefully with her but if she isn’t willing to come I’ll still have to go. By text message, I was informed that something had happened to Will; one of the younger lads in the group, his brother is coming in to see me. As soon as I got the text I knew it was something I probably didn’t want to know but inevitably I’d have to. Then I’d have to deal with the fall out.

  “We have to go now Corp; I need to get to group to talk to one of the kids brothers. Something has happened and only I can deal with it there.”

  “Ok.” She nods, stands up and walks to the door where her bag is sitting.

  She hasn’t checked, she hasn’t even taken any notice of what she’s doing. She just did what I said I needed to be done. Surely this isn’t going to be as easy as it seems.

  “You ready?” I ask, giving her a minute to reflect on her actions here.

  “Yes, as I’ll ever be. Let me check, and then you can check. Maybe I should come from the back door while you start the car.” She spies out the peephole before turning to me. She’s scared; its written all over her face and that ache inside of me has me almost on my knees again.

  This girl is going to cause me big problems. Problems no one is going to be able to fix. Because I don’t know if I’d let them even if they could.

  “Can I have your keys and you have mine and lock up? I don’t want to get you caught in the cross fire if he tries to take me out.” She heaves in a deep shaky breath before continuing, “I’ll get in your car if I can get past him.”

  “Corp, he’s not going to get either of us because he isn’t there so we are going to leave together climb in my car and leave.”

  When her face falls I know I have to gather her to me and reassure her more. “It’s ok and it’s completely normal. I won’t lie to you and tell you what you are seeing is true and even though you don’t believe me when I say he isn’t there and won’t hurt you. I won’t feed the fear. You will understand that one day I did this for you. I told you the truth because if I didn’t and I fed your fear about this then I’d never be able to live with myself in the end. What you believe to be the truth isn’t really and only you can lose that image.” She pulls herself from my arms and pulls up the gold latch again and spies through before turning to me.

  “He is there but he isn’t real?” Her expression explodes with the doubt she feels at my words.

  “You’re illness is using your fear against you. I mean your brain is using your fear against you. There is only one person who can fight against this but with support and people there for you to lean on you will understand and work through this.” She looks at me with unbelieving eyes. “Honestly Corp, come on this journey with me and you will see how honest I’m being. Remember even though my experience with this was different and is still far from over, I’ve travelled this road and alone it is not doable but with people to join you and be your anchor it can be a totally refreshing experience and so much easier to focus on.”

  “Wow you make it sound amazing; I just hope you’re being real because I can’t get my head around this.”

  “Scouts honour,” I say, giving her the salute at the same time.

  “I don’t think you were ever a scout, you don’t look like you were.”

  “I’ll have you know I was. I was a beaver then cub then scout then I left and joined the army cadets. I was destined for the life I’ve led.” I say trying to play it down.

  “No way! I was in the army cadets also; I loved it and it paved the way for my army career.” You have to love common ground.

  “Let’s talk about this more while we are in the car otherwise we will never get to the session.” I squeeze her to me one more time before ushering us out the door and to my car.

  Chapter 10

  Jodi

  I can’t believe he got me out here and into the car without me even realising what he had done. We are half way there when it twigs in my brain and the gasp that leaves my mouth startles him.

  “What? What’s wrong?” he says.

  “I didn’t even think about it. You got me out of the house without me even thinking about him. I just can’t believe it. I know everyone has told me he isn’t there but I was sure you were all lying. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand it.”

  “I know, but what is happening is part of your own scary story. We all have one. Maybe once you hear a couple of the stories here it will help you understand that you are never alone in this. We all have our own tales to tell and some are more haunting than others. Mine is a drop in the ocean to some of the others. I hope Asher is there, his story relates more to yours than mine does.”

  “Asher? Is that his real name?”

  “Yes it is. We all asked him that but he’s American and it’s a popular name over there; or so he says anyway. He’s proper cocky and a real playboy but the absolute salt of the earth.”

  “Are we going to talk about me tonight? I’m not sure I’m ready to have everyone judging me on the first night.” When I whizz my head towards him his face is totally natural.

  “There is no pressure on you what-so-ever. Plus I just really need to be there because of Sam’s message.” I look at him, like really look and see for the first time tonight the anxiety on his face. Something has happened and that something is not good.

  “Do you want to talk to me about it?”

  “I don’t know if there is something to talk about yet. Sam is Will’s brother but it’s unusual for a brother to message me unless it’s something bad. Am I worried? Shit yes. Am I hoping for the best? Always. Anyway we will find out soon we are almost there.”

  “So, everyone here tonight fought in Iraq?”

  “Shit no. Some are normal accidents, some are soldiers and some are family members of lost ones. The only common denominator in all of it is that we all have some strain of P.T.S.D or relationship’s with it. Depending on who is here tonight, the range of sufferers is large and some are not so recognisable where as some stand out like a sore thumb.”

  “Sound’s scary.”

  “It’s not, you
may find yourself a little anxious at first but I’ll be there the whole time you are and remember as soon as I’ve sorted this situation, we can leave if you want to.”

  Jenson

  Placing her hand on my arm, my throat swells but I don’t say anything nor does she remove her hand, Jesus.

  “We are here.” I say as we pull up outside the sessions building and she looks at me in awe.

  “I figured a church or community centre but not this; wow, never did I think it would be at the local golf course.”

  “Some of us think that golfing is the most boring of sports but it’s also one of the quietest places to hit something if you’re ready to release some anger. We had a debate and this was the end result, I think we have been having them here for the last couple of years.” Her hand rubs up my arm and it doesn’t stop leaving me breathless and needing to adjust myself desperately. This hasn’t ever really been a problem for me, apart from the odd occasion when I’ve needed to release some pent up energy and then a shower is the easiest option. I jump out the car and walk around to open her door.

  “Come on lets go in.” She freezes, when I reach out for her.

  “I’m not sure I can. I don’t think I can leave this car.”

  “Why? You made it this far; why not just a little bit more?” Her eyes travel the road and then spear me with fear.

  “What is it Corp?” She shakes her head denying me an answer. “You have to tell me so I can help you. Please tell me.”

  “He-ee-ee’s here.” I whizz my head around before I realise she’s talking about the man who doesn’t exist; the man who is tormenting her and feeding her fear. Allowing her to become the shell of a human being she’s reduced to today.

  “Come on, I’ll look after you. Everyone here will protect you. We are all here to help you. We will get you through this, I promise.” She shakes her head but I pull her from the car anyway.

  As soon as we are through the door, Sam storms over; the horror and fear is written all over his face.

  “Hey Sam, what’s up?” I try to stay natural and keep a calm exterior while my insides twist and recoil during the wait to find out what the hell is going on. Jodi hangs on to my arm so I grab her hand and squeeze her fingers in reassurance.

  “I need to speak to you alone. Something has happened and I need your help. Do you have time to talk? I know you’re busy but this is important.”

  “Of course, but you know that everyone here is a support for your brother as much as I am.” He nods and then shakes his head telling me what he has to say is for me only. “Let me sort something first, Jodi can’t be just left alone on her first night and all.” I say pulling her over to the few ladies present.

  “I won’t leave you for long ba… Corp, I promise I just have to deal with this.” I almost slipped. “Emily, can you get Jodi a cup of coffee. I promise I won’t be long.” Emily nods as she links her arm through Jodi’s and pulls her towards the coffee machine. “Follow me there is a spare room over there with a couple of chairs.”

  As soon as we seat ourselves, Sam bursts out in tears.

  “Will killed himself last night. He eventually did it. His behaviour was erratic all week then he wasn’t eating or sleeping; he started talking to people who weren’t there. Screaming during the night; pacing, waking everyone up to make sure they were ok. Then he just took the dog out last night like nothing was amiss and never came back. We rang the police told them he was a P.T.S.D sufferer and they told us there was nothing they could do until he had been missing 48hrs. Dad went out looking for him and found him; the dog was just lying next to his body and wouldn’t leave him. We don’t know why or what had happened but he’s gone.”

  My heart not only breaks for this man and his family but for Will too. He seemed to have turned a corner, been much brighter at sessions; more helpful to newcomers. The wind is knocked straight from my lungs as I rub my hand over my face trying to see where I could have maybe helped Will out more than I had.

  What do you say to the people left behind after this kind of tragedy?

  Chapter 12

  Jodi

  It didn’t take long for Emily to take my worry away when she started in on her story. Emily’s scars are scary but when she tells her story it’s even more so.

  “You know you don’t expect to be attacked by some stranger when you are walking home from work and the pain wasn’t even the first thing I thought of; it was the ‘how the hell didn’t I see this happening?’ That asswipe dragged me into a cemetery and ripped my clothes from my body before he attacked me. I guess after all of this time I should have seen the rape before anything else but nothing really registered. It was like an out of body experience it just wasn’t happening to me and even though I fought like hell it still didn’t register. Police say I shut it out but Cory and the people here also my therapist all say its PTSD and after all this time, I can finally see it their way.”

  “Oh wow Emily, you seem so put together. I don’t know how you do it.” I whisper to her.

  “It’s been hard. Like thirty odd operations hard. I still have to wear hair pieces and I might still need more surgeries to fix some abnormalities but I’m ready for them if I have to have them. My hubby tried but he ran for the hills after the first few months.” At my pained look she explains, “I don’t blame him; the face mask was scary and the questions were harder to deal with. Alex wanted to kill anyone who looked at me where-as he himself found it so hard to look at me. After the rape, the man pulled something from his pocket and threw it onto my face hair and body. I don’t know if he thought it would kill me or destroy the evidence but he did and it then walked away. A dog walker found me screaming in pain and got me help but it’s been a long road. Nothing heals overnight.”

  “I feel like my story is insignificant in comparison to yours.” I say wiping away a tear from my eye as I stare out of the window by the coffee stand. He stares back at me, his aim is perfect.

  “Tell me your story let me judge for myself.” I stare into her eyes, feeling like I might have a real friend in Emily if I just let her in but the fear of the unknown scares the bejesus out of me. Seeing my doubt she grabs my hand and looks out the window training her eyes to where mine are. “At least tell me who haunts you. I swear I’ll be here for you.” Squeezing my hand in reassurance, I nod and allow myself to sink into my story.

  “It didn’t happen so quickly; I left the army after our last post. Did you know Jenson was in my platoon?” When she shakes her head in denial I carry on. “Well we served together; I was his corporal and we saw a lot of shit. I’m not saying it was all bad; I actually have to confess some of my time serving was the most amazing times of my life; yes it was hard but life is about challenges and we had a fair few of those. The last tour was the hardest, we watched so many people die, be attacked as well as be attacked ourselves. It’s just you learn to live with all that; well maybe not really live with it but well its, I don’t even know how to explain it. Anyway I have struggled through the last few years and ended up being referred to a counsellor because of this and being told I had PTSD or delayed PTSD as it was explained to me. There isn’t a lot of information on it. Anyway the man who is going to kill me showed up because of the reunion; he was there with another soldier from my platoon and he has stood outside my house since. No one else can see him and no one really believes me but I can see the end. I mean I can see my end.”

  “Cory won’t allow that.”

  “I have no idea what you talking about!”

  “Yes you do, you know exactly what I’m saying. He won’t let you hurt yourself, he won’t allow you to end your life because of the horrors you faced”

  “I didn’t say I was going to. I just said I can see my end.”

  “Yes, but your whole body language changed and if I could read it Cory will be all over that shit.”

  I really like Emily but her insight into my thoughts is scary.

  Jenson

  God her smile makes my heart j
ump, even in the weakest of moments she shines out. Turning back to Sam, I decide to do what I can to help him.

  “A few of the people here are siblings of someone we have lost. I’m going to tell everyone as a group but I think these people will be able to help you.” He shakes his head. “Doesn’t have to be today and I’m not just offering this to you, I’m offering it to your whole family. We are a family here and we want to help you all through it the best we can. I just wish I could have helped Will out more than I did.”

  “I really appreciate everything you have done; he told us he had found some of the best friends he had ever had here. We just though he was getting better! I’ll let my family know what you have offered.”

  “Don’t leave yet. Come out there with me, Will had some really good friends here myself included.” He nods his head and we exit the room.

  “Hey everyone, listen up.” I clear my throat before I continue; my eyes whizz around the room and land on Jodi she doesn’t need to speak for me to know she already knows. “Ok, so there’s something you all need to know and this isn’t the easiest thing to get out,” I take a deep breath and clear my throat again. “Will passed away last night. We can’t all win the battle against the demons which control us and this time it took someone we all loved. Please remember him and his family at this sad time.” Everyone’s eyes land on Sam and myself.

  “Can we attend his funeral? I mean I really want to be there, I need to say goodbye.” Emily asks, wiping away the tears from her eyes.

  “Of course. As soon as we know all the details, I’ll relay them to Cory so he can let you all know. Thank you so much for everything you have all done for my brother. These last few months changed him in all the best ways, it’s just his demons were bigger than him.” Sam stands by my side as everyone offers their condolences before he leaves.