Kite Spirit

by Sita Brahmachari

  ‘And I’ve heard such wonderful things about you, Dr Sherpa,’ Ruby said.

  ‘Please, call me Ajay.’

  ‘Can I get you a cup of tea or coffee?’

  ‘Tea would be grand. Just milk, please, Ruby.’

  Dr Sherpa laid his hand on Kite’s forehead and took her temperature. He felt her pulse and got her to stick out her tongue. Then he asked her to count how many fingers he was holding up. ‘No dizziness or blurred vision?’

  Kite shook her head.

  ‘Physically you’re fine, no damage done,’ Dr Sherpa lowered his voice. ‘But how are you feeling in here?’ He tapped his chest and then his head. She knew what he meant.

  She shrugged.

  ‘I knew a young lad once from around here, took his own life. I brought him into this world and he seemed such a contented boy. Devastated that family, it did.’

  ‘But why . . . ?’ The question flew from her mouth. It was little more than a whisper.

  Dr Sherpa smoothed his hand over his forehead and face as if to wipe away the memory of the family’s pain.

  ‘People don’t talk much about depression in the young, but they should because it’s more common that you would think. Everyone expects you to be happy and full of life, but it can come upon people at any age. Life can throw some tough challenges at you.’

  ‘Do you think Dawn was depressed?’

  ‘I think she must have been. By the sound of it.’

  ‘But I was her best friend and I didn’t have a clue.’ Kite found the sound of herself talking about Dawn strange.

  ‘Do you think I’m depressed?’ she asked the doctor.

  ‘Certainly traumatized by your friend’s suicide. But the way you feel is understandable after what’s happened, and at least we’re all aware of it. What your friend had was probably something more long-term. Even so, I think when you get back home you should definitely try and speak to the counsellor, the way you’re starting to talk to me.’

  Dr Sherpa stared out of the window. ‘Have you seen how the morning mist settles down there in the valley?’

  Kite nodded.

  ‘Depression feels a bit like that, it creeps in on you and settles, until you think it’ll never lift, but in time it nearly always does. That’s why it’s so tragic if people don’t reach out to anyone when they feel low, because if they do, the mist will usually lift in the end.’

  Kite felt that since she’d stepped on to this hanging glass barge she had been floating through that valley of mist, but now that she knew what she had to do for Dawn, maybe it would start to lift.

  She woke to the homely smell of Ruby’s cooking.

  ‘Hungry?’ Ruby asked, smiling at her daughter’s wild hair and sleepy eyes as she wandered into the kitchen.

  ‘I come bearing mangoes from Manchester, and I’ve cooked up a Spanish omelette!’ Ruby tipped it from the sizzling pan on to a plate. Kite’s stomach rumbled as she took a thick slice. Ruby settled next to her and watched contentedly as Kite ate.

  ‘Where’s Seth?’

  ‘Gone off to look up records! He’s trying to find confirmation that his grandmother was Lily Storey. I think what he really wants to know is why his mum was adopted. I just hope he knows how steeped in secrecy these things can be.’

  Kite pictured her unopened birthday card under her pillow. Was it better to know?

  Dance

  ‘How did I get up here!’ Kite asked, opening her eyes and peering around the bedroom.

  ‘Seth carried you. After you ate you crashed out on the sofa again. You didn’t even stir when he picked you up. So, I see you haven’t flown your new kite.’ Ruby brought it through to her bedroom and hung it from a hook on the wall. ‘I can’t believe you haven’t even unpacked it yet!’

  ‘I didn’t know we’d brought it,’ Kite mumbled, staring at the bright colours against the stone wall. She was glad that Ruby had come.

  The intoxicating smell of her nail varnish filled the room.

  ‘What do you think?’ Ruby held her nails up to the light. ‘Green and silver with a touch of purple . . . homage to the Cumbrian countryside!’

  Kite laughed. It was what she loved about Ruby, the randomness of her, the fact that she seemed to get so much pleasure out of something as small as painting her nails.

  ‘Want me to do yours?’

  Kite nodded and held out her hands. While Ruby was concentrating on applying the varnish in smooth layers, Seth came sprinting up the glass staircase.

  He stood in the doorway, smiling at the scene before him.

  ‘Now that’s something I haven’t seen for a while . . . Am I interrupting?’

  ‘Yes!’ answered Ruby without looking up.

  He ignored her, strolled over and sprawled out at the opposite end of the bed, so that he was facing them both.

  ‘Well, did you find anything?’ asked Ruby.

  Seth shook his head. ‘According to the records, Lily’s two sisters and her brother are accounted for. Lily was the only one who lived here all her life, but she never married and she died here too. That was her grave Jack led us to the other day.’

  ‘You know, if your mum was given to a children’s home, there’s a good chance the birth might have been covered up,’ Ruby warned.

  ‘Maybe I’ll just have to accept that I’ll never know. The irony is that the person who could probably tell me can’t even talk!’

  It felt to Kite as if Seth was talking about Dawn. What if there was no way of uncovering exactly why she had ended her life, no way of knowing what she had been thinking and feeling at that moment? Kite peered into Seth’s dejected face. For the first time since Seth had set out on this family-history journey she began to understand how much this search meant to him. They were both looking for answers from beyond the grave.

  ‘Can’t Jack write it down?’ Ruby asked.

  Seth shook his head. ‘The stroke’s affected his coordination. Anyway, his hands are rigid with arthritis.’

  ‘Poor old man,’ Ruby sighed as she delicately layered the silver varnish on to Kite’s nails.

  Seth brightened suddenly. ‘As you’re doing yourselves up I thought I’d take my girls out on the town . . . well, not exactly town! I’ve got a gig in the Carrec Arms.’

  ‘Didn’t take you long to get in with the locals,’ Ruby laughed.

  ‘I’m family now, you know. If only I could work out how!’ Seth grinned.

  ‘I wonder if they’ll accept me into their fold.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ asked Kite, surprised. Ruby was usually so self-confident.

  ‘They’ll love you! Everyone does,’ Seth assured her.

  ‘I hope so! I started getting the countryside stare somewhere north of Lancaster!’

  Kite laughed as Ruby blew on her nails.

  ‘It’s no different than when I first went to St Kitts,’ Seth insisted. ‘I thought Grace would treat me like a tourist, but she made me feel at home straight away! It’s the same here. We’re all family, and you two belong in the Lake District as much as I do!’

  Seth seemed to want Ruby to love this place as much as he’d loved St Kitts. Kite supposed it was because, apart from her and Ruby, these people were the nearest thing he had to family. Kite saw now that this thing of ‘belonging’ that Dawn had fretted over was more important than she’d ever appreciated. Maybe the more connections you had with the world, the harder it was to break those ties.

  ‘Anyway, Dr Sherpa’s been one of the locals for years.’ Seth leaned over and kissed Ruby, and she kissed him back.

  ‘Don’t mind me,’ Kite groaned, but it felt good to be all together again. ‘How long are you staying?’

  The smile faded from Ruby’s face. ‘Darlin’, I have to be back in Manchester tomorrow, but you’re welcome to come with me.’

  Kite shook her head decisively.

  ‘Well, then the least I can do is yam up the freezer with food for you. You’re looking too skinny, my girl.’

  Seth placed a comfor
ting hand on Ruby’s back. ‘Right, I’m off to get a bit of practice in.’

  From upstairs they listened to him strumming away at a song that was familiar to Kite, except that he’d added a harmony that softened it and made it sound more contemporary.

  ‘There was a bonny lass

  Sat upon a stile

  I said to yonder lass

  Will we walk a while?

  Will we walk a while?

  O’er fell and stream?

  Then the bonny lass

  Broke into my dream

  There was a bonny lass

  I walked her to her door

  I said to yonder lass

  Will we walk some more?

  Will we walk some more?

  Fall in step with me

  For you and me, my lass

  Were surely meant to be.’

  ‘That’s a new one! It’s catchy. I like it,’ Ruby called down the stairs.

  ‘Actually it’s pretty ancient,’ Seth called back.

  The Gig

  Kite felt oddly self-conscious getting dressed up. She dabbed foundation on the egg-shaped bump above her scar-brow, but then glancing in the mirror, she thought it looked worse.

  She was wearing her denim miniskirt with one of Ruby’ silk scarves threaded around her waist to hold it up. She’d chosen a purple tie-dye T-shirt and her dirty once-white Converse. Ruby had given her a few plaits in the side of her hair and drawn it back into a loose knot. Kite felt like pulling them out because she could hide her bruise better without them, but she didn’t want to upset Ruby and so the plaits stayed.

  ‘There’s my beauty!’ she said. ‘Want to wear some earrings?’ Kite shook her head. She already felt over the top with her painted nails.

  They’d trundled halfway down the pot-holed track when Kite insisted on stopping. She almost let it slip that the only reason she needed to go back was to close the blinds, but she could do without getting into a conversation with Ruby about Agnes. Without discussing it, Seth and Kite had kept quiet about her notes, despite the fact that Ruby had commented several times that it was gruesome to see the owl’s markings splayed out against the window. If she thought that there was a crazy old woman writing notes to Kite, she might insist that she get on the train back to Manchester with her. So Kite made up the excuse of feeling cold and that she needed to go back in to grab her jacket.

  ‘You could have thought of that before,’ complained Ruby.

  When she’d run into the house and come back out again without it, Ruby had looked at her as if she was deranged.

  ‘I’m not cold any more.’ Kite shrugged.

  ‘You can always borrow my pashmina. Let’s make a move then. I haven’t seen anything of this countryside yet, except for this weird house.’

  ‘I thought you’d like it, Rubes,’ said Seth, looking a bit put out.

  ‘The views are to die for and I wouldn’t mind that wardrobe in Kite’s bedroom, but as Grandma Grace would say, “Eh, eh! Spiritless and fanciful.”’ Ruby winked at Kite in the back seat.

  Kite smiled to herself and held on to Grandma Grace’s St Christopher. Ruby was full of contradictions. For someone who professed not to believe in all of Grace’s ‘spirit talk’, Ruby had surprisingly strong reactions to places and people.

  They stopped at the stream and let their feet drift in the water, just as Kite had done on the first day. The air was full of the sweet fresh smells of harvest. Round bales of straw were dotted around the nearby fields and strands of hay floated loose on the light summer breeze. Kite picked her way over rocks and stones to the pool in which she’d seen Dawn’s face emerge from the swirling mass of minnows. She hardly dared look as a few tiny fish shone in the evening sun, darting in and out between mossy stones, but this time no face appeared.

  ‘I can’t believe how lucky you’ve been with this weather.’ Ruby sighed with pleasure, leaning back on a large boulder and offering her face up to the warmth of the sun. She was wearing a deep red sleeveless dress with a mustard pashmina around her shoulders and her ebony necklace with the enormous beads that they’d bought together in St Kitts. Her plaited hair was twisted into an elegant pile on the top of her head.

  They parked the car at the beginning of the hamlet, so that Ruby could have a nose around the tiny stone cottages. As they walked the rest of the way to the pub a gaggle of geese wandered up the road stopping to stretch their necks, noses down, hoovering up any traces of food. That, thought Kite, as she listened to the geese and their high-pitched honking, was the sound that Dawn used to make when she first blew out a reed. She was always a bit embarrassed about the ugliness of the noise. Maybe if she’d done the same with her feelings, told someone about everything from her most ridiculous-sounding worries to her bitterest thoughts, she might have been able to carry on with life. Kite shook herself. That was the problem. It seemed that all the things she saw around her; even a gaggle of geese walking down a lane, could lead her back to Dawn.

  ‘Well, this is the venue of my debut Lakeland gig!’ announced Seth, stopping outside the Carrec Arms.

  ‘Duck!’ shouted Seth too late, as Ruby clonked her head on the low beam and stumbled inside.

  Jack was standing behind his chair staring straight at Ruby as Seth walked over to him.

  ‘This is Ruby, and this is Jack.’ Seth ushered Ruby over as he spoke.

  ‘I’ve heard all about you.’ Ruby smiled, rubbing her head.

  Jack reached towards her in concern.

  ‘It’s nothing!’ she said, shaking his hand enthusiastically.

  Jack took hold of Ruby’s hand and ran his fingers over her skin and down to her fingers and smiled. Her decorated nails seemed to amuse him.

  Ellie came over from the bar. She had dressed up for the occasion too, wearing a pretty sky-blue print dress gathered in at the waist. Her hair tumbled in ringlets down her back.

  ‘And Ellie!’ Seth smiled.

  ‘You’re very welcome!’ Ellie touched Ruby on the arm and invited her to sit down. ‘Now what can I get you to drink? I’ve invited a fair few people, but I’m not sure who’ll turn up.’

  ‘I don’t mind if no one else comes,’ Seth declared. ‘As long as I’ve got an audience!’

  He took his guitar out of its case and started playing along to the new arrangement of ‘Bonny Lass’ he’d been working on the night before. Jack’s right hand and foot began tapping along as he hit upon the words and joined in.

  Seth had moved on to one of his own songs and Ruby was chatting away to Jack when Dr Sherpa and his wife arrived. Dr Sherpa inclined his head subtly towards Kite, as if to ask her how she felt now. She wished she was invisible. Before . . . she had always been the one to bowl straight into a situation, to chatter away and take everything at face value, happy to be the centre of attention. Now she supposed that she was getting to see the world more as Dawn had done, sitting quietly on the edges and watching everything unfold in front of her.

  ‘How come you always manage to analyse everything that goes on?’ Kite asked her when they’d been out late to a party one night and Dawn had started on her usual morning-after autopsy.

  ‘I can’t help it!’ Dawn sighed.

  ‘That’s why you can never enjoy the party properly!’ Kite told her.

  Dr Sherpa waved at Seth, who continued strumming away as the doctor strolled over to Ruby and Kite and introduced them to Priti, his wife. She is pretty thought Kite. She was dressed in a silken sea-green salwar-kameez top, jeans and sparkly sandals. Her hair was drawn into a long loose plait. Within a few minutes the two women were deep in conversation. Once Ruby got going about her passion there was no stopping her, especially when Priti told her how much she loved dance, especially contemporary.

  ‘It’s been a while since we’ve had a “do” in here,’ Ellie commented as a stout middle-aged couple walked through the door and greeted them. Kite thought she saw an amused look cross their faces at the eclectic gathering of people.

  Seth was halfway through
singing an old Calypso song he’d learned in St Kitts when Jack pushed back his chair and stood up slowly without the use of his walking stick. He held out his hand to Ruby. She stood up, taking his good arm, and guided him gracefully around the room. Jack raised his head and his right hand proudly in the air as they danced across the tiny square of stone floor. For a moment it was as if he had forgotten about his numb leg. Everyone else clapped along to the music as Ruby manoeuvred Jack safely once more around the room. Kite loved to see her mother dance. Her whole body lit up and she seemed to draw people to her through the sheer force of her energy. Old Jack and Ruby made good dancing partners. They both had such a passion for life. Where did that sense of joy come from? Could you make someone feel it, or was it just inside you or not? Kite wondered if she would ever get that feeling back.

  Jack was laughing breathlessly as Ruby and he bowed to each other formally at the end of the dance. But instead of returning to his seat he walked slowly over to the stairs . . . leaning heavily on his stick now.

  ‘Have you had enough, Grandad? Do you want to rest now?’

  Jack reached up to Ellie’s face and stroked her cheek.

  ‘I’ll take you up.’ Dr Sherpa offered Jack his arm for support. Halfway up the ancient oak steps Jack turned and looked down on the scene below as if he was drinking it in.

  ‘Good night, Grandad!’ Ellie called up to him.

  It seemed to take forever for Ruby and Seth to say their goodbyes so Kite wandered out of the pub ahead of them. She regretted it straight away. A gathering of people about her age were hanging out by the wall outside, a collection of spent cans strewn around their feet.

  ‘Hi!’ said the girl with bright pink hair who’d smiled at Kite at the clock tower on their first day. The boy with the leather jacket had his arm swung over her shoulder as they leaned back against the motorbike seat.

  ‘This is Kite!’ She recognized Garth’s voice straight away as he stood up and stepped forward into the light. He was wearing army trousers and a plain white T-shirt, and the slate necklace she’d seen him in before. He played with it nervously as he drew close enough to her so that the others wouldn’t hear him speaking. She pulled out one of her plaits and twisted it around her fingers.