Her Delayed War

by R. J. Nicolson

  My head is banging and I want to run for the hills, guilt pummels my chest, constricting my breathing but the sight of Jodi standing by herself near the window brings me back. I edge closer to her allowing my group time to grieve.

  “I need to stay for a while, are you ok with that?”

  “Sure I don’t think I mind, Emily is amazing, she told me what happened to her. Her story is so much worse than mine, how is she so normal?”

  “It took her a long time to trust people but she’s an amazing woman, who has been through so much. Time tends to heal you especially when you have others supporting you. I wouldn’t be the person I am now without all these people here and I wouldn’t be in the position to help them if I didn’t have my own story to tell. One day soon, I hope you feel it too.”

  Chapter 12

  Jodi

  I couldn’t help but watch out of the window for the rest of the night as I contemplated my life and the things that had been happening to me. Jenson’s friend Emily’s story had kind of put my story into perspective and staring the man with his gun straight in the eye, for all the fear was still there; I knew I was going to face him. I know that one way or another I’m going to end my torment.

  No one else has approached me; they are all grieving or I’m just unapproachable. I’m going with the former even though I wouldn’t want to talk to me if I was them.

  “Do you want to grab some food on the way home?” Jenson says over my shoulder. I’d seen him approach through the glass so there was no surprise.

  “You’re staying with me, right?”

  “Yes I promised I would, we will have to grab some of my stuff on the way home though.”

  “Oh god! Is there going to be someone there?”

  “No, you know I’m single Corp. I live alone but I can’t stay with you without my home comforts and man stuff. Hey, I’d even like to grab my laptop and phone charger.” He smiles at the window. I can see him reflected there but I don’t want to turn my back to the window.

  “Do you work?” I ask, needing to know he isn’t going to leave me in the morning.

  “This is my work, most of it is done on the computer so I can do it from the comfort of your sofa while you run around after me, what about your job? When do you have to go back?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t even begin to think about it right now.” I say on a sigh.

  “You ready to go then? Emily left you a note with her number on, said you were to call her anytime.”

  “She’s left already?”

  “Everyone has left, group is over. It actually went on a lot longer than normal due to Will’s brother’s announcement.”

  “Oh shit, I hadn’t even realised. Bet they all think I’m ignorant.”

  “No one thinks badly of you, everyone has to ride out their own torment and just because you’re new doesn’t mean you’re any different. Please don’t stress about it Corp.”

  I walk backwards away from the window and then turn to face Jenson when I know its ok to turn around.

  “You did an amazingly brave thing tonight, Corp. I’m really proud of you. This is a massive step at such an early stage and even though I know this is really hard for you and you might take one step forward and three steps back, you still started off right.” He smiles at me again; his face lights up as does my heart. Praise is good.

  “Thanks. I’m ready to leave now. How far is it to your house? Will you be quick?”

  “It’s about ten minutes to mine. I’ll grab some stuff then drive the five minutes from mine to yours.”

  “You live five minutes away from me? How have we never seen each other in all these years?” I’m so shocked at his admission.

  “I’ve ran past your house many a morning Corp. It’s not like I knew it was your house and neither of us were looking for the other, plus I wear a hoody and earphones to focus fully on running, I don’t run along staring in to windows.” He says with a laugh.

  When we get to the car, he pulls out his phone.

  “Pizza, Chinese or an Indian? You never answered about going for food, so if we order it now, then it should get to yours just as we are pulling up.”

  “I don’t have a preference, so whatever you get I’ll try. I’m not really hungry but I would kill for some wine, it might help me sleep.” I look at him to make sure he isn’t judging me. His face doesn’t change so I can’t tell.

  “I have wine at mine chilling in the fridge, its white though, is that ok?” I nod my head and then look out the windows as he orders whatever food it is he fancies.

  “You’re not gonna tell me that I shouldn’t drink? My therapist tells me it’s not the best idea to drink away my problems.”

  “I’m not your therapist Corp, and a couple of drinks with a friend isn’t something that I’d frown upon.”

  “Good, I’m done with people telling me that everything I do, say or see is wrong.”

  Jenson

  I order pizza; it’s not like you can go far wrong with a pepperoni pizza is it? As we are driving towards my house, I notice her legs are bouncing all over the place.

  “You ok?”

  “Yeah, I’m just anxious to get home. It’s too open out here, it’s like I have myself on full display like a mannequin in a shop window. I don’t feel safe.”

  “Even though you’re here with me and I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you? Do you want to talk about it?” Her eyes flick through the windscreen, the passenger window and then she twists in her seat to check out the rear window before turning and checking again.

  “Corp?” I say, putting my hand on her knee trying to stop the knocking of her knees as her legs jerk around.

  “Why do you call me that?”

  “It’s easier.”

  “Easier than saying my name? It’s the same amount of letters; I’m not your Corporal anymore.”

  “I know but that doesn’t mean I can just stop, ok?” I fluster out my words.

  “You called me…..”

  “We are here, are you coming in? It won’t take too long.” I interrupt her. Her eyes flit around, checking I suppose. “I promise its safe and we won’t be long, the food will be at yours in about fifteen to twenty minutes.”

  She nods her head and we both climb out. She’s quick to the door and you can see her desperate need for me to get there quickly to unlock the door. As soon as I turn the key, she’s inside and slamming the door closed. I barely made it through and my hoody didn’t quite make it though. I pull away from the door and hear the material tear.

  “I’m sorry. Oh my god!!! I didn’t think it would catch you. Can it be fixed?”

  “It’s just a hoody, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just grab a new one from my room.” I say as I pull it over my head while walking past her. I don’t know if it’s just the light in here or what, but her eyes rake over my body like she’s drinking me in. Then she spins around to the door.

  “You don’t have a little gold catch?”

  “A spy hole in my door? Erm, no sorry.”

  “How are you supposed to check before you leave? What happens when someone knocks?” She’s visibly shaking. The earlier heat in her eyes has vanished and is now over ridden by cold hard fear.

  “There’s no one out there to hurt us, Corp. You’re safe here and we will only be a few minutes.” I try to guide her into the living room but she struggles against me. “I need to grab a new hoody and some other stuff, but you can’t stand here.” I tell her firmly.

  “Can you please hurry? I can’t check. I need to check. I need to be able to check!” The tears swell in her eyes.

  “Come with me.” I guide her through the house and she lets me this time. Up the stairs and in to my bedroom, where I eventually let her go. “Give me two minutes to grab some clothes and the things I need and then we can leave.” She just nods as she sits at the end of my bed not looking at me.

  Chapter 13

  Jenson

  In record time, I’ve grabbed my stuff and drove us straight
back to her house we beat the food delivery by ten minutes. The problem is, Jodi has been silent since she sat on my bed and hasn’t moved from the door since we got back here. She lifts the little gold catch and checks out the tiny spyhole then she drops the catch and moves back, then repeats the process. I don’t know what to say to help her and standing here watching what she’s doing is slowly killing me.

  “Corp, come sit down.” She shakes her head, so I grab her hand as she raises it to do it again. “Please stop. You did so well all evening, you have come so far already. I really need you to come and sit and eat.”

  “Can I have some wine please?” She says, looking at me. Her words are a plea and I nod my head, because what else can I say. I go grab some glasses from her kitchen and pour us both a glass of wine before heading to her dining table and opening the pizza box.

  “Come and eat Corp, I’ve poured the wine.”

  “Ok, one more check though right?”

  “You don’t need to check Corp, you’re safe. No one is out there are they?”

  “Not yet, but he will be back.”

  “Well, come and eat first then.” I have to play along. I need to get her away from the door. She took five steps forward today but has reverted ten steps back. It’s going to be a long, hard process.

  It takes her five more minutes to come and sit at the table.

  “Thank you.” She lifts the glass to her lips and takes a large gulp of her wine. “I needed this,” she says as she sits it back down. I lift the pizza to my lips and watch her as she picks pieces of the sloppy topping from her slice.

  “No need to thank me, its only wine.” I say, taking another large bite. “Have you spoken to your parents about what is happening? Haven’t they rung you?”

  “They keep trying but I’m keeping them safe. It’s not safe for them here.” The pain in her voice stops me from asking her anything more.

  We eat; well I eat; she just picks away slowly downing her wine like it’s her only want and desire.

  “Do you want to watch some TV or a film?” I ask as she pushes away her plate.

  “Do you think you could watch the door while I have a shower first?”

  “Of course, but I’m sure it’s safe to not watch the door. You locked it so no one is coming in and my car is out there so people will see that.”

  “No! I need to make sure it’s safe.” She says, standing from her seat.

  “I’ll go; you go get a shower Corp.” I say trying to divert her panic. She looks at me and on a sigh she nods, as I make my way to the door. The diversion tactic worked for now.

  When I hear her climb the stairs I quickly check the door. I lookout the spyhole, shake my head and make my way to the living room and sit on the edge of the sofa. I knew no one was going to be there but her fear has me on high alert.

  I switch on the TV and flick through the channels as I hear the water from her shower. I imagine it hitting her hair and cascading down her body then I quickly shake those thoughts away. I can’t keep doing that shit. It’s just so hard when the woman who you have secretly wanted for so long is right under your nose but suffering so badly that putting her in that sort of situation would be incredibly wrong.

  Jodi

  The scalding water beating off my body does nothing to take away the fear and anxiety that has taken root in my body. He wasn’t there, I mean he was there all night at the golf club, but when we eventually got back here he wasn’t here. And even after standing and checking for at least twenty minutes, he never surfaced. But he will be back right? He has to come back right?

  Jenson

  “He isn’t there; he hasn’t come back since the meeting!” She virtually screams at me. As soon as she finished her shower, she must have wrapped her towel around herself and ran down to check.

  “I told you I would sit and watch to make sure.”

  “But you are not watching, are you? You are sat on my sofa and the door isn’t manned. I asked you to watch the door; I meant physically watch the door. You’re supposed to be my protector; you said you would help me.”

  “No one will get in here to hurt you, not now or ever, you know that right?”

  “Why, are you going to be here to protect me forever?”

  I want to scream at her: ‘I would if you would have me’ but I know better. I’m not the right man for her, she deserves so much more than the man I am, or could ever be. But I know that it wouldn’t matter what I said my words are meaningless in her mind when she’s in this state.

  “You do not know that and neither do I. He’s been there and just because he isn’t there right this minute, that doesn’t mean he won’t come back. I’m not just risking my life, I’m now risking yours also.”

  “And I will live with that.” I walk over and grab her hand to lead her away from the door which has held her captive. “You have to know that as soon as you asked me to help you that I’d be here, whether we spend the next however long it takes to make everything better for you by banishing this demon and that as your Lance Corporal, I’d do anything you asked.”

  “But you are not that now.”

  “Doesn’t mean shit, I’m a member of the British Army even if I do not wear the uniform and will forever be dedicated to the family which I acquired while I served.” The small smile that graces her lips doesn’t escape my notice.

  “Even if I push you?” She raises her arms a little and all I can see is her towel slipping. Slow motion and all, it drops, drops to the ground and she isn’t quick enough to save it. Isn’t quick enough that I don’t get a full on view of her amazing body. All up close and personal. My dreams could never even begin to imagine the reality.

  “Oh holy fuck!” She screams as she makes a grab for her towel just as I bend to grab it also. We bang heads and move away holding our heads while looking at each other.

  My eyes want to leave her face and roam her naked body but I know for a fact she isn’t into me like I am her. And this is definitely not the time or place to try to pursue something with her. She grabs her towel and flees before I have a chance to say anything anyway.

  “I can’t fucking believe that just happened.” I hear her mumble from upstairs as she slams around her room grabbing clothes.

  My heart drops but at least she isn’t thinking about the door right now. When she comes back down she sits on the sofa but won’t look at me. Her eyes are focused on the TV. After five minutes she clears her throat and slowly turns her body so she’s facing me.

  “So erm…”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “I’m not, but I feel a little awkward now.”

  “Well don’t, I didn’t see anything” I lie through my teeth but her dropping the towel has taken her thoughts and focus from the door; she hasn’t once looked that way or ran to check the peephole.

  “Can I have another glass of wine, please?” She asks quietly.

  “Corp, this is your house, you don’t have to ask my permission to grab whatever it is you want.”

  “I know but it was your wine.” I give her a look which has her scrambling from her seat to the fridge with her glass in hand to refill.

  “Better?” I ask as she sits on the sofa beside me.

  “Yes, I feel better. When is the next group session? I’d like to come, maybe see Emily again.”

  “Two days from now, you have Emily’s number though I gave it to you before.” She looks at me like she isn’t sure. “What’s wrong? What is floating around inside your head?” The awkwardness stretches between us.

  Chapter 14

  Jodi

  We don’t speak after he asks what’s going on, I mean I just totally embarrassed myself in front of him and he hasn’t said anything about it.

  We watch some film that comes on, well I say watch but really I just stare at the screen as my thoughts scream at me. ‘Stupid stupid, stupid!’ I made everything so much more awkward between us. He barely even really knows me but I’ve made him virtually move in here because I k
now I’m not safe alone and then on his first night I came crashing down the stairs like some sort of raving lunatic and bump heads with him and drop my towel leaving me standing there butt naked. If he didn’t think I was already crazy he would definitely now. If I’d only just got ready first but I’d asked him to…..

  Jenson’s head spins to me as I explode up from the corner of the sofa I’d been sitting on.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks on full alert, thinking he missed something.

  “We didn’t keep watch! What would have happened if he had got in when we were too busy watching this film?”

  “Nobody would have gotten in here. You’re safe with me.”

  “You were watching the fucking film, Jenson.” Oh shit, now I’m screaming at him; add this to my list of shitty moves today. I run to the door but before I get there Jenson pulls me to him.

  “No, I won’t let you do this. He isn’t out there and if you ever want to get better then you have to start resisting the urge to do it all day every day.” When I try to drag myself away from him, he just holds me tighter.

  “I haven’t checked all day. I left here then I went with you, I left here, I need to check. please let me check.” I say, tears forming and falling rapidly. “Please let me do this, please Jenson, please.” I beg him.

  I must make him think about it because he loosens his grip on my arms but he doesn’t let go entirely.

  “This isn’t going to work with just me pushing for it, Corp. I don’t want to get so far with this for you to still be failing because you don’t trust me enough to tell you what the best course of action is, or because you’re too pig headed just to lean on someone and believe they have your best interests at heart.” He lets go of me and I run the sleeve of my top over my eyes. “It’s up to you Corp, check if you have to or start your journey right here and believe me when I say there is no one out there who will hurt you, I just need you to believe me.”