Her Delayed War

by R. J. Nicolson

  The next to stand scares even me. “Hi, I’m Claire and this is Andy, we were raped repeatedly by our dad from when we were kids until we eventually escaped two years ago. Twelve years we lived through it and Andy well he doesn’t like to talk much.” Even after you have heard their story a few times it still makes your stomach drop. There isn’t anyone who walks away feeling better once their story comes to light.

  “I’m sorry that happened to you both. Obviously this isn’t something we deal with every day but we should be able to help you both anyway.” Sergeant Ford says between anxious glances my way.

  “I’m Leah, no one really knows my story because I can’t remember what happened to me.”

  “You have no memory at all?” She shakes her head while they nod towards each other.

  “I’m Emily, rape and acid attack.” She shouts from Corp’s side.

  “I’m Frank and my son was killed at school.”

  “I’m Paul; I was in a car accident, my wife and three babies were killed on impact.”

  “We are both so sorry to hear that.”

  Paul just nods his head. The last few go and tell a very similar story about being at war and suffering some type of injury or situation they have really struggled to get over.

  “What about you?” Major Ivy points his finger towards my Corp. My heckles rise wanting to save her from the question because I know she doesn’t want to answer. Emily elbows her, making her focus and turn her body towards them instead of out the window.

  “Jodi? Is that really you? Holy shit, what happened?” Major Ivy asks her while he gravitates towards her, losing all sight he had on the rest of the group.

  “Lance?” She questions as he approaches her.

  “Shit Jodi! What the fuck happened?” I’m stunned in to an awkward silence, too scared to move, I’m stuck watching her face light up at the very sight of this man who is stealing her smiles from right under my nose.

  Sensing that he needs to continue the meeting Sergeant Ford starts talking to the rest of our group but my sole focus is on my Corp who has eyes for only one man and that man isn’t fucking me. I can’t catch their conversation because they are too far away but I know that if I can get over there I can be part of it. Surely she depends on me as much as I do her. When I get close enough I catch the end of Major Ivy’s sentence.

  “You are always welcome to come back with me. I know exactly how to help you. I can’t believe you didn’t fucking ring me I would have been here to get you before the end of our phone call.”

  “You ok, Corp?” I say my heart in my mouth. Needing to know what she has to say but at the same time not wanting to know at all.

  “Oh yes, I’m good Jenson, Major Ivy here and I were friends during basic training and even afterwards. He’s offered me a place on their program and a place to stay while I get better.”

  I want him out right now; he smirks at me while she’s speaking and I want to rip his fucking head off because he knows exactly what he’s doing. His facial features goading me to bite.

  “You’re thinking of going?” I know the answer as soon as the question leaves my lips but I don’t want her to speak the words and confirm my greatest fears. There are no real feelings from him, every time I sneak a glance he’s smirking, but I know he wants to jump around screaming he’s won.

  “I think it might be the best idea, I’ve put on you far too much over the last few weeks.” There is no smile just pure guilt written all over her face.

  “Corp, you haven’t put anything on me, I want to be with you. Everything I’ve done has been because I wanted to do it, not because you made me. Can we have a talk in private? Just give me ten minutes please.” She nods her head at me and I lead her to the room I use as my office.

  Chapter 16

  Jodi

  As I follow Jenson to his office I think over lance’s words. “We can help you Jodi. There are things out there that he doesn’t even know about, things only available to us. And I’ll keep you safe, I won’t let anyone hurt you, get close to you or taunt you any longer. I’ll also make sure that you don’t feel like you are putting on anyone, the only person who will be there to help you through all of this will be me.” I don’t exactly want to put on Lance but my feelings for Jenson are now more than I care to admit to out loud.

  “You really think leaving now is best for you?” Jenson says as soon as the door closes behind us.

  “I don’t know, I just know I’ve changed your whole life in the last few weeks, months or whatever it is and I feel really fucking bad. Leaving now will give you your life back.”

  “My life back, my fucking life back are you fucking serious right now? This,” his hands fly around us and the room, “this is my whole fucking life! No I didn’t ask for this, I fucking want it. I want to be your shoulder, I want to be the person who can help you, be here for you, help you take over the world if that is what you want.” His words are a desperate plea falling on almost deaf ears.

  “I can’t.”

  “No you fucking won’t! Don’t spew your shit; just be honest with me. For years I’ve worshipped the ground you have walked on. I obeyed your every command while we trained and toured, we lost touch for a while, and then found each other when you were reaching your lowest point so surely you see that we share more than just a situation.” I do, I really do see it.

  “I can’t do this!”

  “You can’t do what? Admit the real situation here?”

  “No I’m breaking you; me leaving will help you as much as it will help me.” Jenson’s face falls.

  “You really decided already didn’t you?” As soon as I nod my head he drops his head into his hands. “I don’t trust him; I don’t want you to walk out of here with anyone other than me. I won’t be there to pick up the pieces when he breaks you further.”

  “Jenson, he won’t break me further, there are only shreds of the real me left and he will fix me. When I come back you won’t recognise me.” He shakes his head but doesn’t look up at me.

  I look out the window at the group chatting to Major Ivy and Sergeant Ford then turn back to Jenson, my Jenson. “I’ll come back when I’m better, you won’t even remember this me.”

  “If you believe that then you won’t ever come back because the only way I’d forget you is if I’d never met you or if I die.”

  “I swear I’ll get better and come back here to show you I wasn’t always like this.”

  “I fucking know what you were like before this, I served under you for years, I’m not disillusioned about who you are, don’t take me as someone who doesn’t know you baby. I know you better than I sometimes know myself and maybe even better than you know yourself.”

  His words stop me in my tracks, calling me baby like it’s something he uses regularly makes my heart beat speed up. “Baby?” His face falls.

  “I want you to stay. I want to win this war you are fighting with you. Corp, Jodi please don’t leave with him. I want to be the one to help you, please.” His pleas don’t fall on deaf ears.

  “I really have to go, I really have to get better, I’m dragging you down into a place where we will never come back from.” His eyes swim with tears matching my own.

  “If you leave now, I’ll be there anyway. Do you not get that? Do you not understand that I needed to do this with you? It wasn’t a choice. When you rang me there was no thought in my mind, everything screamed at me to be here it was simple.”

  “Simple how exactly? Go help poor Corp get her shit together, make her dependant on only me then get all the credit.”

  “That’s what you think? That’s how you see me?” My lack of words prompts him further. “If that’s what you think then maybe its best you go, I would never make you stay, I only want the best for you. Maybe I am blind to you, but you Corp are fucking blind to what is really going on here.” He gets up and walks out the room leaving me stunned into silence. I grab a tissue from the box sitting on the desk and wipe the stream of tears running down
my face. I sit for what feels like hours but can only be ten minutes, before the tears stop and I can leave the room.

  Major Ivy walks up to me, “Where is Cory? I need to speak to him.”

  “He left after he walked out that room.” He points to the same room I just vacated. When my face falls he pulls me into him and hugs me close. “Don’t worry about it Jodi, I’ll keep you safe, honey.”

  The sessions ends about an hour later, after Major Ivy and Sergeant Ford talk to each person individually marking out the things that they can help with and giving out information to a few of the other none related military PTSD sufferers to help towards their kind of therapy, also with promises that they will be in attendance for the next six to eight weeks.

  “You ready Jodi? We can swing by yours and grab your stuff before heading to mine.”

  “We are going to your house?”

  “Yes, it’s safe there and no one knows you or will be able to get to you.”

  His words are comforting but my head is screaming at me to speak to Cory once more before I leave. I’m not changing my mind about leaving but I need to make sure Cory is ok.

  Jenson

  I had to leave, I couldn’t sit there and listen to him spew his bullshit to my Corp or any of the other people who have been in my group with me all this time. I can’t even give a valid excuse to why she shouldn’t leave with him. But my head is screaming at me that it’s all wrong and that I won’t be there to protect her anymore. As soon as we had finished speaking, well as soon as her real feelings were in full force, I left. I didn’t even give an excuse to my leaving I just walked out and didn’t look back until I had all my shit out of her house.

  It took a while, I swear I didn’t linger but as I was driving away I saw her pass me in the passenger seat of Major Ivy’s car. My heart drops but if this is the road she wants to travel then who am I to change her mind?

  Pulling up on my drive is the most foreign feeling and my heart just won’t re-join my body, I want to drive back and drag her away from that man but I can’t, it’s not my place.

  When I enter my house it smells musty and unlived in. This isn’t my home now. My heart is screaming at me to get the hell out of dodge and get back to the woman who has undoubtedly become that place. Shit!

  Jodi

  I watched him drive pass me and away from my house just before we pulled in; my heart bottomed out at the thought of not seeing him each and every day. I set the pace when we exited the car and get through the door without searching my surroundings. When it fits back into place I lift the catch and see my tormentor smiling at me, he knows what I did. I sent away the person who was made to protect me but I can’t think about Cory now. I need to just get sorted, leave this place and get better before I do more damage to him than I already have.

  “What is wrong Jodi?” Lance’s voice startles me from my thoughts and I drag myself away from the door.

  “Nothing, just thinking. Ok, I’m going to pack some stuff.” I leave him standing there and climb the stairs to my room, dragging the suitcase from the top of my wardrobe and on to my bed before I can’t see through the fog of tears that fall silently.

  I feel arms around me and sink into the warmth of the hug dragging me from my extreme fear.

  “It’s ok baby, don’t worry I will help you get better. I can stop all these feelings I can rid you of the feelings you are having. Let me help you make it better.” The voice doesn’t belong to who I want it to but the words are what I want to hear. I pull my head from the chest I’m cuddled into. “You ready?”

  “I need some clothes and stuff.”

  “Ok, let’s pack you some stuff.” Lance rises from our position on my bedroom floor and pulls me up into his arms again. “Clothes first and then we can grab anything else on the way out.”

  I just nod and he walks us to my wardrobe pulling out everything I nod my head at. He walks away from me when my suitcase is almost full and rummages through the only drawer pulling out my underwear and packing the best bits into my suitcase. I’d rather have done that myself but I can’t even bring myself to tell him to stop because my emotions are all over the place. He grabs shoes next but I don’t even watch, I can’t watch. I don’t want to leave here. But is being here the thing that’s stopping me from getting better?

  Chapter 17

  Cory

  Six weeks. Six weeks of lonely desperate nights; no meetings, no visitors and no Jodi. You don’t realise how much you depended on someone until they are taken away from you. I don’t even know if he has helped her at all. I’m broken. Drowning my sorrows in the bottom of whatever bottle I can get my hands on. I’m lucky to live so close to a shop because that’s as far as I get.

  Pounding on my door lifts my head from the leather sofa; I swear there’s a print from my body welding into the seat. Who the hell is banging on my door at this time in the morning? Maybe it’s her, maybe she’s back.

  “Cory you better fucking answer this damn door right now. Last warning before I kick your door in.” I know who it is but I don’t want to talk to her right now. I hear the wood splinter a few seconds later, damn this girl is crazy. At least twice a week since Jodi left she’s been coming over screaming through the letterbox but I’ve managed to ignore the door meaning she’s left me the fuck alone.

  “You’re a fucking asshole Cory, we have been calling you, popping over to see you and you have done nothing but ignore us.” She gets right up in my face while she screams at me; I pick up the bottle of vodka from beside my chair and raise it to my lips. “Are you fucking for real?” She drags the bottle from my hand a flings it across the room where it pounds off the TV on the centre of the wall smashing the screen while the vodka explodes all over the place.

  “For fucking hell sake Emily, just get out!”

  “No I fucking wont. You need to sort out your shit; can you see Jodi wanting to come back when you’re like this?”

  “She left, she isn’t coming back don’t you fucking get that? I could have helped her, I wanted to be that person for her and she left with some prick who I know couldn’t give two flying fucks whether she gets better or not.”

  “So you just decide to drink your life away because she left thinking she was going to get help. How do you know she isn’t hurting just as bad as you are?”

  “Don’t spew your shit at me Emily, she left. I’ve rang her. Do you honestly think I haven’t tried to find out how she is? Why are you really here?”

  “Well first and foremost to sort you the hell out. You stink, your house is a hovel and we need you back at meetings.”

  “What are you not telling me?”

  “Go get washed, honestly, I can’t talk to you seriously until you don’t smell like week old dirty socks.” She sits on the edge of my sofa as if she’s going catch some sort of disease. Fucking hell it’s not that fucking bad. “I won’t tell you again Cory, go fucking get cleaned up. We need to talk.”

  “Talk then, because I’m not doing shit all else except going to replace the vodka you just smashed across my TV and wall.” She sits there glaring at me. “Fucking fine.” I say stamping out of the room and up the stairs, I fucking hate people.

  I turn on the shower and strip out of the clothes I’ve probably had on for a few days. I can’t remember exactly when I last washed but as soon as I step into my shower the water beats off my tense body, leaving me cradling my knees on the floor. My tears washing away with the pressure from the shower head.

  I stay there for what feels like hours before I drag myself up and scrub my body with the shower gel I have hanging in there. I use it to wash my hair also, shit its getting so long I can run my fingers through it; I’ve had nothing but short back and sides since I was a teen.

  When I climb out I realise I have no towel in here. I stand looking at the mirror above the sink, I recognize the man standing looking at me and I recognize the pain screaming from him. My face looks like it has aged and the torment that’s in my eyes makes me look s
lightly possessed. I grab my razor and shave off the hair that almost covers my face. Then I pluck the tooth brush from the holder making sure my teeth look better. I’ve air dried while doing this stuff so I drag the door open and huff into my room where there’s more evidence that I’ve been neglecting myself; there’s shit everywhere. The bed has never been slept in; the bag of shit I took to Corp’s house has been thrown and has landed haphazardly on the floor with my stuff spewing from inside. This isn’t who I want to be; this isn’t the man I’ve been for the last few years and all because I started to depend on someone, want someone.

  Jodi

  Honestly I wake up every day hoping to see him, nothing has changed there is no reprieve from the complete head fuck I was in before. Well actually there is, now it’s worse.

  Six weeks, I’ve been cooped up in this house with Lance and for those six weeks he’s done nothing to help me, nothing to chase the man with the gun away. He followed us here and still plays with my mind. Six weeks of drowning myself in the spirits Lance goes to the shop for. We drink together and eat together but I can tell he wants more. He wants me to thank him for getting me away from there, from my home and the people I need the most. He wants me to repay his kindness and he tells me every time we drink. Every meal he puts down for me, I push around the plate hoping to just get through another day hoping he doesn’t see through the lies I tell him so he lets me leave. The problem is I’ve been trying to persuade him to let me leave since my second day here, after he screamed at me that everything is all in my head and I just need to get over myself, that I’m better now.

  It’s a relief when he leaves for the day, when he isn’t watching my every move, handing me vodka after vodka. Where he goes I have no idea, I presumed he was still part of our regiment until we arrived at his house which is nowhere near a base. When I asked he just shrugged it off, never to be mentioned again.