Walk Into Me

by Jill Prand

  The boat I gave Lisa keys to and the one I am going to now is not part of our fleet. This is the boat I’ve had since high school and it is just for fun. As I pull up to the dock, I look across the river and spot the house. Lisa’s house. I can’t think of it as anything else. Instead of shutting off the engine I put the car back in drive and decide to take a look from the front.

  The house sits on an island which contains fifteen other houses as well, but Lisa’s house has the best view of the river. The current owners at least kept the landscaping pretty much as it was. Lisa’s mother loves to garden and there are flower beds along the walk as well as surrounding the lamp post. Looks like I won’t need to do any updating outside. I see a car in the driveway and decide to see if they will let me in without an appointment. Maybe I can talk them into a private sale and they can forgo the realtor fees.

  As I’m walking up to the door, the memories are hitting me left and right. I once had a key and was welcomed to use it whenever I wanted. I haven’t actually rung the bell to this house since I was about thirteen. Doing it now just emphasizes to me just how many things have changed over the years. A blonde woman answers the door. She is about forty, blonde and not bad looking. She is hesitant looking at me and I give her my best “I can be trusted” smile. “Hi, I was wondering if I could take a look at the inside of the house. I know I should probably make an appointment with the realtor, but my boat is docked right across the river and I used to know the people who lived here before. I just wanted to see what changes you made before I put a bid in.” I know I’m rambling, but I really want to get in there now. I want to be back in the place that has always felt like home, more than even my parent’s house.

  The woman looks me up and down and I know she is thinking there is no way I will be able to afford this house. The asking price is almost three quarters of a million and here I am dressed in old jeans and a Giants jersey. She glances to the street and sees my truck, yeah it doesn’t look like much either. I hold out my hand hoping to put her at ease. “I’m Brad by the way, and while I may not look like it, but I own RB Fishing and Excursions.” Our company got some good press this summer after we hosted a charity event on all six boats so I am hoping she is current on the local community goings on.

  I see her physically relax as she takes my hand. “Hi Brad, I’m Helen and, yes, you can come in and look around.” She steps back to allow me to enter. The foyer looks barren without the chandelier that always greeted you down the semi-circular stairs. There is no color other than a vase of flowers on the side table and the place looks more like a showcase than a home. She leads me into the living room and then stands back to let me admire the room, but all I can see is how the warmth is no longer here. This is no longer the home it once was, but I’m going to fix it and give it back to Lisa. She will have a place to come home to where she can relax and be herself, where she won’t have to hide how she feels and I swear she will feel safe.

  I don’t really need to look at the rest of the house, the changes they made will just depress me so I turn to Helen. “So does your contract have stipulations for a private sale?”

  She looks at me like I’ve lost my head, I’m sure she has no idea what I’m talking about. “I don’t know. I would have to ask my husband, well, soon to be ex-husband.” She gives me a shy smile and bats her eyes. Is she really trying to flirt with me? I am so not into cougars, lady!

  I pull out my wallet and grab a business card. “Can you ask your husband to give me a call? If possible I would like to see if we can do this privately. I can save you the six percent and we can hopefully do this quick.”

  Licking her lips as she touches my fingers holding out the card. “I like quickies, but I also like slow and deep.” Eeew! Not going there! I pull my hand back. “It was nice meeting you, Helen. I have to go get ready to take my girlfriend to dinner.” I lie, hoping this will stop her from going any further with this.

  “She’s a lucky woman, Brad,” she says as she takes my arm while walking me to the door. “I look forward to negotiating with you for the house.”

  Seriously, is she really that dense or just hard up from not having her husband around? I can’t even glance at her as I make my way out the door. “Bye,” I say without turning back and practically run to my truck. As I get in, I see her still standing in the doorway waving at me. Holy hell, did I just give her all my personal contact info? Yes, yes I did. I hope I don’t live to regret that decision. Maybe I should have gone through the realtor.

  I really need a drink after that encounter so I decide to go to the Wharf and see if they have the afternoon game on. I’m not a Jets fan, but I could really use the distraction of a game right now. If I go home, I will just sit on my couch and wait for Lisa to call me.

  I decide to take the boat instead of my truck. I can waste a good twenty-five minutes going down the river which will give me time to think through my plans for the house and Lisa. It’s funny how Lisa and I are the same in that respect, the water grounds us. I park my truck by my boat and pull a parka out of the back. The temperature on the water in December is chilly at best and frigid more often than not. Climbing onto the boat I check how much gas I have. I will have to stop and fill up on my way back. I untie the lines and start the engine, feeling the air hit my face as I ride past the house I have decided to buy.

  I will have to call my accountant tomorrow and make sure that I have enough usable capital available. Now that I’ve decided to do this I want to get the ball rolling right away. I hope Helen can pack quickly because as soon as I talk to her husband, I am going to push to have this deal done. I want to be able to walk Lisa in the door in three weeks. The house will be her Christmas present. Well, not technically since my name will be on the deed, but who knows...maybe someday down the line her name will be on it as well.

  I know I’m getting ahead of myself here. She is only talking to Bobby now and who knows what will happen when he finds out she wants to see us both. Sharing her. For me, sharing Lisa is better than nothing, but I have a feeling that Bobby is going to put up a fight. Is it so bad for me to hope that by him fighting on this that it pushes her closer to me?

  My mind is racing with thoughts of her in my arms. How perfect she felt there just a little while ago. I know she wanted me then but will she still want me if Bobby threatens to leave? Is she strong enough to fight for the feelings we have or will she just cave into his needs? I want her to call me so I know what happened. I am going to drive myself crazy until my phone rings and I hear that sweet voice telling me that we can be together.

  I’m not really paying attention to where I’m going and am startled when I hear the horn sounding. I look up and I am getting too close to the bulkhead on my left. There is another boat coming up river and the driver is waving at me. I cut the wheel to the right to give him the right of way and sigh. As he passes me I hear a string of curses aimed at me. I yell that I’m sorry. I am actually very glad that he interrupted my thoughts, a few feet over to the left and I would have collided with someone’s docked boat. Fixing that damage would definitely put a dent in my usable finances.

  Finally, I see the river start spreading out into the bay and I can speed up a little. The Wharf is only a quarter mile from the river entrance so I am there in seconds and I moor up to their bulkhead reserved for guests. Time to get a drink and wait for my phone to ring.

  Lisa

  Bobby is leaving now. He doesn’t know anything about me and Brad and I am not telling him right before he leaves on a mission where his life is in danger. He needs to be concentrating on that, not about what will happen with us when he gets back. He just needs to come back.

  He walks out of the bathroom in just a towel, his hair dripping water that slices its way down over his pecs and abs. I want to lick those drops back up his body. I am going to miss being in his arms while he’s gone. Getting up from the bed I draw his head down to me for a kiss letting all the love I feel for him pour into our mouths. There is a finality in th
e kiss, like I’m saying goodbye for the last time. I actually feel a piece of my heart move from me into him where it will stay until he is back in my arms.

  “I’ll be back in no time,” he says pulling away to dress. “Not soon enough.” I am suddenly afraid to let him leave. I know he is good at his job and he has his team to watch his back, but with everything that has happened today I don’t trust that we'll be together again once he learns about my feelings for Brad.

  Pulling on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, I am suddenly scooped up in his arms, “Why the doom and gloom?” He sits on my bed with me in his lap, “It’s not like I haven’t gone away before.”

  Pushing his hair out of his eyes I look at him. “I don’t know, just feeling like it’s going to be longer than a couple of weeks.” “I promise I will be back, baby. You are my home, my life and I won’t ever stop fighting to get back to you,” he murmurs as he hugs me close. His lips are in my hair, “I’m going to miss you, but just knowing you are waiting for me will keep me sane.”

  Tears pool in my eyes. “I love you, Bobby. Please remember that.” “I love you, too, baby. With everything I am, always.” He kisses me gently, reverently. Standing with our lips still attached he draws us together until I can feel his whole body against mine. His hands in my hair tilting me to get a better angle to deepen the kiss, drawing a mewling sound out of me. He breaks the kiss looking into my eyes. “I have to leave, Lisa. I will call you before the plane takes off, okay?” I nod, I can’t seem to form words right now. He grabs his jacket off the chair in front of my vanity and I slip my feet into my slippers. Grabbing my hand he leads me out into the living room where Jodi and John are still watching football. “Hey guys, take care of my girl.” He draws me close to him. “I’ve gotta go out of town for a few days.”

  Jodi sends me a questioning look and I shake my head slightly to let her know that I haven’t told him. Bobby walks us to the front door. “I love you and I will talk to you a little later, okay?”

  I look up at him. “I love you, too, please come back to me.” I fist my hands into his shirt. Bobby’s lips lift into that cute smirk that causes my panties to get wet. “No one can keep me away from you, baby. I will see you soon.” A quick peck and he walks out the door to the car Arthur his driver has waiting for him. I stand in the doorway until they pull out of the driveway, my heart breaking just a little bit more. Is this how our relationship will end, when I tell him that he is not the only one in my heart? I feel the tears releasing from my eyes as I sob.

  Jodi comes up behind me and hugs me, “He’ll be back. Do you need to talk? This isn’t only about him leaving is it?” I shake my head and wipe the tears from my cheeks. “No, although I have a bad feeling about this trip. There is more.” I turn to her and admit, “I couldn’t tell him about Brad. Not while he will be off somewhere and he’ll need to concentrate on what he’s doing. I didn’t want to put him in jeopardy by thinking about me.”

  Jodi turns and propels me towards the sofa, sitting me between John and her before asking, “What is going on with you and Brad?” I pull my knees into my chest and wrap my arms around them, “That’s the question of the day. I don’t know. I suddenly feel more for him. My body reacts to him now when he holds me. That never happened before. And how can it happen when I love Bobby?” I rock slightly back and forth.

  “What did you tell Brad? Because he fluctuated between being lit up like a kid on Christmas or one that lost his puppy and back again when he left here before,” John tells me.

  “I told him we could try and see where these new feelings lead. But I also told him I would need to be truthful with Bobby and I couldn’t do that today. So I guess Brad and I will be in a holding pattern until Bobby comes back. I can’t move forward with Brad without talking to Bobby first. That’s just not fair to Bobby.” I am so confused, while I’m with Bobby he is what I need, but then with Brad earlier I felt that way as well. What the fuck is wrong with me, I finally get what I’ve wanted for most of my life and I am throwing it away because I suddenly have feelings for my best friend? “I am royally fucking up my life, aren’t I?”

  John puts his hand on my shoulder. “I don’t think you are fucking up. I think you’ve built this thing with Bobby up in your mind for so long that you never allowed yourself to open up to anyone else. Now that you are in it you are finally allowing yourself to see what else is out there. That’s not wrong, maybe a little bit of bad timing, but most people don’t live in a bubble. They experience what life throws at them, you never did. Even the relationships you had you held yourself back from them. That is why they didn’t work.”

  I lean my head against John’s shoulder. “So what you’re telling me is I’ve been a superficial bitch for the last six years?”

  He laughs, “Well, I wouldn’t call you a bitch.”

  “No, just superficial.” Jodi leans against my other side. “Look, Lisa, you had this instant attraction to Bobby. You guys never ran your course because he left. Then you shut down for a while. When you started dating Steve I thought you were working your way out, but it was more a convenience for you. You needed someone to be with, to help keep your mind off Bobby and he fit the bill, but you never let yourself feel anything for him. He was totally in love with you and you had no clue. You couldn’t see it.”

  I look at her incredulously. “He didn’t love me. We always had a good time, but he never once told me he loved me.”

  “And if he had told you he loved you, what would have been your answer?” She shakes her head before she says, “No, don’t answer that. Steve knew you didn’t love him and he protected himself the best he could. He never told you how he felt so you couldn’t reject him.”

  Was she right? I have to think back to that time. I always thought we were just fooling around, he was safe. I knew I could never love him and I figured he felt the same way. I never let myself think that he felt anything more for me. That’s how my relationships worked. I was never in it for the long haul, they were a way to pass the time and have some fun.

  “I never knew.” What does that say about me? “That does make me a bitch.” “No, it doesn’t.” Jodi says, “You were living your life and protecting yourself the best way you knew how. We all knew what you were doing, even Steve. Remember he was part of our crowd. He saw what Bobby leaving did to you and in the beginning he was hopeful that the two of you could heal the hurt together. Eventually he realized that you weren’t ready to let yourself feel anything more than companionship with him and that’s when things started to break.”

  John turns to me. “He held out hope for a long time but finally he needed more. He and I talked a lot while you were together and he never felt that it was your fault. He always blamed Bobby for leaving the way he did.”

  I nod my head, taking in all they’ve said. I was more broken than I thought by Bobby. I never realized that I wasn’t open to the guys I dated. That’s not exactly true. I never felt the connection with them. I never told them about Bobby and what happened; the only ones I would talk to about him were sitting on this sofa with me, and Brad. But after that New Year’s Eve I shut Brad out, too. Why? “Can I ask you something we’ve never talked about?” Jodi asks.

  “Sure,” I turn towards her.

  “When you and Brad were together after that party, were you thinking about Bobby the whole time you were together?” Her question surprises me, I’ve never really thought about that night. It was something that happened and I always felt bad because I thought I used Brad. I think back to that night in his room. When he first kissed me I was picturing Bobby. Then at one point he stopped and looked into my eyes, told me I was beautiful and then it wasn’t Bobby I was seeing anymore it was Brad. I was reacting to him, he made my body feel cherished. It wasn’t the all-consuming need I felt with Bobby, it was slower more potent. By the time he entered me I wanted him, Brad. That’s why I ran from him after that. I can see it now. I wasn’t ready to open up, to feel. How could I forget that night?

&
nbsp; “No, it wasn’t all about Bobby,” I answer Jodi’s question. “At some point it was all about Brad and me. I loved him that night and I think that’s why I ran from him, why I couldn’t even talk to him after that. I was scared because if I was too close to him, I would have lost myself in him.” Jodi nods like this is what she thought all along.

  I stand up. “How is it I am just realizing this now? What is wrong with me?” Jodi stands and steps towards me with her hands out like I’m a frightened animal. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You were protecting yourself. That night you went from being rejected yet again by the guy you loved to having sex with the guy who’s always been there for you. Who wouldn’t be confused about their emotions after that? Give yourself a break and just work through it now.” She draws me in. “You should talk to Brad. Let him help you get through this and see where your heart is.”

  I need to think about this. I need to analyze that night because if I suppressed what I actually felt for Brad, I’ve wasted a lot of time. What am I going to tell him? That I’m sorry for not letting myself feel anything more than friendship for all these years? And what about Bobby? I do love him, but is it enough?