Her Delayed War

by R. J. Nicolson

Cory

  “She is sleeping Cory, don’t worry it will be like this for a while. Even when someone has been unconscious the body doesn’t realise that that is a sleeping state so someone waking from that tends to be extremely tired for a while after.”

  I feel like he is talking to me like I’m a child but I appreciate it to no ends because I have no fucking clue what is going on.

  I don’t know how long I have sat here beside her while I’ve watched her sleep but knowing she could open those beautiful eyes at any time has me glued to her side. When I feel a hand lock on my shoulder, I have to prise my eyes away to see who it is.

  “Cal I’m sorry, I didn’t hear the door, she woke up. She looked at me. Where is Diane?”

  “She is just grabbing you some coffee. We know she woke, the doctor rang us son, but we knew you were here for her.” He smiles at me then walks to the other side of the bed and pulls up a chair. “Hey princess, mum will be here shortly. Don’t worry, next time you open those eyes we will see you.”

  “Do you want me to leave you both?” I ask, tentatively crossing my fingers that he says no because I don’t know if I can handle being separated from her right now.

  “No son, she needs us all. The doctors are happy to allow us in together now that she’s woken up.”

  “Coffee Cory?” Shit I didn’t hear the fucking door again, I think as soon as my body calms from the shock of her words.

  “Thank you Diane.” I take the coffee and roll it around in my hand before taking a sip and moaning at the richness as it slides around my mouth.

  “Mmmm.”

  “Taste good, son?” I nod and smile.

  “So, she couldn’t speak?”

  “No.” Tears well in my eyes as I look at Cal, his eyes mirror mine with heartache that I know I feel also. “Just puffs of air. She was struggling to catch her breath also, but the doctor thinks it’s normal.”

  “Yeah, he said she might not be able to speak properly for a while.”

  “He never really mentioned anything to me about that but he told me she would be sleeping a lot even though that is all she has done.”

  Diane is still standing at the bottom of the bed. Reluctantly I pull my hand from Jodi’s and rise. “Diane sit down here, you have not stopped for days.”

  “Cory, you sit your ass back in that chair before you hit the deck.” She almost shrieks at me and I try my best not to shrink back at her words. I don’t understand why these people don’t hate me.

  I see her eyes flutter at the same time as her dad does and when she opens her eyes again all of us are in her face.

  “Princess!”

  “Honey!”

  “Baby!”

  We all speak at exactly the same time. She looks tentatively between us all and her mouth opens but no words leave her lips.

  “If I got you a pen, could you write it down?” I ask, thinking of a way she can use her voice silently. When she nods I run out to the nurse’s station. “Can I have a pen and note pad.”

  “Of course, hold on two ticks.” I swear I tap my foot against the ugly ass tiles of the flooring in my haste to be back in there, needing to know what she wants to tell us. When the nurse returns with what I asked for I hightail it back to her room on the echoes of “Please walk Mr Jenson.”

  “Here you go baby.” I say without thinking and her lips move slightly, I swore I wouldn’t think of her this way but screw that; my heart rules over everything where this girl is involved.

  What happened?

  Shit!

  “Honey that doesn’t matter right now, all that matters is that you get better.” Diane says from the seat she refused to take from me before.

  Where is Mohammad?

  “Do you feel like he is here?”

  No.

  “Can you remember anything?” She nods slowly and then pulls her hand up almost touching her neck.

  “Sweetheart, please don’t touch your neck.” Her dad says.

  Jenson, what is going on?

  I’m leaning over the back of her mum to read what she is writing and know that she needs me to tell her everything but I doubt now would be a good time to do it.

  “Baby you are safe now, you will never have to go through anything like that again, I swear.” She slightly nods and my heart hurts at the fact she actually wanted my opinion, just as her eyes flutter shut again. “Is she sleeping again?”

  “Cory, she is probably going to sleep more then she is going to be awake for a long time yet.” Diane states.

  Hours pass, hours that feel like days; I’d swear I was losing my mind if not for the fact the that the sun is just setting for the first time when the door opens and Emily is tentatively making her way into the room.

  “Can I come in?”

  My heart hurts, her face shows her worry and I made her feel that way.

  “Of course sweetheart, she’s still sleeping right now but it’s been a fair few hours since she woke so we are hoping it’s not too long until she wakes again.” Diane says with Cal nodding.

  Chapter 28

  Jodi

  The air chokes me when I wake again and the resistance of the wires that hold me captive aren’t as captivating as they first appeared to be.

  The rush of air that leaves my lungs startles the person on my right and has my eyes drawn to theirs.

  “Jodi?” Emily questions. Shit I haven’t lost my mind surely she knows that already.

  “P…” Fucking hell. I raise my hands and mime drawing and she reaches for the paper.

  “Sorry Jodi.”

  With the pen and paper in hand I feel a little more in line then before.

  “I’ve missed you, Jodi.”

  I’ve missed you too.

  “We tried to find you. We had Terry try finding where you were but he couldn’t.”

  Tell me quickly what is going on. Everytime I try to speak someone sticks something into me and I lose myself.

  “You’re just recovering; well your body is, no one is sticking anything in you. I can’t figure it all out, only you know what happened all those months you were gone.”

  I nod as my mind and body return to the doom and gloom its endured of late.

  “Well, do you remember leaving with Lance?” When I nod, she continues, “He kind of went off the planet and just before he was killed, he tried to kill you.”

  I remember. I remember all of that. Where is everyone?

  “Cory is talking to some MP’s and your parents are at home showering.”

  Have the doctors been around?

  “Yes, they were here not long ago. God Jodi, I miss your voice.”

  When I try to speak so she can hear me, it’s like a wisp of air that crackles into nothing.

  It’s not working. Can you tell me how bad the damage is?

  “I don’t know Jodi, I’m sorry.” When I nod at her, her face falls showing me she’s lying. The door opens slowly before I get the chance to question her more.

  “Hey baby.” I love that he just calls me sweet things now, I hear him talking to me when he thinks I’m sleeping and it warms my heart.

  “H……” For god sake man, stupid voice.

  Hey.

  “How are you feeling?” He asks as he gets closer to the bed.

  Sleepy.

  When he nods, I write some more.

  Tell me what is happening.

  “Nothing is happening, you are recovering. Everything will be fine baby.”

  I know you are lying, both of you have guilty faces. Just tell me.

  “Wait until your mam and dad are here, we will grab the doctor and he will tell you everything if you are still awake, ok?”

  When I nod, my eyes start drooping and the silent groan leaves my body just as Jenson grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles. “Sleep baby, your parents will be here soon and we will sort everything out then.”

  I try to nod but I know my body just doesn’t comply and sleep has stolen me once again.

  Cory


  “Fucking hell Emily, what the fucking hell am I supposed to tell her? What are her parents supposed to tell her?”

  “Cory lets go outside. She might hear you talking and then she will react worse.”

  We stand and I kiss her forehead before we leave the room.

  “Shit Emily, her vocal cords might be fucked.” She nods and we continue towards the exit. I swear if I smoked I’d have lit up as soon as we crossed the threshold. I’d be on my second one now. Shit I wish I smoked.

  “They said she could regain some speech but it might never be right.”

  “I know but shit her voice Emily, she’s gonna freak. Then this other major thing; I can’t be the one who tells her about that.”

  “No, we wait for her parents and make them tell her. Then we will be there for her in whichever way she needs us to be. I wouldn’t blame you if you ran.”

  “Maybe not, but I’d fucking blame myself. I know we talked about this and I was going to just be her friend but I can’t be that; I want all of her, even the new pieces, I just hope she will have me when she finds out.”

  “Son? Emily? Why are you out here?” I turn and face Cal and Diane. “Is she ok?”

  “She is sleeping. She wants answers Cal, I told her when you got here we would get a doc and fill her in.” He nods.

  “Always was demanding.” Cal states and Diane laughs from his side.

  “No Cal, you just spoilt her silly. But I think it’s time anyway, I feel bad keeping this so quiet.” We all nod before Diane grabs my hand and pulls me towards the entrance.

  “You ok with all of this Cory?” I nod before answering.

  “I’m all in, if she will have me.”

  “She wants you.” She pulls me along towards the one person who grounds me and ruins me all at the same time.

  It’s time to face the truth, time to let my baby know exactly what kind damage was created in the three months she wasn’t with me.

  Chapter 29

  Cory

  Five long hours, I mean it’s a drop in the ocean to some of the time we have sat between bouts of her waking. But five hours when you are sitting on something you can’t hold in any longer is fucking hellish torture. We planned it out right outside the room but my head is all in mush now and I can’t remember the order we do this.

  Her eyes flicker open and she smiles at all of us individually. Shit, this is gonna be so bad for me if she doesn’t feel like I do.

  Before I can even think my mouth opens. “Baby, do you know how much I love you?” Everyone audibly releases a gasp except the one person I want to hear. Shit.

  “For god sake Cory, we had this planned out.” Emily whisper shouts from beside me. I shrink backwards, worried I fucked this before it even started to unravel.

  “Cal, grab a doctor from outside please.” Diane says and Cal jumps up and leaves straight away.

  I don’t know how we all missed it but Jodi holds up her pad of paper.

  For what it’s worth I think I loved you first.

  Floored.

  Diane elbows me in the ribs with an ‘I told you so look on her face.’ Shit!

  The doctor and Cal enter the room before I’ve recovered enough to deny her claims.

  “Hello Jodi, I hear you want some answers.” When she nods he continues. “Well it seems your vocal cords were damaged when you received your injuries. We thought during surgery we had saved them but it’s looking like the damage was already too much. We are not saying you will never talk again but you will never have the full range of speech as before.” She’s calm as she nods her head at the doctor for him to continue. “We do need to discuss something else with you; do you feel up to it?”

  Shit. he’s going to tell her. I knew he would but I’ve watched her and know when she is ready to drop and right now isn’t exactly the right time.

  “Baby, you don’t have to hear this now.” It’s feeble and I know she will decline it.

  Just tell me. Please.

  “It seems your little one has survived everything you have been through, this baby is a fighter.” He states as if she knew already.

  A baby?

  She says while shaking her head, the horror wrapping inside her showing with every shake.

  “She didn’t know.” Diane says to the doctor and he stammers over his statement.

  “I’m sorry, I thought you must have known,” he’s looking between us all and all I want to do is floor his ass.

  “Get out!” I state as Emily wraps her arms around me and Cal moves between us all, shielding the doctor from my brutal response to his dick headedness.

  It’s his?

  The question is there but I know as well as everyone else that she doesn’t need an answer.

  “No, if you will have me, that baby is mine.” I say and everyone faces me with something between disgust and awe written across their faces. We didn’t discuss this, we discussed everything but.

  “Cory this is crazy, there are other things.”

  “We need to discuss this.”

  “You have no right to say this. She just woke up.”

  “Are you fucking insane?”

  “Shit.”

  No one leaves room to talk but when my princess opens her mouth and the air escapes loudly we all seize.

  I grab her hand and she pins me with a stare that I swear she’s never passed to me before. One where she knows I’m here for here, one that screams she wants me even now.

  “But, you have other options princess.” Cal says staring at me for the first time like I’m the enemy.

  “Baby, you have time to decide.”

  “Whatever you want to do, we all support you.” Emily says and even I can hear the lies in her voice.

  Is he really dead?

  She turns her paper to me.

  “Lance?” When she nods I nod also. “He will never hurt you again.”

  But I’ll have his baby?

  “By blood yes, but in here,” I point to my chest knowing that if she rejects me I’m fucked beyond words, beyond life itself. “Your baby is mine. Forever.

  Did you know before you told me you loved me?

  “Yes we all knew, but it changes nothing. I should have never let you go before, I just wasn’t helping you and didn’t want to stop you from getting better. I’m sorry it went so wrong but I love you. I always loved you.”

  Do you love me because of the baby?

  “Seriously? Wouldn’t it be easier to go out and find someone else? For fuck sake, I hate arguing with you but I want you, always have and always will.” Her face drops at my words and it’s like everyone else in the room have shrunk to nothing. No one speaks and despite the tension with her awake it’s the most peaceful I’ve felt in forever. Her hands shake on the paper but she takes a lifetime to write anything.

  I knew I loved you Jenson but I don’t know if I can do this now. Everything is raw there isn’t just me to think of.

  “Sweetheart, you don’t have to keep this baby.” Cal says from beside me and I feel the bile rise, knowing that even though I hate that bastard,this baby doesn’t deserve his punishment.

  “Can we have a minute alone?” I ask and without argument they all trail out.

  We both look at each other without speaking.

  “I….”

  You can’t stay.

  “Shut up, Corp.”

  Really?

  “Yes. I’m not leaving, I already lost you, I already had to face life with your parents without you, shit I had to face life with myself without you.”

  We have never been together really. Now I’m having a baby with someone and he tried to kill me. He tried to make me crazier than I already am.

  “You’re not crazy, you were off course for a while but now we have this chance to follow the right tracks and make our family a big one.” I cross my fingers praying she will see things my way.

  I can’t drag you into this. You have already done far too much for me.

  When I turn to hide the t
ears that need to leave me quickly, she grabs my attention and points to her paper.

  Cory I love you like I’ve never loved anyone but I won’t make someone give up their world for me, if our stories are supposed to be entwined then we will find our way back to each other. Right now I just need to figure everything out. I love you but I won’t allow myself to drag you down further.

  I don’t say anything as I swipe the tears from my face and hurry from the room. Her parents call for me as I leave but I don’t have it in my heart to turn around to answer them and I don’t have it in myself to see the pity written all over their faces.

  My heart hurts too much.

  Chapter 30

  Jodi

  5 months later

  Months of intense speech therapy and healing means my throat isn’t as bad but my vocal cords are still damaged, luckily I had the best surgeon who helped with the aftermath. Writing everything down was a fucking pain. I mean, I still struggle with breathlessness while I talk and every now and then I have to stutter the words out in parts but I’m getting there slowly. Painfully so.

  I fucking hate this place. I was moved from the hospital wing to a psychiatric ward which has a specialist who deals with PTSD patients. I feel out of place and group meetings aren’t the same as Cory’s groups. I miss my friends, I miss my parents, fuck I miss him also. Every session I ask the same question, how long do I have to stay here? Every answer is the same; as long as you need to be here. It’s frustrating as hell even though I know they are trying to help me.

  Mohammad is gone; I don’t see him anymore and I’m not scared of Lance because I know he’s dead but nothing is different. I’m still stuck in a vortex where my life has turned upside down and I lost one of the most important people in my life. Three months and around fifteen letters asking him to visit have passed me by. My bump is huge at six months and I waddle down the corridors unless I’m in my room thinking through my life decisions. I don’t regret my decision to tell him to get on with his life; I just hate the person I turned out to be. On a turnaround, I love the idea of having someone I can love just as much as I love Cory.