Her Delayed War

by R. J. Nicolson

  “When we have sat with her for a little one of us will come switch with you ok son?” Cal says patting Cory on the shoulder.

  “Same goes for you Emily, I promise.” I say before turning back to the doctor. “Take us to our daughter please.” He nods and leads the way.

  Chapter 25

  Cory

  I’ve paced this damn room until my legs are physically worn out and aching, my mouth is like sandpaper and my head is about to explode. Emily has slept on the hard ugly blue plastic seats for the last, fuck if I know how long.

  I mean I didn’t expect them to only stay five minutes with her but shit they could have come back and let me know how she was, what was happening and when I could see her.

  Every time the door opens I spin around thinking it’s them but it’s not, it’s never them. I sink down the wall, it’s the only bit free from chairs, and rest my head in my knees, hands grabbing at the hair on my head. The pain takes away the anxiety I feel, if only temporarily.

  “Cory son, wake up.” I hadn’t even realised I’d fallen asleep and I have to release the death grip on my hair. Flicking my head to the side slightly, I see Cal has sunk to the same position as me on the floor against the wall. “You can go in and see her but son she doesn’t look good. She isn’t awake and I think they are keeping her sedated for a while yet. She has bandages around her neck and …” his voice trails off and I can hear the tears that have probably fallen in the extra husk of his voice.

  “Thank you Cal.” I stand and walk toward the doors. He stays exactly as he is, mirroring the position I imagine he saw me in.

  The door leading to Jodi seems to shrink in front of me. taking my entry and shoving me against the wall. I feel like I should be the male Alice from Alice in Wonderland, drinking odd bottles of whatever or eating shit to get through the door to my world, my future, my life.

  “You must be Cory Jenson?” It’s a question I should be able to answer but cats got my tongue and when I don’t answer I feel myself being propelled forward by a nurse decked in green. “Don’t be shy; I’m sure she would love to hear your voice.” Then she whisks me through the door that feels too small for me, but takes me into some strange twilight universe.

  “Cory,” Diane’s voice kills me on the spot. I swear I don’t make it more than a foot into the room before I’m floored.

  “Oh fuck!”

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I swear, I’m sorry.” Words pour seemingly silent but ring around the room.

  “Cory, Cory, Cory please don’t. Please don’t cry. Please don’t make this her end, stop making it like she’s gone. Cory.” The words don’t only crumple the last remaining string of life I believe I’ve held onto to. They kill my soul.

  “CORY!”

  I turn as quick as I can and full barrel down the corridor past the waiting room and out the main entrance doors where I fall onto the grass without taking a breath.

  Diane

  “Cal?” I say when I make it to the waiting room. He looks straight at me from the couched position he’s in on the floor. “We need to find Cory, honey he’s hurting.”

  “I’ll go find him; you should both be with Jodi.” Emily says, pulling herself up from the chairs she’s been sleeping on.

  “Thank you Emily, but Cal will go if you want to come and sit with her for a little bit.”

  “I’ll find him first, you guys go sit with her. I’ll bring him back if I can.”

  “Thank you, sweetheart.” I hug her as she passes me. I love this girl. “You coming, Cal?”

  “Of course! You want to tell me why he left?”

  “He’s really hurting. I think he blames himself and when he saw how she looks it spooked him.”

  “I felt the same, can’t blame the lad.” He takes my hand and leads me to our daughter.

  We are stopped at the doors that lead to Jodi’s room by a nurse.

  “Sorry you can’t go in there right now. Seems your daughter is very strong willed; as soon as you all left her room she thought she should follow you and ripped her own ventilator out. The doctors are in there with her now. She was trying to scream out and was whispering for Cory; so they are going to sedate her and bring her round again tomorrow.” She gives us a small smile. “I’ll let you know as soon as you are allowed to come back in.” She turns and enters Jodi’s room leaving us staring at the closing door.

  Cory

  The dew on the grass soaks into my jeans, freezing my legs but I’m numb. If that bastard wasn’t already dead I’d be over there inflicting whatever he did to my princess on his body. I’d torture him like he tortured her. The sound of screaming reaches my ear but I don’t realise it’s me until Emily wraps my huge frame in her tiny arms.

  “It’s ok Cory.” She whispers against my ear. “She will be ok.”

  I just shake my head, pain radiating around my body.

  “Did you see her?” I ask and she shakes her head. “How can she get better? Her demons were taking her already then he robbed what was left of her. I barely recognised her Emily. I barely recognised the girl I’ve been in love with all these years.”

  “They warned us she was badly bruised and on machines Cory.” I nod. I know I fucked up running out but it’s my fault she’s in there. If I’d just stopped her from going with him instead of allowing her to leave with him; she wouldn’t be in this situation. If I’d manned up and told her how I felt about her, she wouldn’t have gone with him. She would be healing right now instead of being in whatever the hell state she is in there.

  “It’s my fault.”

  “Cory, none of this is your fault, you tried to help her and for a little while you thought it was working, it was her decision to go with him and even though it was a really bad one, she made it herself. You are not to blame for any of that, neither are you the one who put her in here. We just have to be thankful she is here and getting the care she needs right now. Stop blaming yourself. Right now isn’t the time to crumble, right now she needs us all to be as strong as we can and she needs us to be there for her.” She releases her grip on my neck and stands. “You freaked her mum and dad out running like that, you know? These people love you and don’t blame you for any of this.”

  My jeans are soaked and stuck to my skin in ways that make them rub and hurt my skin as we walk back into the hospital. Emily made me see that this is not the time to have a meltdown, now is the time to finish what we started and help Jodi get better just as we set out to. No more worrying about my feelings time to focus on my Corp.

  “Son.” I hear and a small smile crosses my face.

  “Yes Sir?”

  “She was looking for you.”

  “Shit, she’s awake already? She was on a ventilator, how is that even possible?”

  “She’s not awake now as they have sedated her again, they are going to try and bring her around tomorrow.”

  “She asked for me?” My heart screams at me for leaving so abruptly but my head tells me to let it go.

  “The nurse told us she pulled everything out and tried to leave searching for you.”

  “Shit.” I sit down next to him with Emily on my other side.

  “Emily, sweetie, go sit with Diane and Jodi, it’s about time you had your turn.” Cal says and Emily jumps from her seat and practically sprints from the room.

  “Wow, that girl’s a firecracker. You wouldn’t think that after everything that she would look at the world the way she does.”

  “I know and I’m a prick. I’ve screamed at her and almost left her behind earlier. I feel like I’ve took advantage of her kindness and friendship for the last few months. I’m a fucking despicable person who shouldn’t be allowed to be around your daughter or my own fucking friend.”

  “You’re not son; you’re a human being who has been through so much in such a short time. You have emotions stronger than most because you were in a situation where they were made to be a prominent factor inside you. You suffered and tried to do something about it which wo
uld have resulted in the world being less one exceptional man. Do you even realise how much you help those people that come to your group? Do you realise that you’re one of the few men to set something like this up?” His eyes are clouded with unshed tears.

  “How do you know so much about me about what I do?”

  “Cory, Son, I do my best to fucking know everyone. I do my best to find out everything I can about other people, I couldn’t find out anything about that sick prick but you did. I know you’re blaming yourself son, I blame myself also, but know this; you did everything you could and you brought our girl home. Now she’s going to fight to become who she was before all of this shit and we are all going to be there to make sure it happens properly.”

  “How are you so calm and strong?” I can’t help the question.

  “Oh son, I’m anything but calm right now, but I’m her dad and if there is one thing I want for that girl it’s for her to be ok. For her to be ok and happy.”

  “So two things?” I can’t help the laughter that escapes me.

  “Fuck, I’d give myself up for those two women of mine.”

  “I’d trade my life for hers in a heartbeat too.” I say without realising.

  “I know you would, that’s why I call you my son.”

  Our conversation ends and I know whatever happens, I’ve found myself a friend. I swear my heart is hurting like no one’s should ever have to. I’m not fucking soft. I’ve been known as a jackass and a fucked up mess but I’ve never been soft, well not in public but again the tears tear through me.

  Chapter 26

  Emily

  I hate silence.

  I hate sitting here knowing she was awake and now she’s not.

  I hate that her mother looks like she’s aged a million years. Not that I know her well, I only know her because of all this shit but she’s aged. Why can’t life be simple? Grow up, find a decent man, live an amazing life, have kids, a family and grow old in normal time. Why is it between us all we have the worst kind of shit lives.

  “Can you tell me about your face?” I jump when Diane speaks.

  “Erm sure. What do you want to know?”

  “Everything.”

  So I tell Diane everything, not even stopping when she sobs and puts her hand over her mouth in horror. It took me years to tell this story without breaking down, now it’s as easy as breathing and the shame I once felt is not there anymore.

  “Acid.”

  “Yes. Lots of operations lots of pain, god the pain is the worst by far. But I’m here. Many times I didn’t want to be; many times I wished it would just end. It didn’t and I’m here with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. I have scars that will always be there but apart from people staring, I can almost forget about them. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t always think this way and I’ve tried to end my life but when I found out I had PTSD and found Cory’s group and a therapist who knows what they were doing, I figured out pretty quickly that I still have me. I’m still here, it’s never easy to live but it’s easier for me to live than to let what happened take me away.”

  “Do you think we can fix my girl?” She asks on a sob.

  “I don’t think she’s lost forever but she has a long road ahead and I’ll be there for her. Cory will be there for her also.” I feel the need to make sure she knows but then she laughs lightly through her tears.

  “I don’t doubt for one moment that he will be. You know he came to us very drunk? That boy loves my girl. We are routing for him. Love is a funny thing Emily.”

  “I know.”

  Cory

  “Hey sweetie, Cal and I are going to head home for a quick shower and change can you sit with her?” It’s been weeks and we have all sat here for weeks. Every time they try to bring her around, she starts trashing around like her body is possessed and they have to knock her out again. The chance of brain damage is high, we have been told. They are going to try again today, but they won’t do it when her parents aren’t here I’m sure, so I nod at Diane’s request.

  “Thank you, we won’t be long, do you need anything?”

  “Nah, I’m good thanks.” Even though I know I’ll freak out like I always do when I see her. I’ve been reacting better than the first time I entered her room; I can sit near her now and not need to run away but it’s took some doing.

  “Thank you, Son.” Cal pats my shoulder; I swear I wish this man was my dad.

  I stand and walk towards Jodi’s room; when I enter the physical differences are so clear to see. She doesn’t have a huge tube stuck down her throat but she still has something giving her oxygen and some shit in her hands pumping sleepy drugs into her. I stand a safe distance away from her while checking out her healing sores. She looks more like the girl I fell in love with, except her hair is longer than I have ever seen it. Her eyes are hidden but I know that the terror she was feeling before will still be in them.

  “Oh hey there. We are here to wake her up again. Do you want to grab the chair and maybe hold her hand?” Shit, I’ve never been here for this; I don’t feel comfortable enough to do it.

  “No! Shouldn’t you wait for parents to get back? They only just left to grab a shower.”

  “They didn’t tell you that they wanted you to be here this time? I mean you can leave, but everything has been discussed and everyone thinks that because she seems to have been searching for you, that maybe you can calm her enough to make her come around without all the stress we have gone through every other time.”

  “They tricked me?” Shit, if I didn’t love them so much I’d be cursing them out loud so hard right now.

  “What do I have to do?”

  “Just hold her hand and be ready for when it happens.” Fucking great, that fucking helps tonnes. Not.

  I sit very slowly in the chair beside her. I swear I have no clue what they are doing to her but whatever it is, it takes them a lifetime. The results are fucking slow going. We all sit in anticipation for what seems like forever when Jodi starts to thrash against the bed. Shit this is absolute torture.

  “Talk to her Cory.” I freeze, floored because they can’t think this is right. “Just tell her you are here, something simple.”

  “Corp, I’m here.” I say gripping her hand which isn’t exactly easy. “Jodi, baby, I’m here. Please Corp, please breathe, please princess, I’m here.” My reaction is quick, maybe quicker than my brain can catch up with. I stand and still holding her hand, I reach out and touch her face with my free one. “Baby, don’t fight it I’m here. I’m here, please stop thrashing around. I’m here, I’m here.” Her body relaxes slightly.

  “We are going to have to sedate her again, her heart rate is spiking she’s in danger of a cardiac arrest.”

  Fuck.

  “Please Corp, listen to me. I’m here, please calm down and open your eyes for me, follow my voice and come back to me. I need you. I need you to come back to me; I need you to use me as your anchor because you are mine. Please princess, come home.” Her whole body sinks into the bed, completely still and I worry they administered something to make her sleep again without me knowing. I look up to the nurse and her small smile makes me see my words have helped.

  I swear I can’t breathe; I can’t fathom what is going on. Something is going terribly wrong and I start to release her hand when I hear a shout across the room.

  “Don’t let her go, keep talking to her.” I swallow hard and look up to the doctor. “She’s responding to you keep talking.” So I do.

  “I really love you, come back to me; come back to your mam and dad, come home. We need you Corp, we need you; we need you more than we need to breathe. We miss you more than life itself. Fuck I need you; I need you to need me even when you don’t. I can’t live without you, you trigger me baby.”

  Her eyes flicker and my mouth as well as my heart drops.

  “She’s coming around. Her parents were right she needed to hear him.”

  I’m struck dumb at his words, this doctor is obvious
ly wrong she isn’t awake, she’s just calm.

  “I can’t be here right now.” I say, just as he holds his hand up in front of me. Her eyes flutter open and her mouth moves silently. I lean in dumbfounded. This is real, tell me this is real.

  Chapter 27

  Jodi

  I can’t seem to catch my breath enough to speak but I know it’s Cory who has his face as close to mine as possible without kissing me. I try to focus on him but I feel so damn tired, my eyes are lazy and flutter shut just as quick as they opened.

  “Fuck, is she ok?” I hear the panic in his voice as clear as I heard everything he said, everything he spoke just to me.

  “She’s going to be in and out for a while yet, but she woke up, you saw exactly what I saw and it will happen again, just give her time and keep her company.”

  “She will wake up again though, right?” His panic draws me eyes to flutter again. “Baby, can you hear me?”

  “Y…….” my voice won’t work, there is nothing but air escaping from me and breathing is really hard. My free hand lifts towards my throat but the doctor sensing what I’m about to do, comes around and moves it gently back towards my side.

  “Jodi, you need to not touch your throat. The surgeon operated to fix the damage there so it is heavily dressed right now.” My eye lids drop and the tears fall down the sides of my face. Flashes of what happened assault me like it’s happening all over again. I squeeze the fingers I’m holding.

  “It’s ok Corp; you are safe now I will never let anyone harm you again. He will never harm you again.” I’m struggling now but my eyes flutter open before shutting again.